You cover a lot of ground here. I'm sorry for your pain.
my dealbreakers included absolute honesty at all times, no porn and no inappropriate contact with women,
I want to say this gently, and in support of you.
He violated a dealbreaker that you had regarding honesty. That's pretty traumatic. Allow yourself to experience the pain and disappointment. Process it. If it was a boundary for you, what was your stated consequence? Have you followed through on it?
It sounds like your SAWH has masturbation as a yellow circle behavior, and so anything that leads to that is inappropriate. It doesn't matter if it's porn or watching women play beach volleyball. It's all objectification of women, and that's what the Tik Tok video was. He viewed the women as sexual objects. In my book, that's inappropriate contact with women, just as much as if he'd flirted with a waitress. He needs to redo his circles, and share them with his CSAT and you, to ensure that these other triggers are included so he can be on guard for them next time. (does he have monitoring software on his electronics that he is held accountable to by his sponsor, something like Covenant Eyes?)
Next, I would want my husband and his CSAT to figure out what he was trying to escape from through the masturbation, and ask him to identify healthier coping mechanisms he could have used in each case. In general, how many green circle behaviors is he engaging in? Is it enough?
It's interesting that I have a different takeaway of Carnes' philosophy. In his book Facing the Shadows, he writes that SAs must join a 12 step program that caters to SAs. But in any event, it sounds like you reached that conclusion on your own.
My SAWH also has multiple addictions and we are in agreement that he must attend at least several SA meetings a week. (He also does a men's group hosted by his CSAT, but I think that's different.)
I'm glad your H has an SA sponsor. My husband has struggled to find someone, and that concerns me. I don't see how a SA could be completely open and vulnerable with an AA or NA sponsor. I think sexual addiction is just so different, and there is so much shame, that they have to be able to talk to someone who has walked in those shoes.
You are wise to look at the secrecy as a big red flag.
Are you seeing a betrayal trauma therapist? What does she suggest? Did you have full therapeutic disclosure with polygraph previously? If it were me, I would ask my spouse for another polygraph to ensure I knew all of the acting out to date, and to sort of reset things. He has told you about five incidents, but given his dishonesty, I wouldn't be able to accept his admission without proof.
I'm not sure what your sponsor means by trust the intent. We can't know someone else's thoughts so can't know their intent. (I've heard it said, 'Assume good intent.)
But I don't think that SAs set out to traumatize their spouses. I don't think they wake up one morning and say, 'This is a good day to act out.' or "Gee, I think I'll lie to my wife." So by that standard, we can always trust the intent.
The question is whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who continues to objectify other women and not be honest with you. Only you can decide if you can detach with love and not let his acting out derail you. I hope you're attending meetings for spouses of Sex Addicts. You'll find a lot of support and wisdom there.
I hope this makes some sense. It's progress not perfection, but only you can decide if it's enough progress for you to feel safe, and/or what you need to do to feel safe for now while he sorts it out.
[This message edited by BlackRaven at 4:32 PM, July 21st (Wednesday)]