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On this point she now says I never loved the AP it was just the "feelings" that he gave me.

Cheating wives say this a lot, as if they think somehow it will ameliorate their husband's pain. In reality it makes it worse. "So you broke our vows, lied to me and sneaked around behind my back to fuck somebody just because he made you feel good?" It would actually be easier to accept, in a strange sort of way, if she thought she was truly, deeply in love with the other man.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 10:32 AM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

BlueRas, we basically have not talked since Thursday night except for things to do with our kids our the house. I have not even brought up the wedding ring issue on Friday/Saturday night but I will when she comes back with her talking points from her counselor. She probably doesn't even think I was watching.

My house will be done being painted by the end of this week. I have a shower to tile in the basement and then everything looks good to put on the market. The biggest bite in the ass is all the upgrades I have made to this house and the basement I am about to finish I will never get to enjoy! Oh well I am just going to buy a smaller house in the interim and if material prices go back down I will build my own house the way "I" want it!

CM70,

Wow. She is really delusional. I would be interested to hear what her counselor thinks of her going out to party without her wedding ring on - I suspect your wife wouldn't volunteer that information.

Sounds like you're getting your ducks in a row - when do you plan to have her served?

CM70, She isn't entitled to the house if you divorce, if you sell it before you divorce is she entitled to any of the proceeds?

I have not even brought up the wedding ring issue on Friday/Saturday night but I will when she comes back with her talking points from her counselor. She probably doesn't even think I was watching.

Let alone the fact that she's staying out well after midnight with this group of infidelity enablers. A faithful wife who is committed to monogamy doesn't regularly do GNO until 2:30 in the morning.

Hell, even frequent GNO's where a wife stays out routinely and comes home before midnight is still a recipe for disaster.

It is abnormal and dysfunctional behavior. Retrouvaille calls this behavior "living the married singles lifestyle" (one of the useful things I took away from Retrouvaille).

In other words, your WW already betrayed you and now she's living as if you're already divorced.

Get it?

So it's not just the wedding ring. The wedding ring off in her case is emblematic of a wayward mindset.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:53 AM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

She works for the school system so her last day of school was Friday. She was out with her teacher friends to 1 AM without her wedding ring on. She goes to a bridal shower Saturday wearing her wedding ring, goes with the same group out later from 6:30PM to 2:30AM without a wedding ring. I believe she has not had any contact with the AP & that is done but she acts like she is 25 not 45. I am meeting my lawyer late this week to discuss moving forward with D.

She’s not acting 25 as much as she’s wayward. Which you’ve already been through. Read the signs. With this behavior she’ll find another shiny thing to give her feelings. Doesn’t seem like talk is gonna fix this.

Sorry, I know you’d hoped for another outcome but…..

RE: Wedding ring, it is a simple way to cut to the chase and say that you observed that when she's out with friends until 2am she is not wearing it but at a "proper" event like the shower she has it on as a false flag saying she is married.

So to me that indicates that she considers herself single it is time to make that official. Proceed to D.

PS- I spent 2 years doing everything to fix our house from new AC, new sodded lawn, kitchen and bath redos, new floors and nice new windows, new roof.It was great!

We were in the 'new' place about 2 months until she moved to her friends place, and I was in it for about 6 months until we sold it. (big mistake on my part) That's life.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 11:43 AM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

She is acting as if she is single by going out with her girlfriends without her wedding ring and not coming home until early in the morning. I don't know how you are keeping it together. I suspect you don't feel much for her anymore. I don't blame you. Do whatever you need to keep your head on straight. Strike quickly and serve her. Tell her that going out with her girlfriends without her wedding ring and coming home early in the morning has cinched your decision. You have put up with too much of her bull crap. Good luck to you. When you are ready, go find a worthy partner.

[This message edited by src9043 at 11:47 AM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

I end all of this by saying "I am not happy & cannot live like this anymore. I don’t know what to do, except to move on." She says "Divorce", I say yeah and she is in shock.

CM70,

I don't know if you are the kind of guy to keep things in to keep the peace. Or to generally not express your negative feelings. I have those problems to some degree though. And I will tell you this, when I asked for a divorce in writing, my fWW was not really shocked. I wouldn't say she saw it coming, but she said she should have seen it coming and knew that things weren't right.

I told her what I needed to make things right. I told her if she can't do those things, it's divorce. So far, she has been doing those things AND doing things that I don't need but just wanted.

The response of shock indicates to me that either you have REALLY been suppressing your negative feelings that you've had with your WW, or she is so self absorbed, that even when confronted with a bulleted list, she retreats into defensiveness. I mean, the disconnect she must have from reality in this case...

I don't know what your bulleted list looks like, but I have to imagine one of them was something like, "the constant and persistent defensiveness had to stop."

Words vs actions.

The idiotic thing is that on Thursday night I told her I had noticed she had not wore her ring all week to work. (something she always did the 19 years earlier) She says she had been washing her hands more lately and applying lotion so that is why she had not been wearing her ring! I said yeah right you always wore it before. She then says if it bothers you I will make sure to wear it, then she goes out Friday & Saturday night and it is sitting in the dish she always keep it in the kitchen. If you are going to lie at least just take it off in your car!

MG, well the house is in both our names I just assumed she would get half of the proceeds whether she deserves it or not. I like the house but I would rather move into something smaller easier to maintain if it's just going to be me & the kids plus a much smaller mortgage.

Everyone else agree on all points, I made a plan of action & boundaries like 5 -1/2 months ago for awhile she tried and did OK but she slowly went back to the same destructive behaviors. I really don't think I can marry again. I could have a girl friend that has her own place, something like that but it's just not worth marrying anymore. I was raised by old school depression era parents (I am the youngest of my five siblings) and they went through everything together and my Mom would have never strayed on my Dad. When I visit her at her Assisted Living apartment, that's all she talks about is how much she misses him. It's to bad people just don't take it as serious as they used to.

[This message edited by CM70 at 12:05 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

She works for the school system so her last day of school was Friday. She was out with her teacher friends to 1 AM without her wedding ring on. She goes to a bridal shower Saturday wearing her wedding ring, goes with the same group out later from 6:30PM to 2:30AM without a wedding ring. I believe she has not had any contact with the AP & that is done but she acts like she is 25 not 45. I am meeting my lawyer late this week to discuss moving forward with D.

These GNOs and midlife crises are like a plague these days.

The idiotic thing is that on Thursday night I told her I had noticed she had not wore her ring all week to work.

She wants her co-workers to believe she is single. Whether that is due to another potential AP in a co-worker or just to support her narrative is the question. Not that it matters why. Just another sign that she isn't all in on R.

[This message edited by grubs at 6:52 PM, Tuesday, May 25th]

CM70,

Your wife is pretty ridiculous.

The idiotic thing is that on Thursday night I told her I had noticed she had not wore her ring all week to work. (something she always did the 19 years earlier) She says she had been washing her hands more lately and applying lotion so that is why she had not been wearing her ring!

So she doesn't wear the ring for a GNO that is likely to have other men around. The whole "lotion issue" magically disappears for the baby shower where there will likely be no men (certainly not single men) and she needs to look respectable. Then she doesn't wear the ring again for another night out with the girls that is likely to have other men around. Does she actually believe this bullshit or does she just think you're stupid? I guess it doesn't matter. Taking off your wedding ring for a night out is like placing a "for sale" sign around your neck. Not the act of a woman in a committed relationship...

[This message edited by BlueRaspberry at 1:04 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

I don't want to take this thread off track but I'd like to share a little fun I had just before I had my ex served.

I had all the proof I needed prior to this episode so I was just amusing myself.

I showed up at one of her GNO's and watched for awhile out of sight across the room. She and her two divorced pals were sitting with three guys and having a great time. I just walked by and nodded and kept walking out the front door.

She came running after me crying and yelling words I couldn't understand. Her two pals soon joined her also yelling at me to stop, etc.

I just got in my car and drove away, laughing.

CM70 I re-read most of your posts. You never got an answer about PA other than making out and fingering. She "tried" but cannot get back the "feelings" she had for you. Mid life crisis. Depression? At the end of the day only you can decide but D does at least ends this marriage and with it the struggle. Will she change in the future? Maybe, hopefully. For her sake she really needs to find her way back to her love for you for her own good. The kids need to know anyway.

Yeah the stupid thing is I am friends with about half her school on Facebook. Why take off your ring when they all know you are married and they know your husband? The bachelorette party makes more sense, you are going out with a large group of twenty somethings and her & the cougar Mom's are tagging along cleaning up the scraps.

I have come to the conclusion that she is mentally checked out and she just can't fix herself. The bad part is I have a group of guys I occasionally have a beer or two with on Fridays, and three (3) of them are all going through the same thing with their cheating wives all in the mid forty something range.

[This message edited by CM70 at 1:30 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

Yeah the stupid thing is I am friends with about half her school on Facebook. Why take off your ring when they all know you are married and they know your husband?

She’s taking it off for other men. Showing she’s available.

Why take off your ring when they all know you are married and they know your husband?

They know she's married, but being ring free is a statement that she's not mentally. She's on the prowl. Whether its with co-workers, someone she sees at work (parents), or those she's around with co-workers she doesn't want to signal she's married. That's all you need to know to move forward.

CM70,

Just curious - when did she start hanging out with her toxic friends and going to these GNOs? In the past you had mentioned she had stopped engaging with the divorced BFFs and was staying home instead of going out. I am wondering if this started up after she stopped seeing the 2nd IC specializing in infidelity - the IC that had actually held her accountable for destructive actions/thinking. Once she started seeing the other IC maybe she felt free to return to her wayward behaviors...