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I feel like what my ex did, is affecting my new relations

Virgo911 posted 9/18/2020 19:32 PM

I donít know, but maybe Itís too soon to be dating.

So, hereís my story. My divorce is almost final. Itís been exactly a year when I found out my WW cheated on me. We separated immediately, and I filed for divorce, as soon as the six months waiting period was over. The divorce is almost final, It was delayed, due to COVID, and things being backed up in court. Anyway, I met somebody this past June, the end of June to be exact. Things are going incredibly well. This person is exact opposite of my WW. Sheís extremely transparent, and we discuss everything. She has told me that she has stopped casual dating since she met me, because she wants to be with me, and only me. Hereís my thing. Can someone actually still be friends with their exes, and it be innocent? I guess because of what I went through, I am struggling with the fact that she remains friends, with her exes, and communicates with them. Sometimes, I get very insecure, and paranoid, when I see her texting, and assume that she is still seeing someone else, or still dealing with her exes. Like I said, she has been nothing more than transparent, and honest, and we spend all of our free time together. We have even planned a few trips next few months. Is it me, Am I not giving this person a chance, because of what my ex did? Is it possible that she has been completely honest with me, and everything sheís doing is innocent, or are there potential red flags here? I donít want to blow this, because she is an amazing person. Itís just that I have a very unsettling feeling in my gut, and I hate for the reason to be that Iím holding past transgressions of my ex, against her

WhoTheBleep posted 9/18/2020 20:56 PM

How is she "transparent"? Because she says so?

I don't know. I'm not "friends" with any of my exes. How does that work exactly? Does she meet up with them for coffee? Do you guys all go out to dinner together? If it's just texting every once in awhile, is it really necessary for them to be in her life? And you say exes, as in multiple...yeah, as a BS, I have a problem with that. Just my opinion.

99problems posted 9/18/2020 21:25 PM

I actually managed to be friends with two of my exes and never had a problem. I will say that I wasn't close friends with them. That could have easily been problematic. Just like once a year gathering sighting friends. But no boundary was ever crossed with either of them.

[This message edited by Idiotmcstupid at 9:26 PM, September 18th, 2020 (Friday)]

Adlham posted 9/18/2020 21:51 PM

I'm friends with a few of my exes, too.

I suppose the caveat would be that one I've known all my life, the other 3 are from my late teens/early 20's and had been friends prior.

I'm also not at friends with the others.

We keep in very casual touch, like once every 3 to 5 years and really, if only something catastrophic happens to a mutual friend because, you know, rural America!

I don't think it's necessarily weird. But I do think it would be a good idea to talk about it.

Its a tough discussion, but can also be helpful just for you to sort through it out loud to her.

I really put my husband through the hoops because of my shitty ex. But talking it through to him helped me get things into perspective.

million pieces posted 9/19/2020 07:10 AM

Like a few here Iím friends with several exes, but mostly they are from my high school years. I was friends with them before and after. I still donít see them often or text them often, usually only when theyíre in town visiting their parents. I do have to text my ex-husband regarding the kids but Iím definitely not friends with him.

I definitely had a problem with my current parters relationship with his wife, but not because they were friends but because he was mr nice guy and she was still asking him to do shit for her all the time.

DevastatedDee posted 9/19/2020 10:59 AM

I'm friends with my 1st husband. He's the only ex I'm friends with and he and I broke up 15 years ago. We text every few days and I've given him dating tips at times. We hug when we see one another. That is something I'd explain and talk about to anyone I'm dating because I understand how that could appear worrisome to someone new. If you're talking about plural exes and talking a lot, that would be odd to me too. Is this just a friend group where some dating went on at various points? I guess I'd need more info to judge how I'd feel about it.

The1stWife posted 9/19/2020 16:52 PM

If you are not comfortable with it ó thatís ok. You have to figure out what is right for you. And what you want/need in a relationship.

For some people itís ok to be friends with an ex. Me? Not so much unless you have kids together. Thatís a different story. Children and parenting come first.

BentandBroken posted 9/21/2020 11:43 AM

It's the texting thing that caught my attention. When I'm spending time with someone and need to answer a text, I typically tell the person I'm with (even if it's my mom or a friend) who I'm texting and why. Because it's kinda rude to carry on a secret side conversation in the presence of someone else. Maybe that's just me, though.

Yeah, I'm not liking the texting. That would be a perfect opportunity to demonstrate the transparency you're claiming she has.

EllieKMAS posted 9/21/2020 11:47 AM

Itís just that I have a very unsettling feeling in my gut
I know for me, my gut has never lied to me. Usually if my gut is calling bullshit, it's because there's some bullshit afoot. Just mho.

blahblahblahe posted 9/21/2020 11:51 AM

Reagan said it best, "trust but verify".

It does not mean go looking down every proverbial rabbit hole, however, it does mean not blindly believing something that is causing your bullshit detector to alert.

tushnurse posted 9/21/2020 11:56 AM

Itís just that I have a very unsettling feeling in my gut

I know for me, my gut has never lied to me. Usually if my gut is calling bullshit, it's because there's some bullshit afoot. Just mho.

I think the thing to evaluate here is what have you done to help you heal yourself?
Do you feel a need to be with someone rather than alone?
Do you have a fear of asking for more reassuarance or a way to minimize contact for the time being to see if this relationship is worth investing more time and energy into?

OR
Are you just not ready? It takes 2-5 years to heal from this stuff. That doesn't mean if you R. It means personally it takes 2-5 years. It is a hell of a trauma. It is the ultimate betrayal. It's ok to step away and take more time to heal your own heart, and learn to speak up when you see/feel something that isn't right. The new partner will agree or they won't, but you will be strong and assured enough in yourself that you can calmly make the best choice for you.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 9/21/2020 15:57 PM

Can someone actually still be friends with their exes, and it be innocent?

To answer your question: Yes. I am. We were together for almost 10 years (and this was 15 years ago now), and I called off our wedding because something wasn't right. Yet even though that we remained friends, although it was pretty distant in the beginning. He is still one of my best friends - and he is friends and does things with my group of friends I've had since I was a kid. He never married but he has dated but we don't talk about relationship type things on either end. It's an unspoken no-go zone - neither one of us ever has.

My WH and I have vacationed with him, and he has even stayed at our house. There is nothing - like 0% - inappropriate between us. Not a word. Not any inappropriate flirting. Nothing. We still own investment property together and I still talk to him about important decisions (not relationship - but work, my aging parents, etc).

So yes, it is possible. Granted, some people think it's "weird" like we are supposed to hate each other after ending things. We don't - and I'm glad. Funny thing is, my ex will still be in my life, and my WH will have come and gone during that time. Never happier about him remaining in my circle of friends.

As to this:

It's the texting thing that caught my attention. When I'm spending time with someone and need to answer a text, I typically tell the person I'm with (even if it's my mom or a friend) who I'm texting and why. Because it's kinda rude to carry on a secret side conversation in the presence of someone else. Maybe that's just me, though.

One of my best friends does this ALL the time - nothing nefarious - but she does. So does my sister. Drives me CRAZY. So, even if everything is on the up and up, would this behavior be a problem in the future? It would for me (and I'm a hypocrite as I know I've done it before myself).

All that being said, as much as I would like to say otherwise, my gut has been really really really wrong before, and I know that post-infidelity, especially in that first year or so, it went off all the time about all kinds of things, many not related to the A or my WH. I had to stop listening to it so much as I was: a) paranoid, and b) it was making me miserable. Verification is fine - just don't turn it into a second job, as that kind of shit will drive you crazy (at least it did me).

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 4:14 PM, September 21st (Monday)]

LadyG posted 9/21/2020 19:28 PM

Going forward as a BS, I would not be comfortable with it.

My STBXWH discussed all very private and personal aspects of our marriage with exAP and wanted to remain friends with exAP during our fake reconciliation attempts. We are divorcing.

I donít like my Private life being discussed. I think itís disrespectful if she were discussing you with any exes.

I donít know how old you are but in this era of social media, people tend to collect ďFRIENDSĒ

HappyTree posted 9/23/2020 08:21 AM

I'm friends with many of my exes. We ended on good terms but just knew it wouldn't work out. My ex husband treats me like such garbage but all my ex boyfriends are still very friendly with me (we give each other dating advice all the time).

I think it just shows that she can be civil with her exes and that if you guys don't work out, she will still be kind to you. If you feel insecure, ask her why these relationships did not work out. Many times we find that someone is a great person, but a terrible boyfriend!

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