SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ya know bro. For a guy who keeps doing everything right, you sure get a lot of opinions.

Just saying. Keep doing what you are doing.

Oh well. Here we go. People on here start evaluating her every move with a microscope.

Her actions so far are light years better than most waywards.

She doesn't have a handbook to refer to.

AH ought to be able to make his decisions built on what he is experiencing. What are the intents of her interactions. Is she being honest and open.

She will make mistakes. That's to be expected, but leaving the home willingly speaks volumes to her commitment.

I COMPLETELY disagree with paboy, this frame of mine will lead you to wallowing and R at any cost. There is absolutely no room for the benefit of doubt that She didn’t know what she was doing, that D was not just not a friend of the M but a detriment. Be VERY careful of advice like that, it is WHAT you WANT to hear and is not only easy to follow but will lead you down the wrong path. Again, there is absolutely no room for giving your WW the benefit of doubt in her actions, rather her actions are EXACTLY what you should believe.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 9:49 PM, September 6th (Sunday)]

MrsAH has been reading and if she understood remorse she would flat out be rude to D and tell D she and her husband are not friends, they are jerks.

I'm not sure that's a realistic goal this soon after DDay. I suspect that the WW either has a comfort problem making character judgements or that she's a "people pleaser". Either of these are representative of conflict avoidance and typically need effective therapy to remediate, particularly "people pleasing" which can track back to substantial FOO issues.

On the plus side, she knew enough to ask. That's not nothing.

Sorry, I don't give her credit for 'asking'.

She knew better.

A better text from MrsAH would be: 'D reached out to me. I'm telling her to go .... herself since she was never a friend when I needed one most. I take full responsibility for what I did, but she has proven herself to be not a friend. I need to make better friends. I'm sorry, and I wanted to let you know.'

This woman (D) went on dates with her along with POSOM. And MrsAH, obviously, knows this. And she texts for 'permission' to meet with her... like wtf.

AHG,

Other thing is she implicitly offered sex , maybe the love bombing some of you talked about, she said that it made her happy that we did it and in the eyes of God we are husband and wife so she is open to it if I want it

As Admiral Ackbar so eloquently put it... "It's a trap!"

You will be trapping yourself if you continue to be intimate with her, as it just makes you more confused than you already are.

Anyway, why would you want pity/duty sex? Would'nt you want something that is more genuine?

Please do not give in to your lust. It will not serve you well, after all that you have been through, and the clear thinking you have done. Do not let the small head do the thinking and lead you to disaster.

On the plus side, she knew enough to ask. That's not nothing.

As usual ChamomileTea probably has the correct analysis and she is right, MrsAH asking IS a big positive.

It just hurts, I saw it a obvious that she would cut D out after Dday, never to mention the name again. To me it seemed so ugly that your WW would see the betrayal that D conspired in. WS mindset is as hard for me to understand as a thief's mind. Thank you CT for your perspectives.

My company was having a hard time one year with stolen tools. I suspected a particular newer employee, so I took him out on a job. During our conversations he disclosed that he was caught by his father after stealing a bike. His father said, it was ok to steal the bike because it wasn't locked, the owner must not have valued it, this man really believed it was ok to steal anything not locked up. FOO issues!

Your wife's father was a cheater and left the family if my memory is correct. I suspect she looked up to her Dad even though she knew how wrong he was. She learned from him, not from her hurt Mother, who probably hid the pain. Just a amateur thought on a FOO issue.

Sleep well AH

The best thing read in the last day of posts is that she needs to read Linda McDonalds books. Knowledge is power. Once she has a grasp of appropriate actions, and there is little indication that she is not fighting for her marriage, then you have a true indicator.

“FOO”

Old friend of every WW, and every BS desperately looking for a justification of some kind to begin R.

It's such a brilliant concept because it includes everything and nothing at the same time, so you can use it for any occasion, it's a bit like the color black, it looks good on everything.

I think that your WW asking to meet D isn’t the problem (thought you’d hope by now she wouldn’t need to ask and would have understood herself why she couldn’t.

The problem is that she puts the blame onto you when she realises she can’t. She makes it sound like you are being unreasonable I.e “I won’t do it just because you don’t like it” rather than “”I wasn’t sure but now you said no, I won’t do it because I understand this would be bad for our relationship”.

I won’t judge you WW too harshly as look, not everyone realises what they should do or says the correct thing all the time. I’d maybe just be on my guard in future and look for instances where her first reaction is to place blame on you for something that’s really a situational issue and not something that is based just on your wants.

I’d also avoid having sex with her, it muddies the waters and could cause issues with your separation if you appear to be forgiving what she has done by sleeping with her. It will make it harder for you to walk away from her and from your account of what she said, I think she is issuing it a bit as a tactic.

In regard to the tattoo. How many stars in it? Maybe I'm wrong but I think a star for every lover.

A tulip and stars have nothing to do with beauty and freedom.

[This message edited by Bonrob at 4:32 AM, September 7th (Monday)]

and in the eyes of God we are husband and wife so she is open to it if I want it

I wonder why God and marital status is only a requirement for her husband.

IMO if you don't see the improvement (e.g., the D incident) you're looking for it's time for her to consider a different therapist than her Pastor.

Once again folks here are arguing about stink bombs when a nuclear blast has occurred.

How could anyone "reconcile" in this situation? It doesn't matter that she "doesn't get it". It doesn't matter if she has FOO issues, most people do IMHO. It doesn't matter how sad her past actions make her now.

It just doesn't matter. Some things cannot be fixed.

AH

May be a good idea to discuss un MC how to comunicate better with your WW.

IMO you should have a clear way o express your comcerns to your WW, and she to you!

By no means I am justifying her doing in regard D, just saying that the interactions should be more fluids and faster

She says since in the eyes of God you're married so she wants to have sex with you?

But that didn't apply to her lover, just you?

Smmfh...

I'm sorry, AHG....I know this sucks.

You mean the POS other man did not buy your wife a new big home. All new furniture and a maid .?

You WW finally realized her dream man is a dream. And she living with her mother. That much be fun for her !!

You can see you are a better choice then her mother. Now the dream is smashed, She wants her old life back with you. She will do anything to get it back

I suspect that the WW either has a comfort problem making character judgements or that she's a "people pleaser". Either of these are representative of conflict avoidance and typically need effective therapy to remediate, particularly "people pleasing" which can track back to substantial FOO issues.

ChamomileTea, you are correct she has always been a people pleaser, friendly to a fault, that’s why I never thought she would do this to me, this woman sacrificed her time to volunteer, she has always been generous to others. You described her accurately, she is the type that would rather suffer than reject to help others. She was known within our family and friends as the reliable one. I know we only talked about her lies and adultery here. And rightfully so you all have a bad picture of her character, but she was never like that.

I can see why she felt intimidated to reject D’s contact, because knowing her she has always struggled to say no.

I may be nostalgic, but there are many reasons to love her, and my struggle with divorce is because I feel horrible of the thought of her being with someone else. I know this is wrong but I just can’t help it, that’s just how I feel.

My WW texted me this morning to tell me that to prove that she would never contact D she is officially quitting her job tomorrow. She should be starting a new job September 28th . It will be a major pay cut compared to how much she’s made as realtor. and even if that doesn’t work she can easily get back to real estate with a different realtor. She shared that D was offended and sent her a nasty message. She also assured me that everyone that knew about her affairs are out of her life, I asked her who they were other than D? 2 ladies from her work and her former Gyn trainer, that was news to me . I asked who the guy was and how he knew, she replied “ I don’t want to hurt you any more, it is embarrassing “ I was like “ were you having an affair with your trainer too?” She said: “ Noooo, that’s not what I meant “ then admitted that the POSOM payed for her personal trainer to come to her Gym just for her.

I told her to include all that in her timeline

Most affairs are conducted in the dark. Your wife has a very public affair and never thought twice. Why be offended by her friends as they were taking the lead from her.

"Regarding the sex, not to defend her but she didn’t lure me to it, I was the one who wanted it. The reason why I felti bad is during the first encounter I was too aggressive, I felt like I was raping her, I went for a shower and she just stayed laying on the bed, I went back and apologized for the way I did it . So we ended up doing again"

I know you think it was your idea for sex but, that's not true. She had a plan and she worked her plan on you. Remember men are by nature visually stimulated and she knows this and that the chemical release for you had not been met in a long time. If you were used to that release twice a month and it is ruffly two months now she knows your need.

As for the " The reason why I felti bad is during the first encounter I was too aggressive, I felt like I was raping her" This is common for am man to feel like he needs to "reclaim his wife

in sex after he has been cuckold. The reason you felt bad is you are a good guy and you have always made love to her in the past, but this time it was not to show her love, it was to reclaim some of what was stolen form you. Your manhood pride. You then being a good guy you couldn't let your last act of sex stand as the man you are.

"Other thing is she implicitly offered sex , maybe the love bombing some of you talked about, she said that it made her happy"

I'm glad you see her fishing for you. And yes it is exactly love bombing. And yes it made her feel happy, she felt like you were taking ownership back of her after being cuckold. She instinctively now how to seduce you, to get what she wants. As for the " in the eyes of God we are husband and wife so she is open to it if I want it,", While yes technically yes in the eyes of God you are husband and wife, she divorced you the moment she let a other man in her, and he became her husband."for you have had five husbands; and he whom you now have is not your husband. This you have said truly." The case can be made that you are not to return to a previous spouse."the first husband may not marry her again, for she has been defiled." Now before I'm draw and quartered. Yes R is possible and no I'm not saying you can't stay with her. I'm just giving ammunition if she tries to put you in a spot and says she still your lawful wife and expects you to comply. Also if the pastor tries to do any other thing than to support you in a walk with God, don't let him. You have to live with your decision.

Also in my case I have struggled with my own and even bean mad at God for bringing me this woman, but it wasn't Gods fault she did what she did.

I support you! You are a good guy!

King James Version

For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly

New International Version

then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the LORD. Do not bring sin upon the land the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance.

Only if you need the ammo.

Stay strong! You can do what you need to!

That admission of the gym trainer and how out in the open the affair was with multiple people is very telling.

It seems like OM must have spent and gifted quite a lot to your WW. Quite a lot.

The four years prior to the known affair is a big question as well.

I think the timeline, to address all 6 years should be the basis for your future decisions.

It is going to need to be very detailed and long, or else there will be a lot of her mindset and actions during those 6 years you will never know, and I believe are very important to your decision process.

Please emphasize to her how important a very, very detailed timeline is. Treating it like the trainer admission where you had to pull it out of her won't work.

What if for all those 6 years she had a huge other life you didn't know about? 6 years!

That would counter a lot of the kindness you refer to.

Or maybe the 2 years are by far the worst and you can R.

You need the details to decide.

Stay strong.