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Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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UnstuffedGiraffe posted 2/10/2021 13:32 PM

I'm learning to manage the damn lizard brain that's gone haywire

That is my main goal in IC. I managed to find someone older with recent education. Iíve only had a few visits but, I think I may have found a good fit.

Throwaway999 posted 2/11/2021 05:04 AM

Thank you all for your insights in choosing a good IC. I originally called the therapist who saw us twice for MC...I liked her but at the time, going to MC was the wrong choice for us as it was so early on after discovery and frankly, my WH lied to her face as well as mine during the sessions. My thinking was well at least she met him and would have some reference. Her schedule is full so I have been referred to her colleague who will have all of the notes from our 2 sessions.

I going to listen to that podcast this weekend and write of list of questions for her. My old IC was very nice and I think experienced but she really told me nothing different that what my friends would tell me or what I gained from reading here. Everyone on SI has great insight and solid advice.

Honestly most days I feel mentally good....having obvious NC and being 100% out of infidelity has helped me heal by leaps and bounds. I just want to make sure that I am on the right track and work on my self worth a bit more as I still have moments of self doubt. Hearing what a shitty and horrible person I was from my WH did take a toll on my self esteem. My head knows it was all just his shit excuses, justifications and re-writing our history but it did some damage. He truly never left the wayward mindset.

And I want to be able to support my kids...I have to get my own crap together so I can be there for them. Two have mental health issues.

A few years ago I had coffee with a bunch of Momís from when my kids were in kindergarten....about 8 Momís in total. Every single one of them had at least one child struggling with mental health, on medication for it or in therapy. My son says mental health issues are rampant in their age group (teens to early twenties)...he believes itís due to social media...and frankly in my opinion itís going to be worse as these kids grow up with the effects of a year of isolation due lockdowns.

Anyway...thanks as always to everyone...you are lifesavers!

UnstuffedGiraffe posted 2/11/2021 06:07 AM

and frankly in my opinion itís going to be worse as these kids grow up with the effects of a year of isolation due lockdowns

Iím afraid youíre probably right. Iím also concerned about very young kids (daycare-preK) still developing language and communication skills wearing masks all day with adults also wearing masks and not learning to read facial expressions.

Throwaway999 posted 2/11/2021 06:59 AM

Unstuffed - I hate to admit but I am shocked at my own kids lack of ability to communicate face to face. Thankfully they all had part time jobs in high school which helped them learn how to talk to adults and integrate with people with different personalities and my eldest who is starting his career is getting so much better...he has to do zoom calls all the time. Buts itís not the same as face to face communication. Texting allows people to say things that they would never dream of saying in person. And frankly increases the ease of bullying which led to my daughterís issues...long before Covid, cancer and infidelity came into our lives.

And for the little ones, Covid is teaching them the opposite of how we raised our kids...hugging, sharing toys and being able to play with each other. Itís sad.

UnstuffedGiraffe posted 2/11/2021 15:18 PM

Getting a job in high school helped me talk to people a lot. Even today if Iím talking to you and not getting paid for it youíre one of the privileged few. My husband gets the communication failure award for to day. And his response to me being triggered come hang out with us. Us being his annoying friend who stays for days and is encouraging him to make poor financial decisions and his mom the enabler. I need to get out of the house, I need a really long bike ride but itís wet and fucking cold, the kids are likely get another snow day next week and the sun isnít due out for another week.

Throwaway999 posted 2/11/2021 21:26 PM

Unstuffed- I am sorry you are having a rough day...all of this sucks. Hang in there...sending you a hug.

20yrsagoBS posted 2/11/2021 21:33 PM

AwUnstuffed! I saw something on the news about the terrible weather in Texas. Plus be safe!


UnstuffedGiraffe posted 2/12/2021 05:49 AM

Thanks yíall everything not on the ground is covered in ice, still trying to convince my boss I shouldnít go to work today. The kids are going to school online today. After Yesterday I want to go to work and get out of the house but donít want to drive over any icy bridges. I also want my husbandís friend to go home heís still here because the weather is worse where heís going. Iím ready to move to Hawaii.

Throwaway999 posted 2/14/2021 12:29 PM

Happy Gal-atineís Ladies!

So my Vent for the day (mostly because I feel
like I am going to explode if I donít). I was deactivating WHís fuckbook. And downloaded his data first. He had always told me he was never active or used FB...for years and years he said this. Well no surprise I guess when the data showed 1000ís of activations then 2-3 minutes later a deactivation. This continued for years past when his said he had stopped cheating. I figure he activated...sent messages or answered messages then quickly deactivated so I would never know. All up until he got cancer then, I assume he stopped cheating.

Just another layer to the lies. Always believe the worst you guys told me and every time I feel there is no more to find out...there is. Another stab in my heart from his lies and cheating.

LadyG posted 2/14/2021 17:11 PM

Throwaway999, I hate FB. I deactivated my account but can reactive if I login using a code sent to my phone or email, but that stopped working. Turns out my STBXWH tried hacking into my FB account and now itís locked me out for good!

We started another 5 day hard lockdown Friday night. Covid escaped hotel quarantine once again. I just couldnít be bothered with getting out of bed today anyway. I had another nightmare last night. Havenít slept.

My DS is 24 tomorrow and I have ordered him his favourite cake which I may not be able to pick up now. I couldnít believe the nerve of WH asking me to get him cake too. Itís his freakin birthday Wednesday. Heís 58 and still wants a cake. Screw him. The last time I bought him a birthday cake he didnít even touch it and ran off to see his whore/AP And they went out for drinks. I am never getting that man anything ever again. And fuck his birthday. His favourite gift, a Fuck! Something I donít give. Happy Monday ladies.

UnstuffedGiraffe posted 2/14/2021 20:43 PM

Itís snowing, I hate snow.

Facebook sucks, husband is no longer on there. I have been checking my memories daily for context on the first affair. The affair supposedly ended some time in February which seems to be about the time I finally started to get a break from the relentless teething and sleep deprivation. I have almost completely stopped posting on FB itís become a pretty toxic place.

Birthday cake is awesome, Iíve found the best way to get one is to buy your own.

20yrsagoBS posted 2/15/2021 12:52 PM

Hi Goddesses!


We spent the weekend at Walt Disneyworld.

We met our daughter for dinner Saturday night

I woke up Sunday morning and asked WH when he stopped liking his last AP.

He said on DDay when he saw the result of what his relationship with her caused

I told him it wasnít his relationship with her that caused it, itís the fucked up part of him that thought it was ok to engage in that to begin with

LadyG posted 2/15/2021 15:27 PM

20yrsagoBS, were there lots of witches at Walt Disneyworld?

One of the rare conversations I had with WH about AP, I realised that the last whore/AP looks like a typical Disney Witch. WH agreed, saying, ĎI know right. And ironically that I look like a typical Disney Princessí. Itís laughable, but true.

Apparently WH stopped liking the AP just before the last Dday when his mother saw them together and was horrified that the AP was so unattractive. The negative comments about the AP from WHís ďfriendsĒ also turned him off her.

Throwaway999 posted 2/16/2021 05:14 AM

I donít think my WH ever didnít like his APís...he defended them and never said a bad word about them ever. Whenever I would go off on a triade about what kind of a person would knowingly carrying on affair with someone for years knowing they had a wife and young kids....he said nothing. He never saw them in their true light...but having said that...he also believed all of the lies he told himself about me to justify his affairs. I think he truly believed his own bullshit and just never respected me enough. He would always say ďit was his fault he cheated, butĒ...then continue on with the long list of my faults.

I am lucky however...not a single person who knows me believed his bullshit....except maybe his mother.

20yrsagoBS posted 2/16/2021 07:51 AM

II have to wonder if our Cheaters entered into the relationships with us for fear of someone else getting us first? Or actually love?

I doubt mine actually wanted to promise monogamy, he just knew that I wanted that.

So he paid the lip service of promising it to trap me


UnstuffedGiraffe posted 2/16/2021 10:46 AM

I am lucky however...not a single person who knows me believed his bullshit....except maybe his mother.

I feel that.

I have to wonder if our Cheaters entered into the relationships with us for fear of someone else getting us first? Or actually love?

Iíd love to know what was going through his head. I know things moved a lot faster than any relationship Iíd ever been in.

Outoflove2020 posted 2/16/2021 11:01 AM

Really struggling at the moment. Miss the kids something terrible. As a pseudo step parent, Iím just supposed to turn off the feelings and walk away after the break up? They arenít mine biologically but holy crap I love them like they were. But that doesnít get factored in during a breakup. Iím supposed to just walk away and be ok with it?

I know this is triggered by the fact that I sent them both little Valentineís gifts and havenít heard anything from either of them. I didnít do it for that but holy crap, does it make me feel insignificant. I know these are my issues, I should not and will not put it on them. Especially the youngest, sheís only 11. Sheís going through a lot of shit, including her mumís broken engagement (not really a surprise). I figured this was a way to respect her boundaries but show her I love her. Maybe it was wrong. I have no clue.

It really really hurts. Why do I even continue to try and do the right thing, when I just end up crying from heartbreak again and again. . Imagine if it was a ďrealĒ parent who hasnít seen or had contact with their own kids who they love and miss. Weíd be up in arms. But I was just a step parent, so hey, I will just move on.

How could he bring me into their lives, allowing me to fall in love with them and care for them only to selfishly cheat and tear them away. The thought of someone else bonding with her, well, that just sends me into a pain spiral. I donít give a shit about him meeting someone else for him, but the thought of his daughter having a new step mom and hen I just fade away.....I know itís not about me, itís about them, but I will never forgive him. Never. The pain is unbelievable.

I donít feel like anyone IRL understands. They werenít my kids so why am I so invested in them? I need to let them go, I need to move on.

Easier said than done. Nobody thinks to let me know how they are doing. No one reaches out to me about them to share stuff about them. Itís like Iíve been erased.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 11:02 AM, February 16th, 2021 (Tuesday)]

Outoflove2020 posted 2/16/2021 12:59 PM

I've calmed down now, for the time being. Feel a bit numb to be honest, but I know it will pass. The last few days have felt like I was back in the aftermath of DDay. Actual, physical pain, bent over it was so bad. I thought those intense days were long behind me.

I've also just finished with my first round of first's, the last being Feb 9th which is when I moved out into the Air BnB and I honestly, and truly believed it would only be for a couple of months as there was NO way he wouldn't pull his head out of his ass, right? Oh how naive. I think my body has really been keeping score as I've been reliving the absolute emotional and mental misery and hell I was in, while living in that Air BnB. I'm sure it's all a factor.

Feel a bit empty now. But it's better than the pain. Holy crap, does this never end? I've been doing so friggin' well lately, I really have. Am working on buying my own place, have trips planned, things are going really well at work. Then this comes out of nowhere. I've taken the afternoon off work as a half sick day. I'm going to drink tea and just read. And try and be kind to myself and learn something from the last two days.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 1:00 PM, February 16th, 2021 (Tuesday)]

skeetermooch posted 2/16/2021 14:07 PM

OOL, you have a lot of grieving between your ex and the children. My heart goes out to you.

It gets easier and it takes way too long to happen. But you'll get there. It sounds like you're doing all of the right things.

20yrsagoBS posted 2/16/2021 15:15 PM

Aw OOL


You sound like you need a big hug!

Consider this a virtual one!


Youíre doing a good thing for those kids by showing them they are loved despite having a monster for a father

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