Ginger, as StillLivin says, the only way to heal the extreme anxiety from fearing abandonment is to do inner child work. Have you tried it? Ok, as much as I love the human psyche and all the psycho babble that goes along with it, the inner child ideas made me laugh outloud. But honestly, they worked!!! Goofy as they seemed, I did feel much better!!!
I wish someone had told me years earlier that you can't fix your anxiety about someone leaving you without fixing the hurt over the original person leaving you. You do that by finding that scared little girl, picturing that she still lives inside you, and healing her. You can also use EMDR to go back to those original hurts when you were 13.
I use Big Me and Little Me conversations in my head. Originally I would pick 15 minutes, go in a room alone, and sit down. Then I would intentionally think of a very hurt moment from my childhood. I would call out Little Me to explain how she felt back then. I'd do it quietly because yes, you are literally talking to yourself. And Big Me would finally say to me what someone should have said back then, finally soothe my wounds. That's what we want, validation and comfort.
"So Little Me, what happened that day she screamed at you?"
"She called me names. It hurt so much. I remember crying very hard."
"That must have been very hard. I am so sorry. No one should ever, EVER treat a child that way."
"But she did. I guess she didn't love me."
"Not true. You are an awesome little girl. You are energetic and fun and kind. She is just a mentally unwell lady who needed to treat someone badly. It was not you. Can't you see how great you are?"
I would go back and forth and correct my old thinking, remind myself that it was not about me, and parent myself like I should have been parented. I use Big Me and Little Me when I get upset in the present, too. It helps when I just need some comfort and understanding from someone. It turns out that getting it from myself works really well. Who knew?
There are lots of exercises online. I was not a believer, thought it was the silliest idea ever. And then it worked. Ginger, you must spend time every day working on healing you. I know you want help with the ex, but this is really about you. Help yourself feel better by giving yourself some much needed validation and love. That scared and hurt little girl still lives inside you. Find her and heal her. She needs you.
[This message edited by OwningItNow at 8:15 AM, August 16th (Sunday)]
