It's fine and that's about all. We talk, we have sex, we do some things together, but it's like he's going through the motions with me. And I have no one else to blame but myself. I destroyed a perfectly good man, a wonderful husband and father and made him a shell of who he was. His eyes don't laugh along with his mouth anymore. He doesn't tease me the way he used to. He's more polite. Like he's formal with me.
Sounds very familiar. You know a bit about my story. My WW had a similar length affair only a year after yours, an EA that became a PA in which she brought OM to our home for unprotected sex. That much I know. You also know my WW has been trying her damndest to super spouse (except for being transparent with me about the affair).
In any case, I'm very grateful you posted this.
People need to know the reality as opposed to happy clappy sugarcoating.
We're 4 years out, so only slight behind you guys. I'm dying inside and would love for my WW to approach me about that. Instead we float along.
I decided in August I'm divorcing her and told her that. I'm still unsure of the timing but with every passing day I become more sure.
Lately I've been intensely researching furnished corporate apartments, VRBO and Airbnb options. I've been reading all about PODS storage for my stuff. Developing a freedom budget. I already had two legal consults this fall. It's starting to get real.
This morning, I almost sat her down and told her no more HB sex and that we should be celibate, but I stopped right at the brink of that because I didn't want to ruin her day (she never gave me the same consideration, of course, so I don't know why I think this way).
For those saying his depressive state may be unrelated to the infidelity, well, could be. But I think you all are probably vastly underestimating the internal devastation that comes with being betrayed. We see all the time betrayed spouses who show up decades later still in torment. This causes long-term damage to people. It just does.
I have the same impression that other members do, that what you're describing sounds like depression and midlife crisis.
Being a betrayed spouse most certainly precipitates an unwelcome midlife crisis the betrayed never signed up for. I'm smack dab in the middle of an existential crisis and I know exactly why. No need to whistle past the graveyard. Your husband and I are about the same age. Being this age and being betrayed by your one and only can have that impact.
Simply put, I think the affair broke his heart.
The heartbreak is real and quite literal. My BP has never gone back to normal healthy levels since the affair. It's like I did a bad reset and it has stayed high. I ended up in a cardiologist's office last year with a heart attack scare that turned out to be false. The heartbreak from betrayal is very real - emotionally, spiritually and physically.
The simplest way to put it, for me, is the feeling that I am still mourning the death of what was and what I believed in for so long, mixed with some measure of anger that it was intentionally taken from me. While I can be angry at that someone who was supposed to be in my corner was the one who stole my beloved relationship, it doesn't mean I hate that person. This is much how anyone with children can understand how you can hate a way they are behaving but not hate them. Except this isn't a child that is bound to act on youthful indiscretion, it's an adult who made choices to throw me under the bus.
My responses to your questions would be about the same as what your H said. If I had to guess it's that, like me, he doesn't desire to cause you pain or exhibit acts of bitterness but he still recognizes the raw data of what he feels and must face. At it's core, it's a feeling of being alone while navigating my reality.
If he's like me, he hates the knowledge that you willingly threw him away. If there was unkindness during the infidelity, TT or multiple DD's, that can intensify those feelings even many years later.
Very insightful set of observations from NotMyFirstRodeo and spot on. It's like you're in my head. Thank you laying this out so clearly.
Well… we start contemplating… We realize we will never become CEO’s. Have little resemblance to George Clooney. Are a bit slower in racket-ball and no longer do 200-pound press-ups for 3 reps of 20. That dad-bod is there to stay. We will never get a Ferrari. We look around and worry about our careers: Our colleagues are younger, and we worry what might happen if we are fired. We realize that chances are next Friday our highlight will be watching some show on the TV and maybe doing the home-finances…
Yes, and then if you pile on top of all that the failure that a betrayal by your wife represents, men turn into very serious, very introspective people -- especially, I think, if their wives decided to betray them at the big midlife point. 50 is the midlife point for me, because barring some major illnesses, my forebears tend to live to
be about 100, even with the familial high BP.
Betrayed men might frown a lot, because they're thinking, ruminating, wheels turning. Because of what's going on inside. They might be silent for long periods. You might not see their eyes smiling very much. Yes, to all that.
Is your husband healthy enough now to lift weights? I recommend this to midlife men all the time. Try a paleo-ish diet paired with weight lifting. It often does wonders for the psyche.
[This message edited by Thumos at 4:15 PM, December 18th (Friday)]