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Just Found Out :
My 49(M) wife (46F) had a 1+ year affair I just found out about

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 particle (original poster new member #74493) posted at 1:43 PM on Saturday, May 30th, 2020

To everyone, I am reading all responses.

Buffer -

Did she re write the marriage? Making you out (in her mind) not to care so she could do what she did.

Not in that sense. She didn't believe I didn't care. She believed I was absent, as in making her "do everything" which is far removed from reality. She felt she was alone in raising our kids (false) and taking care of the home (also false). This is from her, she did not communicate her issues and she has come to (or at least told me she came to) a realization that the issues she felt were invalid to begin with and could have been solved by talking to me.

One thing that night that stuck with me was a simple example she just blurted out for her "why I don't love you anymore", so simple and petty I was shocked. The little issue was truly minor and in fact the reason she had to do this one thing and I balked at doing it was simply because she was better at it. And it is so damn trivial. That's it. I didn't avoid it to not do it, I avoided it because she was better at it. Once I told her that she seemed really ashamed, like instantly ashamed. Like a light bulb went off. That's actually when she first started crying that night (before I kicked her out). She could have said something and at least that very tiny bit could have led to open communication and avoided all of this. So there were clearly dozens if not hundreds of little things adding up over time, each one making the other seem more magnified.

(not excuses, all her fault)

In all marriages there is a dynamic, who does what. In ours, she stayed home, took care of the kids during the day. I worked. When I came home I spent time with my family, did all the things a father does with their children and I fawned over my wife. But she didn't "see" that, all she saw was her at home, doing nothing, or "everything". I also did everything related to our little home at the time, I practically rebuilt the house from the ground up. Every little thing from plumbing, electrical, to flooring and kitchens. She loaded the dishwasher, I fixed the dishwasher. That was the dynamic and all the things I did just did not register. I also worked late in the night on three businesses to make things better for us, this is AFTER my time with the kids and her and them falling asleep. Two businesses failed, the third was literally the charm. I did "everything".

She has now admitted that, without my prompting I might add, and she says she see's it and understands it.

I assume (because I can't give her this excuse) this all was partly because of her desire or need to do something "more". I mean life as a stay at home parent can be boring. I know that now because I am the stay at home parent, it's easy work, but very very boring. Not an excuse... there are better ways, but I am just trying to get to the why.

In a way, I did see this take a toll on her which is why I encouraged her to finish schooling and follow what she wanted to do, which is completely ironic, because that's where she met the OM. Fuck me right? Yeah - fuck me. I bettered my wife's life, confidence and gave her the means for a self sufficient paycheck and that's what she does in return. Fuck me...

I digress...She has repeatedly blamed HER lack of communication. Not mine, hers. She has also repeatedly said that the things that were in her mind building up were just totally false and she see's it clearly now. And she's given me examples, again, without prompting, of why she was wrong and what she now sees.

So while I do not have a why for the direct affair, I do have a why as to how the distance in her head started to get to a point where she could do it. It's not valid, it's certainly no excuse, but it is a why of sorts.

The next why is much harder because none of the above is an excuse or a valid reason and it doesn't answer the hard question that I am dreading that I must ask and get an honest answer for. It is also slowly dawning on me that the inability to see the forest through the trees is a major flaw

To those insinuating or outright saying it. I am not a doormat, this is 20 years in marriage and more before, this is a person I have loved completely, cut me some slack for a bit? I am still not yet in the stage of actually understanding or comprehending ALL of what she has done. I may be slow on the uptake, but I am not a doormat. I understand that is coming, I am not sure how I am going to handle it. This might all be for naught. Once it hits, my feelings might change.

posts: 44   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2020
id 8547038
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sleepylove ( member #68848) posted at 1:56 PM on Saturday, May 30th, 2020

Particle-

You are in shock and hysterical bonding. Trust me, I was in the same place. Please write down for yourself all of the actions she has taken during this affair. Write down all the things she has said to you. Write down dates and times off all these things that are more fresh in your mind right now.

Hysterical bonding makes it hard to be strong with your wife. My HB lasted for almost a year, and when I came out of it, the confusion, anger and pain (more pain) came with it. You will start to question a lot of things and you will want information from your wife to set these things straight in your mind.

Gather as much information and details that you can get right now. Get it from her and from what you know now. Keep a log or diary or whatever. You will at some point need this. Ask me how I know.

Peace to you.

BH 49WW 49Married almost 22 years at time of AShe had an affair Dec 2017-Feb 2018Found them together 2/2/18 Final Dday 2/23/18 Still don't know the whole truthTrying to R

posts: 173   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2018
id 8547041
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 particle (original poster new member #74493) posted at 2:09 PM on Saturday, May 30th, 2020

sleepylove -

I have. I have a running draft in my email of all the details, questions and things I know and what she has said to me and I am adding to it daily.

That said, I also have a full compliment of digital records, messages and email to fall back on as well.

posts: 44   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2020
id 8547047
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 4:16 PM on Saturday, May 30th, 2020

In all marriages there is a dynamic, who does what. In ours, she stayed home, took care of the kids during the day. I worked. When I came home I spent time with my family, did all the things a father does with their children and I fawned over my wife. But she didn't "see" that, all she saw was her at home, doing nothing, or "everything".

This fact pattern is classic. There are dozens of cheating SAHM threads here with this exact same fact pattern. Utterly cliche. It all boils down to her thinking "me" rather than "we".

Still, explaining a thing is not the same as excusing it. People who go down that path are, let's face it, morally broken. Weak. If you knew that about her before you married her, that she is a morally and intellectually weak person with a low stress threshold, well below the normal stress that a couple with young children experiences, a person who will break the marriage if her low stress threshold is surpassed, choosing to fuck another man behind your back and lie to you about it, would you choose to marry that person? Because that is in fact who you are married to.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8547065
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Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 5:39 PM on Saturday, May 30th, 2020

Particle, I agonized over the why’s for a long, long time. I felt they were really important so she/we could prevent this from happening again.

Went through all this in IC, researched it to death, talked about it to death.

I don’t know why, but one day I realized why my WW cheated on me, numerous times.

1. She wanted it;

2. The opportunity was there;

3. She didn’t care about or didn’t care to think of the consequences.

There was no aha moment, no great realization, simply, my WW was selfish.

Now, there are underlying issues that contributed to her actions (low self esteem, body image issues, family of origin issues, depression, etc.), the list goes on.

But when you break it down to its simplest form, my wife was totally selfish.

Mine has made good progress on herself in IC, mind you, it took an ultimatum from me to actually do it.

Take it easy brother. This is a long, very emotional struggle. My best piece of advise is stay away from alcohol, I didn’t, it did not help, at all.

posts: 726   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8547074
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Unsure2019 ( member #71350) posted at 6:27 PM on Saturday, May 30th, 2020

Particle,

It appears you are so invested in getting back to “Pre A” that you are already making excuses for your WW and her behavior. News flash, there is no going back. You can pretend, rug sweep, take some of the blame, but nothing will change the fact that she chose to fuck another man for a year and lie to your face about it over and over again.

I hope I’m wrong, but I see this shaping up to be one of those 40+ page threads where you insist you know better than the collective wisdom of dozens of supporters, want to argue with supporters trying to tell you the truth, that your WW is different than all the rest of the WWs, that if you just minimize it, it will all go away. You would be wrong and most likely pay a much higher price down the road than you would pay now. It’s really discoursing to see what’s coming in the days and weeks ahead. Good luck!

posts: 211   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: California
id 8547083
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Tseratievig ( member #53253) posted at 6:29 PM on Saturday, May 30th, 2020

To those insinuating or outright saying it. I am not a doormat, this is 20 years in marriage and more before, this is a person I have loved completely, cut me some slack for a bit? I am still not yet in the stage of actually understanding or comprehending ALL of what she has done. I may be slow on the uptake, but I am not a doormat. I understand that is coming, I am not sure how I am going to handle it. This might all be for naught. Once it hits, my feelings might change.

Your writing is outstanding. Your introspection is equally outstanding, really amazing. Anyone referring to you as a doormat has an agenda. You're doing great.

"If you can meet with triumph and disaster, and treat those two impostors just the same."

posts: 114   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2016   ·   location: Chicago Suburbs
id 8547084
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sleepylove ( member #68848) posted at 6:54 PM on Saturday, May 30th, 2020

I agree with Tsert-

You are far from a doormat. You are handling it the best you can. Just know that this will be an unbelievably painful roller coaster ride. Consider all the advice you are getting, file it away and be prepared.

BH 49WW 49Married almost 22 years at time of AShe had an affair Dec 2017-Feb 2018Found them together 2/2/18 Final Dday 2/23/18 Still don't know the whole truthTrying to R

posts: 173   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2018
id 8547088
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Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 7:25 PM on Saturday, May 30th, 2020

Totally agree with Tseratievig. We mean well, but it can be overwhelming. Take your time particle, do things on your timeline.

posts: 726   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8547095
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squid ( member #57624) posted at 8:58 PM on Saturday, May 30th, 2020

Go back to page 2 and read the comment from notanotherchance.

That is the sort of blunt talk that you need. Because I experienced the same amount of crying and "I can't believe I did that" sob story bullshit, only to see it never evolve into true remorse. Ultimately only leading to divorce.

One thing I do know is that 100% of cheaters go into self preservation mode the moment after discovery. That is what she is doing.

She lied to you for 1+ years and suddenly she's remorseful? Come on.

I am not calling you a doormat. But, for sure, you are in shock, still reeling from trauma (ptsd), and desperate for things to return to normal. There's no going back. The affair is here to stay, whether she's engaged in one or not. It is now part of your history.

You are asking for the experience of others. I have not seen one example here at SI in my 3 years of being a member of a WS suddenly "getting it" in the wake of discovery. I certainly did not happen to me. But I have lost count of the times I have read of a WS seemingly having the "epiphany moment" only to either switch back to being wayward or to learn the affair went further underground.

Take from that what you want.

Your feelings and emotions are going to get way worse before they get better, brother. Right now you are trying very hard to fast-forward the process. It just doesn't work that way. I'm over three years post Dday, a year and a half divorced, and I still have days when I struggle. So forgive yourself a lot.

Also, try a little humility. All of us here, and I mean ALL of us, at some point early on after discovery believed we knew more about our spouse than anybody else here could. But being on the outside and having been through the shitstorm ourselves, we can recognize the WS patterns better than the BS that is in the middle of the that storm.

Trust me, we're on your side.

Your WW needs to get herself into IC. Self analysis for a wayward is about as effective as a brain surgeon giving himself a lobotomy. And, to be blunt, you sitting on the sidelines cheering her on isn't ultimately helpful either. The two of you have different journeys in this. Some of that needs to be done separately, then later you can see what you can each bring back to the table. She should be leading the reconciliation, doing most of the work. She destroyed the marriage after all.

So, to answer your question from your