Ok, i am going to try to post without breaking rules about MH not posting as BS sorry if i fail mods. I really struggle with this.
This summer, we had the local version of CPS visit us because my daughter (i believe) told people at her summer child care place that mommy and daddy were fighting and might be divorcing because daddy hurt mommy [by cheating, it wasnt clear how she explained it though, they didnt tell me].
I talked to both kids after, and told them they can ALWAYS tell me, their dad, teachers, etc things that make them scared or worried or feel unsafe. I told them they had done the right thing, telling a trusted adult.
Being investigated to see if our home is safe for our children was pretty much the last thing i wanted to do when i was actively suicidal, days after getting a full disclosure. It is basically what many people fear as a "worst case" scenario of kids talking about what is going on. But you know what? As much as it sucked to go through, this was the system working as it should. My kid overheard stuff. We had talked about what she overheard but she was still uncomfortable and she told someone. That person did their job and reported it. People checked on my kids. They are safe, and the investigation was closed, but i ak glad someone checked.
You are a mandated reporter. You [should] know many kids are not safe, and most wont tell anyone. You should want your kid to seek help if she is scared, or worried or unsafe. From you or from others, but keep telling until someone helps. This is why family secrets are so dangerous. And it is why i used this admittedly uncomfortable, scary, and even embarassing experience to reiterate to my kids that they can always tell someone.
I know you already owned you were wrong, and i dont post this to pile on. Instead, i wanted to offer you a story that may hit close to what you fear if she does tell people. Or it may be more than you even thought. I wanted to share that it happened, it sucked, and we survived. It was ok. And my kids saw they could get help if they felt we needed it. Sometimes it helps to really look at our fears and see if they are really as scary as we believe.
The other thing i wanted to address was this:
I honestly did think I was making improvements, and then I put her in that situation and let it go on for a month.
Look, i havent met a single person on this site who made a perfect first go at fixing their shit. When i read your post, what struck me was how many parallels i saw between you and my husband.
He has done a lot of good work, but its early for him and he screws up. Its been a progression for him, a bit like this:
1) i want to try but i dont know how and cant start. I suck and should give up now.
2) i try but nothing works
3) tell me what to do
4) i think i need to do this, do you agree?
5) i did a lot that worked, yay! OMFG I BROKE IT WTF NOW?!? I suck and should give up!
6) something went wrong, please tell me what i did wrong so i can improve
7) this is where i screwed up. I am sorry. Here is how i plan to fix it. Comments?
You did a lot of the early numbers in the past. You panicked, saw it as hopeless, didnt know what to do.
In this post, you mentioned identifying the possible problem to your husband. You discussed why it was problematic with him. You apologized to her and addressed it. This IS progress. This is good work. Obviously it isnt the end of the road and there is more to do. But there always will be. The important part is you now seem to be doing it