Newest Member: Jokeisonme

cobalt99x

Trust building recommendations ?

WP and I are still in sort of a limbo right now since DDay 2 3 weeks ago, but I'm trying to plan for future reference should we figure out what we're doing;

What are some ways to help rebuild trust? Neither of us are interested in an open phone policy as we tend to be rather protective of our messages, and I would rather work on honest, open communication with her that isn't by force like that...it just feels weird.

I know it takes time; many people just seem to suggest complete open phones and shared passwords and check ups and such. I respect couples who genuinely feel okay doing that and it works for them, but that feels like a false trust to me and sounds really uncomfortable. Even my involuntary gut urge since DDay 1 to glance over makes me really uncomfortable; I have always hated being on either side of screen peeking, even if it's a really strong urge.

So, what could be some other ways?

10 comments posted: Thursday, April 22nd, 2021

Feels like I'm still in it

I want to start this off with some background. I also want to note in spite of my use of male pronouns, the AP is indeed actually technically female, everyone involved in this mess is female. This isn't a matter of my girlfriend being uncertain if she's gay or the like. Everyone involved is also in the range of 20-25. Also, the actual cheating elements were all virtual. In fact, my girlfriend only knows our friend through text and pictures[and in a way, that sort of makes it sting even more - that this happened with someone like that, meanwhile she has me, who sleeps next to her in bed every night, usually holding each other]

I have had these best friends for 4 years now. The one who is now my girlfriend, I will call her S, I knew about a month before we both met this mutual friend who I will call G. I used to be incredibly close to G - he was the main person I talked to while S was caught up in her previous, abusive relationship that ended the beginning of last year. Me and my girlfriend officially got together in august, after a while of mutual feelings that I tried to repress due to various insecurities. For many reasons though, I grew disillusioned with G more and more. She knows this well. And I've made it very clear I do not want to bring him into our relationship in a polyamorous relationship[that to be honest, my girlfriend can barely handle commitment to one person...to two, even the sweetest girl on the planet? I don't see that working out and she's caught in a fantasy idea of what that would be like and using it as a crutch. THIS is barely even working out]. This is a really brief synopsis

It's been like a month or so since the first time it happened. Apparently, for a few weeks before that, there was...questionable at best sexual conversations between G and my girlfriend stemming from whenever my girlfriend would. Then one night I passed out early due to health reasons and feeling sick, and I find out the next morning that in my sleep it turned into explicit things that both of it agree was cheating.

It gets worse though. About 3 weeks ago it happened again. And the details of it are much, much worse than that previous time when I passed out, but I don't really want to share them here

There's things now I realize - and that I knew, but was stupidly optimistic about, I guess, if I'm so hurt - have been wrong for months. That this is basically just an extreme manifestation of - the admittedly really unhealthy way she's reacted to boundaries[both her own, and others], her stubbornness, insistence on her personal issues just being "her," how this friend has for months welcomed and outright fed into going to him when I'm a "headache" and talking about things to spite me[for example, knowing I'm uncomfortable with smoking, but encouraging to her that they could go have "a fun night out" without me when they meet in person and he could get her super drunk and chain smoke with him], as well as me just knowing from personal experience of how close we used to be what a toxic person he can be that she doesn't seem to trust me on because of how "sweet" he talks to her, in spite of witnessing how he's now treating me, and the fact this even happened, and all those other things

I feel it all just crashing down on me now though and realizing "hey wait a minute, what?" and just how many issues we have to work on other than just those 2 events. As well as some other things that have been bothering me. To be honest, even if it wasn't the 2 events, part of me feels like the other things in between were sort of leaning on this territory, even if we're only calling those 2 times cheating outright... I'm certainly not comfortable with any of it.

I can't stop seeing the tipsy "I love you" she sent him that I oversaw literally the day after the worst time. I can't stop seeing the snip of it that I did see that last night either. It's all just burned into my brain and it flashes in my face every time I even think about the fact that he exists. She doesn't know that I saw any of those things. She's barely said "I love you" to me since she moved here when we used to be so affectionate....

Also, I want to say - even if we are so young, I do have external logical reasons to stay, other than just how bonded we had been since we met and how much I love her and other than literally everyone else also screwing me over somehow. Some I would rather not elaborate here for various personal reasons, though.

But it feels like it's still happening, even if it hasn't actually technically happened again

About a week or so ago, I told her I think we should distance from him. She's been responding like that's such an outrageous, unfair thing, to take away such a "close friend" that she "just recently got close to again"[they re-bonded over hurting me! what the hell!] and that it's unfair to "punish her" like this and that I "turned from normal to fucking Ophelia" after the most recent time

I'm not letting go of feeling like this is necessary though. she knows this, and the past couple of days we've both been talking to people on reddit and Facebook[her trying to find ways other than dropping him or distancing from him, but sort of getting torn to shreds and everyone affirming to both of us that this is the only way to even start to reconcile]

I feel sick every time I see them talk or that they've been talking

I hate it

They've been talking so much since that night and I hate it I hate it I hate it

Even when they're just talking about BoJack Horseman I feel so sick. Thinking about what happened, and in my gut, feeling like that alone is part of it and like it's still happening as long as he's around as stupid as that sounds....

She's responsible for my highest highs and now my lowest lows. And I've been through a lot of really awful things growing up, so I feel like that says something

And yet, even if I'll always have some scarring, even if it takes a while, I still want this with her as long as she's willing to put in the work. I'm just so terrified she'll get so caught up in her own emotions that she doesn't.......

It feels like she's caught up in some fantasy and hurting our reality for it

Sorry if this is all over. I'm just a mess

8 comments posted: Monday, April 19th, 2021

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