SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

AH,

Don't be surprised if the meeting does not turn out the way people on here are telling you. I'm guessing you will be met with a lot more compassion and understanding than you think. Not because of her but because the pastor's first goal is to help you find spiritual peace. If he is true to his faith he will be more concerned with that than anything. And I'm sure she has not been completely honest with him so yes I'm positive you will give him information he has not heard. I highly suspect this meeting will not go anywhere near the way she might think. He will not be a cheerleader for her. He might be weighted more toward reconciliation but that doesn't mean he can't help you.

Most people when they screw up default to religion to lessen their guilt for what they did... ' well yes I'm a cheater but I asked God for forgiveness and that makes a better person than I was when I cheated". I'm sure there is a fancy name for it but in corrections it's called jailhouse religion.

I have no idea if your wife is turning to faith for the right reasons or if this is a continuation of her narcissistic behavior. I try not to question others motive when religion is involved. But I know this, God forgives, but God also gave us freewill. She may be right with Lord, and I hope she is, but that does not get her a pass for what she has done. And she still faces earthly consequences for her actions.

Please go into the meeting with an open mind and maybe he can help you at least find some clarity in your emotions. Remember this is all very new. The separation is an excellent idea. And it gives you both space. You to decide what you want to do and hopefully her the clarity to except your decision.

No one person has the answers for you. Treat the meeting like I hope you treat the advice you get here. Listen and contemplate on what's being said. And apply what feels right to you and your situation.

A weird and sad day, my wife moved to her mom’s yesterday, then invited me and my sons for dinner. She was emotional when she apologized to us. I know she had lied a lot in the past puso I felt she was genuinely sorry. Dropping her off then leaving her was hard felt for all of us. What concerns me is that my sons were awfully quite last since.

So I’m back to my room, did a lot of cleaning . It is a new start for me despite the heartbreak.

Good luck on the seperation. I am mixed on these. I know you have a no dating but given that your marriage also was no dating and your wife dated for at least two years, how comfortable are you.

Strength and Godspeed to you AH, no matter what, this whole ordeal is heartbreaking. I'm not one to pound religion, but you have my prayers.

ETA:

I guess you didn't have the opportunity yet to sit down with her and have the big discussion about the timeline and details.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 3:29 PM, August 30th (Sunday)]

What concerns me is that my sons were awfully quite

Just keep talking to them. Ask them if they're okay. Remind them that they can talk to you about anything. Listen to their thoughts and ideas. Explain what you can. Kids mostly just want to be heard so they know they're important to us. You might need to be patient because ideas which seem so mature to them can seem immature to us. Let them know that you never expect them to pick sides and that your relationship with your WW is between the two of you. Just as each of them have a relationship with you that is separate, so too do they have a relationship with their mother and that you hope they'll continue to have a good one with her. Let them know that this situation is temporary and that even though you don't have an answer today, it will be resolved in time.

Hang in there. You're doing fine.

keep yourself busy. It may be time to move your business out of that house.

[This message edited by 66charger at 3:29 AM, August 31st (Monday)]

HI AH

A weird and sad day, my wife moved

It is all just so sad, truly heartbreaking for everyone.

IMO time away is what most people need to discover real feelings.

I hope she can find a way to help you heal, R or D, TRUTH is the first step, real deep empathy for you is also needed. The pastor seems to be helping her understand the depth of her betrayal. I picture him as a very good councilor that will not let her get away with a WW mindset. He seems to have put an end to all the blame-shifting. Most of all I hope she is really in NC with POSAP, that she has wiped out the good thoughts of him, now that she made her stupid call to him just to find out she was just so special. Him cheating, on her, seemed to knock some sense into her head.

I hope you find some peace of mind in the next many months.

What concerns me is that my sons were awfully quite last since.

You have been given an amazing opportunity to be with your boys for several months. Enjoy them, empathize with their pain. The world they understood is falling apart for them too. I would expect some acting out or withdrawal. Get close to them, find their "love language"

Are you still struggling with sleep? Get some rest, things are likely to get worse rather than better at times. The cleanup for this disaster you had no control over is going to be hard. If you start asking questions, this is going to get worse. Steel yourself.

Respectfully,

Organic2003

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 4:55 PM, August 30th, 2020 (Sunday)]

Brother;

Life's new journey always starts with that first step. Some are more painful that others.

I am sure she never thought her actions would lead to the heart ache that was caused. She is now.

Be there for the children regardless of their age they will always be you babies.

Also you need to open up with your WW throughout this more; not cut communication for the six months.

One day at a time.

Sad indeed. But the reality is that she has been saying goodbye to the marriage--that she had other priorities--for years. And the depth of the betrayal, deception, and utter disrespect, while easy to put aside in the sadness of the moment, will never, ever go away. She made all of those decisions. Single handedly. With zero 'negotiation' with you about what she actually began to do.

'Is it okay if, ...' 'No.'

'Okay, well how about.' 'Okay, but only if....'

None of that. You had zero say in any of that. Repeatedly. You have shown her far more consideration in the aftermath than she ever showed you in conducting the activity that led you here.

And, as far as I can tell, when AP trashed you, she never told him to stop. In fact, she seemed to be an equal partner--although she now claims otherwise. That fact, in and of itself, speaks volumes about her.

What she was doing to you, and by extension your family, is far sadder. And now that a spotlight has illuminated it, yea its sad, but the damage is done. The damage *she* did. Was she sad for you and her family when she was doing it?

Think about it this way. If you were to watch a movie of what transpired. What would be the most gut wrenching, saddest part? The part where your heart just sinks.

When they first met for the first time?

When the first flirtations began?

When the flirtations took a more serious turn?

When the first move/kiss, stop... no... we can't?

When the decision to open legs, mouths, arms, and when PIV occurred the first time?

When the affair progressed to continually crossing the line?

When the activity produced routine planning, lying, and covering up?

When outright mocking the betrayed spouses started?

When the infidelity was finally exposed?

When the wrecking ball that was everything above exacted it's toll on the innocent in the form of families hopes and dreams being broken forever more?

To me, the most predictable part is the very end. It, therefore, can't be where the heart sinks. Because at that point, it's way too late. The heart sinks when lines are inextricably crossed and sentences are inevitable for all the innocent parties. I don't care about the sentences for the cheaters. At least they had a choice in the matter. So, to me, it's clear where the sadness really belongs.

I believe there was a part where you stated that she was planning an exit. Well, guess what. Mission accomplished. It just wasn't on her terms at the end. Would she have been sad if the exit was on her terms? Maybe, a little, but too bad family.

I know where the real sadness from the story occurs for me. And it's well before the consequences. It's where the first act of betrayal that can never be undone occurs. That's where my heart sinks. We've all seen these kinds of movies. And we know the couple we're rooting for has issues they need to work out. And we hope that they'll be strong enough to not cross point of no return. And the movie continues to play out. And then the horror of the line being *actually* crossed occurs. One side does it. The other side is oblivious. And it's at that point in the betrayal where the sadness that people who have been rooting for the couple sets in. It's at that point that feelings of disbelief/anger/hate for the affair partner and the adulterer are set. No matter which of the two was the aggressor. It's never at the end when consequences naturally occur; that part is sad too, but not to the level where you heart literally sinks; because this part was virtually inevitable.

Of course, with the exception of her and her AP, none of you *choose* to be in this movie. And, in fact, none of you even knew you were in this story until it was way too late. So in reading your most recent post, I can feel the sadness and heartbreak as she got out of the car, the door closed, and you drove off in silence. My heart breaks for you too. But I have almost no sympathy for her. Just you and your kids; including your daughter. I'm still not convinced that she really isn't still completely self-centered--apology not withstanding. The apology was literally the least she could do. Sad.

Change sucks. And I know you're in a separation 'evaluation' period. But I assure you that if you move on in the long run, you can easily return to a happy life. Will it be different? Sure. But it will be with the dignity of having boundaries and principles that guide your life.

No matter what you decide AH, I wish you well. You and your kids never deserved to be in this sad position.

[This message edited by justsayno at 3:30 AM, August 31st (Monday)]

I know she had lied a lot in the past puso I felt she was genuinely sorry.

AHGuy

The emotions you saw were quite genuine. She feels very very sorry for herself and didn't like moving out.

I follow you thread for the past two weeks, when I read the furnace incident, I can’t help to stop reading for nearly an hour and thought if I were you, after reading the text between WW and OM, what would I feel? I dropped tears! Frankly speaking, that dialogue has been haunted me for the whole 2 weeks. I have the same feelings as you, angry, humiliation, betrayal, pain, loss of confident, and I cannot escape from it………..

I'm sorry if my story is triggering you. I can never describe what I'm going through, only people like you who have been in my shoes can relate. there is a mix of too many emotions rushing toward me all at the same time. somehow I don't feel any hate toward her I actually pity her, sometimes I see myself moving on and imagine my life as a single man other times I consider what it would be like getting back with her. I barely sleep and when I do I dream about her.

all I can do is to focus the best I can on my life. I have to find a way to restructure my work. the way it has been running took a big toll on my life including my marriage. it is a small business but it had kept me busy all the time.

Good luck on the seperation. I am mixed on these. I know you have a no dating but given that your marriage also was no dating and your wife dated for at least two years, how comfortable are you.

Thank you, I'm not even thinking about that, there is a loud voice in the back of my head screaming at me asking those same questions, what if she is on contact with the OM? what if she is talking to someone else? There is nothing I could have done, I needed the separation so these questions will remain in the back of my head for now.

I guess you didn't have the opportunity yet to sit down with her and have the big discussion about the timeline and details.

you are right, I did not bring it up. I worked most of the day Saturday despite the rain, My sons helped her move, I was supposed to pick them up from her mom's house, she called and asked if we could have dinner with them, I agreed so it wasn't any opportunity to talk to her privately. But I will bring up that subject soon. I don't know if I should send her a text message or an email.

Just keep talking to them. Ask them if they're okay. Remind them that they can talk to you about anything. Listen to their thoughts and ideas. Explain what you can. Kids mostly just want to be heard so they know they're important to us. You might need to be patient because ideas which seem so mature to them can seem immature to us. Let them know that you never expect them to pick sides and that your relationship with your WW is between the two of you. Just as each of them have a relationship with you that is separate, so too do they have a relationship with their mother and that you hope they'll continue to have a good one with her. Let them know that this situation is temporary and that even though you don't have an answer today, it will be resolved in time.

Hang in there. You're doing fine.

Thanks for the advice ChamomileTea, they seem to understand, thank God I don't have little kids I don't even know what I would've done if my kids were toddlers.

Are you still struggling with sleep? Get some rest, things are likely to get worse rather than better at times. The cleanup for this disaster you had no control over is going to be hard. If you start asking questions, this is going to get worse. Steel yourself.

I barely get any sleep,if i can only get a sold uninterrupted 3 hours of sleep, I keep having crazy dreams the ones that while in them I'm recognizing that they are just dreams, It really sucks. I do no know how I can still have energy to work.

When I moved out to my own place my STBXWW couldn't stop calling me. She would make up silly excuses to call me. Even when they trade a husband out for another man or men, WWs still miss their betrayed husbands for some reason.

So, expect your WW to continue texting and calling with dumb messages that are slated to only make her feel good. If it gets too ridiculous, you may need to lay down the law with her. My STBXWW is now only allowed to call me if there is an emergency that directly relates to our daughter.

Lack of sleep is a huge threat to your physical & mental health - and negatively impacts judgement.

Talk to your doctor about not being able to sleep.

They can provide short term solutions that are not addictive.

This^^^^^

If you’re not getting good sleep, then everything is going to be off. Your energy, your thinking, your decision making, your muscular strength everything.

So make getting your sleep sorted out priority one.

I feel your pain so deep that I too have had trouble sleeping. I feel like I can't let go because I can't leave you hanging alone. That is why on one hand I post from a place of R and then a place of D. While your situation is a little different, I feel your pain like I was living it again. I found out after the wedding so technically her betrayal was before her vows to me, it was for only 13 months but then she had been infected with herpes which made a permanent reminder. It delayed the consummation of our marriage and lot of other missed intimate times and other losses. But my wife was broken and didn't ask for anything. She knew I had all the right to D her. We were a little older than you but we didn't have that much together so if I chose to end it and move on there wouldn't be children to be hurt too. She gave me everything I asked for to the full. Some times I wonder if I should not have been so tenacious to know everything. But then again it would have driven me insane if I didn't know everything. She was never to my knowledge verbally disrespectful about me. She has had to help me carry the weight of this when I have taken it back from God. I try not to take it back to much. (avoid triggers) Give your self time. This is the rest of your life. Don't get in a hurry. You don't want to R and find you can't take it and then you get blamed for the marriage failing. You said that your commitment to your business was responsible for what your wife did, that is not true! No amount of time spent doing for your family was EVER a justification for her betrayal to you. Don't take that on you. I support you! You are not alone!

One day at a time AH, one foot after the other, just make sure your steps carry you in the right direction, but even if your foot slips at this juncture and you find yourself to have lost the way for a while, it is understandable because you are reeling from a tremendous blow.

Should you find yourself lost, stop, breath, refocus and set your feet on the path again.

None of this is easy, not a single iota of it. I'm proud of where you are in such a short time.

Strength to you AH.

I dont know if i should send her a text or an email

I really hope you talking about a text or an email to arrange the sit down face to face with her and not to actually ask the questions....that would be so conflict avoidant as off the scale

The way to do it with maximum effect and result is the way walloped organised the questions and the meeting

[This message edited by UnderCover at 11:36 AM, August 31st (Monday)]

The questions should be asked face to face for maximum impact and to see her reaction and facial expressions, plus she won't have time to get her story straight with anyone, make sure you record everything. A verbal interrogation also allows for time to elaborate, remember what your dad told you, "you have to face this head on".

I would have her write out the timeline first. She should be doing that now - she doesn't need to wait for your permission. If she's truly remorseful, she will plant her butt in a chair, grab a pen and paper and start writing.

Then you can ask questions based on that in an in person session.

The in person Q&A is a chance for her to come clean before you then schedule the poly to verify what she's WRITTEN down and said are the truth.

I'd like to back up Thumos' point with if you choose to have a verbal QA with your wife, any answers she gives should then be written down by her.

3 words: "no wiggle room"

Verbal answers are all too frequently later followed by: "That's not what I meant", "I don't remember saying that", "I forgot", "you misunderstood", and so on.

I'm pretty sure she has already done that to you.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 3:12 PM, August 31st (Monday)]