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Ever thought of your Ex-spouses

somejaykid posted 10/13/2020 22:15 PM

alright peeps tell me if i'm over thinking this. sometimes i think of how my ex left my *our* family behind to start over with somebody with low value and morals. in my head i think of her enjoying her new freedom while i'm stuck here piecing myself together while raising my two beautiful kids by myself, i sometimes get frustrated the mere thought of her having fun with out having responsibilities to her own children. it sickens me why do i still think of this stuff in my head. for the most part i'm adjusting being alone and being a great parent/dad to my awesome kids anybody else have this thought's in their heads?. how do you guys overcome this hurdle? send me some good vibes or good outcome to this situation because right now i'm having those days aarrgghhhh

Adlham posted 10/13/2020 22:32 PM

I have the very best and only good thing to ever come from my ex- my daughter.

Every time I started feeling like you, as he totally abandoned her, I just repeated that in my head like a mantra.

We have something special that not only will they never have, poor fools don't even know how badly they've lost.

suckstobeme posted 10/14/2020 22:56 PM

For a long time after exWh left, and even sometimes now, I get resentful that he gets to do what he wants, when he wants and has no responsibilities toward the family he helped create. Iím here working in a very stressful career, dealing with two kids doing virtual school, one of whom has learning disabilities, and taking care of cooking, food shopping, laundry and household chores on top of everything else. A part of me will always resent him.

At the same time, my kids are very close to me and we have a bond that they will sadly never have with their other parent. They know all too well who showed up for their childhood and who phoned it in. They understand that mom could have tried to focus on dating and getting remarried but that subjecting them to another blended family and more outsiders wasnít good for them.

They realize that mom is here every day and that dad comes around when he has the time. This will all come back around.

I had a co-worker who told me that his dad cheated and left when my friend was in high school. He saw his dad regularly right after the divorce, but it quickly turned to a situation where the dad moved a few hours away to be with OW and the relationship with my friend sort of waned. My friend, who was in his 30s when he told the story, told me that he loves his dad and always will, but that if his dad needed help he would have to check his schedule first to see if he could go to him. If his mother needed help, he would be on the next plane with no questions asked. Thatís the difference.

Sure, waywards who leave get their freedom, but at what cost? At some point, their kids wonít respect them and will have to cope with the fact that their parent is exceedingly selfish and didnít think twice about ruining their family and stealing their sense of security.

HalfTime2017 posted 10/15/2020 16:56 PM

Somejaykid, you have your kids. That is the best outcome any parent could have. I wish I would have gotten full custody of my kids, and really that is the one lasting issue I have with the exWW. I don't care that she is gone, I've rebuilt and have a great life. I just miss my kids the 50% of the time they are not here, but guess what, you just have to roll with those punches. You have your kids full time. The kids are the most important thing, and you have them all to yourself. You're blessed, whether you see it or not.

apache posted 10/15/2020 17:14 PM

SJKid

You know how you read in the JFO forum how people imagined the sex for their ww/wh, how it must have been the best ever?
Then later they get the actual details and is seldom was as great or fantastic as the mind imagined.

I imagine you're imagining these great times for your ex, and the reality does not match up to what your imagination can conjure.

Now her fantasy world has become reality, with bills, 24/7together, burping, farting, you name it.

Raising kids is tough, but the rewards outweigh the difficulties 10-1. You get the rewards, she's getting slapped with reality.

You win.

twicefooled posted 10/15/2020 18:12 PM

I have been single handedly raising my 2 children entirely on my own, both financially and in every other way. I completely understand your feelings.

I've practiced gratitude for the past few years. I was tired of my anger and resentment and really it was only hurting me. Don't get me wrong, I get really resentful at stressful times. But like the others have said, I also have a very close relationship with both my son and my daughter. They tell me things that they would never tell their dad. They know that I've been here 24/7 for them and even though they can be regular selfish teenagers, they do tell me this every once in a while. And I absolutely melt when they tell me this.

Like today, for example. My son needed dental surgery this morning. He's 17 and over 6ft tall but he still wanted me in the room with him. When he was feeling scared, he reached for my hand and squeezed it till whatever part was over. It warmed my heart to know that THIS is the real experience.

Don't push down those feelings, work through them and take comfort that you have something special with your children.

MakingMyFuture posted 10/16/2020 09:03 AM

My X gave up custody (he offered) and has two ďfun dadĒ weekends with them each month. No cleaning your room. No laundry, no homework, no dr or dental appointments, no practice pick up or drop off. no NOTHING. I made more money than him at the time and he hid what he did make in a
Company so in paper I make significantly more. So although I have them 26 days a month and do all the work, Iím responsible for 85% of the cost as well. But he gets all the fun memories and snappy photos and is such a ďgood dadĒ for always paying his meager child support.

I was only a few years from retirement when we divorced after I supported him building his business for 17 years. He takes trips every other week for fun, drives new cars and buys houses for cash and Iím pulling equity out of my house to support the three of us each month. We have a good life that is luxurious by many peopleís standards and Iím grateful.

But Iím exhausted and pissed that I do all the work, shoulder all the responsibility and cost, and he basically is coasting with no time or financial responsibility in what was supposed to be ďmy turnĒ to step back from work, live off the business I helped him build and have real time with my kids.

Basically is SUCKS SHIT.

But hereís the thing....my kids get their values from me. Without me saying anything to them, they know their dad is a constant liar, my son said he was afraid of turning out like him. I delicately asked ďWhat do you mean by that Because everyone has strengths and weaknesses we can learn fromĒ. His response? ďI donít know, HEíS JUST COLD, thereís nothing there. I donít want to end up cold like himĒ.

I am exhausted, I have less money, my house is a mess, I donít have all the fun memories he has with our kids.

BUT IíM DOING MY JOB. We donít have kids for what they bring to our lives. We have kids to pass something on. To do our best that they make it to adulthood as a full human being with values and a work ethic and self esteem and joy. Will that happen? Who knows. But it sure as shit wouldnít have happened if they spent more time with him.

When the inequity gets on my nerves I imagine heís just a sperm donor. That I had the kids in my own, and somebody gives me a small check to help cover the costs (bonus) and gives me free babysitting every two weeks. It helps.

[This message edited by MakingMyFuture at 8:03 AM, January 26th (Tuesday)]

wildbananas posted 10/16/2020 10:13 AM

You're singing my song here. I have four bananas and they were between 4 and 13 when we broke up. After a few halfhearted years, ex-asshat pretty much left me holding the bag 100%. No visitation, no CS, no interaction with the kids other than a rare "OMG HI I MISS YOU SO MUCH, LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUT MY LIFE!" text. rolleyes

My youngest is almost 18 and whew, the last several years with them have been HARD. I've so resented ex-asshat - he got off scot-free while I'm doing EVERYTHING alone (and I do mean alone - my family is all gone; his wrote me off when we broke up).

But as much as I grouse, I know that while he has it easier, he doesn't have it better. He's missed out on four of the most awesome people I know and it's really his loss.

Justsomeguy posted 10/17/2020 10:53 AM

Just over a year after we S, I found out my STBXWW was in Costa Rica for a vacation. Money was tight for me and I was skipping meals when I took the kids out for a burger. I would always lie and say I had already eaten it wasn't hungry. I lived and died on my budget spreadsheet, sometimes having a couple bucks left over at the end of the month, sometimes in the red. I looked at my pathetic situation and felt pretty down. Hell, I didnt even have a bedroom of my own. My bed was tucked into the corner if the eating area off the kitchen.

I felt this wasn't fair. Why was she travelling while I had to scrape loose change together to make ends meet. Well, now I have grown and learned. I'm another year older and we are over 2 years S. I now know my STBXWW is depressed, spends a lot of time in bed, is overwhelmed with the complications of bring a single parent, struggle with the kids and can't wait for Sunday when she sends them to me, blames men for her situation, and is generally miserable.

I, on the other hand, have spent the last 4 years working on me. IC, reading, journaling, talking to friends and family, processing, and learning, all to heal and grow. I can't afford fancy vacations, but I can afford a car trip now and again. I keep my kids fed and clothed (Thank God for thrift stores) and am slowly, methodically moving towards being healed. I'm healthy and very fit, I take time for myself every day, and I have friends.

When I was jealous of my STBXWW going to Costa Rica, I was focused on what I didnt have, probably never would again. It was all based on my assumption that she hd gotten away with destroying everyone and was now living the exciting life we all wish we had. It was all false. My mundane life, plodding forward at my painfully slow pace, was the truly rewarding one. I was healing and surviving, on the verge if starting to thrive. It was authentic.

I can be content anywhere. I dont need Costa Rica or the French Rivera. I'm good with a lawn chair, good book, and a cooler filled with beer. Paradise is what you make, not what you find.

The1stWife posted 10/18/2020 05:50 AM

Paradise is what you make, not what you find.

Love this!!!!!

While it is hurtful to your children to be excluded from an Xís life, sometimes it is for the best.

Thissucks5678 posted 10/18/2020 17:09 PM

My ex husband hasnít spent more than 10-15 days a year with our oldest since she got a car and was able to leave, so almost 3 years now. Even before that he was an every other weekend kind of guy, unless he was busy. I used to be jealous because he had so much freedom, rarely paid me the bare minimum he owed me, went on fancy trips all of the time, etc. Sheís in college now at a great school, at home because of the pandemic and she adores me despite my numerous flaws and sees him for exactly who he is.

We have a bond that I canít imagine he will ever be able to replicate. Itís easy to feel jealous and I totally get it, but in the end I promise the struggles are worth it.

MNDad posted 10/30/2020 09:46 AM

I think about this from time to time. But, I then come back to the idea that you can't make people value things. That includes marriage and children. My ex stopped valuing those things a long time ago, and there's nothing that will change that. She's poorer for it, and when our kids get of age and they slowly phase her out of their lives and their future children's lives, she'll figure out. Or she won't. That's not something I can really control and I guess I just try not to dwell on it.

barcher144 posted 10/30/2020 10:29 AM

I try not to give my STBXW any more head space than she deserves.

I generally don't think about her and her bullshit, unless I have been dealing with divorce stuff (almost over, thankfully). I just don't see how someone else lying, gaslighting, and emotionally abusing me says anything meaningful about me and who I am.

I will think about STBXW when I get triggered by something in the present tense because that's useful for my own personal growth. There is not denying that I have absorbed a lot of emotional abuse and I have absorbed a lot of damage.

But beyond that, I just don't find anything that she did as being meaningful about who I am and who I want to be.

Do I regret believing her lies? Yes and no. I should, in theory, believe my spouse, yes? At the same time, at what point should I have set a boundary?

One thing that stands out to me is that I am far more judgmental of people early in our relationship compared to before. I watch actions (which don't lie) compared to listening someone's words. I am far more likely to go the other direction when I see someone doing something wrong, not matter how passionate they are about why they did it with their words.

99problems posted 10/31/2020 21:24 PM

Yeah, I would kill to get full custody, as many have expressed above.
It isn't all fun and games raising the kids, I get that. But the final result is that you get a real relationship with them, while she gets squat.
In the short term it's hard. In the long term it will be much more difficult for her.
And the "fun" she's having now will be so short-lived and meaningless compared to what you get. I really mean that.

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