I am not sure this is an important question, but as the smoke clears just over 2 years from the third DDay, it is something I think about almost daily.
Little background before the query...You might know my situation...caught husband trying to arrange a meeting (love you, need you, want you) with an ex while I was at a lacrosse tournament with my boys (husband couldn't come because he apparently was working...lie) Anyway, I picked up his blackberry instead of mine when I got home (identical much!) and there it all was. I was 1 month past my mother dying a horrific death from ling cancer and I rug swept. Caught him Christmas Eve 2018 sexting ANOTHER ex, drama, hysterical bonding, nearly killed myself for real, and then found out March 2019 that he never stopped cheating with the ex from the first Dday. Yuck.
My marriage was far from perfect. he was my cousin's best friend, I met him at 14 and fell in love, crush, whatever. We circled around each other until 1997 when we were both single at the same time. Him just out of a relationship with a two year old, and he was drinking ALOT. Me divorced from my first very nice husband (hindsight...lol). Anyway, he moved in one day after we met up again and we married 6 weeks later like flaming idiots. Mismatch from the start, me overeducated type A personality nerd, him a hockey player with anger issues and a blue collar job. We were seriously not a good match.
But...I got pregnant 6 months after we got married and there I was...So. I am a talker, I want 100 percent information, I like to hash stuff out, not overly emotional but do have a temper. Once something has been looked at from all angles, I put it away and usually am satisfied. He is NOT a talker, does not talk about ANYTHING emotional, relationship oriented, or even educate himself on pretty much anything. Vaguely racist and certainly homophobic when we married. I have rid him of the latter, although he will NOT discuss any possibility of anything beyond male/female genders. Anyway. Not a supportive guy, in anything. I have stood on my own two feet through everything knowing there was no help forthcoming, and hey, I am woman hear me roar.
So, I have read here pretty much every day since I discovered this community. I am 100 percent onboard with full transparency, NO trickle truth and NO gaslighting. I think the other spouse deserves disclosure, and I think cheating sucks.I am not of the mind that people who cheat need to bend over backwards and "pay" for it forever. If I had been the one who stepped out of my marriage, I would have certainly drawn the line eventually and called it a day if my husband never let it go. In the hey you didn't empty the dishwasher...well, you cheated so too bad...kind of way.
I do think my generally shitty marriage opened the door to cheating for my admiration hungry husband, he does like to be the most important person in the room. I 100 percent admit I did not play a smidge of attention to him for long periods of time just trying to make it through 19-20 hour days working etc. I think he could have made another choice but probably can see why he cheated. However, the way he has reacted to being caught is the truly damaging part of this story. Awful doesn't cover it.
So, as waywards (I hate that term) did you change intrinsically who you are...beyond the "wayward" thinking? Yes, obviously work needs to be done with respect to the why's etc but the person you were before at your foundation is pretty set isn't it? My husband did not do what I needed to heal from this but the way he reacted was 100 percent in line with WHO HE IS. It caused no end of frustration and pain for me in the aftermath as I battered fruitlessly against the personality I KNEW he had. He is never going to be that guy who is sensitive or asks me what is wrong or remembers a single important date, or even our address and phone numbers. He has never read a book outside of school and uses CNN, Facebook, and his buddies of over 50 years to get his facts. He is insensitive, a male chauvinist, politically incorrect 57 year old white dude with NO terrible events in his life (parents both alive, no health issues, nothing). The WORST kind of guy to cheat and then need to be aware of either the damage or what to do to fix it. I guess my question is just to quench my own curiosity after reading the expectations many BSs have here...Did any of you change your actual personality after the fact? I don't think it is possible or fair to ask someone to do that, so I wonder how far you all went...