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2 1/2 yr new beginning ended

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Drowninginitall posted 11/17/2020 20:08 PM

Warning.....keyboard vomit ahead. Venting in hurt and anger.
Iím angry at him, heartbroken for myself and my kids, angry at myself and feeling discarded and worthless. Ouch my friends, this hurts.
Why, why, why after this many years together and living together for 7 months were ďweĒ not enough reason to fight, get help and figure out the problem????? As angry as I am at myself, I know itís a him issue and not a me issue. Fucking heartbroken.
So sad to see someone you held in such high regard look you in the eye and say their other issues arenít worth seeking help for to save our relationship. Fthatguy. You wanted this. You knew what and who we were and what safeties and boundaries I kept in place for our relationship.
I have a BROKEN 9yr old who just lost his best friend not even a year after (temporarily) losing access to his dad this year and after me being so, so, so careful about who I would let into our lives. I can only blame myself for that and that kills me friends. It just kills me that these two became so close and had such a great relationship.
Forgiveness will not come easily this time. My heart and mind have nothing but anger, resentment, rage for my kids and emptiness for being treated like Iím disposable. Funny thing is, I donít see him contacting me in concern like he did the other exís in his life after their breakups.

devotedman posted 11/17/2020 20:59 PM

You've been heard.

Don't miss the chance to get your little guy down and explain to him that it isn't him, it is the new ex. He'll probably be wondering what the did wrong to be abandoned by Your ex bf.

JanaGreen posted 11/17/2020 21:08 PM

I am so sorry. Big hugs

GotTheShaft posted 11/18/2020 09:09 AM

Drowninginitall, I'm sorry you are going through this. My 2-1/2 year new beginning ended at the end of August, and I'm dealing with the fallout still. I discovered a couple weeks ago that I'm 99% positive she was cheating or at least "monkey branching" to her next relationship. My DDs (15 & 12) fell in love with her too. Serious relationships after divorce, with kids involved, is hard. And having the relationships fall apart, especially when you were willing to work through any issues to save the relationship, just sucks.

Hugs! You will get through this. I will get through this. Someone better is out there in our futures.

Charity411 posted 11/18/2020 09:40 AM

(((Drowning)))..I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Something to keep in mind is that not everyone wants to work on relationships or themselves. They get into relationships for the things they like about having one, and when they are faced with any sort of uncomfortableness, they bolt. Or they like the idea of change every few years. It's an extremely selfish mindset.

No matter what the situation, it hurts and I'm sorry for you, particularly in a pandemic with the holidays approaching. And I feel so bad for your son.

What ever you do, don't doubt your own self worth based on the rejection of another human being. You are a great mom and have forged ahead in spite of what life had dealt you. You have only to look at your kids to know there is nothing disposable about you.

BearlyBreathing posted 11/18/2020 10:01 AM

(((Hugs)))

Drowninginitall posted 11/18/2020 14:35 PM

Thank you all. Iím devastated. My girls, while sad, are feeling horrible for their little brother and for me. Iím not talking about the breakup but just saying he needed to be elsewhere, near his family to help himself to feel better. Ugh they are asking the hard stuff like ďwhat about thanksgiving and Christmas and are we still going camping, and but we will still see him right?Ē

I had to explain that he will be living too far for us to work on any relationship right now. They walk into rooms and I know theyíre noticing all the signs of him being gone. Empty office and desk where he worked since the spring. The empty garage, just him not being here. He moved most of his stuff out yesterday in under an hour. Came back today to pick up some more things and didnít even look me in the eye when I brought down some things he left in a closet. I just hope he hurts like I do and he realizes he gave up on the best thing in his life because he refused to do anything to help himself and he couldnít see where we were going or where we would be in the future whether he got help or didnít get help. I have the feeling that he was planning for the last month to leave. That makes it even harder. That he mustíve identified his issues within himself, and wasnít talking about them until I pressed for answers about what was going on. It spilled out over a few days, but I asked a few different times if he was sure about him and I and going forward in our relationship whether he has these issues in his life or not. He point-blank said no, I donít even know whatís wrong with myself how can I know what is right for you and I.

Charity411 it does feel completely selfish of him. He had a quick onset of depression sparked by losing a close family member who had been sick a long time. He tends to have manageable anxiety but hasnít been able to sleep in months. Refused sleep meds since heís been dealing with it forever. He refused to seek help for the depression. To hear him say ďI have no drive, I have no motivation, I have no will for anything, I donít want intimacy I want to be alone and isolateĒ and also ď I donít know whatís wrong with me, I donít know how to fix it, I donít know if I want to fix it, I donít know how to change it and I will not get help and they will just tell me to get medsĒ broke me. For him and for me.

I have a feeling that this is the reason for his other relationships ending. He seems to thrive in a relationship and not just dating so I think thatís what he gets comfortable in and maybe henever thereís an issue like this he just walks. Or makes life so uncomfortable for the other person because he doesnít know what heís thinking and feeling until they confront him and then because he doesnít want to deal or fix anything or change anything he just goes. He wouldnít even consider counseling with the two of us to figure out if we are thinking the same way to save us.
He was all about combining our family and living together to work towards something for us. I was so careful and hesitant about letting him meet my children because he knew how important it was to me that anyone I bring into their life will not up and leave. I know I donít have control over what other people do, but I took all the necessary steps and precautions and I gave up a lot in my own home to make him comfortable so that we were living as one unit not just him living with me. I took all the necessary steps to protect our hearts and let it evolve as it naturally does in a healthy relationship. It felt healthy. For both of us. It was like no other feeling I had before with anyone. We were so similar yet so very different, and we had the same values, dreams and goals. There was talk of marriage. There was talk about trips and we were spending time with each others families for so long. My parents welcomed him into their home all summer long like their own son. And treated him like he was already family. I feel like everything around me is so empty and I know the day is coming when itís going to hit me even harder.

He offered help and did so much around here. Willingly. He loved it. He loved having a yard again he loved having kids riding around the driveway, he loved building with them. He insisted I not leave my little part time job (that I desperately need) so that my 9yr old was looked after for 2 1/2 hours one afternoon a week. He held down the home during the summer so that I could bank some hours at work. He asked to. He insisted how easy it was because he was working from home now and because he knew I was stressed about returning to work. In September, I Cut back my hours to only one day a week (the day that my kids were in school) so that he wasnít home trying to work while they were remote learning and trying to figure out the ropes. I was trying to work remotely the other days but my employer wasnít willing. He knew how bad I needed that job. With remote school 3 days, and a younger kid coming home before the older 2, I donít know how Iím supposed to do this. Iím so angry that I ever depended on him for even that.

twicefooled posted 11/18/2020 14:41 PM

((((hugs)))) I'm sorry <3

The1stWife posted 11/19/2020 07:51 AM

Your situation is challenging with the kids and remote learning.

Are there other moms or dads you can lean on for help?

As to your guy, he sounds like a great guy. But if he wonít do anything to help himself then you are better off he left. In the past end you will agree that it seemed inevitable. Being in a happy relationship was just too much for him. And if his instinct is to cut and run then you know heís not in it for the long term. So sorry it ended this way.

Drowninginitall posted 11/19/2020 17:01 PM

Thank you for your words of support and care. I havenít been a big poster. Especially since getting into this relationship. Itís almost like I knew once I wrote anything about how happy I was it would come to an end. I still read here every day. Old habits die hard I guess.
What a sucky time of year for this to happen. And Iím angry that he took the awesome leaf blower he gave me before he even moved in that he got for free. Now I have a huge front lawn that I canít afford to pay someone to take care of. My snowblower is still in the shed and my lawnmower was never put back into the shed. Ugh just mad. Guess we will coordinate him picking up the last of his stuff when he returns my leaf blower

Trapped74 posted 12/12/2020 08:28 AM

Iím so sorry Drowning. Your grief is palpable through my screen. Iím also so sad for your kiddo. Both my parents went through several SOs after their divorce, and it was so hard for me to keep up. You did everything you could do to protect your kids from that, and it really sucks that your BF couldnít step up. So, so sorry.

Drowninginitall posted 12/12/2020 18:41 PM

Thank you Trap. Your experiences when you were young are exactly why I was so careful and picky about who I would date and eventually fall in love with. I didnít want my kids to see us treat a relationship as disposable, and thatís exactly what they saw. They were too young to notice these things when I divorced their dad.
I didnít even get a real explanation of what the actual heck was happening and his thought process. Basically no communication after he moved out unless it was in regards to his stuff left behind. When I asked a few things I got crickets and then blocked. When he emailed about stuff left behind and I told him I was lost about what went down, confused and ďwho the F even are youĒ I got a response of Iím sick of explaining when you already made your mind up about what happened. This is mind blowing.
Iím still struggling every day. The relationship as a whole was, dare I say, perfect. Perfectly normal, no stress, no games, no confusion of where we were going or of where we stood. I couldnít have chosen a better man to show my kids that respect and love and support are normal. Clearly he wasnít the man I thought he showed me he was.

Karmafan posted 12/19/2020 03:01 AM

Drowninginitall, I hear you. I broke up with my 3 1/2 years NB in August as well. Except this time it was my decision. And what I said to him is what your boyfriend said to you: I am going through a rough patch, I need time alone, I need to work on myself and they were all true, but fundamentally, I had gone off him, for a number of reasons, and no longer saw a future with this person. He kept texting me for a while afterwards asking me how my Ďdepressioní was, whether I was working on my issues, but that was because it was less painful for him to think that he wasnít the problem, I was. Sort of what you are doing now. You are both hiding behind his issues. The reality is that you went from living apart to being together 24/7, with a pandemic on top of that. That was a make or break situation, and unfortunately for you, it turned out to be the latter. You need to move on and away from your anger. His issues are no longer your problem. Your own well-being and your childrenís are. Your boy needs you whole and he needs you happy. Make that your priority.
Hugs

Drowninginitall posted 12/19/2020 18:00 PM

Thanks Karma. I know I have to focus on moving on. It sucks that Iím still thinking Iíll get that explanation. Just because I think I more than deserve it after the kind of ghosting I got. I have to accept that Iíll never get it even when I know his other exís got it.

What hurts the most is realizing what you said. That he probably just ďwent offĒ me and no longer saw a future. But just blamed it on his ďdepressionĒ that I know he has no intentions of seeking help for. And I know itís probably all the same l reasons I hesitated when I first met him. He reassured my our kids being at different places in their lives didnít matter and he moved close to us for a year before we moved in together. Iím so angry and feel like he never should have bothered. If he wasnít sure of us after 2 years and all the talks of living together, he shouldnít have. That was a huge step for me and he damn well knew it.

Iím angry that he used his own ďproblemsĒ as a cover to save himself from communicating and having the hard discussion. I feel like this is cowardly and he spared his own feelings and in turn made me feel like the absolute lowest nothing on this earth. For not respecting me enough to explain anything.

[This message edited by Drowninginitall at 6:01 PM, December 19th (Saturday)]

The1stWife posted 12/20/2020 01:51 AM

View him as the coward he is.

josiep posted 12/20/2020 18:35 PM

A real man would have talked to you about his feelings long before he walked out the door; he would have been honest and told you he was struggling.

It's cruel to blindside someone like he did; it's cruel and it's insensitive. No one deserves to have this happen to them.

He is a total and complete jackass and I am so sorry that you ended up having to suffer the effects of his jackassedness.

GotTheShaft posted 12/21/2020 15:05 PM

Drowninginitall,

You've been heard. I went through something very similar in the end of August. My 2-1/2 year relationship ended when my ex-GF called me and broke up over the phone, with little explanation, and didn't want to discuss it. She defriended me on Facebook the following day and has ghosted me ever since the brief breakup phone call. It's torturous.

I've learned that she had most likely been cheating on me with the guy she's with now. That at least explains what probably happened, and why she never wanted to discuss the end of our relationship.

Not sure what happened in your case, but at minimum, your ex boyfriend is a coward who doesn't communicate well, and the way he treated you is cruel and unnecessary. Anyone who knows what we went through in our marriages should know better than to cheat on us or ghost us.

I'm sorry you are hurting. May 2021 be a much happier, healthier year for you.

Drowninginitall posted 12/28/2020 12:02 PM

Yup heís a coward and a jackass. Everything he described to me about his depression type symptoms were al lie. He was dealing with the loss of a family member and having a horrible time with it. He was telling me he no longer had any drive, will, and just wanted to self isolate and maybe needed to be closer to his family as they were struggling with the loss. He never came out and said these issues he was having related to ďusĒ and our relationship and living together. I asked him to leave when he seemed wishy washy about how the things were affecting our relationship and didnít want to seek out help for all the symptoms that described depression and anxiety.
I found him on 2 dating sites. I reactivated my old profiles without pics too see who is around my area on these sites. Iím not ready to date or meet anyone. He is 💔. His pics are ones I took of him and his profile describes all the things we both wanted in a relationship. I guess it was just me he didnít want. Iím sick reading over all the things he used to text me about wanting a life together. I guess I have my answers about how he felt about me if heís out there trying to meet someone new so quickly ass I know from talking to his mom that he has never ďdoneĒ life alone. I now know and accept he has issues, but it f-ing hurts that he was (for a time) everything I ever could have wished for. And he told me I was to him. I feel used, discarded, lied to and played. Mostly disrespected because I never got the respect of an explanation.

Karmafan posted 12/28/2020 15:40 PM

Drowninginitall,

What a monumental jackass! People like him (and my ex) are the reason why I will never ever do OLD again. Because, more often than not, you are sold a Ďdreamí, they even manage to keep up the pretence for a while, and by the time the crap comes to the surface, you are already too invested.

Now heís selling that dream to someone else, and all you can do is feel sorry for his next victim. From where I am looking, you have had a very lucky escape!

And talking of OLD, please please please, take some time out. Donít feel that you have to date just because he is. Itís never a good idea to date when your heart has just been broken. You are just too susceptible to getting hurt again

Drowninginitall posted 12/28/2020 16:05 PM

Thank you Karma. I am definitely not dating. No where near ready. I know from experience that itís too soon because my heart is still angry and broken, hurt and confused.

Iím furious that he couldnít handle life with me when I put up with his issues...but heís out there so quickly looking to do life with anyone else. Bragging about all his fun loving qualities and the things he loves to do. Screw you. We loved the same things and planned them out for our lives.

I know I dodged a bullet. I know it would have been so much worse another year out. Iím hating myself for loving him. And still expecting that explanation or apology that will never come.
Iíd love to call up a male friend I have to be here when he picks up his stuff. Just to hurt him back. But I know he doesnít deserve that much rent free space in my head.

I still dream about him. Heís still the first person I think of when I wake up. My ex husband was such a low life that I never mourned like this once he left the house. This one truly did me in for a long time.

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