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No matter what Raleigh follow through on the poly even if she confesses new info in the parking lot or on the drive over.

Also SI can help you with the questions to be asked during the poly.

Have her write a timeline of her affair (who, what, where, when, including why did it end/was she dumped) - and then you polygraph off of the timeline. For sure, she remembers why/how it ended.

Inform her that any additional details may make it difficult to R - but any further lies or withholding information discovered by the polygraph will result in a guaranteed divorce.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 3:23 PM, August 30th (Sunday)]

Just google the OM's name and city & state.

You'll get ads for deeper reports but often the free information (address, spouse, phone, previous addresses) is enough.

I've had good luck with the 'white pages'.

BTW: use his wife's name (which will appear in the search) to verify you've got the right person.

I suggest seeing an IC instead of a MC.

Good luck!

Stories like yours I always find especially painful. To discover that your spouse betrayed you is terrible enough but when you add to that the fact that she lied for the entire duration of your marriage (a marriage that spans the better part of your life and dare I say lifetime) and only gave you the truth when you proverbially held her feet to the fire only adds to all the emotions and feelings you are experiencing.

I hope that she is now willing to provide you with the entire truth of what she did and do all that she can to help you.

Also please remember that even though she is your wife she has also demonstrated in the most definite manner that she is also a liar and cheat. I would be very very surprised if she told you everything and that if everything she told you is the truth. It usually comes out in drips hence the term trickle truth.

If I may ask how old are you and your wife? And how did she react when you sat her down and held firm with your questions this time?

Finally, I wish you all the strength that you will need go through this and to find the healing and peace you desire.

Bluewater: I am 64 and WW is 61.

How did she act when I confronted her a few days ago? Initially her reaction was shocked - and genuinely so. There's no faking the reaction she gave when I brought the topic up and told her our marriage hinged on whether the complete truth came out.

BUT.....

For three consecutive days I have asked her very specific questions about the affair and whether there have been others. For some of the questions - especially those about the timeline - she claims to be unable to remember. I simply do not believe her. My gut feel about this has been validated by other responders in this thread. Evidently this is a ploy often tried by cheaters to avoid divulging the truth.

As for the other questions she has answered thus far, even if the answers sound genuine and plausible, I long ago admitted to myself she has the ability to lie quite convincingly and has completely deceived me in the past.....

.....Hence the reason I am proceeding with the poly exam. There are two elements to the affair that rise above others in importance to me. One of them is the actual start/end times of the relationship. The other hot button is whether there has been any other infidelity - before or after we married.

There are very few things in life I believe I am 'owed" in any fashion. But I believe my WW OWES me answers to those two questions in particular. If anyone here has a different viewpoint, by all means let me know your rationale so I can consider it before the poly.

Looking for feedback on my strategy with the poly exam:

I am in the process of asking her questions about everything I have suspicions or doubts about. I have been quite forthright with her - She KNOWS these topics are going to come up again during the exam.

When the invoice from the chosen examiner has been sent to my Inbox I plan to remind WW that failing to show up for the exam will not go well for her and us. There will be no 2nd chances.

And if the exam determines she has not been truthful in her answers over the last few days, it will result in the immediate end of our marriage.

(Those are words I would not dream of saying one week ago. My.......Amazing how a little knowledge & wisdom gained on SI has changed my perspective and resolve!)

If she tells me at that point to go ahead and pay for it, I will do so. But she will be told this is a point from which she cannot turn back. If there are things she has been untruthful about it's time to spill the beans. If she doesn't reveal anything additional at that time, any deception detected by the exam will result in our marriage endingr.

I am possibly one of the biggest advocates for the truth on this site and think that in all marriages it’s a basic requirement for reconciliation.

I also think the truth is the best base to build the decision on if you want to R or D from.

So definitely go through with a polygraph.

But…

Be clear on some things. For one if your WW thinks discovering another affair might end the marriage then she has no reason to be truthful now. If her options now are telling the truth and you file or trying to fake a poly and maybe getting away with it… well… at least there is a slight chance for her.

I would suggest you sit your wife down and tell her that NO MATTER WHAT she shares now then you won’t automatically divorce her. You will give yourself 3-6 months to digest and evaluate what you can do and what changes she might make. But you need the TRUTH. Make it clear to her that any truth she shares NOW will do less damage than any truth a poly might reveal or you might realize a year from now. Tell her this offer is off the table if she fails the poly so the only way to ensure your marriage remains on life-support with the chance of surviving is total honesty.

Make it clear that if she fails the poly it will indicate strongly to you that despite the long marriage and your offer to reconcile then she doesn’t trust you. That lack of trust will make you doubt it’s even worth trying to reconcile. It will move the marriage into a place where you might think it best to turn off the life-support system.

Then ask the questions. Get the answers. Build your story.

There can be reasons for I don’t remember, depending on the questions asked. She might not remember if she wore the red dress or the blue suite when she broke it off, if it was the Wednesday after Christmas or the Tuesday after New Years. But she should remember the major factors. The ones that do count in our recovery.

Polygraphs are a bit misunderstood. They can be used to garner factual truths from the person questioned, but those truths are only as true as the person believes them to be true. Like if I really believed I was Napoleon then I could pass a poly on that question. Some of the questions she might be answering “I don’t remember” might really be lost in time to her.

A certified operator will recognize those questions and reword them if possible.

The poly shouldn’t really reveal new truths but rather verify the truths already told. If your WW says this OM was the only one she had an affair with then a poly could support that statement. It could also refute it.

IMHO a poly needs to be a watershed moment. It’s where you decide if you are willing to work on reconciliation, or if it’s best to start looking long and hard at divorce.

IMHO a poly needs to be a watershed moment. It’s where you decide if you are willing to work on reconciliation, or if it’s best to start looking long and hard at divorce.

Agreed. This is where I am now. My WW did the poly in December and failed. Then I had a false heart attack scare and the pandemic lockdowns began so I put off moving forward with divorce. I told her earlier this month I want a divorce and have been moving forward since then.

Bigger: Thanks for the input and good recommendations. Since re-opening discussion of the affair several days ago, I have made it abundantly clear each and every time we talk that until I click the payment button for the polygraph, she can change, alter or admit to anything else. She also is told every time I question her that I will try to work through anything she tells me - no matter how hurtful it is.

BUT........It has been made known repeatedly that if it turns out that she refuses to go to the examination or if the examination reveals she is untruthful, there is no recourse - I will divorce her.

By the way: The comment you made about her having nothing to lose by attempting to lie on the exam rather than telling me details she believes will result in a divorce.....Well, that's dead on. Never thought of it that way but you are absolutely correct. Hope that doesn't turn out to be the result.

Thumos: It's okay if you don't wish to answer this. But I am curious as to what your WW said when you informed her you knew she had not been truthful?

Did she try to blame it on the exam being wrong or inaccurate?

Did you offer her the chance to admit more details? (aka: Come clean)

RG,

That's an odd thing about infidelity it never completely goes away like a stone embedded in each new pair of shoes you buy. Society at large trivializes cheating like it was a bug bite temporary and easily forgotten.

The OMW may also know details about the affair you never heard or that your WW is omitting or minimizing. For example if the OM was found out he may have said told his BW of other affairs your WW had. OM will do stuff like that in order to make themselves appear less guilty. The old claiming the WW was a whore and she seduced him, also known as throwing the cheating partner under the bus.

survrus. Thanks for your input. Never considered the possibility the OM may have already been discovered by his wife and could have provided her with names of other affairs my WW may have had. Terrific suggestion!

This is one more very good reason to find her contact information.

Now, if I can only find out how to go about obtaining this information!

RG, I wouldn't hesitate to reach out to the OW, since they were married at the time. I think she would appreciate it.

Or you could reach out to the OM and use the threat of revealing it to the OW as a wedge to get "the truth" from him.

Look up the username "rixter" on here. I think if you are platinum you can see his original posts. Similar story, minus the lies. Even if your spouse was completely honest at the time, the pain doesn't automatically go away. It's obviously worse when you've been lied to for years. Set your expectations accordingly.

Our stories are kind of similar, but I literally went for a decade or two without even thinking about it. What's past was past. But then...similar kind of thing. You get into the "what does it all mean" years and open up dusty corners where you haven't looked in years. My wife tried the "are you going to hold that against me forever" line, but my comeback to her was that there are two things wrong with an affair: 1) the cheating and 2) the lying. While the cheating stopped, the lying didn't. As we stand here right this second the affair continues, far as I am concerned.

Then I told her we would probably divorce, but maybe not if she was honest.

Sending strength!

HouseOfPlane Thank-you for your response.....much appreciated!

I am a Platinum member. But I have been unable to find a way to access other members' profiles. None of the names in the forums are hyperlinked (at least not for me, anyway) so I can't click on them. And I have yet to find a place that would allow me to search a member name.

Any recommendations?

Click on the “my profile” button to see your own profile, then enter rixter or anyone else into the “search profiles for” box. Blammo,, there you are!

House of Plane: That field does not appear anywhere on my profile or elsewhere on the site.

Raleigh good that you're taking heed to what Bigger said. Very insightful!

As I said previously I definitely think it would behoove you to list the questions you want to ask during the poly to get feedback from the wisdom of SI members.

Thumos: It's okay if you don't wish to answer this. But I am curious as to what your WW said when you informed her you knew she had not been truthful?

Did she try to blame it on the exam being wrong or inaccurate?

Did you offer her the chance to admit more details? (aka: Come clean)

I don’t mind saying. You can read more in a lengthy thread here in reconciliation. I told her four weeks ago I want a divorce.

In short she created an elaborate psychodrama around the polygraph and then laid the failure at the feet of her anxiety.

She said the usual things - that she had told me everything etc. I don’t believe her but since I told her I want a divorce the funny thing is I don’t care anymore whether she wants to be truthful or not

Booyah: I appreciate every single bit of wisdom and input I receive here.

Having said that, the post you entered on this thread (page 1, Friday, August 28 8:00 PM) has been the single most impactful one. It was truly a 'wake up call' for me. It changed my resolve to put this behind me one way or another - regardless of good/bad outcome.

The very next morning after reading your words, I sat my WW down and cross-examined her at length about things she claims that I simply don't believe. I asked if she would submit to a poly. AND........I set the appointment for the poly today. In two weeks (hate it's going to take this long!)_ I am going to know much more than I know right now.

After I mentioned the poly, she admitted to one item that she had been denying each time I asked her over the years since I found out. I am wondering if this was a "oarking lot confession" in hopes of getting me to drop the idea of the exam.

Just told her a short while ago about the appointment. She didn't say much, but there was a change in her demeanor. Wondering if I will hear more revealed between now and the exam........My gut says yes, but I am sincerely hoping there was nothing more as she is insisting.