Wow. Just so much to get through, to think through.
It appears you are so invested in getting back to “Pre A” that you are already making excuses for your WW and her behavior.
I understand why you and others might think I am making excuses for her. I am a rational and logical person, I see a problem, I dissect it, break it into parts to find out what the issue is. That is what I am doing here with the advice, words and my thoughts in response.
I am NOT making excuses for her. I read back my own responses and I see why one would think that, but I am not doing that. Honest.
I hope I’m wrong, but I see this shaping up to be one of those 40+ page threads where you insist you know better than the collective wisdom of dozens of supporters, want to argue with supporters trying to tell you the truth, that your WW is different than all the rest of the WWs, that if you just minimize it, it will all go away.
You are wrong. That's a good thing. If someone tells me to divorce, I'll never recover, or she'll always cheat, or she never actually ever loved me, then yes, I will probably discount that, but all the words ARE getting through to me.
Again, it might seem like it, but I am NOT making excuses for her. Here or in my head.
I read your entire post just so you know but
Also, try a little humility.
I am ashamed, embarrassed, scared among many things, the way I organize my thoughts and write them down here, is not really an indicator of my self-esteem at the moment. If I am coming off with some hubris, it's unintentional and false. I consider everyone here to be an unfortunate "expert" and me the newbie on his first day. I bristle hard when someone tries to shock me into an emotion with "she fucked him for a year man" or "his cum inside her" and other things that don't really need to be repeated over and over, but that's just knee jerk.
Others have talked about the need to discuss and document every little detail, I don't really think I am "ready" for that? I have the texts for example, not ready to face them. Is that ok, does it need to be right now? That's the hard part, I can open them anytime I want...
& dealing her no consequences for her failings
I have read about consequences for her quite a few times in this thread. I do not know what that actually means. What does a consequence for a cheating spouse look like?
Is it spilling and telling everything, is is her accepting GPS on her phone and a car tracker? Is she to do 100 pushups every night? If I believed this wasn't bothering her, what she did, I would not be trying at all. If I believed she truly was a monster, again.. Maybe I will believe these things soon, I am not sure.
Not to belittle or disparage anyone else, but your post was the most on target for me personally. Your post said "You are Me".
There should no longer be intimate mutual secrets between these two illicit lover.
What does this specifically mean? I need to know what exactly? Like did she do anal for the first time ever with the OM? Did she use a sex swing? I am not trying to be crass or snarky. I know what they did, we all know what adults do, even if it isn't on a DVD I can pop in and watch. I do not think I need those intimate details.
DO I really need that? (legitimate question)
Or does this mean something else like a secret place or something?
Personally, I would read all the texts. I would want to know what she said about me and our relationship. Might be incredibly revealing. Might be not as bad as you imagine or, it might be something absolutely unforgivable that poses a danger to you and your family and your future.
I am not sure words said to someone else to start or keep a sexual relationship going is any worse than the actual act of betrayal, so I do not see the point of using words she might have typed in a text before they got together, or to start the affair as relevant. She's already told me her "why" of sorts and I am pretty sure, because they were devastating to me, that nothing else could make me feel worse. Am I fooling myself here? Is this a typical response?
I mean, I understand that at some point she must have said or wrote the equivalent of "My husband sucks, never there for me, never does anything". I also understand that there will be some "can't wait to see your dick tonight" shit. I don't see how physically seeing that with my eyes serves any purpose. I already know it's there, it has to be there.
So.. again, Am I fooling myself here? Is this a typical response?
Your WS should proactively ditch the conspiring friend and anyone else who did not discourage this incredibly destructive behavior.
Good news on that front? I checked her FB and that person is no longer in her friends list. I do not want to talk about this person with her because she does not know I can access her FB yet.
I also saw a test the waters message she sent an attorney 3 weeks ago, she responded a week ago (I missed this one) thanking him for his response, no longer need any services. (to which he said "congrats, hope it works out").. She also removed herself from a group of really toxic people. Not specifically about this subject, just really toxic unhappy women.
So either incredibly crafty deceit or progress, I choose to believe the latter at this time.
You’re in damage assessment and just palliative damage control mode right now. You need to know the extent of the damage so you can decide whether to save or abandon ship
I think I am currently at 80% on this truth. These posts will hep me get to 100%, then I assume the shits really going to hit the fan. I think that's when I am going to hit the "angry" phase.
Can I ask... is the angry phase a make or break, like when the BS gets angry, is there a sign or a common theme among WS who are truly remorseful and not?
I would suggest bringing up, a post-nuptial contract as a condition for reconciliation significantly limiting her assets, should she cheat again. If she balks, take that as a warning.
That is a great idea. I read it somewhere before (here maybe?), but I am definitely going to do this. Any resources I can find for that, just to put a simple one together to hand to her and see if she whips out the pen? She's not a lawyer, to her it will feel 100% even if I do not actually get it done right away in a professional manner.
Things right now are looking like you are on track but I am afraid the time is coming when it all hits you again, when you think that you have it under control. Do you have any reason to be sure this is her first and only affair?
Just the digital trails going back 12 years or so. Nothing other than that and her word, which obviously cannot be trusted.
To everyone else, I am reading... thank you. Please know my thoughts are often jumbled, I am often a little distraught when I come here and even though I am trying my best I am still stumbling my way through this.