Okay, I went back and read a bit, so hopefully I can cover the big stuff.
HHADL - Girl, you are amazing for going out and delivering things. I know you have to to pay bills, but I so appreciate everyone who is working with the public right now. I hope people are giving good tips to their delivery drivers! I have been overtipping my Amazon/Whole Foods delivery peeps in hopes that they know how appreciated they are! Side note: awesome that your therapist is being so flexible with you so that you can keep that outlet in your life.
GMC - I think you are CRAZY strong to be living in your house with WH. Ellie hit the nail on the head with this...
the THING is the underlying contempt and disregard.
. It's never about the little stuff. It is what the intent is behind the actions. Or in WH's case, the lack of regard for others. Perhaps this time is to strengthen your walls, your resolve and to really push you out of limbo? Sending love.
TG - Love the OLD. Holy crap on the people who are offering up themselves after temp checks. It must be good entertainment on the insanely boring nights!!
Shubininte - If you are still reading here, I can relate to a bit of this. I was not a virgin, but my WH was. Hence why I believed he did not sleep with her. I knew he was always embarrassed that I was his only, but I didn't realize how deeply that ran. He was ALWAYS feeling insecure when friends talked about sex lives. Funny, he added fucking a married whore at a conference in Vegas, in a parking garage at work and getting a blow job in a parking lot. All while both were married. None of those is he proud of and will ever brag about. Great way to pad your sexual resume, right? It's a huge sticking point for me. He gave her something NO ONE else had ever had. All for nothing. He didn't ever think he loved her, he was just a desperate coward.
As for me, I think I'm on a POLF lately. We did do something helpful today. If anyone remembers, the cOWhore left behind some of her things in the office when she left last year. One of which was a chair. Well, unfortunately the entire department she headed was let go from the company, including someone who lives near us. When WH called this person, they asked him to bring something back the next time he went to the office (no one is working there right now and this person did not want to go up there - I'm sure it's emotional ) Anyways, I know this person too, so WH and I went up there together and decided to clean out the entire space of this person and bring it to her. Also gave us the chance to take that damn chair out of the office (we took it to the person who was let go and pretended like we thought the whore had left it for her since they were friends prior to this company as well) and clear out any sign the whore left behind. And we did! I walked into every room in that place, took down any existing pictures, etc. It was VERY cathartic. WH felt the same and was surprised that I wanted to go, but glad that it was something I found helpful. I appreciate the fact that he is willing and supportive in doing these things - to make me feel a bit of closure in any way possible. I just let that whore and his choices take SO MUCH from me for the past three years. I can't be scared of her memory forever. I deserve to live my life however I choose. Whether I stay with WH or not, she isn't worthy of that much space in my life.
The only negative on giving the person her chair? I had already been daydreaming about taking an axe to it.
I actually pre-ordered Stephanie Carnes' next book called Courageous Love, which seems to be kind of a guide for how to recover.
On an unrelated note - is anyone else at the end of the COVID rope? I feel like I'm crazy. I've been really really good about staying home. I've gotten everything delivered, we've picked up food maybe 5 times since mid-March, but our mental health is really not so great. A 15 year old boy who can't play sports, a 12 yo girl who loves school and friends, and me, who LOVES being alone. We are all losing it very slowly. Oh, and our MC backed out of our last appt at the beginning of April (it was actually the 3rd anniversary of DDay 1) and when I told her that, has never responded. Have not heard a peep and not sure what to do about that. Our old counselor has checked in twice.
I hope you are all well. Or as well as can be. I've been reading (and really listening to books) like crazy.
Glennon Doyle's Untamed in AMAZING. Truly. Read it. Love her. Loved it. So much that I'm buying in print so I can underline shit. Also, loving her "morning meetings" on Instagram. And love watching her relationship with her wife. Makes you hopeful that sometimes life change is really good.
Also, reading Quit Like A Woman. It's about the culture of alcohol in society - especially relating to women. Makes me second guess my quarantine uptick in consumption. I think after I get out of this house, I'll make some serious changes.
Thinking of everyone!! Sending love and strength.
[This message edited by TX1995 at 10:22 PM, April 23rd (Thursday)]