(((Tallgirl))) I'm so sorry!
Let it all out! IIRC you're still living apart, which at least gives you the opportunity to cry your eyes out alone. Do you have any IRL support you can lean on? I know you can't go out and meet with many people right now due to corona crap, but maybe a video chat with a friend or close family member who knows the situation?
Come here and vent anytime you need! Is there anything we ladiez can provide for you other than internet hugs?? Let us know!
GMC, sorry to hear about your DD's BF's cheating. Wasn't aware they were poly, is that part of the reason you think there is something untoward about the way the BF treats her? I've known a few girls to get sucked into poly relationships and/or threesomes because they didn't want to disappoint their BFs, or they thought that agreeing to it would keep them from leaving. Coerced polyamory feels icky, kind of like that "pimp" vibe you mentioned before.
It kinda makes sense now why she chose to stay with him instead of you guys... she probably had her suspicions and felt like if she left he would definitely stray, so she wanted to keep tabs on him. She made the mistake of thinking that proximity could prevent infidelity. Unfortunately we've all found out the hard way how untrue that is.
And good for you for not sharing SI with her! If she comes across it on her own, so be it, but this should stay your safe place. I too thought about showing DD20 the site. But TBH, I don't think that *most* people in their early 20s would even benefit from SI. Think about how stubborn and naive we all were when we first got here, many of us thinking that our story was "different" than all the rest, resistant to advice because our cheater isn't like all the other cheaters. Now imagine coming here in your 20s, and how pig-headed you might be when people are telling you to 180, to stop rug sweeping, set boundaries, and not to give in when they inevitably push those boundaries. I know I certainly wouldn't have listened when I was her age (I'm making assumptions on her age here, might be wrong).
Not to say that nobody in that age range can benefit. I just think you have to have a certain level of emotional maturity that many people just don't have at that age. We're still young and figuring our shit out. I've noticed that most new members are at least in their 30s, some late 20s. The few early 20s JFO posts I've seen have disappeared pretty quickly.
I wish I could sew masks! My sewing machine got jammed right before DDay, and I never took the time to take it in for maintenance. I've tried to fix it myself, but am afraid to mess with it too much and cause irreparable harm.
And yes, lack of initiative was a huge thing that used to piss me off. Actions and words not matching up too. I kind of got used to the idea that nothing would ever get done if I didn't at least remind him of it. I wouldn't always go so far as to set the actual appointment, but I might call and remind him to do it himself.
Do you think it's his way of testing you to see if you're still "in"? Like if you keep butting in to talk about recovery, or going to his CSAT, that proves to him that you still care enough?
When XH got his vasectomy reversal, he ended up having a lot of testicular pain. For months he complained about it. I told him to call the doctor, to set up a follow up appointment, or even just to go to the regular doctor to get checked out. I suggested he look up forums where other men may have dealt with similar issues, maybe he could get some insight there. Mostly though, he would complain, and I would say, well then go see a doctor. He never did anything, just said he was fine, until he had some other reason to be annoyed, then he would bring up the pain again.
In the aftermath of DDay I discovered that my refusal to fawn all over him while he was in pain, to make appointments for him etc., was one of the many justifications he used to prove that I just didn't love him, ergo, he needed to find someone who did. Enter OW. Basically, the complaining about the pain was one of his ways of testing me. He wanted to see if I would take the bait.
The shitty part is, with these passive aggressive types that's never the whole story. If I had taken the bait and helped him, called doctors, insisted he made an appointment etc., well then I would be controlling and nagging and "on his case." If I loved him more I would just let him live his life and be supportive. By not taking the bait, I also proved to him that I didn't care enough. They consistently put us in these Catch 22 situations where they have already made up their mind that they're going to be annoyed, or feel unloved, or whatever therefore it literally doesn't matter what you do anymore.
Do you feel like he is testing you in some way? Like, when you specifically suggest to him that he do something one way - like setting several appointments in advance so he doesn't have to wait - and he doesn't end up doing it that way, do you think it's a deliberate choice? Like is he testing to see if you will nag or otherwise react in a negative way? Or is it truly just a lack of prioritization on his part, where he thinks it's not as important as it is?