ChamomileTea, you are correct she has always been a people pleaser, friendly to a fault, that’s why I never thought she would do this to me, this woman sacrificed her time to volunteer, she has always been generous to others. You described her accurately, she is the type that would rather suffer than reject to help others. She was known within our family and friends as the reliable one. I know we only talked about her lies and adultery here. And rightfully so you all have a bad picture of her character, but she was never like that.
I can see why she felt intimidated to reject D’s contact, because knowing her she has always struggled to say no.
These are all fine qualities that we're taught socially to admire and respect... but they're also the same things which get a WS into trouble in the first place and part of what needs to be remediated in counseling. So, I agree with many others who have told you that the church pastor isn't enough for the job. She needs a good psychologist who is well versed in adultery in order to get down to the root of her "people-pleasing". When you think about it, people-pleasing is a straight shot to external validation of the ego, and it's the need for external validation which makes cheating such an attractive choice.
We ALL love to be complimented and most of us will work pretty hard to get those compliments, but the majority can do without if it comes to it. There are some people though, who aren't self-fruitful in the matter of their own self-esteem without seeing it through others. They don't just "want" that outside validation, they "need" it, and when it's "needed", it's unhealthy and interferes with appropriate boundaries. These are people who can't say 'no' without feeling bad, who are worried that other people will think less of them, thus confirming a negative self-image. That shit tracks back to childhood typically, and it needs strong therapy to correct.
This is how my WH got into trouble. He was an untreated CSA (child sexual abuse) survivor and a middle child, and although his childhood was otherwise a picture-perfect 1960's upbringing, he felt emotionally disconnected and insubstantial in the family structure. He acted out for attention, told tall tales, stayed out past curfew, etc. and became something of a black sheep, even though his antics were utterly tame by the standards of my own family. This "othered" him even further. Sometimes it doesn't take this much for a child to start down this "people pleasing" path and the source material is difficult to uncover. A well-trained professional can be instrumental in getting to the bottom of it. I do think you would do well to insist on professional counseling. Church pastors typically reinforce the generosity/giving message, but it sounds to me like your WW needs just the opposite... someone to help her build up her ability to say 'no'.
I may be nostalgic, but there are many reasons to love her, and my struggle with divorce is because I feel horrible of the thought of her being with someone else. I know this is wrong but I just can’t help it, that’s just how I feel.
This is NOT "wrong". It's how you feel. And it's how I felt too when it was me. I don't think it's just about jealousy either. That our WS will take up with someone else burns, no doubt about it. But there's also this weirdly protective element too when we've been together since our teens. We worry for what will happen to them. I knew that if I wanted revenge for what my WH had done to me, the best way to go about it would be to let him end up with that troll of an OW he had thought he wanted. His choices were for shit and I knew he'd end in misery without me. I'd had the care of him (and he of me) for my entire adulthood. It's like we can see the path before them more clearly than they can, and it's not good.
It's not bad or wrong to feel this way. It's just what is. You just ride with it and see how you feel as you process your injuries and emotions. You're still really early days, just two months out. It's okay to feel ambivalent and it's okay to keep your options open.
My WW texted me this morning to tell me that to prove that she would never contact D she is officially quitting her job tomorrow. She should be starting a new job September 28th . It will be a major pay cut compared to how much she’s made as realtor. and even if that doesn’t work she can easily get back to real estate with a different realtor. She shared that D was offended and sent her a nasty message. She also assured me that everyone that knew about her affairs are out of her life, I asked her who they were other than D? 2 ladies from her work and her former Gyn trainer, that was news to me . I asked who the guy was and how he knew, she replied “ I don’t want to hurt you any more, it is embarrassing “ I was like “ were you having an affair with your trainer too?” She said: “ Noooo, that’s not what I meant “ then admitted that the POSOM payed for her personal trainer to come to her Gym just for her.
I told her to include all that in her timeline
I think you did really well with this. The most important thing after an intimate betrayal is that there are no more lies. It doesn't matter what you ask, it matters that her answer is an honest one. She needs to understand that dishonesty creates more hurt than any factoid you might get at this point. Although, I will caution you again to spend time in consideration of what you really want to know. Every new piece of information creates a new trigger. There are some who will tell you that you need every single detail. But I believe that the experts are right when they tell us that details, particularly sexual details, can do more harm than good. What's important is that you know she'll answer your questions honestly. So have a care that you ask for what you need and that you don't allow morbid curiosity to run away with you... and it will if you let it.
