Just over a year after... need help.
So it's been over a year now since DD.
A lot has happened, a lot more has come out. But none of that really matters. I need some thoughts on my situation (me, not her).
Our current situation: She is the woman I married again, actually better than the woman I married. The attention is there, the comfort is there, the sex is there, the care is there. She texts me during the work day, gets excited to come home, shows her excitement when she gets home. She cooks, cleans, does things specifically for me, for us. (things she wasn't doing and I was only doing).
She shows me affection like she's never done before, she's more open and aggressive in that sense, which is nice, but also a little unnerving sometimes (being not use to it). She wants to do everything, even small things, together.
She talks about how much she loves me, tells me so, leaves notes once in a while. She talks about how much she's learned from me over the years, how much I have done for us, how her life wouldn't be the same without me. She talks about me, to me, like I am the end all be all perfect man and when she does it, I can see how sad she is, how remorseful.
She puts her phone where I can clearly see it and rarely if ever picks it up and when she does it's to talk to a family member or to look something up, she's never on her laptop, in fact we're almost always together and it doesn't seem intentional or planned.
When she see's or thinks I am in a mood, not talking, she asks me if I want to talk and she let's me if so. Sometimes I do, sometimes she cries, sometimes it just gets better. Before (for the first 6-8 months) she'd get upset that I would bring up the "same thing", because she put it all in a small box as "one" thing she did, when to me it was a 1000 cuts or she'd just cry and clam up and (her words) think I wanted her out and it was over. Now it's different, she listens, apologizes, knows it wasn't just "one" thing she can package up, tells me how wrong and stupid she was and how she hates herself for it and then tells me she truly loves me. She actively avoids anything that might "trigger" a feeling or remembrance. She is not running away, she is "fighting" for it now and acutely aware, where it didn't seem like she was before.
Honestly, for the amount of stress I have put her through (I know what this sounds like), which was usually me getting super upset/quiet/angry every other week for whatever reason, I am surprised she's still here. I am surprised because I thought it was all fake on her part, a way to hold on to comfort and security when the alternative was very bleak. I am not sure if what I was/am doing was unconsciously testing her resolve or if I was trying to actively push her out. I hate myself when I do that but I also know that this was a life changing event and I have every right to be upset or whatever other feeling I might have (and she vocally agrees with this btw). I should not apologize for my feelings.
In short, it's "perfect" in a sense, there is nothing she is doing that is wrong, nothing she is not doing that she should be. It also doesn't feel like she is just making up for it, or trying too hard and she's expressed her feelings with "this is what I should have always been doing" with what seems like absolute belief and resolve and I believe her.
But that's the rub for me and why I am posting today.
Unfortunately I believe (now) that she may be the type of person who will go "all in" and convince herself of something that might not be real. She did that with the OP, went all in and now it's the same with me (again) and I cannot shake the feeling that while it's not "fake" it's also just a contrived scenario in her head and if something were to happen it could change on a dime. She has convinced herself we are back, I am the one and only and this is true love.
I cannot shake this feeling that it's not as real for her as it is for me and it's very troubling.
Then there's the other thing...
I still see the movies, I still get reminders. It's every day. Sometimes I cry, which is especially hard for me, it's silly but makes me feel weak when it happens. I still ache over what happened and what could have been, what I could have done and what she actually did.
I also occasionally feel trapped, I initially gave this a shot not only because of shock and being hurt but also for my youngest, I did not want him to have to go through what I did as a child and I am a better man than my father. Then I see her smile at me, like she used to, and I melt.
I sometimes feel unattractive, worthless even as she is literally telling and showing me otherwise.
I am also oddly jealous, or maybe that's just anger... I am pissed off that she got to experience "new" that she got to experience all the amazing things one experiences with a "new" person, a new "love" and just come back and me, I get nothing. It's stupid, really f-ing stupid and I know it, but it's there.
Then this last weird one...
I feel like if this had never happened, that we would still be just two people in a house, telling each other that they loved each other but one not happy with their life, the other just complacent with whatever he got. In other words, I would have been forever living with someone not capable of being happy and me being (understandably) oblivious to it. Now we have a shot at true happiness, two being as one and sharing everything where we might not have previously.
So therefore, this was a good thing that happened and I HATE, absolutely HATE believing/realizing this.
I mean, YES, the obvious is that we talked (or she talked) and we worked it all out beforehand but hindsight is never valid, that was never going to happen and never going to result in what we have now so therefore... ugggh. WTF!!!
Is this all "normal" is this sounding like a path to true reconciliation, my doubts, my fears, her actions, her changes? Does it seem right and real? Will it pass, or ease? Am I looking at years, or until I die before I can let it go?
15 comments posted: Thursday, September 9th, 2021