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"When Good People Have Affairs"

SadProfessor posted 12/2/2019 02:16 AM

My WS told me she had started reading this and that she really related to the WS confusion described in the first chapter. I've been reading different books, but thought I'd check this out for a different perspective.

No one should read this book.

I should have realized something was amiss when the author suggested that the WS never tell their primary partner about the affair, if they can. Her justification? It will cause too much unnecessary pain.

The rest of the book is focused on guiding the WS through identifying why they cheated and how to decide which "relationship" they should chose. It is full of absolutes, not grounded in any real research on affairs and their effects, and full of poor logic statements like "it should be obvious that..." or "the only conclusion you can come to is..."

The book is full of victim blaming and excuses/justifications for infidelity. It was truly triggering for me.

There is little acknowledgement of wrong on the part of the WS and no focus on the relationship dynamics. It is all about the WS. When reading it, I couldn't help but think this book will fuel the narcissism and entitlement cheaters have.

There is much more wrong with this book, but you can get a good sense of those from reading the one star reviews on Amazon.

Anyone have any other suggestions for a good book for the WS. Something directed at dealing with confusion, guilt, hurt, the fog, etc.?

nekonamida posted 12/2/2019 17:29 PM

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" is a must read. Be prepared for your WS to dismiss it though if she thought that crap was good and insightful.

DebraVation posted 12/3/2019 04:58 AM

Wow, that book sounds truly dreadful. As if WSs need something to condone and excuse what they did, they're good enough at that already, hence why she 'relates to it'. Anything to tell them it's no big deal eh?

'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass is a good one for identifying where appropriate boundaries should be to avoid the 'slippery slope' of an affair starting. It can be quite trigger for recent BSs though but is a good read for WSs that don't quite get how to handle work colleagues etc safely.

Avoid anything by Esther Perel, she is another affair-apologist.

If she insists on reading that crap (and telling you about how she relates to it ) maybe buy her a book like "When Good People Divorce Your Ass". I don't think that actually exists, I might write it.

Chili posted 12/3/2019 10:11 AM

"When Good People Divorce Your Ass". I don't think that actually exists, I might write it.

Can I contribute a chapter?

I was also wondering if there's a companion book to the "When Good People.." book called: "When Bad People Have Affairs." Wonder if it would be exactly the same.

I browsed like two chapters of that thing and just couldn't. I have decided I'm too old to read bad books. It's ok to start and then be a quitter. That whole crap about WS getting to sit back and "decide which relationship they should choose" just makes me

Delusional to the nth.

(Shirley Glass is a quick and straightforward read for sure. For me, it read like a checklist of everything assclown was *not* doing).

Hang in there SadProfessor - there are some good books out there on infidelity for sure.

3kids30years posted 12/4/2019 13:58 PM

Worst. Infidelity. Book. Ever.

Tossed it after a chapter. WH will not being using that crap to "find" himself.

edited to add -

Just Friends - WAY BETTER!!!

[This message edited by 3kids30years at 1:59 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

cptprkchp posted 12/7/2019 09:23 AM

Good people donít have affairs. I know. I was the WS. Gaslighting 101 should be the real title!

taken4granted posted 12/9/2019 17:30 PM

That is a truly horrible book. I read it. I was disgusted by it. I also read a book about the new reality of marriage and how open marriages are now the norm. I threw up in my mouth reading that one. I like Living and Loving after Betrayal.

Thumos posted 12/17/2019 16:49 PM

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" is a must read. Be prepared for your WS to dismiss it though if she thought that crap was good and insightful.

My WW told me How to Help was "heavy-handed" and "guilt-tripping" her the first time she read it. She held to that as recently as six months ago. I don't know if her opinion has changed or she's just afraid I have 1.5 feet out the door so she's just telling me what I want to hear.

hikingout posted 12/18/2019 11:09 AM

Honestly, beyond Just friends and how to help your spouse heal, there aren't any books I would recommend about affairs for waywards. I tried to read some but they smacked of the same kinds of things you are talking about.

For me, identifying what I needed to work on and finding self help books aligned with those things was much more effective. Conflict avoidance, becoming more vulnerable, boundaries, etc. As for getting really good specific advice about what a BS needs, and specifically what mine needed at different junctures, I got that here. I don't think there could have been anything that was better education in that regard.

I think the best thing a wayward can do is discover who they are, why they are the way they are and what they can do about it. A lot of times people say forget foo, forget this and that...but those are the things that built a person who cheats. That isn't specifically why they chose to cheat, but the work should really be about them and being a better person. If they do that, they will be a better spouse.

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:11 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

gmc94 posted 12/18/2019 18:56 PM

Isn't that Mira Kirshenbaum (or something like that)?

Based on recommendations read on SI, I borrowed three of her books from my library. They were ALL shit. I think her husband had an EA (maybe a PA, but I'm pretty sure EA). The books were basically all about how she contributed to it. I still find it shocking that a therapist who is a BS is also a wayward apologist.

Lalagirl posted 12/27/2019 12:08 PM

buy her a book like "When Good People Divorce Your Ass". I don't think that actually exists, I might write it.

OMG coffee meet keyboard!

gmc94 posted 7/8/2020 18:42 PM

I just stumbled upon an interview with Mira K from 2008, when this "good people" book was published. thought I'd just throw out the reason why this woman should not be earning one red fucking cent from the trash she's written from her high horse:

Should you confess if you feel guilty about it?

No. I've got to tell you that this is very, very important. I'm a person who is just an advocate of truth. I really will do anything to tell the truth, so it took me a long time to get to the point where I say, just don't tell. Because how does it make a person less guilty to inflict terrible pain on someone? Which is exactly what the confession does. It puts the other person in a permanent state of hurt and grief and loss of trust and an inability to feel safe, and it doesn't alleviate your guilt. Your relationship is dealt a potentially devastating blow. Honesty is great, but it's an abstract moral principle.... The higher moral principle, I believe, is not hurting people. And when you confess to having an affair, you are hurting someone more than you can ever imagine. So I tell people, if you care that much about honesty, figure out who you want to be with, commit to that relationship and devote the rest of your life to making it the most honest relationship you can. But confessing your affair is the kind of honesty that is unnecessarily destructive. There are two huge exceptions to not telling: if you're having an affair and you haven't practiced safe sex, even if it's only one time, you have to tell. Again, the moral principle is minimizing the hurt. But this time, the greatest risk of hurt comes from inflicting a sexually transmitted disease, and I've never seen a relationship recover from that. You also have to tell if discovery is imminent or likely. If you're going to be found out, then it's better for you to be the one to make the confession first.

Catwoman posted 7/8/2020 19:51 PM

"When Good People Divorce Your Ass". I don't think that actually exists, I might write it.

My chapter is going to be titled "When Good People are Tired of Your Shit."

I think anything that continues to validate wayward thinking is a very poor choice for healing. In order for a marriage to heal, the WS has to accept responsibility. Not telling, not facing the consequences (when you choose the action, you choose the consequence) and not dealing with the devastating hurt affairs cause is not healing. It's rugsweeping, only the BS doesn't know that the huge pile of crap is under the rug.


gmc94 posted 7/8/2020 20:01 PM

Agree 100% Catwoman.

I can't remember the threads in which folks (can't remember if it was WS or BS) said they got a lot from her books (which prompted me to search them out... thank GOD I didn't shell out any $ for them).

I just happened upon this old interview and about lost my cookies she is so full of shit. Didn't think it was possible to be even LOWER and more wayward apologist than Esther Perel, but apparently it is.

Hedwig posted 7/9/2020 04:45 AM

Holy shit, gmc94, that part you quoted. Barf. "Minimizing the hurt is the higher moral principle." Is it, Mira, is it? How do people make so much money out of so much bullshit?

Catwoman posted 7/9/2020 08:52 AM

Actually, I was very surprised to see this drivel coming from this particular author, as I thought her book "Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave" was very good. It takes the reader through many marriage scenarios and dissects each one. It's been many years since I've read it, but I remember thinking at the time it was a well-thought-out read. Not sure when she lost her marbles or her level-headed thinking, but it was somewhere along the way.


steadychevy posted 7/9/2020 15:08 PM

I read "Too Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay" twice and thought it was really good. It's the only one of hers I've read. It will be the only one. I'm shocked at what has been revealed about this one.

Must be a short book.

Title: When Good People Have Affairs
Chapter 1: They don't.
The End

steadychevy posted 7/9/2020 15:10 PM

"When Good People Divorce Your Ass".

"When Good People are Tired of Your Shit."

Looks like a best seller to me.

Chaos posted 7/13/2020 13:45 PM

I'm late to this game. I was going to chime in with my Cliffs Notes but steadychevy beat me to it.

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