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Wayward Side :
At A Loss

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78monte ( Member #72572) posted at 5:07 PM on Friday, December 18th, 2020

Hi Mrs Walloped, I just read this. Not sure if someone posted it already: A common outcome of having to be intubated and housed in an intensive care unit for a long period of time, which isn't uncommon in COVID-19 patients who need hospitalization," says Dr. Christine Traxler. "The main symptoms seen are similar to PTSD, with anxiety, depression, nightmares, flashbacks, and a higher risk for suicide and long-term mental and physical health complications coming out of the stress of this type of medical experience."

posts: 1157   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
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Darkness Falls ( Member #27879) posted at 6:08 PM on Friday, December 18th, 2020

T/J:

So basically you are saying you are not in R.

Why are you still married then?

Not trying to call you out, MCS, but a couple doesn’t need to be in R to stay married. Kids and finances probably top most people’s lists in those cases, and that’s ok.

End T/J

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 12:09 PM, December 18th (Friday)]

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6310   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8617816
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 6:33 PM on Friday, December 18th, 2020

It's fine and that's about all. We talk, we have sex, we do some things together, but it's like he's going through the motions with me. And I have no one else to blame but myself. I destroyed a perfectly good man, a wonderful husband and father and made him a shell of who he was. His eyes don't laugh along with his mouth anymore. He doesn't tease me the way he used to. He's more polite. Like he's formal with me.

Sounds very familiar. You know a bit about my story. My WW had a similar length affair only a year after yours, an EA that became a PA in which she brought OM to our home for unprotected sex. That much I know. You also know my WW has been trying her damndest to super spouse (except for being transparent with me about the affair).

In any case, I'm very grateful you posted this.

People need to know the reality as opposed to happy clappy sugarcoating.

We're 4 years out, so only slight behind you guys. I'm dying inside and would love for my WW to approach me about that. Instead we float along.

I decided in August I'm divorcing her and told her that. I'm still unsure of the timing but with every passing day I become more sure.

Lately I've been intensely researching furnished corporate apartments, VRBO and Airbnb options. I've been reading all about PODS storage for my stuff. Developing a freedom budget. I already had two legal consults this fall. It's starting to get real.

This morning, I almost sat her down and told her no more HB sex and that we should be celibate, but I stopped right at the brink of that because I didn't want to ruin her day (she never gave me the same consideration, of course, so I don't know why I think this way).

For those saying his depressive state may be unrelated to the infidelity, well, could be. But I think you all are probably vastly underestimating the internal devastation that comes with being betrayed. We see all the time betrayed spouses who show up decades later still in torment. This causes long-term damage to people. It just does.

I have the same impression that other members do, that what you're describing sounds like depression and midlife crisis.

Being a betrayed spouse most certainly precipitates an unwelcome midlife crisis the betrayed never signed up for. I'm smack dab in the middle of an existential crisis and I know exactly why. No need to whistle past the graveyard. Your husband and I are about the same age. Being this age and being betrayed by your one and only can have that impact.

Simply put, I think the affair broke his heart.

The heartbreak is real and quite literal. My BP has never gone back to normal healthy levels since the affair. It's like I did a bad reset and it has stayed high. I ended up in a cardiologist's office last year with a heart attack scare that turned out to be false. The heartbreak from betrayal is very real - emotionally, spiritually and physically.

The simplest way to put it, for me, is the feeling that I am still mourning the death of what was and what I believed in for so long, mixed with some measure of anger that it was intentionally taken from me. While I can be angry at that someone who was supposed to be in my corner was the one who stole my beloved relationship, it doesn't mean I hate that person. This is much how anyone with children can understand how you can hate a way they are behaving but not hate them. Except this isn't a child that is bound to act on youthful indiscretion, it's an adult who made choices to throw me under the bus.

My responses to your questions would be about the same as what your H said. If I had to guess it's that, like me, he doesn't desire to cause you pain or exhibit acts of bitterness but he still recognizes the raw data of what he feels and must face. At it's core, it's a feeling of being alone while navigating my reality.

If he's like me, he hates the knowledge that you willingly threw him away. If there was unkindness during the infidelity, TT or multiple DD's, that can intensify those feelings even many years later.

Very insightful set of observations from NotMyFirstRodeo and spot on. It's like you're in my head. Thank you laying this out so clearly.

Well… we start contemplating… We realize we will never become CEO’s. Have little resemblance to George Clooney. Are a bit slower in racket-ball and no longer do 200-pound press-ups for 3 reps of 20. That dad-bod is there to stay. We will never get a Ferrari. We look around and worry about our careers: Our colleagues are younger, and we worry what might happen if we are fired. We realize that chances are next Friday our highlight will be watching some show on the TV and maybe doing the home-finances…

Yes, and then if you pile on top of all that the failure that a betrayal by your wife represents, men turn into very serious, very introspective people -- especially, I think, if their wives decided to betray them at the big midlife point. 50 is the midlife point for me, because barring some major illnesses, my forebears tend to live to

be about 100, even with the familial high BP.

Betrayed men might frown a lot, because they're thinking, ruminating, wheels turning. Because of what's going on inside. They might be silent for long periods. You might not see their eyes smiling very much. Yes, to all that.

Is your husband healthy enough now to lift weights? I recommend this to midlife men all the time. Try a paleo-ish diet paired with weight lifting. It often does wonders for the psyche.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:15 PM, December 18th (Friday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 6:53 PM on Friday, December 18th, 2020

I am a BS. We divorced many, many years ago. My ex-wife cheated early in our marriage. I basically felt dead towards her the balance of the marriage (6 more years). A terrible MC kept us together. I play-acted like I felt something for her, hoping feelings would return. Of course, she did everything not to help me heal. I finally caught her again having another affair, and that was that. I felt liberated upon divorcing her and my life has turned out so much better without her. But that is my story, not yours. I don't know the details of your affair, but it is clear you do love your husband and truly want the marriage to work. If my ex-wife was like you, our marriage could have had a chance. But, to be honest, the betrayal would have been with me the balance of our time together. But I don't know for sure. If she truly became a loving wife, maybe things could have been different. Your story breaks my heart. You both truly love each other and want the marriage to continue. Sadly, he will carry the betrayal with him forever, though, with time, it might diminish in intensity. Unfortunately, there is just too much cheating in marriages. According to some polls, about half of marriages involve one or the other spouse cheating during the marriage. People love to hear about the salacious facts concerning affairs but never are exposed to the devastation it causes the BS and family. Maybe if the message got out, people might not act so selfish and reckless. I truly hope things work out for you and your husband. Just show him unremitting love and devotion the rest of your time together. But, unfortunately, the bottom line is that a BS will always know that the WS decided, at some point in the marriage, to pick someone else over his or her spouse, consequences be damned. You can push it down, you can read books, listen to experts, accept the unremitting attempts of the WS to make the marriage work. But in the end, you know they simply didn't give a shit about their partners when they decided to cheat. That's the dilemma facing every BS. You love your spouse, he or she loves you back, but you have this betrayal staring you in the face from now until eternity.

[This message edited by src9043 at 8:11 PM, December 20th (Sunday)]

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MrCleanSlate ( Member #71893) posted at 7:16 PM on Friday, December 18th, 2020

DarknessFalls

So basically you are saying you are not in R.

Why are you still married then?

Not trying to call you out, MCS, but a couple doesn’t need to be in R to stay married. Kids and finances probably top most people’s lists in those cases, and that’s ok.

It was at the moment a valid question to Buck as he made it clear he wasn't comfortable relying on his WW. So I wondered why he was still married, which may have shed some light onto the topic at hand. It was an honest question. In your case, you are open about the reasons why and that is relevant to being on the same page with your SO...

WH 52,my BW is 51
1 year PA, D-Day Oct 2015
Admitted all, but there is no 'clean slate'. In R and working it everyday
“To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day

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Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 8:53 AM on Sunday, December 20th, 2020

I am not a professional therapist by any stretch of the imagination..... there, there is my disclaimer

Sounds to me that since he was so ill, he clearly saw his mortality, and is questioning just how much longer he actually has here on earth. He has been examining his life, and even with his love for the kids and grandchild, he is feeling like his life isn’t what he feels it should be. Basically put, he feels defeated. When he thinks about your affair, he doesn’t get angry, because he is defeated. Yes, you did help him when he was sick, and yes you were there for him. But do you think it crossed his mind that yes, you were there for him then, but would you be there for him next time? And might it have crossed his mind that if he did pass away, how long would it take you to find another man to replace him again. Defeated

And yes, you changed him,, permanently. The list of in exactly what ways is very long, and you know those ways better than anyone.

I don’t have any advice for you. All I can do is wish the both of you good luck.

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

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 MrsWalloped (original poster Member #62313) posted at 3:16 PM on Monday, December 21st, 2020

Thank you for all your posts. This update is very hard for me to write so I'm sorry if it comes out weird or not entirely coherent. I'm just going to type and not stop until I hit submit.

We talked a lot. He agreed that he needs to see someone and depression rang true to him so he contacted his therapist who he liked and who helped him after DDay and has one online session this week as a kickoff and then will start regular zoom sessions after the holidays.

So what else is going on with him? I offered a lot of ideas based on what people posted here. He agrees with almost everyone and thinks it's a combination of everything.

People asked about his career. It's good. He was downsized about 3 years ago (that was a tough period) but he started a new role in private equity in a new industry. He loves it. It's challenging and it is very rewarding, but it is also a highly stressful job and it is taking a toll on him mentally and physically (he stopped working out and he's just exhausted when he's done with little energy). He can't see himself doing it for too much longer particularly after this illness. So he's just tired but he doesn't want to switch careers yet.

I told him I want to get a full physical and blood work and check his testosterone levels. He didn't have a problem with that.

Okay. Me and my A. He doesn't feel like my A is at the front of his mind or heart. But it is part of it. His illness scared him a lot and he is an introspective person by nature and he spent a lot of time in bed thinking and I guess taking stock. He told me over and over that he doesn't regret staying and not just because of the kids. He thinks it was the right choice for him and when he thinks about it he's happy that he made that choice.

He wants to enjoy life and he said he wants to enjoy it with me. But there is something blocking him from doing that. He hasn't let himself go.

He said that while he's happy with the choice he made and I've done everything he could think of or want from a wife who did what I did, his choice wasn't a happy choice. It was the lesser of two evils. So he doesn't feel like he had the freedom to really choose. And he said he may very well have chosen the exact same thing 100 times over and there's nothing really in the past 5 years that made him regret his decision at all, he still feels like he was trapped into his life.

I have his permission to share this. He said he already shared this with some people here on SI privately. You may remember that his father died young. Walloped is older now than his father was when he passed away. Well his mother cheated on his father. She had an affair and it broke his father. Both my in-laws were only children from parents who survived the Holocaust and they had lost children during the war. My in-laws were both born after the war and they got married young, basically because of survivors guilt. Their parents survived for some reason so they must be the reason their parents survived so they must do something to make their parents happy and so they married each other. I'm simplifying it, but it's not far off - they were boyfriend and girlfriend and did love each other. But the more successful my FIL became the more entitled and self-centered she became until she stopped loving him and started being condescending and viewed him as not good enough for her. She had her affair a few years before we got married. My FIL found out but didn't want to get divorced because it would kill his parents and his in-laws who he was very close to. So he stayed and Walloped said his father became a shell of who he was. His mother and father didn’t R. She forgot her roots and thought very highly of herself and she was trading up with N (her AP). He fit her new image that she created for herself with her husband’s money. Meanwhile he used to laugh and told corny dad jokes and was adventurous and all that stopped after this. But he just gave up on life. He had a heart attack in his 40's. He loved me. He was so warm and kind and genuine. I believe he’s looking down on us and is so sad for his son and so disappointed in me. Not angry. Never angry. I never heard him raise his voice. He was such a gentle soul. I can see him just looking at me with sadness and even a little compassion. Thankfully he got to see our DD1 and she was his pride and joy and then he died when she was just a few months old. And to this day Walloped holds his mother responsible for his father's death. He firmly believes she killed him. She would have divorced him had he not passed away, yet she got to play the grieving widow which was a total farce.

I knew all this. I knew what happened to his father. I knew this history. I was there when his dad passed away. And I did the same thing to him that his mother did to his father. I am a cruel cruel person. I am a monster. There is no sugarcoating that. This is who I am. It’s part of what he’s been dealing with for the last 5 years. His biggest fear after my A, which I guess he held back publicly on SI, was that he was going to end up like his father. A broken shell who was just going to give up and die young. And now he almost died. And how can he not draw the parallels?

I told him so many things to try and help him. I’ve done this for 5 years so I’m not rehashing everything I’ve said to him again and again, but I basically said that I am not trading up, I am not leaving, I am with him for as long as he’ll have me next to him, I love him and he is not his father. He made a choice and he’s happy with his choice, his father wasn’t. We are in R, they weren’t. And he’s a fighter. He’s fought so hard for so long and he was blessed with so much goodness in his life. He’s not his father and I’m not his mother even though I did what she did. His mother wasn’t remorseful. She was and still is a bitter shrew. I am devoted to him and while she wanted to leave his father, my most sincere wish is that I get to stay with him for as long as we live.

So it’s my A and not my A. It’s where he is in life after facing his own mortality and feeling like he is not in control or didn’t really have good options. He’s not concerned about me cheating again or whether I’m remorseful or what kind of wife I’ll be or anything like that. He envisions his future with me and he’s happy with that vision. He just never envisioned his future to be with someone who betrayed him like this. But he doesn’t want to not be with me either. I asked him how he feels when he thinks about us growing old together enjoying our current and future grandchildren and he smiled and said it made him feel happy, content and proud. But then his brain gets in the way. When he starts thinking about it is when he starts feeling lost. It’s like he’s trying to come to terms with his positive feelings and also thinking he shouldn’t be okay with it let alone be happy with it. That something’s wrong with him if he allows himself to be happy with his life.

I don’t how I should feel. I guess I’m happy that he can say he feels happy and content when he thinks about staying with me but this inner turmoil he’s going through must be horrible for him. He’s not walking around sad all the time. He’s generally fine. He’s tired and gets exhausted quickly (I think that’s illness related) and maybe he doesn’t have the energy to fight his thoughts or his thoughts become too much for him to deal with so he shuts down. I don’t know (and he doesn’t know cause I asked) if he’s just not able to turn his brain off or if something’s blocking him or if there’s just a disconnection between his brain and his heart. I guess that’s what IC will be for. I just don’t know how to help him or make things easier for him in some way.

And that’s where we’re at.

Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R

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Unhinged ( Member #47977) posted at 4:29 PM on Monday, December 21st, 2020

I don't know that there's really anything you can do to help someone on a deeply personal and existential journey aside from being a loving, caring spouse, willing to listen.

Heading towards divorce
D-Day April, 2015

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button."
-Brene Brown

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Hippo16 ( Member #52440) posted at 4:30 PM on Monday, December 21st, 2020

MrsWalloped

the words in your last post - they say Walloped

"worships the ground you walk on" - not the best choice of words but I hope you get the feeling that you don't have to worry Walloped doesn't love you.

You both have been through a very bad experience and he has (now that you have shared) a horrible mother/father experience.

Even though he is extremely intelligent (as you say here in your choice of words describing him) - a "penalty" of intelligence is a good memory.

Give him time and support and be open in your communication - I want to think you two will continue to grow old together - that is to fulfill his dream of breaking the history of his past and going on to a much better future.

I wonder if starting a thread in General about toxic parent(s) would help.

So you see what you added to the marriage is significant but so is the history of his life.

Taken together and then physical health scare will put a dent in anyone's disposition...

with work and care he will get better

Best wishes for your Holiday

Not Just Friends

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 MrsWalloped (original poster Member #62313) posted at 4:44 PM on Monday, December 21st, 2020

I don't know that there's really anything you can do to help someone on a deeply personal and existential journey aside from being a loving, caring spouse, willing to listen.

I understand that and I honestly try to be I just feel so helpless and I want him to be happy and he's not and of course he's going through this because of me so I guess some selfish part of me wants to help him because I'm feeling so guilty and it hurts to see him like this.

Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R

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HouseOfPlane ( Member #45739) posted at 5:16 PM on Monday, December 21st, 2020

Much of the whole country is experiencing a mental health crisis thanks to a bunch of reasons, COVID included. To have fought the battle he fought to stay alive...being just OK actually doesn't sound all too bad, sitting here watching from the cheap seats. To quote Queen Elizabeth, this is an annus horribulus, a year to be endured more than enjoyed. Take pride in your will to survive and fight!

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

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id 8618491
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Thissucks5678 ( Member #54019) posted at 6:02 PM on Monday, December 21st, 2020

At one of our MC sessions, our MC told my WH that he couldn’t have picked a worst person to cheat on due to my foo issues, if he ever wanted to have my trust. It just might never be in the cards for him because I was broken to begin with. It sounds similar in your situation.

You and my WH both did the unthinkable to people who were already scarred. We may be able to survive and even thrive, but we always have that lingering thought of how could they do that to me of all people knowing what they know? It sucks. I love my WH, I chose to stay. I believe I am happier now than I would’ve been had we divorced and I analyzed that choice for over two years before making it. I have exit plans in place, I’m good no matter what the future holds now. I will never understand how he did that to me. Our marriage will always have a tint of sadness. I’m so sorry for all Mr. Walloped has gone through. I feel for him deeply.

All I can offer to you is be there for him and don’t forget to apologize and be grateful for the chance he gave you.

DDay: 6/2016

“Every test in our life makes us Bitter or Better. Every problem comes to Break Us or Make Us. The choice is ours whether to be Victim or Victor.” - unknown

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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 7:07 PM on Monday, December 21st, 2020

I'm with Unhinged.

So how can you show your love? I keep going back to:

Ask Walloped if he wants something you can give.

If you want to give him something - a hug, a kiss, just sitting with him - ask if he'll accept it.

If you think he wants something, tell him so and make the offer.

*****

I'm concerned with your comments about being cruel and being a monster. I don't think you can maximize your healing without somehow coming to grips with the paradox of doing something cruel and monstrous and then stopping the cruelty and monstrousness.

You fouled up MrsW. Now you're making amends. Both are true.

*****

I say the following as an observation, not as criticism.

In thinking Walloped's predicament is about your A, you may be making it about you. But his predicament is about him, not you - and it would be about him, even if it were about your A.

*****

It looks like you had a good talk. It looks like you asserted yourself on Walloped's behalf.

In a good partnership, the boundary between what you want for you ('all about you') and for him (not all about you) is often hard to discern, but you got Walloped to get himself help. You'll both benefit from that, but I think asking him to get help is mainly about him - after all, he'll benefit from good IC and good medical practice even if you were to leave.

That's good stuff. It's what a good partner does. I think you deserve to give yourself more credit than you do.

I'm really sorry Walloped has been impacted so heavily by the novel corona virus. I wish him the best of recoveries.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:09 PM, December 21st (Monday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 7:16 PM on Monday, December 21st, 2020

He said that while he's happy with the choice he made and I've done everything he could think of or want from a wife who did what I did, his choice wasn't a happy choice. It was the lesser of two evils. So he doesn't feel like he had the freedom to really choose. And he said he may very well have chosen the exact same thing 100 times over and there's nothing really in the past 5 years that made him regret his decision at all, he still feels like he was trapped into his life.

This isn't far off from my own thoughts and feelings. While I come here to SI to vent, and while I think about infidelity A LOT, there has been plenty of happiness in my life the past four years. Just not enough. Not what I consider optimal happiness in a normal human life.

The other difference is you've been fully transparent and authentic, and I don't think my WW has.

So the feeling of being trapped into a life I didn't want has been more acute for me.

You may remember that his father died young. Walloped is older now than his father was when he passed away.

Mine too. Mine died at a very young age when I was 2 years old. His ghostly presence has loomed in much my adult life.

She had her affair a few years before we got married. My FIL found out but didn't want to get divorced because it would kill his parents and his in-laws who he was very close to. So he stayed and Walloped said his father became a shell of who he was. His mother and father didn’t R. She forgot her roots and thought very highly of herself and she was trading up with N (her AP). He fit her new image that she created for herself with her husband’s money. Meanwhile he used to laugh and told corny dad jokes and was adventurous and all that stopped after this. But he just gave up on life. He had a heart attack in his 40's.

This is terrifying. This looms large for me as a cautionary tale and makes me want to go out tomorrow and rent an apartment.

Can I ask, were you yourself aware contemporaneously of these circumstances and how your MIL's betrayal essentially killed your FIL? or did you come to learn about it a little later?

I asked him how he feels when he thinks about us growing old together

This is a great framing device and something I have asked myself. Probably most BS's should. When I think of it with my WW, I don't feel proud. It gives me an icy feeling in my gut.

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:25 PM, December 21st (Monday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

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id 8618540
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TX1995 ( Member #58175) posted at 7:21 PM on Monday, December 21st, 2020

Mrs. Walloped,

All of what you/he say makes sense and it's a lot for him to wade through and struggle with. I know it's very hard for both of you. Not sure if YOU are still in IC, but you might consider it so that you can continue to be a strong support for MrWalloped.

The brain and heart not being in sync is a battle I am very familiar with and I hope that MrWalloped can find some peace and healing with IC. Sending strength to you both.

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

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 MrsWalloped (original poster Member #62313) posted at 7:24 PM on Monday, December 21st, 2020

Ask Walloped if he wants something you can give.

If you want to give him something - a hug, a kiss, just sitting with him - ask if he'll accept it.

If you think he wants something, tell him so and make the offer.

Yes. I do.

I'm concerned with your comments about being cruel and being a monster. I don't think you can maximize your healing without somehow coming to grips with the paradox of doing something cruel and monstrous and then stopping the cruelty and monstrousness.

This is hard for me. I spent so much time on reframing my thoughts and not falling back into my typical way of thinking about myself but when I get too into what I did I can't help but revert back to the old me and my shame spiral kicks in and then I retreat to my old mantras. I can understand the two parts of me at one level but when the emotional side hits it's like I forget everything I learned and worked on and that's what comes out.

In thinking Walloped's predicament is about your A, you may be making it about you. But his predicament is about him, not you - and it would be about him, even if it were about your A.

Even if it was a criticism, I don't mind. I'm trying not to make it about me because I agree it's not. I mean, I'm writing here and it's from my perspective so a lot of it will be my view and how I see it and yes, it's impact on me. That doesn't mean I live my life with him that way or express that to him. But I also think it's okay for me to voice my own fears here in the Wayward Forum.

Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R

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 MrsWalloped (original poster Member #62313) posted at 7:32 PM on Monday, December 21st, 2020

Hi Thumos.

Can I ask, where you yourself aware contemporaneously of these circumstances and how your MIL's betrayal essentially killed your FIL?

You mean did I know when I had my A or before? Yes. I knew. We were together since high school. Which is around when his mother had her A. I was his shoulder and the one person he could vent to about it. His brother was too young to know what was going on.

When I think of it with my WW, I don't feel proud. It gives me an icy feeling in my gut.

I'm very sorry to hear that.

Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R

posts: 682   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2018
id 8618552
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 8:34 PM on Monday, December 21st, 2020

he still feels like he was trapped into his life

sorry to t/j, but that is such an elegant and apt way to synthesize the BS' perspective.

MrsW - I have nothing to add, other than to wish the best for you and the Mr.

From everything I've read here you both have worked so hard and are in my thoughts/prayers.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3367   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8618568
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SadieMae ( Member #42986) posted at 8:40 PM on Monday, December 21st, 2020

I'm so sorry, I don't know if any of this is going to make sense.

You mean did I know when I had my A or before? Yes. I knew. We were together since high school. Which is around when his mother had her A. I was his shoulder and the one person he could vent to about it.

It’s interesting. I also experienced my father’s infidelities as a teenager (I was 17 when he imploded our family) and it was devastating. We had a happy family one day and then it just seemed to disappear. I took it hard. My H and I have been together since we were 20. He helped me rebuild a relationship with my father and helped me accept my father’s wife. He knew how terrible that infidelity was for me.

I used to tell him, “Don’t ever cheat on me, but if you do, I’ll figure it out – I caught my father when I was 17.” It was always said in a joking kind of way… at least until D-Day when I found out he was a cheater. But the fact that he knew my past, the he knew what my father had done, that he knew I’d had to lay in the grass and take pictures of my father as he left for work in the rain… that he knew all that and still destroyed us with a yearlong love affair??? It hurts.

Our relationships are similar – we got together young, we were very close and very in love, we were best friends. He was the first guy I dated for any extended period of time. He was the first guy I fell in love with. His A was online, EA and very graphic with sexting, pics, videos. It was also full of fantasy and terms of endearments and all kinds of soul-killing things.

I also find myself comparing to my mother’s timeline. She was 40 when dad imploded the world with his drinking, I was 40 when WH imploded my world with his A. She was 48 when dad imploded our world again with his exit affair…. What’s going to happen to me in 2 years? My mother died 4 months after D-Day, at 72. I can’t help but look at 72 as my deadline – what can I do between now and then?

My husband was always my plan A. He was not my second choice, he was my true love. And then he wasn’t true and suddenly plan A is just *poof* gone. It sucks and all there is to it is accepting that it sucks.

I had actually been working through this thread copying things out about broken hearts and broken dreams when I read this and wanted to share my story. I’m not sure if my view helps, but thank you for letting me share.

edited to fix formatting

[This message edited by SadieMae at 2:41 PM, December 21st, 2020 (Monday)]

Me: BW 40 on DDAY
Him: WH 40 on DDAY (FlawedBroken)
Together over half our lives.
D-day 3/9/2014
TT until 6/2016
TT again Fall 2020

posts: 1195   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Sweet Tea in the Shade
id 8618570
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Owl6118 ( Member #42806) posted at 11:25 PM on Monday, December 21st, 2020

Sad smile.

What you say, all of it -- it's just the most Walloped thing ever. Of the people I've "met" in my whole life, he is among the most constant in character, the most true to himself. This is just so him.

A few thoughts.

1. Remember how soon after you read the posts, I told you it was a joyful day, becuase now Walloped didn't have to be so alone? You could be there with him? This, your reaching out here for help and following up with him and drawing him out, is another such day. Hold that thought tight. You were there for him. You fought through the fear and the reserve and made yourself vulnerable and helped him do the same. Well done.

2. I recall he knows his literary fantasy. He now is a little like Frodo after the return to the Shire, at the very end of the story. You have to be for him his phial, his Phial of Galadrial, to hold when the chill comes. If you don't remember that story or that part of it, ask him, he will.

3. One last deeply philosophical thought. Some say the journey of the survivors of the Shoah is like the Exodus. That the generation that left Egypt, ie, survived the Shoah, was not given to see the promised land themselves. The wounds to the soul were too terrible, So there had to be a generation--their children-- born in the wilderness. Out of Egypt, but not in the promised land either.

But if thus metaphor has a bit of truth in it, perhaps the real sad truth is, it is actually more than one generation.

There is a reading of your two families' stories in which all that has transpired is the working out of the deep rents to the soul of survivorship. In which your own worst choices trace back through your own mother to her parents and that unfathomable trauma, the damage done that could not be wholly healed in one generation, and passed to the cbikdren and then as it turned out, to you. From your grandparents, to your mother, to you, and also Walloped's grandparents, to his parents, to him. But perhaps two generations in the wilderness will be enough at last. It may be that your and his children of your loving marriage will see the promised land, and live whole, and two generations in the Wilderness will end the Exodus.

Please share this idea with him if you would be so kind. He may find some meaning in it as he builds the new story of his life and his life with you and its meaning.

posts: 338   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2014
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