I think I've moved from limbo to reconciliation with my husband.
We've been at this a long time.
14 years ago, DDay1 happened. He was sober for about 3 years, and then started slipping marching towards a relapse. Which he lied to me about.
We had a completely separate DDay2 4 years ago.
He says he's been sober since.
My husband's mo is fantasy and compulsive masturbation. So, no escalating to physical cheating. But, personally, that doesn't make me feel much better, and he's still an addict.
After DDqy1, dh saw a CSAT but didn't do the 12 step thing. The changes in him were really remarkable. But, it was the stuff I couldn't see that was the problem. He couldn't ask for help. He still had quite a bit of shame. Eventually, that was his undoing.
I think he's really in recovery now, after DDay2. He finally accepted his an addict in the pit of his stomach, and he is relating to me that he's comfortable for reaching out. He goes to 12-step meetings, but floundered on the steps. Some of it is on him (he was stuck on the amends step a year before the pandemic). Some of it is the pandemic. For a year, we worked at home, while overseeing 3 school aged kids with virtual school, and a 3 year old under foot. Our three year old has decided that sleep is optional, and he's been doing the lions work of getting up at night. 2021 has been hellish. My dad died at the beginning of the year, and I was diagnosed with breast cancer (nice bit of irony there..)in April. So, I am trying to give him grace on the steps, because our life is a shit show right now.
Ultimately, it's the lies between DDay1 and DDay2 that did it for me. I think now I'm willing to take the wall down. I did too much too soon (we had good connecting sex AND we even had lunch out together on a date and I was looking forward to it). We need to MC, but I'm not ready for that. I don't know if I ever will be. Those are the terms of staying in a marriage with me. If he doesn't like it, he's free to say so, and we'll figure something out.
So, I have to better pace myself for next time. It's a learning process. But, I am looking forward to doing something for our 20th anniversary later this year. It's been a long time since I looked forward to doing something with my husband. Progress is good.
The next Dday, we'll stay married, only because divorce is too expensive. Alimony+ child support for three kids will take at least a third of my net income. Plus, we're getting too close to retirement for me to be able to make up those losses. And he'll need my health insurance. But, I've made it clear we live parallel lives except for when it come to the kids. He also knows he's welcome to rent an apartment and get whatever needs he has taken care of on his time. Just don't tell me.
There's another poster on here, Lionne, that has chosen to remain with her husband.
There's no perfect solution to figure all of this out. If I had been given an accurate crystal ball 14 years ago, the best course of action would have been divorce. I only had two kids and we were married less than 10 years. Any alimony would have been short lived. We could have afforded two households easier. The only negative is that I'd be dealing with my cancer and death of my dad without a partner, but I wouldn't have been alone. Plenty of support outside of my marriage.
Marriage is how you define it. It's easier for me to stay, because I married for more than love. We are on the same page when it comes to finances, parenting style, religion, and other biggies I can't think of right now. We literally don't fight, outside of his addiction, because there is nothing to fight about. So, we have quite a good partnership even if I'm not "in love" with him. I'm also not interested in pursuing another relationship, so divorce is not a need in that respect.
[This message edited by secondtime at 6:12 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday)]