SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have to imagine this discussion topic does not show up in this forum very often. I discovered my WW's affair about a month after we got married in 1980. (For details, see profile)

And yes.....you read that correctly: a full 40 years ago.

Off and on over the years, something will trigger the emotions, distrust and indecision about whether to go or stay. I never know what will trigger it or how long the period of turmoil will last. There are so many things I don't know about the affair. The timeline of her affair is especially disturbing. She swears it ended before we got married, but there is strong evidence (unprovable unfortunately) to the contrary. In a nutshell, I don't believe her.

We haven't talked directly about the affair in many, many years. But, in my experience, women's intuition is a real thing - and she seems to know when it's gnawing at me.

I have been in the midst of one of the worst 'flare-ups' for three months now. Who knows what brought it on this time - guess it doesn't really matter.

I am on the verge of retirement and am openly pondering whether I want to go into the so-called golden years with her and the HUGE unresolved issues and mistrust surrounding the affair. We have children and grandchildren - so there are others who will be impacted by whatever I decide.

So far, I have been carrying the burden of the affair entirely by myself. But I will begin meeting with a MC next week - unbeknownst to her. It's going to be extremely hard to open up about this after keeping the lid on it for 4 decades.

Am I the Lone Ranger? Anyone out there in a similar boat? Other than the "get over it" tripe, are there any suggestions on how to navigate through these waters?

Well, a lot of people find out about an A years or decades after it ended. A few members rug-swept an A, and it has come back to to haunt them years or decades later.

I think you've made a good choice to talk with an IC - a good IC can give you a lot of help in figuring out what you want and in responding to your W when you ask for it.

When it comes to talking with your W about what you want, a good MC - maybe even the IC, though that's iffy - might help by translating what you both say.

*****

Do you still have the letters?

I don't understand the BC pills - you have to take them consistently to make the reliable. Was she on them during your engagement but she told you she wasn't?

*****

Part of recovery if learning/deciding that your fiancee cheated for her reasons, because of her issues, not because of issues with you or your relationship. You were duped, but you weren't at fault. If people at the events thought of you as a fool, that's their problem - you were doing what you were supposed to do as a fiancee - trust her, attend to her. The shame belongs with your fiancee/W, not with you.

The failure was her, not yours.

I'm glad you're finally taking steps to put your feelings to rest. You may not be able to get all the info you want, but have faith in yourself to heal.

RaleighGuy, why oh why have you not laid it out every time you trigger? Why are you keeping it to yourself? There may or may not be an avenue for peace and healing, but one way for sure to keep that uncertainty it to not demand that the very reason for the pain, is not brought into the pain you are and have been in.

I will read your profile, as I hope it makes more clear why your wife has not been a part of your healing process and be able to respond to your needs, for the duration of your 40 years? Why are you carrying the burden by yourself, as per your own words? I think there is something in this alone that may be fueling your continued pain.

After you have read enough stories on SI, you will see there are almost unavoidable stages you will or must go through. I wonder if the way you and your fWW dealt with this suppressed the the stages that can help lead to healing, whether R or D is the result.

I do concern over the MC, as if it is not one that deals with infidelity trauma, and pressing the cheater on accountability and doing the work needed, then it may be more pain. I hope you have found one that knows "get over it" is the worst advice you can get.

[This message edited by DIFM at 11:53 AM, August 28th, 2020 (Friday)]

Sisoon: Many thanks for your thoughtful reply. Long ago I quit blaming myself for this. I've soul-searched a thousand times and can't come up with what I could have done to spur this on. She has told me all along that it was "on her".

But it doesn't really matter - nothing justifies the affair.

In answer to your questions:

Do you still have the letters?

No. They were destroyed shortly after I found them. But some of the passages I can still remember verbatim.

I don't understand the BC pills - you have to take them consistently to make the reliable.

You are correct about taking birth control consistently. But part of the problem is that I don't know whether she was using them at the time I found them. The affair could have been going on and I had no way of knowing. She could have taken one that day for all I know.

Was she on them during your engagement but she told you she wasn't?

The first time I was aware of the birth control pills was when I found them. How long she took them I have no idea.

Thanks once again.............

*****

DIFM: Thank you kindly for your input - it is genuinely appreciated.

Sooooooo.......we talked about it endlessly in the weeks after I found out. And during an especially bad flare-up about 10 years later, We went over all of it again. Like now, I was waking up in the middle of the night almost in panic mode. I grilled her time and again about details I was not comfortable with. After a short time, she seemed annoyed when I brought it up. I didn't believe her on many of the points most important to me anyway. ..I guess I finally just gave it up.

Two things that, for me, stand out:

1. You showed the pain from her cheating, and she got annoyed.

2. You gave up.

What consequences did she face. Did she do IC to get to the depth of the reasons she could cross the uncrossable boundaries? What were the "whatever it takes" things she did to show she was not longer an unsafe partner.

Maybe you did not know then what you could reasonably expect from her. Being here, you will come to know what a person with deep remorse and contrition does to show how appreciative they are to have been given the gift of reconciling.

I think you two had words and frustrations and maybe even some anger, but it sounds like you leveraged the passage of time to be the path to R. As someone whose fWW cheated 30 years ago, and who had several bouts over the years dealing with a broken fWW, the passage of time heals nothing, without the other things that matter.

Very few cheaters do what they have to do, if not held to the fire by the one they cheated on.

[This message edited by DIFM at 12:25 PM, August 28th, 2020 (Friday)]

Hey Raleigh,

Similar story here.

After we announced our engagement and money was spent, she confessed to 3 PAs, She minimized it, but there it was. A mutual friend had found out and made her confess. This was Feb 1994.

I was embarrassed, young, no idea how to process the trauma. She answered a few questions, said it was all behind her and we should just look to the future.

In other words, she wanted to rugsweep it, and I joined her.

It was not good for either of us. Anniversaries of her telling would stir terrible emotions. I grew sullen and bitter.

In 2003, I begged her to help me and that we needed help.

She told me if I didn't drop it, she'd divorce me and I'd never see my kids again.

I was codependent by then, and I folded. And I grew angrier and more bitter.

In 2013 or so, we had added two more kids, and she was as miserable as I was. She went to therapy to learn how to live with a terrible husband.

As she learned about herself and dealt with childhood issues, she grew emotionally healthy. In 2016, at the anniversary of our DDay, she asked me if I was still in pain over her cheating.

She had never even considered I might still be hurting. She had rewritten history so that every marital problem was due to me.

We started ICs separately with occasional marriage counseling. She came to learn that she was the lion's share of what was wrong in our marriage.

She found empathy and did the work. And I got another DDay.

She confessed to the full scope of the first 3 APs. Then she added several more. One of those was the PA ashe was in back in 1994, the same time she was confessing to the first three.

She has admitted to 7 APs. She got the kids DNA tested to prove they were mine, and they are.

It's now 4.5 years. We did a ton of therapy. We're in a pretty decent spot.

It's not great. It's less happily ever after and more okay-ever-after. I don't feel love for her anymore, but I choose to act loving. Neither of us likes that very much, but after years of lies and trickle truths and everything, it is what it is.

at this point IC is needed

you must face that you may never get the full truth.

though you need to have your WW do a polygraph.

i assume your WW no longer works there.

also i have to ask if you know the OM name. if you

do you need to tell the OMW, other mans wife, about

the affair.

It has been 26 years since I discovered my XW's serial cheating. We divorced, so my situation is different.

But, back then, as in your situation, there was no internet, no support. And, the common advice I got was to " just get over it". Plus, I basically kept it o myself, especially after getting the aforementioned response from the very few I confided in.

Back then, folks would never buy that this was really traumatic. No one would ever consider it abuse. I finally got counseling in 2006 and got some help, some validation.

Back then when this happened to you, Did you get counseling for you? Were you unsupported, as I was?

I wonder, since it happened so long ago, before cheaters were known to be abusers and infidelity was not thought to be as traumatic as it is, has your wife done anything to eduucate herself about exactly how traumatizing and abusive infidelity is.

There was so much misinformation about it and it was viewed as no big deal, even glamorized.

Welcome, RaleighGuy - I am glad you found us; you will find a wealth of support here. I joined this site 13 years ago and I can honestly say that it saved my life.

I have been married for almost 37 years - FWH had 2 As at the 20ish year mark of our M. Luckily for me, I (him as well) had lots of IC/MC in the aftermath, yet the scar of infidelity will always be part of our M.

The reason why you're still hurting is because she has chosen to basically rugsweep her infidelity. This never works for the BS; in fact, it causes permanent heartache because you never got concrete answers or contrition. Her going berserk and begging you not to leave was not remorse; it was regret at getting caught and she did not want to lose the comforts of a good, kind and faithful H. Those tears were for her and her alone. Did she ever say that she was sorry for hurting YOU? Or was it, "I don't want to lose you?"

My FWH had to get to the bottom of his issues and that took 2 years of IC just to get at the root of it - lots of digging and dealing...your W has not done this.

You suffered a trauma 40 years ago and it's not been addressed...going by what I read in your post, you likely have PTSD. Your brain is not going to let go of that baggage so I am not in the least bit surprised that you're still having triggers/nightmares.

I would strongly suggest that both of you begin IC - separately - so she can get to the whys of her brokenness(because to some degree it is still there) and you can get help for the PTSD. I did EMDR and neurofeedback to help with the mind movies and rage that would overcome me at the damndest times.

I cannot tell you whether to stay or go at this point...I chose to stay...but only because FWH moved heaven and earth to become a safe partner to me.

Sending strength,

Lala

Raleigh glad you found SI.

Went and read your profile. Wow the burden of caring this for all of these years has obviously taken it's toll on you.

I guess the first thing I would ask you is are you just here to vent or are you really wanting to get the answers to the questions you've had for FORTY YEARS??!

None of this is your fault and you should not feel like a fool.

That said what is your fault is rug sweeping and not holding your wife accountable for what you found.

Let's cut to the chase Raleigh. You're at the fork in the road. You can continue to rug sweep this and every few years have the emotions start to boil up again, or, you can do what you've never really done. That's pressing your wife for the answers you need.

Your wife gets "annoyed" that you bring this up and gets frustrated with you? She just wants you to drop this and forget about it.

So the question is Raleigh how is this working for you over the past forty years?

Based upon what you've said it doesn't appear to working for you and understandably so.

Your wife was obviously cheating on you and you chose to stick your head in the sand and ignore it. I get it and I certainly understand why you did it. I am not judging you Raleigh.

Your wife never suffered any consequences for her lies and betraying you.

She is not going to come clean after FORTY YEARS unless you do something different and the only option I can see that you have at this juncture is to demand that she take a poly.

You've been carrying her bullshit for WAY too long.

If she doesn't have anything to hide she should be willing to do anything to help you heal.

We can talk about doing a poly but what are you going to do if she takes it and she fails?

What are you going to do at that juncture? Leave her?

Your gut has been SCREAMING at you for years and you've ignored it.

Is it safe to safe the reason why you never really pressed the issue is you were afraid of finding out what was really going on?

The fork in the road of where you find yourself is if you're going to continue to let fear control you which has basically meant you have done nothing and just rug swept this OR are you finally going to face your fears and do what you have to do to get answers NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL THE TRUTH MAY BE?

If you are not willing to face your fears and have the courage to finally take action to get the answers that you should have had FORTY YEARS ago than this is just a big waste of time and you'll continue the process of trying to deal with this every few years, get nothing, and so on and so on.

I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you what I would do.

I would find a reputable place in your area to do a poly.

Than tell your wife that you are scheduling it.

Her reaction should be VERY revealing to you.

If she refuses and just wants you to drop it (because this is what you have done for forty years) you're going to have to DEMAND that she takes it.

If she refuses to take it you're filing divorce papers the next day (and you NEED TO BE PREPARED TO DO THIS RALEIGH or you're just wasting your time......AGAIN).

If she says she will take it follow through and make her do it.

A lot of times they'll say they will do it than back out.

You might get a parking lot confession where she starts to tell you some stuff that she hasn't in the past......still go through with the poly.

You came here looking for help.

Get the poly set up and the people here at SI can help you with the questions to ask at the poly.

Something else to think about Raleigh. Yes your wife has been lying to you all of these years, but you know what, how can you expect her to be truthful with you when you have also been lying to yourself.

You want the truth.....FINALLY?

Make the choice to quit lying to yourself and than what are you prepared to do to get the truth???

Are you prepared to potentially lose your wife if you go down this road and find out (or get confirmation) the truth? Things that you already have known about but refused to face.

Raleigh......at the end of the day you can't change what you're unwilling to confront.

Don't beat yourself up about this but it's very apparent by your own words that you have been UNWILLING to confront this and the main reason why is fear.

You going to let fear continue to enslave you or are you willing to do what you have to do to break the shackles off of what's been controlling your mind for FORTY YEARS?

We all have one shot at this thing called life.

You obviously do NOT have peace. The peace you're seeking is going to require you to face your fears and to TAKE ACTION.

So what is it going to be Raleigh?

More lies to yourself or to say FUCK IT I DEMAND THE TRUTH NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL IT MAY BE???

You are not alone. I found SI 30 years after the infidelity events, and we have been processing for 5 years. The healing doesn’t start until you have truth. We did not do a polygraph, but instead I have used sisoon’s method of asking many questions from many different angles, until the complete picture made sense.

RaleighGuy, My story is very similar to yours. You can read my bio and several posting I made for more details. I had a SEVER flashback about 5 years ago and I know the benefit of IC. it’s a must for you to be able to face your own demons. Please choose an IC who has experience with Infidelity and PTSD. You can come out the other side. Please do it.

Let me start by saying thanks to all who have responded up to this point. I've tried to bury this whole deal for so long it is really a good feeling to finally talk about it.

The old expression "misery has company" plays in here, as well. While I would NEVER wish an affair on anyone, I find solace in the fact that I am not alone and that some of you have had experiences uncannily similar to my own.

Rather than answer each post separately, here's a summary and some questions:

* I have not had counseling related to the affair. In fact, I haven't confided this to anyone at all.

* I am specifically looking for IC from someone who is experienced with infidelity. Had not considered expanding that to include PTSD therapy; that's a great suggestion. Will add that to the search criteria.

* It's my belief the trigger for the most recent turmoil is my rapidly approaching retirement. Do I want to go into the last major phase of my life with the hurts and doubts?

* If someone asked me a week ago about getting a polygraph test for my WW, I would have said that was something only available to law enforcement. A quick search on the web has been an eye opener. Not only is it available, but every single ad I looked at prominently mentioned infidelity testing. In fact, it is often the first thing on the list of their capabilities. Learn something new everyday.

* It's good to look before you leap: With that in mind, what are the possible negatives about asking your spouse to submit to a polygraph?

Early on, the decision to join here is looking better by the minute...........

Oldtruck: What benefit would I get from telling the wife of the OM about the affair? I definitely know who he is. I tracked him down (he no longer lives here) roughly 10 years after the discovery of their affair. I know where he and his wife currently live and could probably find a way to contact her.

But, why would I want to do this?

Hey Raleigh. Advising the Other BS is because everyone deserves to live an honest truthful life. What if the OBS is having the same issues as you but never knew about the PA? What she has spent 40 years dogged by a nagging feeling, but not really knowing? By knowing the truth, she can make her own choices to live her life authentically.

The damage from affairs is not just the betrayal. It’s that we don’t get to choose our own paths. If we had known the scope of the affairs, we may have made very different, life-altering decisions, but the secrets mean we never even had a chance to consider all our options.

Glad you are looking in to IC —infidelity is a mind f*ck, and it really helps to have IC to help us wrestle with it and why we put up with it. (My XWH had a two year affair— my gut was screaming the whole time, but I chose to not see it. So many of us do that... )

Hang in there. Please vent away here- I am sure now that you have opened up, there is a lot going on in your head.

RG, BearlyBreathing is spot on but I'd also like to add - it's possible that OM's wife knows things that you don't. Maybe she caught OM talking to your WW 10 years ago. Maybe she already knows and chose not to tell you but can give you some of the answers you are looking for. Maybe OM will admit to her some of the things your WW is lying about. And if she knows, there is very little chance that your WW and OM will reach out to each other in the future. Truth is, no one knows the full extent of the A. Maybe your WW really hasn't talked to OM since the A ended or maybe she's been sending him the occasional email to catch up and reminisce every so often which would still be a continuation of an EA. It's too early to tell and OBS could be a great tool in figuring out the truth. Even OBS getting the exact same story from OM as what your WW is saying is still useful information for you.

Your wife claims it was before you two were married. Does she say he was married or not yet at the time? That matters as to what or if to tell the OBS.

I would tell your WW that because of the lingering questions and unresolved pain she caused, she must tale a poly. If at that time she fights it, deflects, denies, puts blame on you for not getting over it, I would at that time consider other options then, such as possibly telling OBS.

Telling the OBS is almost always a good thing. Hiding it from an OBS for 40 years then telling her may create added complexities. I can hear an OBS "I could have left this unhappy M 40 years ago if I had known this.....thanks for nothing".

To add to the challenges of telling the OBS, what if her husband says exactly what your wife said:

She swears it ended before we got married

Then it creates a them against you. What would you tell the OBS - "I'm pretty sure but not positive my wife cheated with your H 40 years ago.......maybe."

I would first use the choice to tell the OBS as leverage to get your WW to a poly, which could lead to a parking lot confession of more facts. Of course, it could also lead to the most common cheater strategy......"I want to tell you everything you need to know...........but I can't remember the details." In which case, too, I would consider letting a poly help her memory.

I say take the poly track first. If she denies offering that option, makes you the bad guy for suggesting, refuses to offer empathy and remorse.......do you really need to see or know any more?

Well, well, well. Not even one full week on SI and I had the biggest breakthrough in decades with my WW yesterday.

This place rocks!

After reviewing replies in this strand, I decided sit WW down in the formal dining room and put everything out on the table. She was told there were things she has said about the affair that I simply do not believe and there are other items I want more details on.

She finally admitted what I've known all along..........the affair continued after we got married. But hearing it was a helluva' gut shot.

One caveat: She told me this after I asked her to take a polygraph test. Up till then, she had denied several more times. Is this likely to be a "parking lot confession"?

She also had a couple of "I can't really remember - it was a long time ago" bouts. She wasn't allowed to get away with it yesterday and she won't in the future. She is now abundantly aware I view memory lapses as evidence of untruthfulness.

We're going to talk again this afternoon. I've let her know our marriage is on life support. Whether she believes I'm serious this time - and won't drop the topic after a week or two doesn't matter to me at all.

Monday morning I will begin screening several poly administrators I found yesterday and this morning and select one. WW will be told when I am about to pay for it (they all understandably want payment in advance and there are no refunds) At that point, I'll ask her again if there's anything else she'd like to tell me. If no, I'll click send and let the pieces fall where they may after the results of the poly. I fully expect to get more unbelievably y painful revelations. My gut is seldom wrong.

Thanks-a-Million to each and everyone of you who offered suggestions. I may not like where this thing ends up, but I have resolved to follow it all the way through to final conclusion.

One other item: I have begun looking for a means to get the phone number of the wife of the guy who had the A with my WW. Any suggestions on how that might be accomplished is appreciated.