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When you should be happy but you're not

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DragnHeart posted 11/27/2020 11:10 AM

Im having a pity party today. I shouldn't with all thats going on in the world but...

Its my birthday.

Im not fond of birthdays. Not anymore. Wh used to take me out for dinner and a movie. Couldn't do that now because of covid but he hasnt done it in YEARS so its nothing new. No card either.

I received Facebook happy birthdays from friends i have on the other side of the planet. Friends who would even call to wish me a happy birthday.

My kids....ya they said "oh yeah happy birthday mom" as they ran out the door to the bus. Sheesh!.

So i treated myself to a very long hot shower and was dressed and about to dry my hair when the driveway alarm went off. . .

My parents drove up with a bottle of Baileys irish cream from my brother and they brought a huge basket of fruit, crackers, coffee, sparkling lemonade, cookies... its perfect and totally. What i needed.

All of us wearing masks and keeping our distance, i think they needed the visit as much as i did.

Now to wait for wh to get home so i can go do the regular grocery shopping along with picking myself up a birthday gift. I want a new measuring cup, a blender and a night gown.

Also need to pick up a large christmas tree since the one the kids wanted from Amazon isnt available anymore.

I dont really need a cake but dammit i want one. Is that a bit much for a 40 something year old to ask for?

At least its been a quiet day.

BearlyBreathing posted 11/27/2020 11:20 AM

Happy birthday Dragn!!!!

I think you feel how you feel. You have been struggling with considering your H a roommate or housemate or parenting partner versus your life partner. And this seems like a residual piece of that conflict in your mind. But what I see from my perspective, is a woman who appears to be very loved by her friends and extended family. Kids are kids and by their nature are often selfish.

Our grocery stores sell pieces of cake individually. Get yourself a nice big one put a candle in it and eat it all by yourself because it’s your birthday and no one else in your immediate household took the time.


And happy birthday! 🎈🎊🎂

zebra25 posted 11/27/2020 11:38 AM

Happy Birthday!!! 🎂🌺

UnstuffedGiraffe posted 11/27/2020 12:20 PM

Happy Birthday!

I dont really need a cake but dammit i want one. Is that a bit much for a 40 something year old to ask for?

Our grocery stores sell pieces of cake individually. Get yourself a nice big one put a candle in it and eat it all by yourself because it’s your birthday and no one else in your immediate household took the time.

This is exactly what I did at 44 minus the candle, I ate it in the car alone on my way home from work. I got exactly the kind of cake I wanted.

[This message edited by UnstuffedGiraffe at 12:21 PM, November 27th (Friday)]

DragnHeart posted 11/27/2020 13:55 PM

Im out in the world now and OMG black friday was NOT the day to do my grocery shopping.

That said i was able to find a 7 foot fibre optic christmas tree. The ones the kids and wh had selected off of amazon got sold out before i was able to place my order. The kids were really sad about that but i found one.

Also got projection bulbs that screw into the lights on either side of our garage.

AND the most exciting is PURPLE lights to go around the house. Im a total purple freak and was dancing in the isle when i saw them lol. Made people laugh. Happy birthday to me!

Its still hard to feel Happy due to things mentioned above plus other stuff wecant talk about here but im trying really hard to not let his past actions dictate how i feel today.

Outwardly i can put on a happy face and be happy but that deep down happy isnt there.

Thanks for thr happy birthdays.


Jeaniegirl posted 11/27/2020 13:55 PM

Happy Happy Birthday!

thebighurt posted 11/27/2020 14:31 PM

Happy Birthday Dragn!

WhatsRight posted 11/27/2020 16:43 PM

Happy Birthday girl!!!

40 something? How quaint!

But seriously...have a great one. Damn the folks that don’t make it a big deal...because it is one.

Just pamper yourself with whatever makes you feel good.

You deserve it!!! You young thang!

DragnHeart posted 11/27/2020 17:33 PM

I didnt see any individual slices of cake.

I did buy a few cake mixes and chocolate pudding. Wh said he and the kids will make me a cake tomorrow. He makes four layers with pudding in the middle. Its good.

I was going to buy a McCain cake and eat that but i walked right past that isle in the store. Lol

Why does 40 something feel like the end? I know it's not. But man is this getting older thing depressing me. i have so much of the things i dreamed of. I should be dripping with happiness today.

WhatsRight posted 11/27/2020 18:17 PM

Girl...Be thankful for 40 something… In three years I’ll be 70!

“40 something” is definitely the “glass half full”!

gr8ful posted 11/27/2020 20:49 PM

Why does 40 something feel like the end?

Lol. I’m over 50 and still feel like a kid inside. The body is starting to remind me... not so much a kid. You’re not even 40 - way young with a lifetime ahead of you. So happy birthday Dragn!

leafields posted 11/28/2020 00:05 AM

Happy birthday! Now I'm going to give you a few 2x4's. Your little Dragns feel you are so much a part of their lives that your birthday is a day, but not as important as everything you do for them every day.

I get it. I told my STBXWH that I expected gifts 2 times during the year - My birthday and Christmas. Have you told your family anything similar? You can't expect them to read your mind. It hurts to think you have to be that direct, but sometimes you do need to be that direct.

People may not have the capacity to read your mind, needs, wants, whatever, and you have to tell them.

DragnHeart posted 11/28/2020 07:39 AM

You’re not even 40 - way young with a lifetime ahead of you

Oh im way past 40. Just not willing to say how far i to the 40's i am lol


I told my STBXWH that I expected gifts 2 times during the year - My birthday and Christmas. Have you told your family anything similar? You can't expect them to read your mind. It hurts to think you have to be that direct, but sometimes you do need to be that direct.

People may not have the capacity to read your mind, needs, wants, whatever, and you have to tell them.

No no i did tell them. And its not like they didnt know it was coming. Wh has been "reminding me" daily for a week. He likes to rub it in that im older than him. (By nine years). He could have picked up a card from the corner store on his way home, could have told the kids to make me a card...something. anything. Again its just the lack of effort.

I once missed calling my mom on her birthday, my phone was out of service. My dad showed up that night, drove an hour, to yell at me for disrespecting my mother. It wasnt intentional but he was correct, i could have mailed a card a week earlier.

Wh and dd are getting ready to bake a cake now.

I am heading out to reinforce the horse shelter then put up my purple Christmas lights.


WhatsRight posted 11/28/2020 08:12 AM

Totally agree with leafields...

I have always made a big deal of not needing an actual gift, and not needing anyone to make a fuss over me.

But the fact is, those little fusses that people make over you on your birthday, anniversary, Christmas, whatever… Those are things that can really touch you and make you feel valued.

And, I think I’ve done my kids an injustice by letting them get away with not saving a dollar or two from their allowance to get me a card or a little something for certain occasions. They needed to learn how important it is to “do you want to others“.

Glad to hear they are making you a cake.

Next, you should tell them that for your birthday you were hoping for some beautiful homemade cards and you would like them to get busy and work on them now. It might seem weird, and it might make you sad that you have to ask for it, but if for no other reason, it will help them learn to make those gestures for others.

I might even throw in something like, “Daddy forgot to remind you that Mommy would like something special from you for her birthday. So I will remind you.”

And you should say that with him standing right next to you in the room!!!

(But if you do that, just be totally CERTAIN that you do the same thing for him on his birthday!)

I’m sure you probably already do.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:12 AM, November 28th (Saturday)]

DragnHeart posted 11/28/2020 08:24 AM

Oh i make a huge fuss over everyone elses birthdays. I also make sure they have the gifts they want for Christmas

It is always frustrating that i dont have much to open at Christmas. I know i shouldn't be selfish like that but man just to have something for me would be nice, an acknowledgment that they care even if its something they make.

I think im just tired of feeling that all i am is a maid and cook and have had to fight and yell to get the kdis to do anything. Now they habe gotten better. Dd and ds do dishes, they all make their own school lunches. I hand them their baskets of clean clothes and its up to them to fold and put away.

Sofarsogood posted 11/28/2020 09:02 AM

I also make special meals for family birthdays (their choice). A few years ago, I realized I deserved a whole birthday month to celebrate! During the month of my birthday, I do whatever I want, go where I want to go etc. Because I deserve it, and I know if I wait for someone else to plan anything, it won't happen. I'm worth it and I'm also Kind've smug about it!

little turtle posted 11/28/2020 09:10 AM

Happy belated birthday, Dragn!!!

I don't know how you do it. You accept so little from your husband. I'd be so crushed if my husband didn't get me something for my birthday. Devastated. Currently, I'm hurt that my cousin didn't tag me in a family Thanksgiving post. Maybe I'm just too sensitive.

I'm glad to hear he's making you a cake. That's something! But you truly deserve so much more.

somanyyears posted 11/28/2020 10:02 AM


..just saw this..

Happy Birthday DH..

and I'm sorry to read about how 'taken for granted' you are...especially on your B-Day!

..forgive me but, ..I'm not sure who needs a good kick in the arse, them or you?

How you let others treat you is 'your' responsibility.
You know what I'm saying here. We've both been here for 10 friggin' years.

I'm rooting for you to 'find your happy place'..

Don't wait forever!!

smy

DragnHeart posted 11/28/2020 14:35 PM

and I'm sorry to read about how 'taken for granted' you are...especially on your B-Day!

..forgive me but, ..I'm not sure who needs a good kick in the arse, them or you?

How you let others treat you is 'your' responsibility.
You know what I'm saying here. We've both been here for 10 friggin' years.

No need to say sorry. You are complwtely correct.

But how do you change how others treat you? We cant control others. Do i stop making a fuss over their birthdays? I dont want to become as uncaring as them...

Wh told me to go out and get myself the things i wanted. And i did lol. More than i should have but also things i need. A blender, measuring cup set, thermol underwear pants, and a new bamboo pillow.

He has social anxiety. Hates beibg out in stores, has panic attacks when in crowds. Medication has helped a ton but we dont go out often due to that (before covid that is. Sinxe covid he hasnt been anywhere but work). Sometimes i feel he uses his anxiety as an excuse not to do thibgs he shoukd. Maybe im just to uncaring myslef ehen it comes to his issues.

Owell.

It juat frustrates me that i have pretty much everytbing i ever dreamed of having and should be more than happy. Thej to realize that im still relying on how others value me for my own happiness which is wrong.

number4 posted 11/28/2020 18:18 PM

Hates beibg out in stores, has panic attacks when in crowds. Medication has helped a ton but we dont go out often due to that (before covid that is. Sinxe covid he hasnt been anywhere but work). Sometimes i feel he uses his anxiety as an excuse not to do thibgs he shoukd. Maybe im just to uncaring myslef ehen it comes to his issues.

Ummm... what a better use for the internet! What you need to do it, a month before any occasion (birthday, anniversary, holiday, etc.), make a Pinterest wish list. Then email the link to everyone in your family who has an email address. Tell them you could go out and buy these things for yourself, but you'd really appreciate it if they took care of it, as you like the surprise of not knowing what's in a wrapped package, then opening it. Also, almost every major store has an online gift registry now, and you don't have to be an engaged couple or expectant parents to create a gift registry. Many places will even wrap the present before they ship it, so there's no excuse for no wrapping paper laying around. Really, in the age of COVID, many people are doing their shopping online.

By doing this, you are getting your needs met, as well as respecting his limitations. And no, you are not being uncaring. You are making your wants known.

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