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there were other incidents that happened that maybe we'll discuss with you later' she said she would answer any question I may have even the though ones, she wanted me to see the pastor yesterday evening but I couldn't make it so she is going to see when he would be available

I suggest you sit her down and ask all the questions BEFORE you talk to the pastor.

AH,

You've been running around getting your ducks in a row and being absolutely busy.

Now that some semblance of calm has set in, albeit as a companion to huge changes, it is not uncommon for depression to take a hold.

Please seek immediate medical help the moment this happens and don't be too proud to use prescribed medication to help you over the camel's hump.

Strength to you on this road.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 9:56 AM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

AHGuy, glad to hear that you have that settled. I hope that gives you some comfort.

Weather should be nice this weekend. I hope you can enjoy yourself, maybe do some more fishing.

We are officially separated now. we both signed the agreement in front of a notary,

Solid.

How is the sleep issue going?

Long due update, it has been a week of separation although technically it wasn’t official till Thursday. It feels weird but I’ll get used to it. Here is a summary of how the week went.

She moved out Saturday, living with her mom and step father for now , it was very emotional , I started some “ home improvement” in the house kind of things to keep me busy when I’m home, when she came back Tuesday to see the draft of the agreement and get some of her stuff, she was quite maybe she thought I was preparing the house to be on the market. She mentioned that because in the agreement it said something about 50/50 split of properties profit. That Tuesday morning meeting led to something I wasn’t proud of and hesitated about sharing here. We had sex not just once but twice.

We met again Thursday to sign the agreement, after that all communication are basically text messages. We have a meeting with the pastor Tuesday evening because he is only available on Tuesdays, I finally had the courage yesterday to ask her to write me a timeline, and to have it ready for me before I meet with him, The only other thing that we talked about, A wise, was her tattoo. When she came to the house Tuesday before we had sex, she sat on the couch to read the agreement, she was wearing a dress and at some point she was pulling it down to hide the tattoo. She noticed that I was looking then asked me if she should remove it or at least modify it. I said it depends and asked why, she hesitantly said that it reminds her of her bad choices. I asked if it had anything to do with her A and the POSOM, she denied that. Her explanation is that she wanted a tattoo before that and when she went to have one, she told the tattoo artist that she wants to feel beautiful and free. She said that at that time she wrongly felt that she was missing the feeling of being beautiful and free. The artist suggested a red Tulip and white stars. I told her that It is her body and her decision to make but if it only means beauty and freedom she shouldn’t bother.

I talked to OBS, informed her about my separation, she is also separated in her state (Virginia) she needs 12 months. Her POS husband is blaming her for everything and keep swinging between wanting to get back with her one day to disappearing the next day.

My brother thinks that the separation was a good idea but thinks that I should consider dating and seeing other women if my wife isn’t an option. He first suggested I should date my wife like a new relationship but when I told him I couldn’t he said that I need a new relationship with or without my wife. I know he has no idea he is just looking out for me. this discussion happened after I told him about what happened Tuesday. He said it was normal for us to do it.

WW wanted me to allow my son back to work, I was like first I never fired him, second he said he never wanted to do HVAC for living and 3rd and more importantly he has never asked to come back. One of the things we have always argued about was the treatment of my boys specially my oldest, she spoiled him way too much. I told her this must stop. I reminded her that at his age we were already parents.

It’s ok that you had sex with her, as long as you don’t make it a habit. Right now the only tool she has to make it all better is to love bomb you. But I know you get this.

Just realize that emotionally you are going to have needs and there will be sexual tension. Try to understand though that if she turns into a weekly booty call, that defeats the reason for separation. You may as well let her move back in.

No one ever said this shit is easy. I know cuz I failed twice on this score. See my earlier posts.

AH,

Just a couple of words of caution. My gut tells me that there is a likelihood that you don't have the real explanation behind the tattoo. Her reaction to you looking at it and it's repeated mention makes it too central to her infidelity to be a mere marker of a desire to be "free".

There is also the 3 years prior to her A in which I would suggest you find out if there was any other APs ONSs or incidents.

As far as your son is concerned, he is old enough and man enough to approach you about working himself. At his age I was already fully independent.

Godspeed to you.

I really really doubt that's the full story of the tattoo,based on her reaction.

She is ready to love bomb you now because it's all she has left. I'm sure she has more hope that it will work now. You didn't do anything wrong,but be very careful. You took your power back when you took control of the situation and she can get that power back if love bombing works. It's another one of those things that we have all seen and experienced and many who are just starting on this recovery journey believe their wayward to be different, but they're not.

finally had the courage yesterday to ask her to write me a timeline, and to have it ready for me before I meet with him,

I'm proud of you - this is a big first step and a lot more progress than I had at this point. I asked for the timeline multiple times and finally had to give my WW an ultimatum 3 YEARS after D-Day. That's why I've been so adamant about you getting one from her. Note well, if it's some kind of short one or two page summary ... THAT IS NOT going to cut it for you. She will need to do more work, and it should run for many, many pages of detail for you.

Tell you will be putting a question on the polygraph examination about the tattoo and if there's anything she would like to tell you about it before the polygraph, you're all ears. She should address it in the timeline too.

Second, on the tattoo, I don't think you're getting the full explanation and I think you know this. That's why she was tugging at her dress to hide it. Notice she only specifically answered the question you asked about whether it had to do with THIS OM. According to what you've told us here, she only answered your question about whether it had anything to do with this affair.

On the love bombing, it's perfectly normal. I would try to avoid it being a regular thing. You have sexual needs. But do exactly what WS's do - compartmentalize the sex.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:35 AM, September 5th (Saturday)]

AH

This is part of how I didn't get away. She use my sexual needs against me and I see your WW doing this to you. She knows that the first part of her plan to get you to stretch out the separation has worked, {Give me time and I will give you hands off your business} now the second part has worked,{he needs sex, I have him jammed up with his word in the separation agreement, no dating}, then she seduced you. She knows you haven't had sex in all this time and that you need it. Her plan is to real you in like a fish. Just remember she used that same tackle with and on POSOM.

This is one of the enduring struggles to except if you decide to R.

"That Tuesday morning meeting led to something I wasn’t proud of and hesitated about sharing here. We had sex not just once but twice."

Your words right here tell me you feel shame over letting her have back some of the control. Don't let shame in. You did nothing wrong! In my case, I did the same thing, and then once I realized how she plaid me I almost went nuclear on the R. You are in control don't let her take it back. To maybe turn her plan back on her you would tell her "you don't appreciate her using your needs against you, especially after she is the one that put you in the place of unfulfilled needs and used her body with POSOM!" Yes she might not give you sex so easy, but do you really want her back in control? That is why you felt "not proud" here. There is no shame, you didn't do any thing wrong. WOMEN HAVE ALWAYS HAD THE POWER OVER SEX, BUT MEN HAVE ALWAYS HAD POWER OVER RELATIONSHIP! Let her know she gained NO power in that which is dead with her use of sex.YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

Stay strong! I support you what ever you chose!

She innately understands that her only true agency over you is sex. It’s what she uses to get what she wants.

Everything else she had to offer was jettisoned when she took a lover. (Or lovers, yet TBD)

So just watch out.

I’m currently working but kept receiving texts fro my WW asking if she could meet her colleague D, I was ignoring her because I was too busy to think about it so I logged in here to ask your opinion, her POS friend D was encouraging her affair while smiling to my face when she sees me, my wife first message was to ask if was Ok for her to meet with D in a nearby coffee Shop, 10 minutes later she realized that I ignored her so she figured out that I didn’t like the idea so she said that D was coming to see her in her mom’s house instead and still asked if I was ok with it. Should I tell her No, I’m afraid that I would be giving her falls hope of R by suggesting who she should be with

I'd simple ask her if she thinks D is a real friend considering she encouraged her affair. And if people like D is someone that is a positive factor in her life.

Let her figure it out for herself at that point.

I might add... This is not a good sign she's understanding this whole thing.

[This message edited by thirtyyearsmore at 4:14 PM, September 5th (Saturday)]

It's not falls hope to say that D hurt you too and that if WW wanted to keep hurting you that she can do as she will.

Just stating the facts that D was a part of the betrayal and the fact that your WW wants to keep that relationship is more evidence that she still dose not see how she hurt you. What part of WW does feel pain?

WW is showing that it is still ALLLLLL about her.

Even after D, if WW/ExW keep this kind of friend she will slide in her "walk with Jesus".

God your wife is obtuse.

“I have no interest in monitoring your meetings with friends. If you feel you need one of your enablers who smirked up her sleeve every time she was in the same room with me, that is on you. Just don’t bring her around me and I sure as hell don’t want to hear her opinions.”

AHguy - I will be very direct and tell you having sex with your wife was the wrong thing to do.

It wasn't "bad" or anything like that, but it fucks your head up. You still love this woman. You are in turmoil. And then you add in the "love hormones" that sex releases and it only adds to your confusion, perhaps shakes your resolve.

Trust me that is the pussy-bombing plan.

Having said that, it's totally understandable and to some degree, expected.

You haven't had sex in a while - you have physical needs, you love this woman and you expect her to be the one you have sex with, and you haven't found anyone else for sexual release.

It's not an unexpected turn of events. And I think you have been warned for a while that the pussy bomb was coming, it's part of the busted cheating wife plan of attack to disarm the betrayed husband.

It's just a misstep AHguy. Just correct the course, stay focused, don't let this turn your head around.

***

As far as her seeing her sleazy friend "Cheater-D", I think you can see how much your wife has changed (basically not at all), and don't be surprised if Cheater-D is giving her tactical advice to get back in your good graces: "Fuck his brains out and he'll eventually forget about it."

***

And also, she is completely lying about the tattoo. You know how in some gangs you get a teardrop tattoo for killing somebody? I bet you her thigh tattoo is the cheater version of that.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 4:27 PM, September 5th (Saturday)]

This well said.

“I have no interest in monitoring your meetings with friends. If you feel you need one of your enablers who smirked up her sleeve every time she was in the same room with me, that is on you. Just don’t bring her around me and I sure as hell don’t want to hear her opinions.” And this show why we are getting a divorce.