SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Look AHG having sex is a biological impulse. You are still married to her and maybe it was a primal instinct in you at reclaiming what was once yours (yeah I know politically incorrect but still). Just be clear on that point with her. If you want to rub it in say ‘“I’ve never been with another woman and won’t unless we divorce”.

Let her know that if she is serious about reconciling then she needs to ditch ‘friends’ that encourage a cheating lifestyle. Make this point known and see her reaction.

She might not be fully truthful about the reason for the tattoo. Red tulips, like in many flower, symbolize a deep love. It’s about passion and romance. By getting the red tulip tattoo, you are saying you feel passionate about someone or something. Who was she thinking about? And as others have mentioned it is a great conversation starter in a bar. I’ve done it, sometimes it opens up possibilities.’

You do need those std tests and poly if u want to reconcile. It is your life and if your partner is remorseful there is nothing wrong and less manly about it.

Wants to meet up with her double dating partner. Classy. All sorts of R material right there.

Looks like given enough rope, she will hang herself. (In the figurative sense.....Not literally...for those who cannot grasp idioms)

One of the prime benefits of separation is disengagement. To clear your head and figure out what you want. To do this you need distance, both physically and emotionally, from her.

Keep contact to a minimum and primarily about the kids. Do not let her into your mental/emotional space any more than is absolutely necessary.

I disagree sex for a married man of a long marriage is not a want but it is a need. Now it is controllable but it is still a need. Yes men and women can and do remain celibate but the reason one gets married is to have sex. You can have a close relationship with someone of the opposite sex and still not sin against God, except for the having of sex. That is as far as a Christian is concerned. That is why WW adultery is/was such a heinous crime to the marriage and in this case the husband. Also your aggressive first sex with her is common to a cuckold husband reclaiming his wife. She planed her approach with using her tattoo to catch your eye and used your need against you. She has been your lover/sex partner for a long time. She knew what would reel you in. I also agree that you need the full story as the story about the tattoo doesn't even sound complete. Did she have other men? Does each stsr represent one of her adulteress affair partners?

I don’t know what exactly happened but D never made it, if I had to guess maybe my mother -in-law brought some good sense to her. Fortunately I didn’t have to respond at all she just texted to let me know that D wanted to check on her But since I seemingly didn’t want that she canceled the meeting. she said we could talk about if I wanted.

There's no reason why you can't just tell her what you think. WS's cheat because there's a hole in their character which doesn't align their stated values with their actual deeds. So, your WW says she believes in Fidelity, but her belief was weak and permeable. Step one is her figuring out what she TRULY believes. If she chooses to adopt Fidelity as a core value, what's she willing to do to protect it?... BOUNDARIES. So let's say, after much consideration and soul-searching, she's decided she really does believe in Fidelity. But that's not enough, she's got to protect that belief. Part of doing that is allowing ourselves to be less tolerant of people whose values don't reflect our own. This is ass-backwards from the way our current social structure asks us not to judge. But the fact is that we make judgments every day, and when it comes to our boundaries, those judgments are necessary. If I meet a guy who's making fast and loose with compliments, I'm judging that he's trying to pick me up, I whip out my boundary and MAKE DISTANCE. If I meet a gal who wants to make me a confidante and tells me she's messing around, I whip out my boundary and MAKE DISTANCE.

Here's where the wicket gets sticky though... WS's are wayward for a reason. It's because they don't already have all that shit worked out. Seems like common sense to you and me. Our core values are strong and we've been maintaining our boundaries with the ease of breathing. But WS are fucked up. Either they never had it in them, or they've gotten it twisted. So, they need time to unravel it, and while many people would argue this point, I don't think it's wrong to provide guidance if you still have a vested interest. IOW, when WW asks "can I meet with D?", it's a perfectly okay option to tell her what you think and why you think it.

Regarding the sex, not to defend her but she didn’t lure me to it..

You have your signed settlement in hand, so whether you decide to have sex with your WW or not is up to you. While I will agree that "pussy-bombing" is a thing, I'm disinclined to think that's what your WW is doing. She's ALREADY SIGNED the settlement. Hysterical bonding can be the same for WS as for BS. It's a craving to reclaim and reconnect. For a remorseful WS, the urge is a genuine as your own. (For an unrepentant WS though... it's a manipulation tool. I don't think your WW falls into that category, but you will be the best judge of that.) HB creates a biochemical cocktail which floods the body and leads to "pair bonding". Dopamine, adrenaline, oxytocin, vassopressin, and a whole host of other adrenals, hormones, and neurotransmitters are what shape the relationship. Look up articles on "the science of love" for more information.

The long and short of it is that if you're exploring R, HB is a great tool for reestablishing emotional intimacy. But if you're pretty sure you want D, it invites confusion for both of you as your body receive one message and your mind insists upon another. If you're just not sure, and willing to explore, I say go for it. But if you know that underneath it all, you just want out, it's going to complicate things.

AH

In regard of D, I think there are 3 angles to consider

1 if your WW has to ask about meeting D, she already has her answer. R has no guarraties, by meeting with D she is showing her commitment level to R, so no, she is not willing to do everything to R.

2 you dont know what kind of information your WW gave about you to D, maybe D thinks you are a Monster as your WW pictured you that way, exageration, making stuff, to justify her A.

3 no Matter what your WW told D, she is not your friend, not even soneone you should aknodlege if meet. She should never keep a facade un front if you, not smoking. If you were shuch a horrible H she should had show you her disdain. Maybe she was aware if the leaving you plan so she was keeping apearances till plan was implented, well this speaks even less if D.

Your WW has a lot to explain. If I al not mistaken, she shaw the PI pics, she knows you know about D envolment.

Sorry, she seems still not to be R material

[This message edited by Mrhealed at 5:16 AM, September 6th (Sunday)]

AH

A couple of additional things.

As you already know, do not Belice her words, see her actions...

As far as you know, D may has passed a OM message to your WW. Feelings has not on off button, your WW still has feelings for OM

[This message edited by Mrhealed at 5:26 AM, September 6th (Sunday)]

Good Morning AH

You know I have defended your WW actions as just common cheater behaviors. Evil behavior always begets more evil, like the furnace and the first NC break. I thought she was learning remorse and does love you but this is seriously a mess-

Thanks everyone, well, I don’t know what exactly happened but D never made it, if I had to guess maybe my mother -in-law brought some good sense to her. Fortunately I didn’t have to respond at all she just texted to let me know that D wanted to check on her But since I seemingly didn’t want that she canceled the meeting. she said we could talk about if I wanted.

Someone asked how I knew D encouraged the A, my WW admited that plus there were many pictures in the PI report with her, the OM and D’s husband in a baseball game , and in a bar,.

WTF is wrong with her!!!! I am pissed off for you. Now you know how she is staying in contact with AP or at least you know she still has her head up her ass. Contact with D,! now I am about to take back any thoughts she might be R material. She really doesn't get it and she is getting her AP news from D. This is a breach of NC. Maybe you should just send her back to the ballgame with D, husband and AP. I thought she was reading books on infidelity, all say break contact with toxic friends and enemies of the marriage.

She is still lying about that damm tattoo also.

Hope you find this after a good night sleep.

Respectfully,

Organic2003

PS ChamomileTea probably has the explanation of "whats wrong with her"

WW is probably still has a place in her heart for AP, D feeds that

Never apologize to your wife for rough sex especially during HB

Tell your wife that her desire to communicate with D is f'up and she should just set up another double date to the ballgame she enjoyed sooo much. Damm I am upset for you

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 11:14 AM, September 6th, 2020 (Sunday)]

Hi AH

I was too busy earlier to have a complete response.

My brother thinks that the separation was a good idea but thinks that I should consider dating

This is what I said a week ago "are you sure you don't what to date for six months" I know this leads to a firestorm on SI regarding revenge affairs. It is probably too late to change now that it is part of your agreement with your wife. But she is still in contact with POSOM through D so I guess the agreement of NC did not work for her. Ya she is getting her fix of POSOM through D.

WW wanted me to allow my son back to work, I was like first I never fired him, second he said he never wanted to do HVAC for living and 3rd and more importantly he has never asked to come back.

LOL this reminds me of my daughter and I. FYI I have hired and employed thousands of people. I only fired a handful in 40 years. I bet I fired my daughter a dozen times, it was almost a running joke on how soon she would apologize and would be back. BTW, I raised her as a single father and she turned out great. I love that she calls me everyday.

Ah the challenges of hiring your children but it is all worth it. Love them, teach them and enjoy them. Talk to your son today, do not make him ask for his job back, even if that is the correct way. Offer him his job back, if he wants it back, give him a raise! I am serious with a raise after he accepts his job back!

Be proud of your son who probably has too much pride to ask you for his job back. Hell put your pride away and get him back with you on the job.

Have a great weekend AH

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 11:21 AM, September 6th, 2020 (Sunday)]

OP,

You do have a signed agreement but...

1) at the time your wife signed the agreement she was told sign the agreement or I will fill under fault.

2) your wife was crying or in an emotional state crying when signing,you

3) your wife did not have an attorney review the agreement prior to signing.

This like just about any agreement can be contested. Not sure she would prevail but it is not a long shot either.

Having the ability to file under fault would have made contesting almost meaningless.

The fact your wife would see someone who is an enemy of the marriage tells you all you need to know.

Oh well. Here we go. People on here start evaluating her every move with a microscope.

Her actions so far are light years better than most waywards.

She doesn't have a handbook to refer to.

AH ought to be able to make his decisions built on what he is experiencing. What are the intents of her interactions. Is she being honest and open.

She will make mistakes. That's to be expected, but leaving the home willingly speaks volumes to her commitment.

My God!!! This gets worse and worse every time I read what she did!!!

She not only went out on dates in public with POS, BUT SHE WENT OUT ON DOUBLE DATES WITH HIM?!?!?!

What the.......

AH, what else do you need to find out that she did for you to file?!?!?! I can’t imagine what she will admit to next!!!!

I’m sorry, I know you are hurting, but Jesus!!!!!!!

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 2:44 PM, September 6th (Sunday)]

Quick update; we are done with the D issue for good, She sent a barrage of text messages explaining that she didn’t want to meet with her but it was D who reached out and she just didn’t want to be rude to her and that D never encouraged the A but just respected my WW choices and didn’t want to judge her and bunch of other nonsense. I had enough and decided to call her because I just suck at typing and writing, I prefer talking, I told her that she’s a grown woman that can make her own decisions, I reminded her that she chose to replace me and planned for a life without me , and that I already excepted it and was ready to move on, and it was her who asked for another opportunity I told her even it hurt I swallowed my pride and didn’t file for divorce immediately but I would never tolerate D and her hypocrisy, I reminded her that D and her sorry ass husband went on many dates with her and the POSOM and every time she met me she gave me a fake hug and a kiss on my cheek. My WW agreed to limit her contact with D to work till she starts her new Job.

Other thing is she implicitly offered sex , maybe the love bombing some of you talked about, she said that it made her happy that we did it and in the eyes of God we are husband and wife so she is open to it if I want it, I want to ask about this but to not thread jack I will open a new thread.

WS's cheat because there's a hole in their character which doesn't align their stated values with their actual deeds. So, your WW says she believes in Fidelity, but her belief was weak and permeable. Step one is her figuring out what she TRULY believes.

CT is right about this and your WW needs an IC to help her. What was your response to the ‘husband and wife in the eyes of God’ bullshit? Did God tell her to do the OM?

Your wife has had the wisdom of........oh no one(that we know)

Seems so clear to us.....wonder how clear it is on the other side

She doesn't have internet access? She doesn't know how to Google? Seems this site is pretty easy to find, if one is trying to reconcile with their BS. She has this resource at her fingertips..if she looks for it.

So far, its obvious she hasn't.

I’m currently working but kept receiving texts fro my WW asking if she could meet her colleague D, I was ignoring her because I was too busy to think about it so I logged in here to ask your opinion, her POS friend D was encouraging her affair while smiling to my face when she sees me, my wife first message was to ask if was Ok for her to meet with D in a nearby coffee Shop, 10 minutes later she realized that I ignored her so she figured out that I didn’t like the idea so she said that D was coming to see her in her mom’s house instead and still asked if I was ok with it.

She’s asking bc she knows it is wrong. But the fact that she’s asking and doing it anyway is just more confirmation for most of us who said she isn’t really remorseful at all. A remorseful person wouldn’t be asking and wouldn’t be meeting with a “friend” who was an enemy to the marriage.

D never encouraged the A but just respected my WW choices and didn’t want to judge her and bunch of other nonsense.

IMO, the fact that your wife didn't want to insult D is evidence that D still thinks they're friends (which means they are still friends at work).

I'm glad you chose to talk vs text on something so important.

I understand from your recent post that D and her husband went on many double dates with your wife and the OM.

I agree with you that D's actions (if not D's words) clearly supported and validated/encouraged the affair.

I'm surprised that after all the counseling, reading, discussions (with you) and self analysis your wife does not understand (or refuses to admit) that D actively encouraged her affair (and is therefore not really a friend of hers).

Finally, IMO your wife (in an effort to be a safe partner) should be able to identify and then proactively eliminate people like D from her life.

True words ^^^^

One day at a time

So when she was on double dates with d and her husband, she didn't feel bad for you. And now she feels bad for d? Again, she would be disgusted with d if she was really wanting to distance herself from being the person who betrayed you for two years.

Clearly she did not or has not yet communicated with d that she would not be friends with her as she helped her destroy her own life. She also isn't disgusted with herself or her "friend" which is not great. If she read any books, even the foggiest of waywards would realize cutting out someone like this is step one. And she should be horrified to even have had a friend who would go on dates with her affair partner. Instead she wants to make you responsible for her having to end the friendship. Again, not good.

Other thing is she implicitly offered sex , maybe the love bombing some of you talked about, she said that it made her happy that we did it and in the eyes of God we are husband and wife so she is open to it if I want it, I want to ask about this but to not thread jack I will open a new thread.

AHguy, this is your thread to steer as you wish. I would keep all related discussion here if I were you.

I am not one to mince words or use euphemisms, if my raw talk bothers you let me know.

***

The sex and your wife encouraging more of it is not "Love Bombing", it's "Pussy Bombing".

Love bombing would be her literally showering you with love and respectful actions. Instead she has let loose a barrage of self-serving tactics to reel you back in.

Pussy bombing is the latest tactic, and frankly I think it is generally the most effective one.

By getting you have sex with her (Even if you were forward, with this encounter, if I recall correctly, she has mentioned/offered it before.) she has found a way to get through the wall you have put up to protect yourself.

But you see what that is worth as it pertains to her judgment and ability to understand right from wrong.

It would have been the simplest thing in the world for your wife to say to D: "I'm sorry, I'm trying to reconcile with my husband, and since you were a part of that world, we can't be socially in touch"

Or she could have literally said ANYTHING! "Today is not a good day, I'm super busy these days", or "I've got to wash my hair."

Instead, she puts this garbage on you. Of course she shouldn't meet with D! Of course if you have any inkling of reconciliation it would bother you for your wife to meet with D. IT SHOULD BOTHER YOUR WIFE!

***

Back to the offer of more sex and how God wants you to do it because he sees you as man and wife, when will you be tired of hearing that self-serving shit from someone who obviously doesn't truly care "what God wants", based on her actions?

Ugh.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 8:38 PM, September 6th (Sunday)]

Oh well. Here we go. People on here start evaluating her every move with a microscope.

Her actions so far are light years better than most waywards.

She doesn't have a handbook to refer to.

AH ought to be able to make his decisions built on what he is experiencing. What are the intents of her interactions. Is she being honest and open.

She will make mistakes. That's to be expected, but leaving the home willingly speaks volumes to her commitment.

What Paboy said is what I have said and believe. But this is a big "mistake", this is promoting humiliation.

MrsAH has been reading and if she understood remorse she would flat out be rude to D and tell D she and her husband are not friends, they are jerks. D is a hypocrite that has no problem enabling and promoting evil. D was smiling and kissing AH then promoting MrsAH to date the POSOM. MrsAH should easily have recognized that AH would be hurt by any date with D would be a problem.

D would be the kind of person who would help MrsAH contact the POSAP. She knows that. This is worse in my mind than the mindless furnace humiliation. D and MrsAH made AH look like a fool in there minds, the clueless BS. We have all seen these kind of people.

AH, MrsAH needs to read, I thought she already did read it. It is the manual and it is short.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

by Linda J. MacDonald

Would ChamomileTea, Thurmos, Bigger or any of the 75K good people on SI go on a double date with a cheating wife and her AP?! I know, that no one I know would even think to ask me out with a cheater and AP in tow.

D and her husband are POS and MrsAH should know better than shit test AH with stupid.

Now to the "is she being honest" I guess the timeline AH asked for will be a start.

Reconciliation must include complete honesty. I thought MrsAH was a good candidate but she just proved she still doesn't get it.

Sleep well AH