@EmbraceTheChange, can you please clarify your question a bit? I'm not sure exactly what the question is?
Generally speaking, most WS's are honestly incapable of caring about anyone other than themselves. I don't mean that as an insult, rather, as a fact. In the same way a blind person can't see, a cheater is so very wrapped up in themselves and their own needs during the affair that they simply cannot "see" others or care about them in any way. Or in other words, you cannot love, respect and care for others when you don't even have the capability to do so for yourself.
There are endless stories here about WS's going off with their AP's while their spouses were at home with the kids, or sick in the hospital, or pregnant, or caring for others, and so on. Unfortunately, in the WS mindset, these things are just seen as opportunities in which the BS is tied up with other stuff and so the WS can go be with their AP.
If you are getting the feeling that your WS either "hated you" or "didn't care about you at all" during the A, then I think that's a very safe assumption.
Most WS's, when asked about this later on, after D-Day, will try to deny and minimize their actions and feelings. This is a mix of CYA and shame most often. To them, admitting to themselves the depths of depravity they allowed themselves to sink to is simply too much to handle. For most WS's, the reason (the REAL reason) they had an affair to begin with is because they have so little integrity, self-love/self-respect and confidence in themselves, that they simply can't exist without someone else to tell them how great they are. In other words, they can't love themselves, they don't know how to, so they require external validation. When things in the marriage aren't perfect or get stressful, and they stop being told how wonderful they are... they feel empty. They only hear negative things from other people, and can't love themselves, so instead, they look for someone else to make them feel special. It isn't love, it never is, and can't be, because it is based on need. But there you go.
It sounds to me as if your WS isn't able to admit that, to either you, or themselves, is that the case?
I have seen many BS's suggest that you protect yourself by "doing a 180" and distancing yourself from the WS emotionally. THis is what my wife did, and she needed to, because even though the affair itself was over, I was still causing her pain by being unable to accept and account for my actions.
Your husband hurt you. Even if someone had put a gun to his head and forced him to cheat, it still would have hurt you, and he needs to understand that. Moreover, he needs to understand that a gun wasn't put to his head, and that he CHOSE to cheat, to lie, to gaslight, to betray... and he might not like how that looks on him, but it is what he did, and the sooner he can accept that, and own it, the better it will be for everybody involved.
Most WS's seem to think they are protecting their spouses from further harm by minimizing their deeds. "Gosh, she doesn't need to know I hated her during that period, that will only hurt her more!". But that's not how it works, and honestly, it is just CYA and selfishness on the WS's part. The BS already knows it was awful. You already know he didn't care. What would HELP would be to hear him say, "You're right. I didn't think about you or what you needed. I only thought about myself and what I could get away with, and I was okay with you paying the price for that because it got me what I needed". Because at least that's the truth, and it is ownership and acknowledgement of what took place. Moving past that point is another story, but that's the first step that has to happen.
My advice? The WS needs to understand that admitting he was an awful person during the affair in no way means he is awful under all circumstances and for all time. He has to get out of the shame spiral. He was awful during the affair. He can choose to NOT be awful now, and that's where most WS's fall down. For the same reasons they had the affair (can't love themselves) they can't admit and own their guilt afterward, because they can't recover from that. Once the WS can own their deeds and not rely on others, they can move forward. But that takes a lot of time, willingness and hard work.