Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Wife of 20 yrs caught cheating

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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 5:39 AM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

Well I never thought I would be on a forum like this and didn't even know they existed until a couple weeks ago. I turned 50 this year and also celebrated my 20 yr anniversary with what I thought was the love of my life.

We both have good jobs and the nice house and everything we would ever need it had been a great ride up until a few weeks ago. (One caveat to the above my company, had hired a new CEO and I was passed up for a VP job earlier in the year for somoene I run circles around. So I had not been happy with my job & have been interviewing to move on causing a little stress and distance with me)

So I get COVID the beginning of November, and then my entire family slowly gets it so we are all quarantined the majority of November. I notice my wife is very short with me and we get into a little tiffs, and said we need to talk when you feel better! So I think whatever, that happens once and a while. So I get better and am sitting in the basement on a Sunday, and she comes down after waking up red & teary eyed. So I am thinking Oh great here we go. She proceeds to tell me that she is worried we are drifting apart and she is concerned. Not what I was expecting hear, I tell her I am here for her and will do whatever it takes to get us back on track. So we talk about spending more time together, more open communication possibly even getting outside help.

My wife started doing weird things (end of November early December) that I started to take notice of. First incident, she had a dead battery on her car in a park near are house in a back parking lot. She calls me, "my batteries dead" I say where are you? The Park she sais, so I go over there jump start the car, and I ask here what are you doing over here? She said I like to come her and listen to my music and look at the scenery, I think OK whatever? A few days later I am installing a new WIFI network in the house, and I tell here I need here phone so I can make sure it is working with the new WIFI. She reluctantly hands it to me and I head to the basement, not two minutes later she comes down, can I have my phone I really need it! I jokingly say what are you afraid your boyfriend is going to call, haha so I thought. She rolls her eyes and goes upstairs. Then I notice she is no longer using the community charger in our mud room, which she always did in the past now it's in a charger up by her bed.

With all these clues adding up, I go to the phone records (which I have never done) I start to see a phone number come up at the same time she get's off work and late night calls and they are 30 -60 minute. I am worried, so I run the number on google just to see if could get a hit. I do, it is a number to a local handyman and I recognize the name. My heart drops into my stomach. He is a friend of one of my wife's close friends from work.

I am devastated, & the same day I find this out my Sister calls and tells me her lung cancer is getting worse. I am now a basket case, my wife comes home around dinner and I am visibly upset while making dinner for the kids. She asks me what's wrong. I tell her about my sister's call and then say do you need to tell me something? She looks at me puzzled, I say you need to come clean with me. Still nothing out of her. I tell her that she had been acting funny as of late and protecting her phone. She starts to squirm a bit, I tell her I have been doing some homework and looking at our phone records. I tell her I see one number coming up a lot and it's a guy. She turns expressionless and shades of green, then goes into the bathroom for twenty minutes. I feed the kids and she sneaks up the stairs to our bedroom. She says we have just been talking and he get's me. I am pissed but try to stay calm & rational which is hard one some one pulls out your heart & shows it to you. We talk she says it will stop immediately and she wants to seek help for herself and get a marriage counselor. I agree as it had been a long day, but I sleep maybe an hour that night. I think about my 2 kids who are 13 & 15 and how this could destroy them & it kills me inside. I will continue my story tommorow...

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8620846
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Ariopolis ( Member #75786) posted at 6:32 AM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I wish there were a pill to take for the pain, but at least this site can offer support and techniques to help you get through the next few months.

May I direct you to the Healing Library up in the Left Hand Corner? Hopefully you will find something that speaks directly to you and your situation.

What your wife, the wayward spouse (WS), probably did when you brought up the phone calls was run to the bathroom to delete anything incriminating and let her affair partner (AP) know you know.

You are not going to get any truth out of her. Only lies. Cheaters lie. If you really want to find out what's going on you'll have to slow down, make a few plans like get GPS in her vehicle, buy a few VARs (voice activated recorders--Best Buy has a Sony one I believe), and hide them where she would most likely chat on the phone.

The best possible thing for you would be to cool down, lay low, agree to everything she says, just nod when she says we're just friends, we just text a little, and hire a PI.

I've read some stories here where BSs (betrayed spouses) have had remarkable success with a PI.

Most will tell you not to confront unless you have overwhelming proof, because they don't come clean until you shove the proof under their noses.

But you have to do whatever you need for your own health. You'll get some great advice here. Use what you need and disregard the rest.

Best of luck to you.

posts: 140   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2020
id 8620851
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 7:51 AM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

I suggest that marriage counseling is not the solution right now. Your cheating wife needs her own counselor to figure out her issues snd why she cheated.

You, as the betrayed spouse, need your own counselor to get emotional support for you. Your cheating wife will most likely blame you for the affair. Most cheaters blame the betrayed spouse. You will hear things like “you weren’t there for me” and “you worked too much” and “you don’t love me” to “you use the wrong toothpaste”.

Ask her why she cheated. She most likely will say it’s because you did (or did not do) certain things. Her responses will to point the finger at you.

Here’s the laugh. My H worked at a job where he had to travel extensively. All over the world. One year he commuted to the opposite coast for 52 weeks. I never complained. I did everything. House & kids & repairs etc. yet he had the audacity to tell me he cheated b/c we were disconnected. 😂

As soon as I told him to stop telling me how I felt and his “theory” wasn’t true b/c I never was disconnected — he was — he no longer had an “excuse” to blame me. He had to accept responsibility for his choice or decision to cheat.

Not once in 20+ years did he voice his unhappiness or dissatisfaction. Much like your wife too. The decision to cheat is made and the betrayed spouse is in the dark.

The emotional roller coaster you are facing is difficult. Having someone to support you is critical. The frustration you will face trying to get your wife to be honest is daunting. The emotional impact will have you loving her then hating her then wanting to slap her (not that you would) all in the same minute.

Please post often here. I guarantee you will get great support from people who have experienced the same betrayal and lies and emotional trauma you are facing.

We speak from experience. Often people will come back here months later and admit someone warned them of their spouse’s continued lying and cheating. It’s a support group that learned things the hard way unfortunately and cheaters tend to behave somewhat predictably.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10531   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8620857
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squid ( Member #57624) posted at 10:09 AM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Repeat that to yourself whenever you start to feel like the world is caving in on you.

Your WW has a serious character flaw. She needs to fix that. And she has to WANT to fix it. This is not your job.

Read up on the 180 in our Healing Library and implement it. Lawyer up. Keep all your evidence in a safe place and NEVER reveal your sources to her. Also, don't tell her about this site.

There are a few non-negotiables but her actions this early will tell if she's even a good candidate for R, if that's what you want.

Keep posting.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8620868
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sleepylove ( Member #68848) posted at 1:00 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

CM70, You should immediately purchase a tracking device and a voice activated recorder (VAR) and place them in her car. You are just seeing the tip of the iceberg on this situation.

Prepare for lies, denials, half truths and omissions.

I know how painful it is to hear this but you cannot trust a word she is saying to you. The chances of her ending this relationship cold turkey are minuscule.

My wife and I were married 21 years when she started her affair and exhibited the same actions that your wife is showing now. Take immediate action to learn everything you can now by covert actions (VAR and tracking) as well as being upfront (ask for phone, email access). Get as much info as you can now. The longer you wait the harder it is to recover that info later. Ask me how I know.

Be prepared for a long, bumpy and painful ride no matter what you choose to do with your marriage. Sending strength.

BH 49WW 49Married almost 22 years at time of AShe had an affair Dec 2017-Feb 2018Found them together 2/2/18 Final Dday 2/23/18 Still don't know the whole truthTrying to R

posts: 173   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2018
id 8620882
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 1:19 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

I'm sorry you're here. Experience shows that there was nothing you could have done to prevent her from having an affair.

Every marriage has issues, there's always someone that 'gets' us, but there are lines and boundaries that married folks never cross.

Your wife had other options besides 'connecting' with OM. For example, talking to a woman friend or counseling.

This was not a mistake. She made a series of decisions every day to cheat and to lie to your face.

While marriage issues are 50/50 ....her decision to cheat is 100% on her.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8620888
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 1:28 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

Here's how experience shows this will likely play out.

1 - you'll think your wife is different than other cheaters. Nope...they all share similar behavior and words.

2 - your wife is in damage control mode. Cheating is 100% selfish and she is thinking 100% about herself now too. For example, she's concerned bout her reputation in the family and community, keeping a nice comfortable home & marriage.

Any tears or drama are 100% about herself being caught (not for you).

It's not likely she wants to divorce so she'll lie and promise you anything. Unless you have a video, she'll say they only kissed or just talked.

She'll promise it's over - and we should move on.

3 - cheaters convince themself they're a good person therefore the spouse or circumstances beyond their control made them cheat.

4 - To get all the facts, insist she write a detailed timeline for each contact with the OM. Including what they talked about and what she was thinking before, after, and after returning home to you.

She's now a liar and nothing she says can be trusted. She has no right to ask you to trust anything she says.

Inform her the timeline will be subject to a polygraph. It doesn't matter if you believe they're accurate as long as she believes you do.

Just the thought of facing a polygraph can encourage a cheater to stop lying and withholding information.

Inform her that the full truth may make it more difficult to R - but any further lies or withholding information will 100% for sure result in divorce.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 7:35 AM, December 31st (Thursday)]

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8620891
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DanielJK ( Member #75654) posted at 1:37 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

I’m sorry you are here. Welcome to this shitty club, awesome people here but a shitty club nonetheless (no offense to anyone here, you know what I mean).

Take care of yourself. Talk to your doctor about a sleep aid. Seriously, contact her/him today so you can get the prescription filled before the holiday weekend.

Cheaters lie, so what you are hearing is likely the tip of the iceberg. And the trip to the bathroom with the phone, yeah there was a lot of deleting going on, A LOT.

I would strongly urge against a marriage counselor at the moment. Your house is on fire. The house may have needed a new kitchen and maybe the roof leaked, but your wife just set the fucking house on fire. The first thing the marriage counselor is going to do is start talking about updating the kitchen and fixing that leak in the roof…but the house is on fire. You need to make sure everyone is safe (especially you), and the fire is out first. Then you’ve got some work to do to repair the fire damage. Then maybe you can start work on that new kitchen, but that is a long way away.

Don’t make any major decisions at the moment. However, it does not hurt to consult with an attorney. Consulting with an attorney is not filing for divorce, it’s just a consultation.

Consider the GPS tracker suggestion here. For about $200 I believe you can get one with a 6 month plan (I believe you need cellular service on it), and a magnetic box to stick it to the car. Check Amazon, they work well. You can often rent them from a PI.

Check the 180 in the healing library. DO NOT do the “pick me” dance (Google it). She has a lot of work to do.

Finally, if you are like most of us here you have been dealt a serious blow. It is betrayal trauma, and it hurts, so take care of yourself. Drink plenty of water, eat, and sleep. Exercise as much as you can. Take a walk today to get some fresh air and exercise.

In discussions with your WS (wayward spouse), watch for “gaslighting” and “DARVO” (look them up). This is not your fault, so do not allow blame shifting. Keep any conversations focused because you will find yourself in a rabbit hole before you know it. Cheaters lie, and then lie some more and they are masters at obfuscation. Don’t let any conversations get twisted against you or away from the matter at hand which is getting you out of infidelity and getting out now.

I’m with you buddy, I was married 18 years, together 24, and my kids are 14 and 16. It hurts.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8620894
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fooled13years ( Member #49028) posted at 1:53 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

CM70

So I get better and am sitting in the basement on a Sunday, and she comes down after waking up red & teary eyed. So I am thinking Oh great here we go. She proceeds to tell me that she is worried we are drifting apart and she is concerned. Not what I was expecting hear, I tell her I am here for her and will do whatever it takes to get us back on track. So we talk about spending more time together, more open communication possibly even getting outside help

I am so sorry. I wish I could remember the total number of new member who shared the exact, or very similar, story as yours but it must be over 100 now.

she comes down after waking up red & teary eyed.

She proceeds to tell me that she is worried we are drifting apart and she is concerned

As the truth is confessed or discovered I am afraid you will find that this happened because she had already had sex with him.

The next she will swear or her mother's, father's or children's head that she did not have sex with the man.

Based on what you told us I really wish I could tell you that 2020 was the worse you were going to experience but I can't.

I removed myself from infidelity and am happy again.

posts: 1042   ·   registered: Aug. 18th, 2015
id 8620896
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 2:28 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

She turns expressionless and shades of green, then goes into the bathroom for twenty minutes. I feed the kids and she sneaks up the stairs to our bedroom. She says we have just been talking and he get's me.

She deleated all evidence off of her phone and spoke with OM so they could "get their stories straight"... The chance that this was not a physical affair is very slim. She wouldn't have disappeared like that if it had been ... just talk.

If she is serious about "fixing" the marriage she will hand over her phone so you can run a message recovery program on it. Demand what you need and don't walk on eggshells because you are afraid of disrupting your kids lives. She did this. She is either going to work hard to fix it (full transparincy) or keep lying and hiding stuff.

Watch her actions... don't just listen to her words. What is she doing to earn back your trust?

It's too early for marriage counseling. If you go now it will focus on problems in the marriage "that made her cheat"... Nothing made her cheat. You can own 50% of the problems in the marriage but the affair, lying is 100% on her. That needs to be fixed/healed before you can start discussions on problems in the marriage.

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8620901
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NotInMyLife ( Member #67728) posted at 2:29 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

So I had not been happy with my job & have been interviewing to move on causing a little stress and distance with me

So you've been under some job related stress, then contract COVID, and your wife's reaction is to seek "support" from her friend's husband?

We talk she says it will stop immediately and she wants to seek help for herself and get a marriage counselor.

Let her get help for herself and stay away from marriage counseling. Do not delude yourself about your wife's ability to do anything but be selfish right now. You probably want to get a counselor of your own.

While she is spinning damage control do more for yourself. In addition to getting a couple VARs (one for her car and one for wherever she hangs out at home), ask for her phone. She's already tried to wipe evidence so don't even try to look at it. Just tell her you will be keeping it for a few days to see if she can actually stop herself from talking to her guy. Then take the phone to a phone recovery specialist whom you have already identified. An expert can retrieve anything within a couple of hours.

Contact the OBS right now. Tell her exactly what you found and ask her what's been going on at her house. Her affair partner probably began to spin his own lies after your wife warned him.

Also contact a lawyer immediately. January is a very busy time for divorce lawyers and you may have to wait a couple of weeks for a consult. Talking to a lawyer is not an act of giving up, it is the first step toward understanding what your options are.

posts: 133   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2018
id 8620902
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Limboaz ( Member #59200) posted at 2:30 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

We talk she says it will stop immediately

This virtually never happens so be prepared to find out communication with POSOM went underground and continued. Affairs have a highly addictive quality to them, which is probably why she said "he gets me". Getting some VARs has been mentioned, and putting one in her car, or where she spends alone time in the house will likely get you a lot more details about what happened and what is still ongoing.

After you get some concrete proof, then if POSOM has a wife or girlfriend, expose him immediately without telling your wife. If she's still in contact, you will find out if she mentions it. You may wish to expose the affair to a few select people, like her parents or a sibling. This can help pop the fantasy bubble that affairs reside in.

Sorry you are going through this. First and foremost take care of yourself. If your insomnia continues, you should go see your doctor about it. It's hard to make good decisions when you are sleep deprived.

Try to get some nutrition, even if it means something easy to get down like protein shakes.

[This message edited by Limboaz at 8:39 AM, December 31st (Thursday)]

posts: 118   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2017   ·   location: Southwest
id 8620904
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Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 3:34 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

Do you really believe that all they have done is talk?

Tell her that you have decided to give her one more late Christmas present. Tell her that you have scheduled a polygraph for her. Her immediate reaction will tell you all you need to no as to whether all they did was talk or not!

Read up on implementing 180. Don’t do the “pick me” dance. You are now in the driver’s seat, don’t surrender it to her!! She is probably terrified of losing her reputation and her nice, safe, comfortable lifestyle! She will do and say ANYTHING to appease you. DO NOT believe her!! She is still in LaLa land, where here lover still “gets her” and YOU are the real danger to her true happiness!

Stay strong!

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 9:41 AM, December 31st (Thursday)]

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 664   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8620916
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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 4:14 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

CM70, sorry this sucks so much but the ugly reality is she has done much more than she has admitted to, and it has probably gone on longer than she will admit as well.

Think about this - you had to go to some random car park because your wife's battery died? What was she doing that she lost track of what was going on so much that she let her battery die?

She wasn't just talking, you can bet on that.

This is blunt, sorry: when guys are cheating or messing with married/taken women, they are only in it for the pussy. If she is not giving him physical pleasure he is not taking the risk or putting in the effort.

Yeah, they certainly talked. He filled her ear with bullshit about how hot he thinks she is and all manner of standard teenager level getting-into-her-pants type bullshit: I understand you, your personality is blah blah fucking blah.

***

My advice is to pull back as much as possible for just a little while. Like you believe her. Try to let things subside.

This will be so difficult to do, you cannot imagine it, but keeping the pressure on will make her hide and delete even more. (That's what she was doing when you confronted her and she came back all teary.)

Get your spy operation in place. Voice activated recorder, GPS, phone monitoring etc.

Investigate history - someone who is dumb enough to run out her battery while screwing some guy in a parking lot is not going to be a mastermind of evasion.

Learn as much as you can. Then you take control of what you want to do with your life. Your wife is obviously not up to the task.

***

The spy operation is mainly if you are considering reconciliation, because you need to now what you are reconciling with. Or if you are leaning toward divorce but you have doubts and you want to know you are making the right decision.

But the truth is you already know enough if you want to divorce - she was cheating, it was physical, and physical pretty much means fucking.

If that is your dealbreaker, then you have it.

I also agree with the timeline and polygraph advice.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 10:14 AM, December 31st (Thursday)]

posts: 873   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8620925
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 4:27 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

Men don't meet a married woman alone in a parking lot (behind her husband's back) to just talk.

Among other things she is now a liar. She has no right to ask you to trust or believe anything she says or promises.

In order for your wife to take anything you say seriously she needs to believe (really believe) that you have all the evidence you need to divorce.

It's ok to express anger - just be civil.

Based on the calls and sneaking around, the burden of proof is on her to prove she didn't commit adultery.

With anything less than a video of them having sex, she will attempt to minimize what she did as just talking. Inform her if she can't prove she didn't commit adultery then you will divorce.

Schedule an appointment next week with an attorney (the first hour is often free consultation) to find out your rights. Let her know about the meeting (it makes a statement that rug sweeping or withholding information will not work - and you're serious about divorcing her).

Inform her that you intend to divorce her unless she can prove she didn't commit adultery.

Today she should: provide a written timeline subject to polygraph, hand over the phone and disclose what she deleted, total transparency, IC for her,NC at all with the OM.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8620928
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 4:31 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

Morning everyone, so it was late when I started typing my initial topic so I will continue from where I left off.

The next day (December 6th) after initially figuring out she was cheating I had to go to work. A very low production day to say the least. I get home we feed the kids and head up to the bedroom to continue the previous days initial conversation. She confesses is that she is emotionally attached and it's going to be hard to break it off. She says they only talked never anything physical, my BS meter is going off at that point but I let it go. I can see her phone records and the next day she has a 50 minute conversation with the AP. She says it's over and she want's to work it out. I say maybe I almost went to her parents and told them everything but decided against it for now.

I start doing research around December 7th on boards like this one to get ideas. I purchase a GPS for her car & hide it along with two (2) VARS one for our bedroom & one for her car. I am just laying low at this point & still having conversations of why, who, what,where etc. I find out the AP is divorced with two younger kids around 8. My wife tells me his wife cheated on him that's why his divorced. What a piece of Sh#t, I swear to God if I do get divorced I will never touch a married woman.

I am trying my best to hold things together and I decide we need to go out together & have some stiff drinks & a good dinner. We do that and stop at a local bar like a block from our house & have a couple more. We finish & go to the parking lot & she wants to talk. So the WW says I am not showing my emotions & only a week earlier I was crying uncontrollably in her arms asking why? I ask her if she love him no reply, I say by not answering that means yes. I say so you love me, the kids, the AP how does that work & what was her game plan? She says I don't know? Did you plan on leaving me, she says she didn't have a "plan". She says I know I am a terrible mother, wife, slut, whore etc & she is ashamed at what she has done but can't turn back time. I had mentioned in previous conversations that she cheats (WW) & I get to pay you for it now that's Fing great. Basically saying you are going to get half our assets for betraying me. She turns it around & says that I treat our marriage like a business and that's all I care about is the money. I reply crying I would step in front of a bus for her and give everything I had in this world for my kids & her. She has no response and just cries. We go home and talk some more & she is crying uncontrollably but I had enough, I whisper in her ear I am sorry I was not enough for you and go to sleep in the guest bedroom. The next day I am shelled out, and she says we made some progress last night & I am like WTF? Side note the VAR is working & records this entire conversation.

We continue our conversations I press on the physical part of their affair. "OK I kissed/made out with him but we never had sex" I still don't believe her. We go to our first marriage counselor appointment around mid December it was OK did not really get anything out of it, we don't go back to him again. I finally get a couple of hits on the VAR when her sister comes into town. They go shopping but for some reason she stops at the infamous "Park" to have a conversation with her sister. Her sister already knows what's going on, & her Sister says she is making a big mistake. My WW goes on to tell her that the AP get's her on a deeper level and there is spark that she has never felt for except for maybe me when we first met. She says she loves me and I am great guy, handsome, kind, loving, great father, provider but she doesn't know if she has the "spark" for me anymore and if she can rekindle that with us. This statement above cuts me to the core but at least I am getting the unfiltered truth. She compares me & the AP to the Bridges of Madison County in that she has a great guy but is she letting her soulmate go. I think in my head after hearing this, that's not real life it's a Fing movie. Let the AP deal with you for 22 years & let's see how he kisses you then. She goes on to say to her sister that we had sex but it was lucky the lights weren't on so I could see her facial expressions. Great confidence booster for me but to be honest my head was not in the game either. After hearing this I don't ask for sex, & I tell her that I can tell she is not into it so I will not be pressing the issue. She never mentions sex with her sister just the kissing so now I almost believe her on that point. This affair started in late July & COVID has made it difficult for her to go out like she usually would in normal times. She has seen her shrink a couple more times and she thinks it is helping her. I am having long distance with my best friend of thirty years and he knows her very well & can't believe what she has done. Everyday at this point is a roller coaster. I have more stories but that's all I can share for now. Thanks everyone this really is helping me...

[This message edited by CM70 at 10:35 AM, December 31st (Thursday)]

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8620930
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squid ( Member #57624) posted at 4:49 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

My bet is that, at best, this is what you're going to get from her for a long time. She's just going through the motions to appease you to get off her back.

She does not see her affair in a bad light. She knows it's wrong. But she also believes in the fantasy. She believes she is connected to the AP.

Until she gets her head out of her ass and sees the destructive nature of the affair and her actions, she will continue to be unsafe for you.

All of your guiding her to counselors and marriage counseling won't change her. She has to WANT to change.

She might not cheat anymore with this AP. But say your M hits a lull in a couple years and some other guy comes along that "reminds her of you back in the early days" and says all the things she likes to hear. What then?

You need to accept in your mind that they had full on monkey sex. That they went all the way and that she did things with him that she didn't do with you and may never do with you. How would you act now?

It's better to expect the worst and act accordingly than it is to keep giving her the benefit of the doubt and let her continue to manipulate you.

It's entirely her responsibility to prove to you that she is trustworthy and deserving of your love.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 4:54 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

I whisper in her ear I am sorry I was not enough for you

Don't do that again. This is all on her.

Also, I hate to say this because you should be able to express your emotions, but stop crying in front of her. She has no respect for you already and this will reduce her respect. For you. She will see your hurt as weakness, she does not give a shit about it. She will exploit it.

and go to sleep in the guest bedroom.

The guest room goes to the cheater, the faithful spouse keeps the marital bedroom.

We continue our conversations I press on the physical part of their affair. "OK I kissed/made out with him but we never had sex" I still don't believe her.

Nope. She's lying.

Cheaters love to get technical when it comes to sex. Anything other than penis in vagina is not "sex".

For example, blowjobs aren't sex.

I've even seen it where sex with condoms are not sex!

***

We go to our first marriage counselor appointment around mid December it was OK did not really get anything out of it, we don't go back to him again.

Nope. Stay away from Marriage counseling. The problem is with your wife not your marriage.

She never mentions sex with her sister just the kissing so now I almost believe her on that point.

Very unlikely. If anything, she doesn't want to admit it to her sister yet. She prefers to tell her the Bridges of Madison County love story.

She has seen her shrink a couple more times and she thinks it is helping her.

I am not a proponent of therapists/shrinks for cheaters. These people validate cheaters way too much.

You know what your wife is laying on the shrink? The same bullshit love story she has told her sister, sugar-coated lies and other bullshit.

You know what the shrink is not doing? Holding her relentlessly accountable, calling her out on her obvious lies, and telling her that what she needs to do is tell you EVERYTHING as soon as she gets back home.

There is probably a lot of "I see your point" and "Your feelings are understandable" and "Why do you think your husband is not measuring up?"

Garbage like that.

***

You're further along than I thought. But you're also behind. Time to take charge. Your wife will NEVER admit the truth come clean or do what it takes to help you heal unless you absolutely set the rules, boundaries, and consequences.

Good luck to you.

posts: 873   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8620938
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 5:06 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

She never mentions sex with her sister just the kissing so now I almost believe her on that point.

Her sister disapproves of the relationship... she's not going to be fully honest about it with her.

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8620941
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thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 5:07 PM on Thursday, December 31st, 2020

My suggestion is to bring this betrayal into the light with the kids, family... She needs to come out of the darkness and into the light and face herself. Right now, she gets to have her cake and eat it too.

Next, look in the healing library or do a search for the "180". You need to detach from her, emotionally separate yourself from her and let her face her consequences and decide what she's going to do. For now, find some peace and joy in things aside from her entirely. Start working out, going for runs/walks... anything. She has to choose and fight for you and the kids. It's tough love and it's a good thing. She can sleep somewhere else in the house or maybe go and move in with family for a few months.

The kids will probably have to see a counselor to help them process all of this.

File and have her served. She needs to see where this can go. You don't have to go thru with the divorce, but make her aware of what this is about.

You're early in this life of infidelity. It will take months and then years to filter thru it all. Be patient and stick around. We're here for you.

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4451   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8620943
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