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I Can Relate :
Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 21

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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 7:02 AM on Wednesday, May 12th, 2021

HeHadADoubleLife.

And for that matter, people who are passive aggressive or drop hints or don't mean what they say bug the living shit out of me. Life is far too short for me to spend that much time wrapping my thoughts and feelings up in codes for you to decipher. Life would be so much easier if everyone would just say what they mean and mean what they say.

Just want to say "Amen!" to that.

The fabrics and tags... I get you. I used to have to cut the tags out of my daughter's clothing, and turn her socks inside out because of the seams. The head of the gifted program in the school district introduced me to psychologist Kazimierz Dabrowski's "overexcitabilities" or "super sensitivities," which are five areas in which some children exhibit intense behaviors, including sensual areas like tags and socks...

posts: 284   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8658727
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 7:18 AM on Wednesday, May 12th, 2021

Somber/CrazyBlindsided

I'm sorry you are both hurting to badly. To answer your question: yes and no.

I don't want a relationship with anyone, including possible reconciliation with SAWH or even casual sex with some cute guy, until I work on myself for a while. I need to be the priority without any distractions while I heal and grow. I can't swear to it, but I seem to recall my therapist telling me that the average time was about 14-16 months to deal with the various issues that led me to find and tolerate an emotionally anorexic relationship. That said, I hope and expect to get to a point where I could have sex.

Somber, I can't imagine how difficult it is to juggle kids along with betrayal and Covid. There are women in my 12 step meetings who call in from their closet or their car in the garage, or who listen on earphone even if they can't talk because their kids are around. I'm amazed at their dedication to their own recoveries.

How do you heal? Is it even possible?

The answer is yes. Healing is possible. I've heard women say that they wouldn't wish this on anyone, and while they aren't 'glad' it happened to them, they are happier and healthier than they've ever been and they are grateful for that. There are very very brief moments when I feel that way too. I'm still a mess most of the time, but I'm also glad I'm not where I was before I knew. I am happier now, that I know. I just need to deal with figuring out how to look at the past and how to have the tools I need for the future.

I hope things ease up soon and you can find some time to work on healing from your trauma.

HurtMyHeart

When I look back at my marriage I tend to focus on the bad memories, eventhough we had good times together. Does anyone else go through this too? I just want to work through this pain and come out on top with the hopes of a better future.

I learned about the SA last summer, and only recently have I been able to think about some of the good memories, usually ones that involve our daughter. I'm not sure there are any that involve just the two of us, at least not yet. I am fortunate because I can yell at my SAWH, or ask what they hell he was thinking or about his motivation, and he is deeply remorseful for how he hurt me and betrayed our marriage, so it helps me understand the addiction. (Understanding and forgiveness are not the same, and neither of those equals trust) But I think it has to be especially hard for you because you can't ask your questions or vent your anger. You can't see him hurting or healing or continuing his addiction. It just came to an abrupt end. One thing I've learned is that the addicts aren't unique. If you are interested in trying to understand why he did what he did - to help you understand that it really had nothing to do with you - I'd suggest reading TINSA: A Neurological Approach to the Treatment of Sex Addiction by Michael Barta. I found it much more tolerable that Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes. I do think you're healing. I think your posts are different than they used to be. It takes time, but know that you are making progress and you WILL get there.

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 1:40 AM, May 12th (Wednesday)]

posts: 284   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 4:21 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

Thanks to those who gave me feedback, it is very helpful to know that others also understand what I'm going through.

But I think it has to be especially hard for you because you can't ask your questions or vent your anger. You can't see him hurting or healing or continuing his addiction. It just came to an abrupt end.

BlackRaven, I got to see plenty of my DSAWH addiction come into play for several years before his death but I didn't realize that he was envolved with other women until several years before his death. But I did have my suspicions and he was always able to convince me that he would never hurt me and I believed his lies.

After his death though, everything came into the light, it just happened and I was able to come out of denial and was able to see through all his lies because what blinded me in the first place were his lies, manipulations, gas lighting, trickle truth, my denial.

He also used my trust in him against me. And it hurts me deeply to know that the man I truly loved didn't Value our wedding vows with the seriousness that I did.

And yes, I do believe that I am healing but these last couple day's have been especially tough for me and I don't know why. The pain in my soul has been relentless and my sadness overwhelming. And I do go back and forth on how I feel about his death. Of course I am terribly sad and devastated over losing him but also know that he was on a very path that was hurting the both of us.

This is one of the hardest journey's I've ever endured in my life but I'm still hanging on and going to the gym, taking the dogs for long walks or dog park. I just drove across the U.S. to be with my daughter and flying to be with my son next week. So, I am pushing myself to stand and to try and rise above this pain

posts: 716   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8659252
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 2:55 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

Hurtmyheart, the closest I came to having any level of understanding your situation was when my XWH was making suicide threats and I honestly believed he would do it. I got to the point where I told him it was his life and his choice, hung up the phone and went right to sleep. The next day I wondered if he'd finally done it and part of me hoped he had because at least that would mean he'd leave me alone forever and the other parts of me were horrified that I could ever even have such a thought about someone I'd loved so much. It has to be such a mindfuck to deal with this.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4479   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8659381
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 5:56 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

DevastedDee, there is much more to this story. But to be honest, what I have been experiencing since his death, has even been beyond my comprehension. And things that he told me while he was still alive makes perfect sense now that he is gone. Let's just say that addiction comes from evil.

If you think about it, living with addiction creates chaos, mind games, emotional abuse, arguing, (physical abuse for some), hurt, pain, bad choices, lieing, lack of love, manipulation, gas lighting, confusion, etc.

Addiction comes from evil, and is evil. Nothing good comes out of addiction. Addiction entraps the innocent because our souls are good, kind, vulnerable, trusting. Addiction preys on innocence, weak minds.

Knowing what I know now, my advice to those who are still in the thro's of addiction, understand and know what you are up against and know who you are fighting. This fight is not about you, this fight is the addicts fight and either they want to give up their lust and evil ways or they will be doomed. You can not fix them because this battle is the addicts to seek out their solutions. They have to want to get well and stay well.

I also believe 100% that these addicts are weak and are easy prey for lust and other forms of sick behavior. Their weakness is what enables them in the first place to succumb to addiction.

Anyways, I am doing okay, just taking things one day at a time and building myself back up into someone I want to be today. I understand that I no longer can go back to my innocent, nieve, trusting, loving, kind self. Instead, I can take this new knowledge that I have acquired and not only help myself to become stronger but can also help others.

My advice to those who are still experiencing struggles with your addicted spouse, the best thing you can do is to protect yourself (and your kids) from this person. He is not safe for you and will continue to bring this emotional pain and chaos into your lives as long as you allow it to continue.

Love, caring, compassion, friendship, trust, faithfulness, etc. are signs of what a healthy relationship should be and look like. Not chaos, hatred, emotional and physical abuse, infidelity, negativity, addiction... all of this points to evil.

posts: 716   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 9:36 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

DevastatedDee, I think I kind of went off track there for a moment.

I think when you look back at your marriage you can see how low his behaviors brought you. In a healthy, loving marriage, we don't wish bad things or for our spouse to die. You must have been pretty devastated to have had such strong feelings and so was I.

I also told my H that if he was continuing doing hurtful things behind my back, that I too wanted him to die, I think we are just that low. But I blame his hurtful behaviors for how he made me feel. He got pretty bad and there was no going back for me to ever have trust for him ever again. Makes me feel sad how he destroyed my feelings for him.

And yes, I did think about suicide on two separate occasions but stopped myself from doing it because I didn't want my kid's to be without their mother.

I can't phantom how he treated me, he torchered and tormented me relentlessly to the point he caused me brain damage for life. I don't think the damage is repairable but I take an antidepressant that seems to keep my emotions intact for the most part.

I can now look back and clearly see that he was a very sick man. Breaks my heart but he didn't want to help himself and to take responsibility to get better, he white knuckled his recovery. So be it now because he is gone.

posts: 716   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8659625
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Blackthorne ( new member #78797) posted at 3:50 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

Hi Everyone,

Just found out my husband is a porn/sex addict. I'm super confused and feel very lost. I've been reading the posts on this forum for a couple of weeks now. I can identify with so many of the posts here. I tried to join a call support group, but it's just to hard to make the calls(I don't want the children to over hear).

I caught him with an affair partner, then learned she is not the only one. Looking back on our ten years together I guess I should not be surprised. I just didn't know what to look for until I looked into sex/porn addiction after his diagnosis. Now I'm feeling fairly stupid. I feel like I might have never actually been in a marriage. Or rather I was but he was not.

He is remorseful and seems to be trying very hard. But I just can't bring myself to trust a word he says. Why would I believe someone who has lied to me for YEARS?

posts: 7   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659885
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secondtime ( member #58162) posted at 6:19 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

Blackthorne-

I'm sorry you find yourself here.

Trust is earned, not owed.

It took me 18 months after DDay1 to decide that I could start cautiously trusting my husband again.

I had a second DDay, several years later. I actually can trust my husband with a lot of things. His addiction is the only thing I can't trust him with. Natural consequences and all that.

But, really, right now the trust thing shouldn't even be on your radar. Your focus really should be on yourself so you can begin your healing. If there's any trust work that needs to be done, it's that you need to be super comfortable with trusting your gut, inner voice, whatever you want to call it. You want to be able to decide for yourself, where your husband is or isn't with his recovery. To do that, you have to trust yourself.

I'm not sure what's possible for you, but we have had 4 children at home 24/7 from March 2020 to April 2021. My husband would just go on a walk when he was on his 12 step meeting calls. We live in a four season climate, so during winter, it just meant more layers.

BTW- You are not stupid. My husband didn't yet cheat on me. He was so good at hiding his porn/compulsive masturbation. I mean, literally, the only way I would have found out is if I would have quit my job, school, or whatever else and been next to him 24/7, even while using the bathroom. And he did so good with the whole double life thing, until it hit an escalation point. I actually accused him of cheating on me on and off for about a year before DDay1.

If anyone is stupid, it's my husband. Not me. He's the one that brought this on in my marriage. Not me. My husband is the one that took vows that he knew he couldn't keep. I'm not even talking the forsaking all other ones. There's the love, honor, cherish bit, too.

Be gentle on yourself. Eat, drink, rest, move a bit. Do things that really help you be mindful, rather than having all of this go through your head all the time. You need not make any decisions until you are ready to.

posts: 1035   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2017
id 8659910
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Blackthorne ( new member #78797) posted at 3:08 AM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

Secondtime,

You are correct! I do need to get comfortable with trusting my gut instinct again. It turns out the cheating binder he was on started in the summer of 2019. I was constantly getting that feeling that he was cheating from the day he met the first woman(one night stand with a 22 year old). That led to others, full on affairs. The feeling has subsided quite a bit since I caught him and the trickle truth started, but I I'm certain I really don't know the half of it and that he is not as willing to do the self work as he says he is, seems like it's more talk then action at this point.

I, of course, have been trying to do all kinds of self work.Funny how the people who need the most help won't do anything about their issues!

I have made calls from my car and the bathroom. But my husband is never home in time. And the youngest is three so leaving the kids to figure it out for an hour was not working. I did two calls and then stopped trying. I hope when school gets out I can start having my 16 year old niece babysit while I do my calls. Only a couple more weeks!!

I know I need the support right now. I've been through all kinds of horrific stuff ( my mother was murdered by her affair partner) and always handled myself well but this seems to be the final straw for me. I'm broken.

posts: 7   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8660052
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 4:02 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Blackthorne,

Welcome. I'm sorry you're here.

Secondtime has good advice about focusing on yourself right now.

I'm told that trust comes down the road, after a full therapeutic disclosure with polygraph, and follow up polygraphs, and complete transparency, and evidence of their sobriety and recovery and learned intimacy ... In other words, it takes years.

SALifeline has a midday meetings on Monday and Tuesday (Mountain time,) if your kids nap or can watch a video. Some people come late or leave early.

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 1:01 AM, May 22nd (Saturday)]

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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 4:26 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

I'm told that trust comes down the road, after a full therapeutic disclosure with polygraph, and follow up polygraphs, and complete transparency, and evidence of their sobriety and recovery and learned intimacy ... In other words, it takes years.

That sounds like a LOT of work to get down to the very base-level trust that one should feel safe having for a spouse. It's not much of an accomplishment to take years to get to where you should have started out when you can just walk away from all of it and not have to deal with all of that for one human being among billions on this earth. That isn't even factoring in the high relapse rate of sex addicts either.

I'm so sorry for what you've had to deal with, Blackthorne. It's too much, it really is.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4479   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8660368
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HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 6:39 PM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

Hi Somber! Glad to hear you're doing ok. Sounds like separation is working for you.

And yeah, as shitty as it is, expect to feel the sadness more before you get to happiness. I've come to realize that a lot of the sadness/despair I felt after leaving were feelings I had been forced to stuff down while we were together in order to survive. So once I left, I finally had a safe space to actually feel them, and it was like my brain knew and decided to purge them.

You know when you're organizing a closet (or in my case my entire apartment right now)? It HAS to get messier before it gets clean. You have to clear out all of the old stuff, poke around in every cupboard, wipe down every shelf, sweep, vacuum, dust.

All of the stuff that was in the closet or cupboard looks like it has exploded on the floor. All of those "feelings" you stuffed away are exposed now. And they aren't going to go away on their own, they have to be explored and felt before you can either decide to keep them or get rid of them.

But you then get to slowly look through each item and decide what you want to keep (what is still serving you) vs. what you want to get rid of (what no longer serves you). You can toss all of those old coping mechanisms that were great for when you were in survival mode but no longer serve you in the new thriving mode you're trying to create.

And then you get to decide exactly how you want to organize all of those "keepers." Healing from trauma is really like spring cleaning for our brains.

re: aversion to sex, yes CBS, I did have that. Still do to an extent, though it has lessened over time. As in, even being horny/feeling sexual at all used to cause me great distress. Now I feel "safe" in feeling that way, but am not yet ready to share any of those feelings with anyone else.

Blackthorne, sorry you find yourself here, but also glad you're able to get support! I can't imagine how you ladies are doing it with kids in the house and trying to get on these phone calls. I was barely surviving when I was still with him and had the girls in the house, I felt like we could never adequately address anything because one or both of the girls were always around, and it's very difficult to have a hush hush conversation around something so deeply hurtful.

I, of course, have been trying to do all kinds of self work.Funny how the people who need the most help won't do anything about their issues!

Yes, unfortunately, this seems to be the truth in most cases. Those who need the help the most are not only ignoring it, they're actively avoiding it and even running away. But then again, that's pretty much what their sex addiction is anyway, right? Running away from their problems.

Re: rebuilding trust. I was with my X for 7 years. for about 6 of those years, I knew about the masturbation addiction. I chose to rebuild trust surrounding that. And I truly thought it worked. At the time I discovered the physical affair, then subsequently discovered the drugs and the escorts, I would say that I had the MOST trust in him I had ever had before. It's part of why it hurt so much. I thought we had worked through it. I felt as if we were stronger than ever. Then BOOM, I find out that he had just found new outlets for his addictions, as well as getting better at hiding it.

I don't think I'm the kind of person who could just leave after the first few times. I needed to know I had done everything I could. But with the benefit of hindsight, I don't know if staying and doing everything I could was worth it in the end. I'm trying to forgive myself for being the kind of person who is wired to try to make things work, because while he is absolutely responsible for everything he did to me, I'm also responsible for staying, and that haunts me at times.

I'm not saying it's impossible to rebuild trust. I actually did rebuild it. I know it may seem backwards or impossible, but it's true, I did trust him. My trust in him was real, even though his honesty wasn't, if that makes sense.

In the end, yes, I rebuilt trust, but my trust was misplaced, and I ended up even more devastated than I would have been had I left at the first major discovery.

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 830   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8661205
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numbandnauseous ( member #34525) posted at 10:23 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

Hello everyone,

I am back after not being here for many years. I am so sorry for what everyone is going through - it is a special kind of hell.

I have a question about my teenage son who is looking at porn and was wondering if anyone here has any experience dealing with this. His dad (now deceased) was an SA. Does anyone have any resources for teenagers to explain the damage that porn can do in an age appropriate way? I've been googling all morning, but haven't found much. I did order the book "Good Pictures, Bad Pictures" and will review that with him. I would like to be proactive about discussing his porn usage before he spirals down the rabbit hole of sex addiction.

Thank you for any advice you can give me. Love and hugs to all.

BS (me) - 50
WH - 58, EA with HS GF x 2, now deceased
M: 15 years, T: 20, divorced
2 teenage children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)

posts: 828   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2012   ·   location: the other side
id 8661709
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 7:18 AM on Saturday, May 22nd, 2021

DevastateDee

That sounds like a LOT of work to get down to the very base-level trust that one should feel safe having for a spouse.

You're 100% right. But after what I've gone through, I don't think I would trust anyone again automatically. So for me, whether it's my xSAWH or someone else, trusting a partner is going to take a lot of work.

numbandnauseous

DrJillManning on her website has some free digital downloads on porn and on talking to kids about porn. Not sure if they're any good but I think it was her primary area of research.

posts: 284   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8661778
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 1:01 PM on Saturday, May 22nd, 2021

You're 100% right. But after what I've gone through, I don't think I would trust anyone again automatically. So for me, whether it's my xSAWH or someone else, trusting a partner is going to take a lot of work.

That's where healing ourselves matters so much. I didn't trust my XWH automatically. That took time, and my trust was misplaced. Was it misplaced from day 1 or did I meet him at a trustworthy time? No idea. That's life, though. We will never know what's in a person's soul. I think after being with this kind of addict, we'll be more likely to see the signs that we missed before and not repeat this particular mistake. There are no guarantees about meeting and trusting someone with different issues altogether, but I'd bet we're a lot more armored for dating that we ever were before. No one should trust automatically anyway. To learn to trust someone who isn't a sex addict seems to be a lot safer than learning to trust someone whom we know is a sex addict. It's like deciding to handle a poisonous snake exclusively because we don't feel confident in judging whether any other snakes might be poisonous. It would be like intentionally choosing the dangerous option because other people might be dangerous too. I don't quite get that.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4479   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8661800
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delilah2016 ( member #56481) posted at 10:45 AM on Sunday, May 23rd, 2021

Dday #3 was yesterday. Since Dday #2 five 1/2 years ago, I have done a lot of work on myself. I've come a long way recovering from codependency (from childhood trauma), I've worked hard on my betrayal trauma, and I've gotten such good information from this website. We tried full on reconciliation for a couple of years, but then I realized that he would never get over his mommy issues and he would always be someone that seeks attention from others. The last 3 years, we live together, but I've been very detached and only working on myself.

Yesterday he went to lunch with a friend and he hid his ipad before he left. I've kind of noticed that before but I never "investigated" until yesterday. I found it in the garage with pictures of a young girl (20's maybe, just young to me) and a couple of pornographic drawings. He came home, I asked why he hid it, he claimed that he was in the garage and left it there, I called bullshit, he confessed and the rest is just a bunch of nonsense making him the victim. He claims it's all online, which I believe because he's not working and has no access to money except through me since Dday #2.

So here we are again. We have moved to the next level of detachment, he is now in the spare room. We haven't had sex for a few years now, so nothing will change there. He says he will start back with his counselor but he wants me to come too. I reminded him that he never got healthy enough for me to consider marriage counselor the last time. Right before he stopped IC (due to his IC retirement) he recommended EMDR for him but told him that he could get worse before he gets better, so he never followed through due to fear. I have continuously told him what I need from him for the past three years. Follow through with what you say and stop asking me to assist with things you can do easily for yourself are the two biggest. Both of our kids live out of state and we don't see them very often. The other big thing is when we visit the kids, he needs to stop doing all of the talking and listen to what the kids say. I want to hear about them, not listen to him monopolizing the conversation.

Why do I stay? We've been married for 34 years next month. I gave up my career to be a stay at home mom, so I'm currently in a stable but low paying job. I would like to retire some day soon. Most of our money is tied up in his 401k, which I would get 1/2 of, but 1/2 isn't enough when I have one child across the country and another a few hours away. The current reason is that he lost his job during this C19 mess so in my state, I would have to pay him alimony for 11 years. I have told him that if he wants a divorce, I won't fight it, but he still claims he wants to stay married and get better.....whatever is my response to that one.

Another reason is that I know I will never be open to another relationship. I have been betrayed my whole life and I don't trust anyone right now. I am getting healthier, which is part of the reason that I don't have any close friends. During my healing I have realized that none of my BFF's were healthy people and I have cut ties with all of them. My family is full of triangulating narcs. Anyway, I am open to divorce at some point, mostly if he gets a good job and will be paying me alimony. I'm doing surprisingly well, mostly due to this website preparing me for the next Dday which was inevitable.

BW - Late 50's
SAWH -addicted to porn since his early teens - Late 50's
Married 30+ years
Adult children
DD #1 Jan 1995 - EA with co worker
DD #2 Nov 2015 - PA with 26 yr old stripper, confirmed LT EA with neighbor
DD #3 May 2021 Online EA

posts: 241   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2016
id 8661961
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Blackthorne ( new member #78797) posted at 9:14 PM on Sunday, May 23rd, 2021

HeHadADoubleLife,

Yes! I'm also the type that gives marriage my all. I have a hard time with the concept of walking away. And I to had worked on forgiveness for a one night stand that happened six months into the marriage. He seems to really do a lot to prevent it from happening again. He believed the problem was drinking. He cut back on the drinking. Always volunteered to be the designated driver for guys nights out. Worked great for years. I really did trust him again. It was honestly like it never happened. Then two years ago(I just found all this out recently) he started having issues with porn, one night stands, and affairs. Now I feel like trusting would be crazy. I hesitate to work towards trusting and I don't want to be in a marriage without trust.

And it certainly doesn't help that he is really down about it all. He is hopeless. Feels like he won't be able to change. Keeps saying I need to just leave him and save myself. And now I am so suspicious of him that I question if he is playing head games to get me to stay/feel sorry for him. Not being able to take someone at their word about one thing seems to spill over into all other things.

DevestatedDee,

I totally get what you are saying. I think I'm working my way towards that. I can't remember where I read it(I've done way to much research since I found out about all this) but I remember a woman talking about how her therapist told her she had "earned her way out of her marriage." I think I'm going to have to do some selfwork to earn my way out. My natural instincts is to help people. But in this case it's too big an issue. He is the only one who can fix it.

BlackRaven,

Thanks! I checked out the SALifeline but I didn't notice the midday meetings. I'll have to take a look again. That might workout for me.

posts: 7   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8662043
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 4:29 AM on Monday, May 24th, 2021

Oh Delilah2016...so sorry to see this, but your instincts haven't let you down, yet. Keep trusting yourself and keep moving towards healthy.

Sucks that this always seems to hit at the same time as other negative $ factors in the marriage.

posts: 1380   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8662106
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 7:30 AM on Monday, May 24th, 2021

deliliah2016

I'm so sorry this happened. At the same time, I'm proud of you for where you are in your recovery and how you are prioritizing yourself.

Blackthorne

And it certainly doesn't help that he is really down about it all. He is hopeless. Feels like he won't be able to change. Keeps saying I need to just leave him and save myself.

That is classic shame spiral of an addict.

posts: 284   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8662121
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PurpleReign ( member #75083) posted at 6:07 PM on Monday, May 24th, 2021

Hello ladies. I’ve been in an emotional whirlwind. I’m upset, angry, and bewildered. This past Friday my 2 precious dogs got out of the yard and luckily neighbors found them. It was a hole in the fence. So I needed the issue fixed immediately. I called the SASTBX to help me fix the hole. On the way to the hardware store somehow the topic of his SA came up. A few weeks back he accidentally divulged to me that he had been waiting outside strip clubs to get rides for Uber. Told me it was just for work. Lmfao! I tried to tell him you’re lying again and justifying your behavior.

So in the car on Friday I asked do you still think waiting outside of strip clubs is ok as long is it’s for “business”. He actually doubled down on this and tried to say he didn’t know where the app was taking him. More lies to cover the original. Wait it got better. He told me that he went as far as to tell the newbies that more money could be made at the strip clubs. I said so you were also fine leading other men to immoral behavior?! At that point I started laughing hysterically. I laughed from the parking lot, to the store, through the aisles. Because this idiot believed his own lies and justification.

Turns out his session with his CSAT was that afternoon. I said ask him if this all was ok. I said he was a lost cause as long as he continued addictive behavior by lying. So he had to return to the house to finish the work on the fence. I asked how did it go? He clammed up. Didn’t want to share anything. Then I asked what about the strip club dilemma. He said the therapist said it was ok as long as it was for work. And that he’s not as far gone as I thought and that his therapist felt he would be an easy case. Ok at this point I was furious but chose not to lose my shit in front of him. So I helped finish the hole patch but came to a conclusion. I told him I will be talking to his therapist. That after confronting and consulting with him all payments toward therapy is over! I told him I know he’s lying but if he’s being aided in any way by a quack I’m reporting him to the board.

I’m finding that it only takes 2 sessions to see if the therapist is capable of handling a manipulative pathological lying addict. Most of them have failed. It’s bad enough my stbx is nutty it’s another for him to be enabled by a professional. A previous therapist was tricked into saying it’s ok for men to go to strip clubs. Until I called her ass and said did he tell you what he did with those said strippers/prostitutes?! She dropped him immediately after. She was trash anyway for telling me not to discuss the affair unless in session. So red flag right there. With this last one I was supposed to be at the first session to check him out. I think my stbx gave me the wrong date on purpose so I didn’t make it. The therapist insisted I get my own therapist and let him deal with my stbx one on one. I had serious reservations but allowed the second session to go on without me. I think in this case my stbx is lying AND the therapist is a quack. I had reservations about him after reading his bio and he came highly recommended by hold on sex addicts! I’ve learned from my brother’s alcoholism that addicts know which treatment centers and therapists to go to so they can pretend it’s sobriety. This looks exactly like that shit!

Then I’m so desperate feeling that I go to Dr. Weiss’ site. I read some bullshit about addicts doing the daily check ins of discussing the SA, 2 spiritual topics, and prayer. Fuuuuuuccckkkk! Ummm the majority of sex addicts are Christian! I’m sure they prayed beforehand and yet it still didn’t stop the addiction! Then to find out recently he’s a recovering addict himself! I just can’t! I read his book last year and decided not to recommend his book because I read some passages in his book that felt off and creepy. So fck him too!

If this is the help sex addicts are getting no wonder there’s still so much chaos and pain and relapse. Oh and the 12 steps shit is causing him to say talking about what he actually did is shaming him! What I see so far is enabling the addiction and letting them be the victim. So I’ve decided to just stop it all. I told him I don’t give a fck about his meetings. Don’t share shit with me. I’m not paying one more dime to another therapist. Especially this idiot he found. I was so depressed by Saturday. Once again so much crashing down on me. By Sunday I was able to start packing the master bedroom. I was happy the entire day. Today I’m hoping to continue to just get shit done. It’s just I can’t help feeling helpless. I’m mad I ignored any of my gut feelings but I did catch this mess in time.

So far the best advice and guidance I’ve gotten is from the women married to sex addicts and some of the female CSAT’s online. Me thinks maybe men don’t belong in this sex addiction “recovery” business. 9 times out of 10 they’re either a recovering one, are one, or sympathize with our male spouses. I’m just so angry today. So what I’m trying desperately to do is stop caring at all. I accept his 30 days of false recovery is bullshit just as I thought it was. I want to accept he’s a very sick man and not want to fix it or him. I thought that although our marriage was dead in the water that he still could get better on his own time. So far I’m so so wrong. I’ve had to accept that I still love him, didn’t want this outcome, but realize he’s not safe and most likely never will be so for anyone. All I can do is continue to pick up the pieces and push forward rather I know what the fck I’m doing or not. I feel like I’m walking through thick fog. Truly what the fck is this?!

posts: 63   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020
id 8662244
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