5 Significant Ddays and tons of of others
Husband is a Porn Addict (PA)
I recently made my first post similar to this one in the Spouses of Sex Addicts Forum but I didn't list it as a topic as i didn't know how to at the time. I’ve been reading and learning from you all for a bit now.
(Big Sigh)...Here it goes...My WH and I met when he contacted me online through a Meetup motorcycle riding group in August 2014 to go bike riding. I had been divorced for 7 years and was at a point that I wanted to settle down again. I lived in East TN and he lived in VA. He had seen my picture online but I had never seen his. We met on a blind date at a motorcycle dealership when he came into town on a business trip. At his suggestion, and I consented, we had a ONS. He invited me to stay the week with him in his hotel room but I declined. I met with him another evening that week but we didn't have sex. He continued to come down from VA every weekend for the next few weeks and we talked on the phone everyday. Things seemed to be going great and getting serious...and then I got a call from his wife. I felt ashamed, guilty, and bad for her and immediately broke it off with him. He had told me how bad his marriage was, and how he he had already wanted to divorce her, and blah, blah, blah. A few days later I decided to give it a go and I stupidly bought what he had to sell.
Less than 2 months later I left my apartment, my job, ALL of my family and friends and drove over 500 miles across the country with a car load of belongings to move in with him. I went from an active social life to not knowing anyone and depending on him for everything. Fast forward 2 years and we were engaged.
About my husband...a SA and PA. During our 6 1/2 yrs together, I have discovered great lengths of time on 4 different occasions that he’s viewed online porn. He's messaged women online, talked privately online to female friends, and secretly went to a female friend's house and asked her to keep it quiet. This is the 1st time we will be getting counseling for his porn addiction. I previously (somewhat) trusted him and we just swept things under the rug when things got better.
I've also learned he has a history of cheating in previous relationships, besides cheating on his previous wife with me. Yes, shamefully, I’m a HW. He deceived me when we met and pretended to be single. However, I take responsibility for staying with him after I learned the truth. At one time before our engagement, I left him for a week because of the guilt I felt and the red flags I was seeing.
I know some people will disagree, but IMHO viewing porn is akin to cheating. Actually, I feel that anything a spouse feels the need to hide from the other is cheating. Texts, emails, messages, phone calls, private conversations, online activity, and a physical affair. If the spouse is doing something they wouldn't do in front of you then they are cheating IMO.
WH becomes immature and exceedingly angry and mean when things don't go his way. His attitude and behavior can flip like a light switch. Any and all disagreements involve his sexual needs. During our heated argument after he came home drunk from his 1 and only IC, who is only a LMFT and not a CSAT, he tried to "explain" why he has done what he has and how it's my fault. One statement was "We have great sex when we have it. Do you honestly think I would risk losing that? I would never be able to find that again". And when I had calmly confronted him 3 weeks previously, his calm, unremorseful apology consisted of "I'm sorry I'm not the husband you want me to be".
At my suggestion, he downloaded an online activity monitoring app, Covenant Eyes, on his cell phone. HOWEVER, this last time I found the porn on his WORK cell phone when I figured out the password. He’s since had to change his password and hasn’t given the new one to me.
I told him he needs IC with a CSAT before we go to MC and that I will seek counseling for Betrayal Trauma. Instead, he’s gone to 1 IC session with a LFMT and came back drunk and we had a heated argument about all of the things that I've done to cause him to view porn. He hasn’t made another appointment. He scheduled our 1st MC session for Sat 10/10 even though I told him he needs to work on himself before we can work on us.
I’m apprehensive about the counseling in general because I fear he’s not being honest with the therapist and I don’t know if we are ready for MC. I really think he needs to see a CSAT and maybe our MC should also have experience in SAT. I have so much anxiety right now because I feel our MC session tomorrow will be a total waste of time and energy because it's too soon for MC and it's probably a waste to see a LMFT that doesn't have experience in these issues. Idk.
What do you all think about the counselor situation? Is it common to use the same therapist for MC as used for WS? What kind of therapist do I need for betrayal trauma?
Thank you for letting me vent and I apologize if I'm rambling. Please ask for any clarification on anything you may need.
I appreciate any input given.
There is a lot more to the story but I'll have to get to it later in the sake of time.
BS - (Me) 51
Married -4 ½ yrs, together 6 ½ yrs
Dday1 - Winter 2014/2015 (before engagement)
Dday 2 – Winter 2017
Dday 3 – Summer 2019
Dday 4 - 8-/26/20
36 comments posted: Friday, October 9th, 2020