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Tiny background: it’s been 5 yrs since he left and 4 yrs since d-day. Last fall he bought a house and moved ow in. A month ago she bought “them” a lake house. He constantly is saying how happy she makes him and how great she is. He tells me I keep holding him down and hostage because I will not go file or go together. I’m stubborn and if he needs to do it. I know he won’t cause he does not want to look bad to his family, most of which have no clue about this ow. We have boys 11 and 13 and my 11yr old has meet ow for maybe 20 minutes, my other kid has not.

If he feels so stuck why not come out to everyone that he moved on with her? He hangs out with her family all the time but acts like we are ok around his. Why still come to my house to see the kids but never take them to his house? He still wants to be physical with me. He claims she hardly touched him and he has no clue why. She is about 4 yrs older than him. I get cake eating but if you are as miserable as you say you are why not file and be done?

Let me ask you, what are you getting out of not filing yourself?

Why still come to my house to see the kids but never take them to his house?

Why are you letting him do this?

He still wants to be physical with me

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Cake eating. Best of both worlds. "No" is a complete sentence.

If you file, you can set up a parenting plan/visitation that he must stick to. You can also establish child support.

Boundaries. Set them and enforce them.

Oh goodness. I’d suggest filing yourself. Get it done on your terms and in your time frame

He sounds like he doesn’t want to get divorced

He’s got two women exactly where he wants them.

Why should he file? The idiot OW is spending her $ on this loser.

And his legal wife is still allowing him to pretend he’s a good guy and married and all is Ok with the world. At least to his family he is able to do that.

It’s working for him. No reason to upset the apple cart. He doesn’t have to split assets or give you any more $ in alimony or child support or pay anything if he doesn’t want to. Unless there is a separation agreement in place I’m not aware of.

Is he paying child support? Or spousal support? You need to file because financially, he's not had any consequences. Stop letting him invade your space. Set boundaries!

Good luck!

why not file and be done?

Exactly.

Why don’t you file and extract yourself and your children from this wildly toxic mess?

Your children are being put through a very emotionally abusive and confusing situation.

I’m sure they are suffering through it all.

Get them, and yourself, out of it.

Show your children how to respect themselves, how to live by good values, establish boundaries, and how not to become doormats to future people in their lives who attempt to do to them what your “husband” is doing to all of you right now.

It took my sister 10 years to get her WH to eventually agree to Divorce.

They had their financial settlement dealt with within a few months of separation as she needed to buy him out. In the 10 years to follow he paid no child support although being gainfully employed.

Children are not dumb, is your WH concerned your children will let the cat out of the bag to his family?

5 years is a very long time in a child’s life. Does your WH still stay overnight with you. The entire situation is bizarre.

He will stay the night if she is out of town. He does give me money out of his check each month. He is not worried about the kids telling but his family finding out and being mad at him. His mom knows all but he has never come out and said anything to her at all. She is my biggest supporter. I don’t think she wants to deal with the kids so that’s why they never go to her place. She is in her mid 40’s and never wanted kids.

There's no reason for him to file. He's got the best of both worlds. My XH was similar and didn't want to file. He had his OW and he had me. Now he has neither.

He's not as miserable as he says he is... hence why he is still taking advantage of you!

Why are you accepting his crumbs??

(My ex told me that OW hardly touched him too... which was a lie!!)

Poor baby wants best of both worlds.

File, out him and move on with your new and fabulous infidelity free life!

So if you are still married and he is using marital funds to purchase a home etc for the OW are you entitled to half? Might be a strategy to motivate him.

Ginger -

why will you not file yourself?

Why is this situation OK with you?

Have you consulted an attorney?

Would you get more $$ from child support than whatever he deigns to give you from his check?

If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't file either. Why on earth would I, when I can have the best of both worlds.

Maybe seek IC help Ginger. What is your reason for staying? Him giving you money? You want him back? You need to answer those questions as to why you would even want him back. And if the answer is you don't, than you should file.

I do sense from your brief writing that you probably are hoping that he leaves her and comes back to you. That sounds pretty miserable, bc the only reason he comes back would mean that things didn't work out with his other woman. What does that make you? You are the fall back plan? Is that how you want to be treated?

He will stay the night if she is out of town.

Why are you allowing him to stay over?

He does give me money out of his check each month.

He would still be required to do this if you did divorce. He may even owe you more than you are getting. This is why you should see a lawyer and get information. If the lawyer tells you it's advantageous for you to not file then don't file.

He is not worried about the kids telling but his family finding out and being mad at him. His mom knows all but he has never come out and said anything to her at all. She is my biggest supporter

Why don't you tell his family what is happening then?

Ginger, if you don't like how things are right now, you're going to have to be the one to change them. You waited on your WH to and he didn't. He allowed them to continue and so have you. So if you don't like it, stop allowing it and start making those changes yourself.

Do you want a healthy, faithful spouse? You will not have one while you are still married to your WH. Most good guys are going to hear "still married to XWH" and they will run for the hills because they want to be caught up in the drama or potentially becoming an OM. If your desired future includes a good partner, you have to let go of your WH for good.

He still wants to be physical with me.

Are you allowing this?

Wrong question. You should be asking yourself, "Why in the hell did I stay married to an ass these past 5 years?"

You have zero control over him, but you've always had the agency to put an end to the toxicity and you didn't. Why?

Why should he file for divorce? It's expensive, and he stands to lose finances when chukd support and spousal support (if applicable) start to come out. Yet, YOU have everything to gain, and you just let it drop. There has to be a reason. Time to start looking hard at yourself and your reasons. Are those reasons still relevant today?

Oh, no! You are letting him have a second life and second spouse????? Why are you doing this to yourself??? Aren't you angry? Don't you hate him?

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:10 PM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

I see you strongly identify as codependent and know that you have trauma and abandonment wounds from childhood. Have you read Journey From Abandonment to Healing??? It will really speak to you. It has helpful, effective exercises.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:14 PM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

Thank you so much for the book recommendation. I am highly codependent.

You're not alone, Ginger. Many of us are or were very codependent. I have spent decades pulling myself out of codependency, and it has been a massive battle (against myself). I can only assume that in some way you grew up really trying to make someone happy, long before you were even aware what you were doing. If you relate to that, then you can probably understand pursuing people who are cold or selfish simply because these people "remind us of home," and then twisting yourself into a pretzel to get their approval? That was my life also, my autopilot life. I don't even know I'm doing it. Selfish people are just normal to me.

But it doesn't have to stay this way. We fight to reclaim ourselves from the sadness and worthlessness that we have long felt. We slowly climb out--that's actually how it felt to me--one book, one strong action, one confident decision at a time. I know you are hanging on for that little bit of validation from your WH, and I know how horrible you feel when he takes it away. But very slowly you can learn to self-soothe and give yourself that love and approval. The book I mentioned is a great start. She was a tortured, lost BS herself, and her codependency sent her into a psychology degree and new career! She totally found her power!

You'll get there, but it's a slow process. Don't be too hard on yourself. You'll do a lot of grieving for that little girl you once were who has tried so hard to be loving and kind but can't seem to get anything in return. I know her because I was her, too. And we have to cry for those little girls and give them big hugs because they got sh$t handed to them that they did not deserve. But once we soothe them and calm them, we can show them how truly awesome they are and kick these asshole WS out once and for all!!!! You will get there. It has been a fantastic journey of finding pure happiness, and I want the same for you. All the work is worth it. Just hang in there!

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:31 PM, August 2nd (Sunday)]