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The 'S' word...

NeverTwice posted 8/12/2020 15:28 PM

I need some advice from the good people of SI.

Was it awkward the first time you had sex after losing your cheater? Did you feel any sort of regret or guilt after the first time resuming sex? I am definitely worried about that. Should I get her some flowers?

And what are some good ideas for Saturday - providing we have sex Friday? I was thinking about this. Get up Saturday morning, go have brunch at a well known local 5 star hotel. And reserve a room for later that night. Maybe that would be a better place for flowers and a nice bottle of wine and an antipasto plate?

I want this to be a special occasion (as if you could not tell already!). Shoot me some ideas guys!

💖

Okokok posted 8/12/2020 15:49 PM

Was it awkward the first time you had sex after losing your cheater?

Yeah, kinda! But in a super fun, smiley, on-the-same-wavelength sort of way. First-time sex with a new partner is often not at 100% perfection anyway. That's ok especially if you're super into each other and being communicative. In fact, I think it's all part of the fun.

Did you feel any sort of regret or guilt after the first time resuming sex?

Great question. NOPE. The opposite of that. However, if I'm remembering right, there may have been some very quick flashes in my brain, in the moment, of something like "holy shit, this definitely isn't my wife!"

Should I get her some flowers?

Who doesn't like flowers??

And what are some good ideas for Saturday - providing we have sex Friday?

Will this be at your place, hers, or somewhere else? If you're going to be on your home turf, for either day, I'd suggest something sweet and thoughtful, like having some fresh fruit and good drinking water and clean towels available.

Everything else you've thought of sounds awesome. You're going to have a pretty amazing weekend, I think

devotedman posted 8/12/2020 16:01 PM

I've always been a fan of showering together. Soap up a wash cloth and be gentle. Be careful of washing hair, though, unless you're experienced washing someone else's hair. Get your fingers In a knot and that can hurt

devotedman posted 8/12/2020 16:02 PM

dup

[This message edited by devotedman at 4:02 PM, August 12th, 2020 (Wednesday)]

JanaGreen posted 8/12/2020 17:04 PM

You are so sweet and thoughtful. I think your plan sounds wonderful!

I did not feel any guilt whatsoever but I had been celibate for over two years at that point.

I did feel a little bit awkward simply because I was self-conscious about being naked in front of somebody new, especially since my ex deliberately tore down my self-esteem in that regard. But my partner showered me with praise and that helped tremendously. And the sex was kinda awkward because it takes a while to figure each other out. By round 3 or 4 (not the same night, lol) it was great.

I hope you have a wonderful time!

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 5:04 PM, August 12th (Wednesday)]

Phoenix1 posted 8/12/2020 19:30 PM

Your plan sounds nice. My first post D go-round was in a very nice hotel that has a rooftop restaurant. It was just before Christmas so the hotel was all decked out and had a huge gingerbread village display, so we did a lot of walking around doing touchy-feely stuff along the way.

The first time was incredibly awkward. But I think that is expected since you don't really know which buttons to push for your partner. XSO did a good job of trying to make me feel more comfortable being naked in front of someone else after decades of Xhole. I was VERY self-conscious, especially in light of the physical damage child birth can leave behind. His kind words were *somewhat* comforting in that regard. That first time wasn't exactly fireworks, but it wasn't so bad I didn't want to try again to make it better! And, in time it definitely got much, much better.

So I think there is some expectation management that is needed right out of the gate.

Have fun!

EvenKeel posted 8/13/2020 08:12 AM

My 'S' post D has been excellent!!!

At first, I attributed that to the 1st post-D I was with. But it turns out he wasn't special - it is just plum better now!!!!

Now I am not sure it is age, state of my mind, or the fact that I was thrilled knowing my ex would not be the last person I was with. Or the fact that once you don't trust someone, it kills apart of you?

In any case, I decided "Hey - this is what my body is now'. I am middle age, have kids, am plus-sized, etc. Those are all things your partner clearly knows about you even with your clothes on and they still want to be involved with you.

I found my first R's post D to be very sensual. I could get lost in just his essence.

Again - he turned out to be a jerk...so it wasn't him being special. It was my state of mind.

So I advise that - delving into your own thoughts and acceptances and just enjoy. Any awkwardness can be laughed at together, etc.

I am very excited for you!

(Yes - buy her flowers or something if that is what you are feeling!)

NeverTwice posted 8/13/2020 11:27 AM

Hi everyone,

Here is a brief update. We had a really nice conversation last night about what we were both looking for in a new relationship. And we also discussed each other's expectations and how we can help manage them in a healthy way.

And I am excited to say that we are both:

1. Interested in seeing where this goes.
2. Are now exclusive.
3. Are BOTH ready to bring sex into the
relationship.

So - new plans for this weekend.

First we are going shopping early Friday. Then I need to get the doggies taken care of for the weekend - thankfully my neighbor's son is going to house-sit for me and look after the dogs and house.

I have booked a 2 night romantic weekend package from the aforementioned 5 star property for Friday and Saturday night(s). Dinner reservations for 7:00 p.m. both nights - 2 different restaurants. Breakfast from room service both mornings as well.

And I have arranged for fresh flowers each morning too. I really want to spoil her...no - spoil US! We are not driving either - Uber XL all the way!

So - while I know parts of this will be awkward and probably a few of those moments will be humorous But I think we just might be able to stumble our way through it

Justsomeguy posted 8/13/2020 16:31 PM

Being intimate after my S was awkward. I wasn't emotionally ready. One thing I discovered was how meh the sex was with my W, compared to an emotionally present woman. I cannot believe I waited 50 years for this. I will never settle for less that full emotional investment again.

I am going out on a limb here, but I wonder if man WSs are sexually inadequate? I don't mean having sex, but being emotionally connected to their partner. How can they be when they often lack empathy and see the world as transactional?

NeverTwice posted 8/13/2020 20:21 PM

Hey Justsomeguy!

This...

I am going out on a limb here, but I wonder if man WSs are sexually inadequate? I don't mean having sex, but being emotionally connected to their partner. How can they be when they often lack empathy and see the world as transactional?

You might be onto something there. And it made me SO happy to hear you say this...

I cannot believe I waited 50 years for this. I will never settle for less that full emotional investment again.

Yes!!! And, while both late hubby and I could separate sex and love, most people cannot do it. However...

The greatest sex - in my life experience - has been with a long term partner where we shared our hopes, dreams and desire with each other.

I can tell when someone is 100% into me and there is almost no better feeling in the world than that. You can see it in their eyes...

And I loved watching his face when his orgasm hit. It made me happy that I could give him so much pleasure! And this weekend MAYBE turns out to be a weekend I will either:

1. Laugh and smile until I meet the
grave. Have a blast, eat fine food and have
sex until we need a break
2. Want some bleach to purge it from my brain

[This message edited by NeverTwice at 8:22 PM, August 13th (Thursday)]

deena04 posted 8/14/2020 23:10 PM

It was not awkward for me because the gentleman I have been with itís just thatÖ A gentleman. He is unlike anything Iíve ever experienced. With that, he is someone I fully trust. I thought I would never say that again. We have taken things very slowly and it took a while for me to be able to say I trust him, but that is my own messed up mind.

NeverTwice posted 8/15/2020 13:05 PM

Hi all,

Quick update for y'all!

OMG...

Well - a bunch of you guys were calling it pretty accurately. First time? Awkward - but fun and informational - and the subsequent times? It just kept getting better.

We had brunch this morning and fresh flowers (she LOVES the flowers too!) today and now we are going to venture out while were are downtown.


So - it's been a dream

Will update this with more later on

devotedman posted 8/15/2020 13:27 PM

Congratulations!

WhoTheBleep posted 8/15/2020 15:08 PM

Yaaayyyy!!!!

JanaGreen posted 8/15/2020 23:20 PM

Nice!!!!

StillLivin posted 8/20/2020 01:01 AM

hah, I wouldn't know. I have not met anyone, therefore, no sex in over 7 years.
But good luck.

Tallgirl posted 8/30/2020 07:24 AM

So nice to hear. Way to go

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