SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So most of you know my story. My stbxw was a serial cheater and she left me for the AP, even though I filed for divorce, who she is still with.

I followed the advice of many and took her to court for alimony, as I was a sahd and she made 6 figures.

Seemed like a slam dunk, right?

Well 6k$ to the lawyer later I haven't even made it to the temporary orders hearing, couldn't pay the new retainer, and can't pay my mortgage this month.

I got a job that starts this week, but I only make 16$/hr and have 2 vehicles that both need new brakes.

I have a 7yo daughter who I've been feeding and going to school with. (Covid at home school) Now I won't be able to do that any more.

I've gotta say I can't believe how fucked up this all is, it's literally a money vacuum and I just wish I wouldn't have bothered.

I might have had a real career if I hadn't sacrificed everything for my family, that was a giant mistake and I will live to regret it apparently.

This post is super sour grapes and I'm sorry for that but I can't help but feel defeated.

I'm going to contact the bitch and see if she we can do it uncontested and give her everything she wants. I give up.

Edit: I made stupid errors about who left who for who for what reason, which I corrected

[This message edited by 99problems at 1:43 AM, December 6th, 2020 (Sunday)]

$6K and you haven't had a temp hearing? Have you gotten an accounting of the hours billed from that attorney? I mean that seems high and I spent $55K all told but the first $6K got me past required attempt at mediation, the deposition of the OW and the temp hearing.

Hang in there. I know it’s looks bleak right now.

But you will survive this and rebound. Have faith.

Why two vehicles? Get some money there.

Get a detailed listing of what your attorney has been doing for the retainer.

Divorce law usually has some factors to prevent the financially more robust partner from stalling and/or flooding the less fortunate partner with legal cost. In Colorado you can ask that your financially more capable partner pays your legal fees.

Why not try this:

Money can come in different ways and forms: Rather than alimony then maybe use the threat of asking the judge for alimony and for the WW to pay legal fees to get more of the marital assets. Like if you agree to not ask for alimony or won’t touch her pension or allow her to keep her BMW, expensive jewelry, savings, her business… then you get all equity in a debt free house.

I don’t know your situation – replace house with money, BMW with a business she might own, pension with stocks… But get the picture: Get the best solution for you that you can.

Don't give up.

Fire your lawyer and hire another. Talk to 4 or 5 before hiring. Hire the one who feels like he/she "gets" you. But if possible hire one with a "bulldog" reputation.

Report your existing lawyer to the bar association of your state. Tell him you want a refund of the fees paid because for $6,000 you should be well into the court proceeding by now.

He is required by law to give you a detailed hourly statement of his work. If his bills don't include that, demand it.

I'm sorry you are struggling.

Focus on your daughter. You need to stand strong for her sake. you know your situation best. It would seem to me that it is worth fighting for, to protect your daughter, but I don't know all of the factors of your situation.

I'm going to contact the bitch and see if she we can do it uncontested and give her everything she wants. I give up.

She may want alimony from you. It's incredibly frustrating.

I recall your story but don't remember all the particulars. Does your daughter live with you?

Uffda I'm so sorry 99p. Divorce is a horrid stressful process, no doubt.

But do what you gotta do to get it done. Once you're out, I promise things do improve!

You shouldn't give up. She should be paying the attorney fees for you. I'd have your attorney, request that with the courts. I know I had to pay my exes attorney fees.

YOu should probably talk to your attorney or get a new one. Just bc you're a SAHD doesnt mean you get no representation. Even if you have to do it yourself, you will get support.

I'd stick with your strategy. Have you asked for child support? You should get all this done, get the temp orders in place now.

If she hasn't been paying to support your daughter you can go after back support. Time to light a fire under your atty. No excuse for $6,000 and nothing to show. IF you are reliant upon her salary you can get alimony and CS. Don't let her wiggle out of it.

Snarky response: You need my STBXW's lawyer. She has tried to bully her way to STBXW getting just about everything that we owned with me getting just about all of our debt. This is a literal fact: She asked the court to force me to pay her attorney fees, out of need, even though she has had a larger net income than me for the past 16 months and she will have a larger net income than me after we are divorced (even if the judge gives me EVERYTHING that I am asking for).

Serious response: You need to speak to your attorney about how to finance this, including the fact that your ex might need to be paying for your attorney fees.

It's also true that you might want to consider giving up certain things in the divorce simply because the divorce is so damn expensive.

My divorce has cost me about $30,000. The first $15,000 of that was fighting for custody of my kids; I don't regret that at all and I would do it the same way all over again.

The second $15,000 was for trial, in which I am hoping to reduce my monthly payment to STBWX from $3250 per month to $1700-$2000 per month. I am also taking on some risk, as STBXW has increased her request somewhat, including that annoying request for me to pay for her legal fees. Doing the math, though, I am hoping to save $1250-$1500 per month, which means that simple payback on my "legal investment" is 10-12 months. Ergo, going to trial makes a lot of sense for me, especially considering that the law seems to be on my side (i.e., I am not asking for anything special under the law... I'm just asking for what the laws says).

I have to really question the thought process of an attorney who would take your $6,000 but make no effort to make sure you'll be able to keep paying him more. So he's not only a shyster attorney, he's dumb as Hell to boot because it wouldn't have taken much effort on his part to keep that cash flowing and him getting some of it.

So something really smells rotten there. Get to the bottom of it. Do you have a friend who could help you navigate all this?

Would you and the children be able to move in with your parents for awhile? And you go back to school? Don't just focus on the next month's mortgage payment, etc., but on your future life. You will have one, you know, but it's up to you what it'll be like.

[This message edited by josiep at 2:14 PM, December 8th (Tuesday)]

Hi guys. Ive been absent since I posted this, because I haven't wanted to catastrophize and rant while you are all trying to help me. I'm feeling a bit more stable now.

To answer a few questions-

I do not have parents to move in with- my mom lives with me and is not financially stable enough to contribute her share of living costs. She does watch my child while I am at work and that is very valuable.

Dad died in 2017. He was destitute.

The only thing I own worth money is the houses(2)- I cannot even get a loan against my equity right now, as I am not on the mortgages. I am on the titles.

The cars are old and not worth much- hence why I have 2. If one breaks down I will still have transportation.

I have procured a small loan from a friend to keep the house from foreclosing until I get my first paycheck. This was very difficult for me to do, as I struggle with pride apparently.

I still can't afford the lawyer. Or to get a new one. I really don't know this will pan out. I have asked the lawyer if I can request her to pay legal fees but he didn't sound optimistic about that

I vetted this lawyer to the best of my ability- I asked a family friend who was a lawyer for a recommend, I interviewed multiple lawyers, etc. I don't think he's a bad lawyer, but he apparently isn't cheap. I have stopped contacting him with everyday issues as when I have it costs me a small fortune.

Stbxw has refused to settle on anything.

I am looking into legal aid.

Mentally I'm feeling stronger than when I wrote this post, bit I still don't have a working solution and it's stressful.

Thanks for all of your input. Once I have a paycheck under my belt(in a week from now)I can apply for a loan and I have pretty good credit so that's one avenue that I was not seeing before. I detest loaning money but I don't really see too many other options. I still am not seeing how I go forward lawyer-wise. I'm not happy with my counsel but getting another one seems insane- what if I pay another 5000$ retainer and the new lawyer is as bad or worse? That seems very possible.

Thank you to everyone who offered advice and thoughts on this thread.

Your support is keeping me going through this time.

P.S. I have received an accounting of the lawyer fees every month. 100$ email, 250$ phone call adds up quickly. And my stbxw has been causing so many issues that I've had to deal with through the lawyer, as she is a total psycho.

Also- a fun thing that happened is that my stbxw managed to get fired from her job right before she filed financials (literally day of) so she has filed her income as being 0. She has another job now(as I do) and she still undoubtedly makes much more money than I do(it's not hard to do) but I should still be able to get some if I can survive until trial.

Some quick advice about legal fees:

I have received an accounting of the lawyer fees every month. 100$ email, 250$ phone call adds up quickly.

I am a lawyer, and I too used to be required to bill my time, usually in 6, 10, or 15 minute increments, depending on the client. When a client sends emails, texts, and makes calls, and discusses 1 issue at a time, it can be very distracting from the flow of work. If you had 3 questions and sent three separate emails, I would bill you for each one separately (and each would be billed for individually - meaning if your counsel bills in 10 minute increments, 3 separate emails would be 30 minutes of billing), whereas if you had 3 questions and sent them all at once, it may still be only 10 minutes of billing (or however long it took to read and respond - but definitely not more than the 3 individual questions). I tell you this not as a "woe is me" type post, but to let you know why most attorneys bill for all communication because otherwise we would answer emails all day and accomplish little else.

So - my advice on the billing is this:

Write down your questions as they come, unless they are absolutely urgent and need to be discussed that day. Keep that list for a week or two and review them/consolidate them. Once you have a few questions for your counsel, send the email/make the call/whatever all at once. It will likely save you some money in the long run.

TISL- that is some very good advice. I kind of wish it could be stickied somewhere around here or something.

Highly appreciated.

Glad to hear from you again and that you're feeling a tad better.

Yes, this is a terrible situation and it's going to take time, money and effort to resolve. But now you know you're on the right path to move forward and regain your life.

When you said you paid your attorney that much money, I thought you meant you paid upfront for him to file the initial paperwork, etc. and that he was sitting and doing nothing. Yes, those billable moments add up quickly and he should have explained all of that to you in the beginning and he should have counseled you not to continue chipping away at it. But that's in the past and maybe that's how you needed it to be at that time.

I hope you're enjoying your job and that you make new friends there. And that the new sources of mental challenges give you some confidence back.

In the meantime, do check into food stamps, Medicaid, etc. Get any assistance that might be available where you live. Ask your church for help.

And have you filed for child support? In many places, you don't need an attorney for that, you can do it via your local Children's services agency.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll get there.

Perhaps you've explained but how can you own a home but someone else has a mortgage loan against it? And why would that keep you from selling the homes? That would put whatever equity there is into your pocket to buy a smaller place or just move into an apt. for a year until things get sorted out with the divorce proceedings.

But I'm sure you've considered all those angles and have your reasons. I only mention it in case the comment triggers another possible solution that you haven't thought of yet. I don't pretend to have any of the answers for you - I just have ideas. I toss out the ideas, you have to be the editor of them. :)

I have asked the lawyer if I can request her to pay legal fees but he didn't sound optimistic about that

Thats actually a good sign. An optimistic lawyer is IMHO a bad lawyer.

Further to ThisIsSoLonely excellent advice: Think long and hard before phoning or emailing your attorney. I venture that most of the questions are neither relevant nor need answering.

Maybe ThisIsSoLonely can confirm this but I was once told by several attorneys that they could tell with relative accuracy how a divorce would end, and that most of their work was about non-relevant issues or to sway a few percentages either way.

Regarding wages and income: The court does not base it’s settlement on a single income point or date. If your wife is employable (and she clearly is) they will look at tax returns and recent pay-slips.

Imagine if courts did base spousal support on a 1-3 month period… It would make sense for everyone to negotiate a payless leave for the filing-month.

I may be able to help with at least one of the things you mentioned. If you haven't paid to have the brakes replaced already, it's actually extremely cheap/easy to replace brake pads on a car/truck with disk brakes. Youtube has tons of videos on it. If the rotors are thin or warped, just order new ones from rock auto. It's usually cheaper than getting them machined these days. harbor freight sells a lot of decent cheap tools if you have one where you are.

I know this is a relationship forum, but maintaining my own private fleet of shitboxes with almost no money is something I actually seem to be good at. Plus, it's something to do/focus on to take your mind off the current situation for few hours. Best of luck with everything, this year has broken me too.

Hey everyone. Here's my update-

I paid my mortage and have been working. Thanks to the unexpected generosity of friends and family my head is still (barely) above water. First paycheck comes Jan 1st(not a minute too soon) and I just maybe might be able to afford this.

I want to give a big old shout-out to those who have me great advice. I plan on doing the brakes myself and never calling my lawyer unless ww3 is actively happening.

For this of you divorcing on a budget with a high-conflict spouse- read thisissolonely's advice to me above. It is pure gold and something I would have never learned from ordinary life pre-imfidelity/divorce shit storm.