SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well said

“I have no interest in monitoring your meetings with friends. If you feel you need one of your enablers who smirked up her sleeve every time she was in the same room with me, that is on you. Just don’t bring her around me and I sure as hell don’t want to hear her opinions.”This why we are getting a divorce.

That your wife thought it was ok to get together with (or even to talk to) her toxic friend (at a coffee shop, at her mom's, or anywhere else) just goes to show that she STILL doesn't get it.

She's a grown ass woman and she either gets this or she doesn't.

She doesn't!!

You shouldn't have to tell her either if it's ok or not.

Just watch her actions.

It’s up to you. She’s a grown woman. Does she know you are aware of D enabling the affair? How did YOU become aware of it? I don’t remember that.

This is a moment where your wife could be communicating to you loud and clear. At some point, you are going to have to see if she is capable of taking her own initiative and using her own judgement. If she is aware of your feelings about D and totally serious about reconciliation... well, your common sense should tell you this is a mistake. It’s also telegraphing her commitment to doing the right thing to help you heal.

Having sex with her means you can not successfully file under adultery. Remember what CT was telling you about condonation, well sex is in the definition.

Her tattoo is a symbol of beauty and freedom. The beauty her husband did not see and freedom from her life , her marriage and her husband.

Location too is important. On her tigh, look how it worked with you. She on a gno on a bad stool, is there a better opener than I like your tatoo.

Do you ever see the show St. Elsewhere. Put your roses on my piano and your tulips on my organ.

So.....you have had the wisdom of this whole forum

Your wife has had the wisdom of........oh no one(that we know)

Is it so strange she's reaching out to someone for help albeit the wrong one

Seems so clear to us.....wonder how clear it is on the other side

[This message edited by UnderCover at 5:05 PM, September 5th (Saturday)]

Now that you got the "courage" to ask for for a timeline, finish the job by asking the rest of the questions and about the 3 years that are unnaccounted for before her 2 year LTA. As for the meeting with "D", ask her if she thinks is a good idea for her to be talking to the very same person that enabled/encouraged her A ? What's the meeting about ? tell her you don't want D involved in your life anymore, that you don't want her or the whole office to know about what's happening with your M.

OK so you had sex with her, don't you think that would give her the "wrong impression" as well ? anyway, you're not the first, actually it's not that uncommon, has she been tested for STDs ?, if not make sure you tell her to get it done, she's still the mother of your children and should get tested (you should too).

Maybe I'm in the minority on this but if you know you know you don't want to date her and you know you want to divorce her, why bother with dredging up the past few years? If you are truly trying to move on from her, knowing all the betrayal details will only mess with your head more. If the information doesn't help you move forward, it only serves to expand the abyss between you both and that only makes it harder for the kids.

She seems to want to show you directly how much she is NOT a candidate for R. Days after you separate she wants to hang out with an enabler? It's like she wants you to KNOW she doesn't get it.

Don't respond. But I would bring up in another discussion how disappointing it is that she would want to keep someone like that in her life. She should not need you to tell her that.

Again it really seems like she is testing boundaries already. She absolutely doesn't get it.

[This message edited by clouds777 at 6:49 PM, September 5th (Saturday)]

How you respond to the "D" person meetup, depends on what you want.

Do you want to reconcile?

Then throw her a bone, tell her that D is not a friend of the marriage and that in the future, she should be able to figure this out.

Do you want divorce?

Do not respond. It is not your concern any longer.

I think responding to her text is fine.

Response:

'Why would you ask me that?'

If she comes back with just about anything as a reason...

'D and AP are beyond shitty people and are dead to me; you know that. But, other than what we already agreed to not do during our separation, you can do whatever you want.'

I'm also in the 'her response about the tattoo is bullshit' camp. She's not covering it up and wanting to talk about it if it simply means beauty and freedom.

[This message edited by justsayno at 7:47 PM, September 5th (Saturday)]

Thanks everyone, well, I don’t know what exactly happened but D never made it, if I had to guess maybe my mother -in-law brought some good sense to her. Fortunately I didn’t have to respond at all she just texted to let me know that D wanted to check on her But since I seemingly didn’t want that she canceled the meeting. she said we could talk about if I wanted.

Someone asked how I knew D encouraged the A, my WW admited that plus there were many pictures in the PI report with her, the OM and D’s husband in a baseball game , and in a bar,.

Regarding the sex, not to defend her but she didn’t lure me to it, I was the one who wanted it. The reason why I felti bad is during the first encounter I was too aggressive, I felt like I was raping her, I went for a shower and she just stayed laying on the bed, I went back and apologized for the way I did it . So we ended up doing again ,

Well said and thought out.

“I have no interest in monitoring your meetings with friends. If you feel you need one of your enablers who smirked up her sleeve every time she was in the same room with me, that is on you. Just don’t bring her around me and I sure as hell don’t want to hear her opinions.

How did it go?

IMO sex sends a lot stronger message that R is in the cards than you telling her who to be friends with.

1 - IMO having sex with her encouraged her to believe that "you're back at the trough" and under her spell again - and therefore it's just a matter of time before you take her back full time.

2 - I think you just gave her some rope to hang herself. And she's doing a pretty good job of it.

IMO, I think deep down you know the answer to whether she should be in contact or allow contact with anyone that covered up/encouraged the affair.

If your wife understood how much pain she caused you and really understood what's required to rebuild trust, meeting with D is something your wife shouldn't have to ask you about.

Plus contact with D should make your wife vomit.

3 - Does your wife think you're stupid or easily manipulated? Why would her meeting D at your wife's mother's house be a better option for you?

AHguy, there is one sort of "positive" aspect to the separation you agreed to - your wife is going to show you who she really is so you can make your decision well-informed about who she really is.

So far by my count she has:

• Bald-faced lied to you about her tattoo

• Planned to get together or has gotten together with one of the participants who encouraged in her cheating affair.

• Sex-Bombed you

***

There is a lot more where that came from. Keep a list.

But since I seemingly didn’t want that she canceled the meeting.

Sigh.

You are not her conscience. She should be able to make the proper decision herself.

I suggest this reply:

“So you friend encouraged you to have an affair, to destroy your life, your husband’s life and your children’s life. And you wonder if you should continue this friendship. Think about it, is that what friends do?

The issue here is not about getting permission from me, but for you to have the ability to make healthy life choices.”

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 8:09 PM, September 5th (Saturday)]

I wish I'd been here earlier in the day but was very busy on ranch business. I wanted to tell you to not tell your WW "no" to meeting with D. It is up to her to know that D has been a problem for you based on how the adultery was discovered and disclosed and would be a problem. She wants you to be her conscience. She has to provide her own morals, compass and conscience.

If the MIL talked some sense into her that is the same thing. She needs her mother for a moral compass. If she's genuinely interested in R she would be trying to put distance between anything remotely associated with the adultery.

She's even laying it on your lap. Since it didn't seem like you were okay with meeting with D anywhere she pulled the plug. It wasn't because she knew it was counterproductive, declined, cut association with toxic to marriage "friends" and then told you about it. She needed you to be her conscience.

I’m with the others, D was a part of the A and you shouldn’t have to explain that to her, either she gets it or she doesn’t. Although she appeared to be making positive steps, IMO, this is a red flag and sets her back into the “not a candidate for R” category.

AH

Your post says your WW said she cancelled the meeting since it seemed like you were opposed to it. (based on your silence apparently )

I interpret that as the right decision, but not because she chose it, but because she felt like you opposed it. Right direction, but not there yet. She is new at trying to include you in her thought process though.

On the sex, has she been tested for STI's yet?

Did you use protection?

While yes, it should be a no-brainer about ridding friends of the affair, I'm not surprised that it is not as blatantly clear to her as it is to you.....and most clear-thinking people. She is still clearing out her wayward thinking. But she isn't too oblivious to call you for your consent/opinion. Hopefully, she will speed up her learning curve.

As to the sex, you are not fully committed to divorce. Nor are you committed to reconciliation. If you both want it, then so be it. Just clarify that you do not want sex to be an indicator that you are moving in one direction. That the two of you are having sex solely for the reason that you both want it. Neither of you are 'using' the other for any hidden motivations.

Also, people are saying that you have sexual needs to fulfill. It is not a need; it is a want. Nothing wrong with that, and I may just be overreacting to the word. But it is when we see things as needs instead of wants....that's where poor decisions can be born.

So she blames you for why she can't hang out with her friend who encouraged adultery. Sigh. It seems incredibly childish for her to send that to you. Something a teenager would do.

It sure does seem like she wants to make sure you know she isn't planning to change anymore than she has to in order to get her way.