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I Can Relate :
Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 21

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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 4:35 AM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

The New York Times has an article on Love Bombing today! It's mostly about getting into new relationships, not about covering guilt & shame during a relationship. But at least it puts the topic out there for people to consider. Wish I'd seen it 30 years ago.

posts: 305   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8708996
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 11:12 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Ooh yeah, that's a good subject to educate people about. It's an effective as heck technique. I wish I had understood more about "mirroring". That one got me. We just had so much in common, lol.

Mandy - check in with us when you can. I've been thinking about you.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4765   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8709175
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 7:42 AM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

I came across and email I sent to my exSAWH 12 years ago, a decade before I knew about his behavior. It was a summary of a session with my therapist (also our marriage counselor at the time). What is stunning is that a) we spent so little time talking to one another that I had to email him about the session rather than have a face-to-face discussion with him b) I talked about wanting to go back to work since I knew I'd be happier if I did, but the (male) therapist questioned how I would have time for that and for all the other things I did (a lot of what I did was try to make life easier for my addict spouse because he was always complained about being stressed/tired/frustrated at work/having back pain/migraines etc etc etc. Interesting the therapist didn't suggest I find a way to try to eliminate or delegate some of this responsibility so I could do what I knew would make me happier, and while I don't have a reply from my then-husband, it seems apparent that he didn't suggest we find a way for me to go back either, and c) another interesting thing from the email is that the therapist told me that while I was a far less demanding wife than most, physicians often left it all at work and had nothing left for home - or in other words, he rationalized and justified my spouse's emotional anorexia rather than suggesting I deserved more.

As I've thought about it, I realized that a lot of the women I know who suffered betrayal trauma from SAs were raised in families with a male-chauvinist father. My mother was a smart, strong (unhappy) woman, and my father always tried to make a joke out of his chauvinism, but it existed. I think because of that, what the therapist was saying didn't seem unreasonable to me. Of course I needed to set aside my desire to return to work, of course it was OK that a doctor leave it all at the office ... ; man was I screwed up.

posts: 305   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8709985
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