Newest Member: zurichtime

I Can Relate :
Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 21

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stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 2:59 AM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

secondtime, I am so sorry. I hope you heal quickly. I hate that you are dealing with this devastation on top of trying to heal physically. I wish you peace and rest and healing. I wish it were easier to just turn off our feelings when we need to. Hang in there.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 814   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8690390
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 6:10 AM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

SecondTime,

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. Sex addiction is an illness of emotional intimacy carried out by people who lack empathy. He can't show up for you because he can't deal with his shame. That doesn't make it OK. Just know it's not about you.

Do you have support outside of your husband - not just for your health but also for your emotions?
You can lay in bed and do a SALifeline meeting by zoom. Some of us do that. We keep the video off. We talk, we cry, we rage, and we recover from the pain. We find validation there, women who understand the pain, and will hold space one another while we share our authentic feelings. It is cathartic.

BR

posts: 288   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8690992
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delilah2016 ( member #56481) posted at 1:32 AM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

So this school year I’m working at the high school after working many years in an elementary building. Today I was talking to one of the counselors about kids and social media… the conversation easily moved to everything these kids have access to on their phones. The counselor starts telling me about how porn ruins marriages and men choose porn over their wives…. Part of me trusted him and almost told my deepest darkest secret. I’m pretty new there though so I kept my secret. The other part of me tried to look shocked and kept a poker face since my life has been devastated by my husbands choice of porn over me for the last 34+ years.

Good news though, I have done enough work over the last almost 6 years, that I wasn’t triggered, just so sad. I wish this information had been readily available 35 years ago. Maybe just maybe my life would have been different.

BW - Late 50's
SAWH -addicted to porn since his early teens - Late 50's
Married 30+ years
Adult children
DD #1 Jan 1995 - EA with co worker
DD #2 Nov 2015 - PA with 26 yr old stripper, confirmed LT EA with neighbor
DD #3 May 2021 Online EA

posts: 243   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2016
id 8691641
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 5:41 PM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

I get where porn can mess a person up, but I don't think the problem we've all encountered is because porn exists. People all over the world watch porn and don't do this sex addict stuff. This particular problem has to do with who they are. Alcohol exists and not everyone gets drunk and beats his wife. We're not all taking things that we enjoy and using them to destroy everyone around us. There's something deeper with a serial cheater or sex addict. Porn doesn't explain it. There were serial cheaters/sex addicts long before the internet.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4534   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8691732
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delilah2016 ( member #56481) posted at 11:42 AM on Wednesday, October 6th, 2021

While I understand that my sawh’s unavailable parents, his childhood sexual abuse and early introductions to porn back in the early 70’s well before the internet are the reasons it became his drug of choice to escape, I doubt you can find anyone married an addict whether it’s alcohol, drugs, porn or anything else that will find value in their partners drug of choice. In my case porn.

My post was intended to be more about my journey and I doubt that I will ever be able to argue that porn didn’t cause me immense pain for the last 35 years. And the first 30ish years I didn’t know what was causing my problems and pain.

I also think that porn being available on the internet to these younger and younger kids will never be a good thing. I am working in a school where 50% of the student body was home for the last 18 months isolated with their computers and smart phones. I pray that they were not looking for an escape. I see all of the overly anxious teens walking around and I wonder.

Anyway, I am proud of myself for holding my own in what was a difficult situation for me.

BW - Late 50's
SAWH -addicted to porn since his early teens - Late 50's
Married 30+ years
Adult children
DD #1 Jan 1995 - EA with co worker
DD #2 Nov 2015 - PA with 26 yr old stripper, confirmed LT EA with neighbor
DD #3 May 2021 Online EA

posts: 243   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2016
id 8691796
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 8:53 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

I haven't posted here in a really long time but I wanted to share something that helped me connect some dots. I'm fairly removed from the relationship with my XSA but I remained a confused on a few things. Addiction is way out of my wheelhouse. The other night I watched a documentary, "Jacinta," on HULU, that answered the few unanswered question that I've struggled with. It's about drug addiction, but the glimpse inside the mind of an addict was super helpful.

It might be triggering for folks who've dealt with drug addition FYI.

Hope everyone is finding peace and healing.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1167   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8693007
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 5:54 AM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Delilah2016

I agree with you that porn use among teens is increasing and its really scary. I heard from one woman whose kid goes to school in California that at her son's school, there are students who walk down the hall openly watching it on their phones. And I have a friend married to a SA whose teen son is now in treatment for porn addiction.

As curious as it was that the counselor brought it up with you, I actually view it as a good thing that they're aware of it. My daughter was the only female in one of her classes in high schools and the boys downloaded porn onto her school laptop one day while she was out of the room. The school administration kept arguing it couldn't have happened because the school has a firewall. The boys just used a proxy server to get behind it. It wasn't until we showed them the actual pictures on the laptop that they believed it happened, but they didn't really do anything to the boys other than leave a voicemail on their parents' phone.

I think it has a lot to do with smartphones and so it's always available and easy to hide from parents. And because of the internet, a lot of amateur stuff is available for free. Sadly, those teens will grow up and someone will get into a relationship with them and end up betrayed. It's sort of a helpless feeling.

Skeeter

Thanks for the tip on the show.

posts: 288   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8693089
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MyHeart101 ( new member #75632) posted at 2:50 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

Hello, I've been gone from SI for several months. I know my husband has an account with Plenty of Fish. His newest profile name is jrm865. Is there anyone that has a Plenty of Fish account and willing to look him up? Send me a screenshot of his full profile?

Thank you. A couple of months ago I learned he was on 5 dating websites but he created a new account with a new profile and phone number with POF. I'm really not at liberty to give any other explanation than I need it and I cant run a search. Can anyone help?

I will send you my cell # to send me a screenshot.

MyHeart101

5 Significant Ddays and tons of of others

posts: 47   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020   ·   location: East TN
id 8693257
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MyHeart101 ( new member #75632) posted at 2:51 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

Hello, I've been gone from SI for several months. I know my husband has an account with Plenty of Fish. His newest profile name is jrm865. Is there anyone that has a Plenty of Fish account and willing to look him up? Send me a screenshot of his full profile?

Thank you. A couple of months ago I learned he was on 5 dating websites but he created a new account with a new profile and phone number with POF. I'm really not at liberty to give any other explanation than I need it and I cant run a search. Can anyone help?

I will send you my cell # to send me a screenshot.

MyHeart101

5 Significant Ddays and tons of of others

posts: 47   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020   ·   location: East TN
id 8693258
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 8:52 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

MyHeart101

You might try posting in the 'investigative tips" forum. But I'm going to overstep and ask what you're looking for?
You say you already know he's on dating sites. He's not working a recovery. That doesn't make him a bad person, just a very sick person.

Perhaps it's time for you to start working your recovery from betrayal trauma. Once you're on that path, you'll either be able to stay with him and have the strength to detach from his addictions, or you'll decide that the marriage isn't working for you. Either way, you'll find more peace and serenity than you have now. I know it seems impossible now when you're in such trauma, but trust me, it is possible. Please, join a 12-step group like SA-Anon or SALifeline, and find yourself a therapist who deals with betrayal trauma.

You didn't cause your husband's addictions, you can't control them and you can't cure it. So please, please take care of yourself.

posts: 288   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8693279
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MyHeart101 ( new member #75632) posted at 1:08 PM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

Blackraven,

I've been gone so long that I forgot there is an investigative section. Thank you for the reminder.

I have already left him as of 9/3. The dating websites did it in for me. We were "supposedly" in the process of another of our several reconciliations since July 11. But on my deceased, forever 26 year old son's birthday, 8/19 I discovered the 5 dating websites he had joined 7/1- while separated, and that he had unpaused one of them 8/12.

We had agreed on the marital dissolution and I paid for an agreed divorce. However, i also filed for an Order of Protection due to sodomy, harassment, and stalking. He was served on the OOP before he received the divorce papers in the mail to sign. He refused to sign the "agreed" divorce after he was served on the OOP because I refused his offer to sign the divorce papers in exchange of downgrading the OOP to a restraining order. Since I refused his offer, which I would have gotten nothing but the divorce, he filed for a divorce and accused ME of marital misconduct. A girlfriend that is on POF found him on there and sent me a screenshot of his profile pic from the "possible matches". I am only trying to save myself some money by getting his full profile as proof of his current marital misconduct.

MyHeart101

5 Significant Ddays and tons of of others

posts: 47   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020   ·   location: East TN
id 8693294
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Lionne ( member #25560) posted at 7:03 PM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

The diagnosis of sex addiction is useless in many cases. It does not allow a medical professional to bill insurance as it's not a "real" illness according to the DSM. Don't get me started on that entity.

Alcoholics, drug addicts, etc., self diagnose and get themselves to 12 step meetings or seek other treatment. SAs do the same. Unless they themselves admit it, there is no chance of recovery.

I don't believe any court will recognize SA as a thing that can affect the outcome of a divorce or other legal action. Man, I have even heard of people who were PROVED to participate in unsavory sex practices, who were caught masturbating to porn with young children nearby, who weren't even penalized by reduced or supervised child visitation judgments.

A sex addiction diagnosis can help direct a recovery effort, but there is little additional benefit IMHO.

Me-BS-65 in May<BR />HIM-SAFWH-68<BR />I just wanted a normal life.<BR />Normal trauma would have been appreciated.

posts: 8403   ·   registered: Sep. 18th, 2009   ·   location: In my head
id 8693476
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secondtime ( member #58162) posted at 8:26 PM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

Thanks all.

I have a therapist for the emotional support. My friends and coworkers don't know about DH, but they are a huge source of support for me, without them knowing it.


We've landed alright for now.

posts: 1039   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2017
id 8693490
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