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Just Found Out :
How the New Year started

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Westway ( member #71747) posted at 10:34 PM on Wednesday, June 3rd, 2020

After the mediation today my STBXW sent a text saying that she was sorry for being a failure and that she didn't want to talk about it.

Typical cowardly avoidance. This will be her pattern going forwards, and this is why none of her relationships going forward will ever work out.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8548165
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 12:26 AM on Thursday, June 4th, 2020

Well, how my New Year started. I just found out the extent of the betrayal from the last A and it snowballed from there...

New Year’s Eve was on a luxurious tropical island, lobster and champagne. Dancing the night away, watching fire works.

I forced myself to kiss STBXWH at midnight. It was bittersweet.

Upon arriving back, I had a funeral to attend. RIP my darling cousin 🙏🏼

I found AP stored address in my car GPS under Favourites. It had been there since October 2018. That was a kick in the guts.

WH had been playing me for a fool once again. The anxiety of keeping these secrets almost killed him and I didn’t really care. The discovery of the extent of the lies continues now. This is slowly killing me.

I let WH back into my life on a web of lies.

I am still trying to untangle myself from it all.

I have never known anyone who could live their entire life doing the wrong thing, lying about it and living like whatever.

WH Is a very special breed of vile and evil.

WH anxiety wasn’t about hurting or losing me. He lost me decades ago...

WHs anxiety was all about losing his meal ticket.

2020 we are living on borrowed time.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Slowly healing from Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 953   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8548183
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 TheLostOne2020 (original poster member #72463) posted at 12:51 PM on Thursday, June 4th, 2020

Robert22205https

Wise move not to respond or allow yourself to be pulled into a discussion of the past (a discussion you won't win).

Right? Like anything I would say would just be for her benefit. I didn't feel I needed to get anything off my chest so I didn't engage.

Best to move on 100% - and focus totally on the future - leading your best life for yourself and your kids.

Yeah, that's what I'm doing. I think I've decided to get my son, who is 9, a cell phone so that he can call me anytime he wants to. My daughter already has one (she's 12). I wanted to get him one when he was 12 and would be walking to school on his own (like his sister) but I think I'm going to go ahead and get him one before that. She's going to be paying the cell phone bill, FYI.

She's broken and will continue to attempt engage. Going forward remember to only discuss the kids/logistics.

No doubt. Actually I think she's going to try to be friends. Which I'm not going to do. I will only talk about kids/logistics and, unfortunately, taxes and a few financial matters. In VA I can't divorce until Jan 2nd 2021, which means we will be filing jointly. Not a huge thing, but it's still just another connection, you know?

steadychevy

I disagree with this very much. This provides the wrong message about commitment in relationships. This will stick with children even if it is explained to them later. They get the idea that if you just get tired of someone, we outgrew each other, we're just not working out then you can simply end the relationship for any little reason.

They could be told that mommy hurt daddy so very badly that he can't live with her anymore. The hurt will last a long, long time. But that daddy loves you children very much and wants the very best for you but that can't include living with mommy.

I am really thinking about all of this. So don't take it as a final thing on my part. I'm continuing to learn and read about what to do. My primary concern is the kids and I'm not jumping to a conclusion about this quickly.

I didn't look back, TheLostOne, to see how old your children are. The language might not be mature enough for them. Basically mommy has proven that she doesn't love daddy and caused him great harm.

ETA: I looked back and saw your children are 8 and 12. You'd be surprised what children at that age know and understand.

I think my daughter might - I've already talked to her about cheating and that sort of thing. Her friend has a boyfriend (of sorts) and is uber paranoid. So I used that as an opportunity to bring it up and discuss how it destroys trust and relationships.

The problem is that I can't just tell her. I'm not keeping a secret from my son about this and he's not ready, I don't think, to know.

Westway

Typical cowardly avoidance. This will be her pattern going forwards, and this is why none of her relationships going forward will ever work out

Dude, she's the queen of cowardly avoidance. I'd actually respect her a little more if she just said that she wanted to end the marriage and try to work something out with the OM. I mean, like a little more respect, she's still a shit person - but this 'I'm paralyzed' bullshit that she's been pulling just has made me lose ALL respect for her. She's not a teenager. She's a damned adult. She knew what she was doing.

Oh, and you don't think a relationship with an unemployed manchild that was based on lies and deceit will work out? But it was unique and special?! LOL.

LadyG

Upon arriving back, I had a funeral to attend. RIP my darling cousin

I'm sorry to hear that.

I found AP stored address in my car GPS under Favourites. It had been there since October 2018. That was a kick in the guts.

These cheaters fucking suck.

WH had been playing me for a fool once again. The anxiety of keeping these secrets almost killed him and I didn’t really care. The discovery of the extent of the lies continues now. This is slowly killing me.

I let WH back into my life on a web of lies.

I am still trying to untangle myself from it all.

I don't look at it like that. You trusted and let him back in. That was a mistake but you did it from a good place, I think. The cheater is the one with the moral bankruptcy and cowardice. No principles.

You now know that he's never going to change. So you have a decision to make - it's a hard decision because of your emotional entanglement.

I have never known anyone who could live their entire life doing the wrong thing, lying about it and living like whatever.

WH Is a very special breed of vile and evil.

WH anxiety wasn’t about hurting or losing me. He lost me decades ago...

WHs anxiety was all about losing his meal ticket.

2020 we are living on borrowed time.

I go back and forth as to whether WW's are evil. They certainly do evil acts, which I define as an action intentionally taken that will hurt/devastate another human being for no greater good.

They do these things because they are selfish, narcissistic, and, well, fucking stupid. Maybe I'm splitting hairs though.

Seems like you and I are in the same space, mentally, as my WW is going to lose her meal ticket and, lets face it, her emotional support. That's something I haven't really brought up in this thread. I'm the one that she has always talked to. The one she unloads her emotional baggage on. Her sisters SUCK at it. One talks AT HER and the other is just completely useless and stops her from talking; she says shit like 'okay, I've had enough, let's talk about something else' after 5 minutes of conversation. I've heard the OM on the phone with her and he's also completely useless - he has the emotional maturity of a five year old. Seriously.

posts: 904   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2020
id 8548282
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Newlifeisgreat ( member #71308) posted at 11:15 AM on Friday, June 5th, 2020

Seems like you’ve got your head In a good spot. Keep it up!!!!

Betrayed Spouse. She cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being Adultery. Divorced: Sept, 2018. VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 696   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8548499
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 11:57 AM on Friday, June 5th, 2020

Divorce lawyers generally recommend against exposure of the cheater for pragmatic reasons. Cornered animals lash out. A cheater exposed to children and family is a cornered animal. If a divorce has a possibility of sailing through relatively peacefully and without a lot of contesting, and especially if the financial result is favorable, then they suggest that you lay low until the ink is dry on the judge's signature on the final decree.

Once that is done, then bring on the big guns of disclosure.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 4183   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8548505
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 TheLostOne2020 (original poster member #72463) posted at 5:41 PM on Friday, June 5th, 2020

Newlifeisgreat

Seems like you’ve got your head In a good spot. Keep it up!!!!

Thanks!

Butforthegrace

Divorce lawyers generally recommend against exposure of the cheater for pragmatic reasons. Cornered animals lash out. A cheater exposed to children and family is a cornered animal. If a divorce has a possibility of sailing through relatively peacefully and without a lot of contesting, and especially if the financial result is favorable, then they suggest that you lay low until the ink is dry on the judge's signature on the final decree.

Once that is done, then bring on the big guns of disclosure.

Believe me, I'm going back and forth on this and I do have the 'lay low' until the divorce is finalized in my head.

In other news the first 'test run' is today. This is something my son asked for. I should be ready to be out next Friday. My son asked for a 'test' sleep over tonight so that's what the kids and I are going to do. If it makes him more comfortable then I'm all about obliging him.

posts: 904   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2020
id 8548598
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 3:59 AM on Saturday, June 6th, 2020

I'm the one that she has always talked to.

Don’t let her suck you back into that role. She fired you from that job. Don’t do it for free.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3694   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8548684
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 TheLostOne2020 (original poster member #72463) posted at 1:10 PM on Monday, June 8th, 2020

Stevesn

Don’t let her suck you back into that role. She fired you from that job. Don’t do it for free.

Not planning to.

I did pass her in the hall the other day and she was taking her dinner downstairs (we usually eat in the kitchen at separate times). I asked her what was up and she said that she needed to eat downstairs because she was upset. I said 'about what' and she said that it didn't matter because I wouldn't believe her. I said okay and went into the kitchen.

She's right, I wouldn't believe her.

I probably shouldn't have even asked her, but it was just really bizarre.

This week I'm taking more stuff over to where I'll be living. I THINK I can get it all in my car, but we will see.

posts: 904   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2020
id 8549123
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Westway ( member #71747) posted at 3:20 PM on Monday, June 8th, 2020

Yeah, stop asking her. You are housemates now, nothing more. She has her life and you have yours.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8549166
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 TheLostOne2020 (original poster member #72463) posted at 12:15 PM on Tuesday, June 9th, 2020

Westway

Yeah, stop asking her. You are housemates now, nothing more. She has her life and you have yours.

Honestly it was kind of reflexive. She's been trying to get my attention with all sorts of shit lately. At 9 last night she texted me saying she was hungry and asked if I wanted anything. I said no. She texted some more but I ignored it.

Between work and moving out I've got too much on my mind.

posts: 904   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2020
id 8549433
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Stinger ( member #74090) posted at 3:58 PM on Tuesday, June 9th, 2020

Ignore the hell out of her. Narcissists hate that. The sooner you can move out, the better.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8549487
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 TheLostOne2020 (original poster member #72463) posted at 1:01 PM on Wednesday, June 10th, 2020

Stinger

Ignore the hell out of her. Narcissists hate that. The sooner you can move out, the better.

I didn't think about that. That's a good point.

Yeah, I'm trying to figure out if I can take off Friday or not. This week has been a busy one at work.

posts: 904   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2020
id 8549671
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fooled13years ( member #49028) posted at 1:41 PM on Wednesday, June 10th, 2020

TheLostOne2020

I swear if not for the property, the kids, etc, this would all be a lot easier

I believe this statement should be required reading for anyone dealing with a WS and they own no assets and have no children but are wondering what to do.

I removed myself from infidelity and am happy again.

posts: 1042   ·   registered: Aug. 18th, 2015
id 8549684
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 TheLostOne2020 (original poster member #72463) posted at 1:51 PM on Wednesday, June 10th, 2020

fooled13years

I believe this statement should be required reading for anyone dealing with a WS and they own no assets and have no children but are wondering what to do.

Right? Yeah, it still hurts and it's a gut punch, but I know I can suffer through the experience. I can/will be okay.

But the kids? Ugh, logically I know they'll be okay with the divorce but fuck man, those are my kids. I love them - they didn't deserve any of this (I didn't either), they are not in control of any of this.

Even the property - it's just things. I can let go of or split or whatever. But figuring out and dealing with kids makes everything monstrously hard. It also means that I have to have (minimal) contact with my STBXW for years to come.

If I didn't have kids I think I would have been gone after that phone call I overheard - as in, left the house and said 'fuck it, fuck you'. I want to say that I might have been gone prior to then, but I really can't tell. I should have been, I'll say that.

posts: 904   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2020
id 8549687
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redwing6 ( member #72593) posted at 3:11 AM on Thursday, June 11th, 2020

TL1,

It also means that I have to have (minimal) contact with my STBXW for years to come.

I've been divorced from my WXW since 1992, since our daughter was 3...and I STILL have to talk to the evil bitch a couple of times a year...[big sigh]...

BH 62, WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings WW #1 56F since remairred twice continues to cheat even today WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage DD adult 33 DSD adult 34 DSS adult 31

posts: 278   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8549968
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 TheLostOne2020 (original poster member #72463) posted at 2:08 PM on Thursday, June 11th, 2020

redwing6

I've been divorced from my WXW since 1992, since our daughter was 3...and I STILL have to talk to the evil bitch a couple of times a year...[big sigh]...

I suspect it's a lot easier though, right?

So tomorrow should be my last day. I've been hauling stuff over. I get the kids this weekend, which wasn't the initial plan, but it's fine. I want them to get adjusted and I suspect they will make this easier for me.

I still have some things to figure out, but i think these are just details. I should be able to get things set up by Friday and have some time on Saturday to finish up.

posts: 904   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2020
id 8550034
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KingofNothing ( member #71775) posted at 2:59 PM on Thursday, June 11th, 2020

So tomorrow should be my last day. I've been hauling stuff over. I get the kids this weekend, which wasn't the initial plan, but it's fine. I want them to get adjusted and I suspect they will make this easier for me.

Wow, what a marathon this has been. I'm very happy for you. You only have this one life to live, I'm glad you took the steps to be happy with yours.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
----------------------------------
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 799   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8550048
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 TheLostOne2020 (original poster member #72463) posted at 3:41 PM on Thursday, June 11th, 2020

KingofNothing

Wow, what a marathon this has been. I'm very happy for you. You only have this one life to live, I'm glad you took the steps to be happy with yours.

Thanks man. It's been Hell. This place helped out a lot.

She's been complete shit and I suspect she will continue to be complete shit.

I think I'm going to cut off all attempts for her to contact me except through text/phone as a preventative step. So blocking her on social media and what have you.

posts: 904   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2020
id 8550063
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NeverTwice ( member #74421) posted at 3:55 PM on Thursday, June 11th, 2020

I have been reading your story and I have to agree with KingOfNothing...what a marathon!

But I have to admire your will and determination...especially with your children. You sir are one hell of a human being...and I am so sorry you are here.

I think I'm going to cut off all attempts for her to contact me except through text/phone as a preventative step. So blocking her on social media and what have you.

This is the best thing you can do right now. Because you can expect her to try and drag you in and stopping it before it starts will spare you a ton of drama. And narcs love drama - make them the center of attention. Don't play her game.

Peace and healing friend.

"Solid boundaries discourage trespassing." - Shirley Glass

posts: 176   ·   registered: May. 12th, 2020   ·   location: Las Tablas, Panama
id 8550068
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 TheLostOne2020 (original poster member #72463) posted at 4:26 PM on Thursday, June 11th, 2020

NeverTwice

I have been reading your story and I have to agree with KingOfNothing...what a marathon!

But I have to admire your will and determination...especially with your children. You sir are one hell of a human being...and I am so sorry you are here.

Thank you - I really appreciate that. I love my kids a lot and honestly if I didn't have them I would not have put up with half the shit that I put up with.

This is the best thing you can do right now. Because you can expect her to try and drag you in and stopping it before it starts will spare you a ton of drama. And narcs love drama - make them the center of attention. Don't play her game.

Peace and healing friend.

Yup, exactly. I've come to discover that she's just a different flavor of diarrhea sandwich than her sisters. Granted, they all have the cheating condiments for their own versions of the sandwich.

I sometimes sit here and think of the other women that I could have pursued - that I rejected for my STBXW. What would traveling down those roads have held for me? Then I think about my kids - I love them and I cannot imagine any other set of kids. So even though I was forced to gag down this sandwich, I would not have changed my partner if I had the chance because then they would be different. I would, however, have cut out of this shit show a lot earlier and just pursued mediation immediately - maybe (?) I'd have been out before Covid? Meh, who knows.

posts: 904   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2020
id 8550075
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