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Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 3

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cocoplus5nuts posted 11/18/2019 07:23 AM

Ho ho ho merry shitmas.

I missed this before. This is going to be my mantra until the day after Christmas!

OMG! You guys nailed it! You confirmed everything I was thinking. His answers are conflict avoidant and dishonest. I'm sure he won't see it that way. But, yeah, his responses cause the very conflict he's trying to avoid. I get angry and frustrated that he's not answering honestly.

He describes his childhood as almost idyllic. No yelling. No corporal punishment. His dad was strict and sometimes harsh. One time, fch got drunk. His dad made him get up early the next morning and work on the roof in the hot sun while he was hungover and sick. Another time, fch either took or expressed interest in smoking cigarettes because his mom smoked. They made him smoke an entire pack one after the other until he was sick. I think he was somewhere between 9 and 12 years old. I consider that abusive, but he doesn't. His mother would sometimes not tell his dad about their escapades so they wouldn't get in trouble.

It is very obvious to me that he gets defensive. He doesn't want to get in trouble. He thinks I'm personally attacking him.

Yes, Ellie, I am very intuitive. People who know me well call me an empath. My fch has always said that I know him better than he knows himself. I know when he's upset even when he doesn't. I used to be able to tell when my brother had had just one beer even when he tried to hide it. I could tell when my ex was just thinking about getting high.

It is dishonest. It is lying by omission. It is wayward thinking and behavior. Even if he's not cheating, it makes him an unsafe partner.

He is not in IC. He does go to a weekly support group. I know that part of the program is becoming honest and authentic and not being CoD. I don't think he gets the honesty in all things part. He needs IC, but I doubt he'd get to the things he needs from it. Last time he did IC, all they focused on was me.

If you don't mind, Ellie and gmc, I'd like to share your responses with him. I won'tshow him this thread. I'll copy the posts and send them to him.

Oh, other people this happens with. It's all online. I have a few Facebook groups I belong to for various things. One is a group of mom friends, small. A bunch of knitting and crochet groups. A health and wellness group. I will ask a question and get a response that doesn't actually answer my question. I can't think of an example right now.

DaisyAnne posted 11/18/2019 07:34 AM

I can see!!

Friday's Lasik surgery went well! Right after I was still fuzzy and blurry, which my doctor said is perfectly normal. He said once i wake up from my 2 hour nap I will see a big improvement and he will be my best friend. He was right!!! So amazing! At my follow-up the next morning my vision was 20/20 (20/20 for 2020 like Ellie said!! ). My doctor said that it is likely to get even better over the next week or so. So glad I did this for myself!

Right after my follow-up appointment we headed down for my daughter's cheer competition 2.5 hours away. Her comp was on Sunday but we spent the weekend to make it more of a getaway. I have to say, even with all the eye drops and my eyes feeling uncomfortable at times, I had a great weekend! One of the best parts: I didn't think of infidelity once. Well, that's not true.... once when my FWH told me he is so glad that I "kept him" and how much he loves me. The more as time goes on, I think he really just can't believe what he did and how he almost threw our family away. Same for me, buddy.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/18/2019 07:38 AM

I forgot one thing.

Yes, I had a few ideas about what probably happened with my shirt. I left folded laundry on our bed. Fch said he was going to lie down. I told my 12 year old to get his clothes off the bed and put them away so fch would have room. My shirt was laying on his side of the bed because that's the side near the closet. Our dog likes to jump on our bed.

My 12 year old could've moved it. The dog could've knocked it around. My fch could've put it over there. I asked because I wasn't sure which it was.

I'm pretty sure my fch knows where that shirt goes. It's a long sleeved pullover athletic thing to wear over a t-shirt. All my long sleeved shirts get hung up. We've been together over 20 years. He knows that.

My fch probably answered the way he did because he knew I'd be like, "WTF?", if he told me he put it there. My next question would've been, "Why didn't you hang it up?" He probably anticipated that because it was a passive aggressive move on his part. I left my stuff on his side of the bed. He got pissy about it and moved onto my side so I couldn't lay down without having to do something with it. Stupid ass mind games!

I think he's pissed at me because I stopped folding and putting away his clothes. I stopped doing that because he started doing the Marie Kondo thing. That all seems way too complicated to me and a waste of time. I don't even know how to fold things her way.

He complained about me not doing it recently even though I told him when he started that I wasn't going to do that. I was already folding his clothes a special way that is a pita to me. I told him again why I wasn't folding his clothes. He made some comment about how he'd like it if I just folded them and put them away however. He went out of town. I did laundry. I didn't want his clothes just laying around all week, so I folded them my way and put them away. As soon as he returned and saw the clothes I had folded and put in his dresser, he took them all out and refolded them. Why would I waste my time folding his clothes if he's just going to undo all my work?

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/18/2019 07:39 AM

That's wonderful, Daisy! My fch ended up with 20/15 vision.

sickofsurviving posted 11/18/2019 08:12 AM

Hi ladies.

Daisy, that is great about your lasik! I worked for eye surgeons for 25 years. Post op day for lasik was always my second favorite day. My first favorite was surgery day. My patients were all unconscious! Lol.

Oh my god! The not answering questions thing! My cheater will say a bunch of words, but NEVER answer what I asked.

He also takes everything as a reprimand. His "dad" was a mean guy. His mother is like mine. Critical, opinionated. Lots of corporal punishment on both sides. I called my mother Joseph Mengele. That bitch was an expert at torture.

So I'm thinking about giving up and "rug sweeping". That's why I have been quiet. Trying to make decisions. The reality is, I'm at the upper end of my life expectancy. I can't, for the life of me, imagine starting over. Dead broke.

As long as I dont mention his cousin fucking, he is so nice. Just like he was before. No screaming. No abuse.

I just can't be around him and pretend everything is like it used to be. I dont want to cuddle. I dont want to hold hands. I especially don't want to hear about what a cute couple we are.

As long as he is in our truck, and I'm in the house, I think I can do this. We communicate only by text. He will come here for Thanksgiving with me and my girls. He can tell himself we are still 1 big happy family, and I get to finish my life not in a shelter.

So I've just been doing me. Decorating my house. I absolutely love to decorate. It's coming along well. I ordered curtains. They will be here for Christmas. (He and his cousin ruined that too) Today I'm lining my cabinets with the coolest contact paper. I am loving the way it's looking in here. Just a few more little things...

Lostheart8 posted 11/18/2019 09:29 AM

HeHad - thank you for the amazing reply. Got me thinking. So appreciate it. Big hugs.

Sigh. My EXBF is back in contact. Wants to talk to clear the air. Heís admitting that he has made a huge mistake. That heís realizing he doesnít understand why he got himself involved with the bitch.

Oh course, Iím not nice. He was like ďwow youíre bluntĒ.

I am grateful, he said somethings that I found healing to this big gapping wound.

It felt really good to tell him Iím closing the door on him. Told him he doesnít want me back because Iím going to demand that he be a better man and I donít think heís up for that.

He was upset that Iím closing the door. WTF? At what point does a WS wake up and realize what a selfish, shitty man you are?

That felt good to say.

From this horrible experience, I will always love me more than any man. What a huge step for me. Iím hoping I can stay stable in that mind set.

Had a 5th date with peter, Iím done with him. Heís very passive. He wants me to make decisions and guide the way. Ugh that was like my EXH. Not doing that again.

I might be ready for a second dog.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/18/2019 10:25 AM

LH, can you block your ex?

gmc94 posted 11/18/2019 10:58 AM

At what point does a WS wake up and realize what a selfish, shitty man you are?
I dunno why, but this made me LOL. Maybe bc my knee jerk response is: I have no fucking clue, but if you figure it out, will you fill me in?

Chaos posted 11/18/2019 11:04 AM

At what point does a WS wake up and realize what a selfish, shitty man you are?

I dunno why, but this made me LOL

Right?!?! I'm reading your response in the voice of the owl from the Tootsie Pop commercial.

20yrsagoBS posted 11/18/2019 11:46 AM

Egads Chaos!

I did the same!

EllieKMAS posted 11/18/2019 12:30 PM

At what point does a WS wake up and realize what a selfish, shitty man you are?

At what point does the tide stop coming in? At what point does the US go to the metric system? At what point does the sun rise in the west?

Yeah people like your xwbf and my xshitbag literally NEVER come to that realization.

crazyblindsided posted 11/18/2019 13:47 PM

At what point does a WS wake up and realize what a selfish, shitty man you are?

Never, mine won't anyways. He doesn't understand why I'm not begging him back

GMC I say go somewhere fun for Thanksgiving! I'm going out to see my family as usual as my STBX has always hated Thanksgiving. He's never been a big 'holiday' person like me.

I'm going all out this year for Christmas too. Already decorated the whole house. Probably irritates the f**k out of STBX since he celebrates a different holiday, but I do both with the kids.

I won't let STBX take one more bit of holiday happiness from me and if he does I will just have to add more decorations

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:47 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

Lostheart8 posted 11/18/2019 16:58 PM

Lol. Wow I started a revolution! We need to make it a bumper sticker? Iím pissing myself at the responses.

Yeah, I can block him. He doesnít really bother me. Heís not rude or abusive. He canít control me. Thereís no longer any urge on my end to connect to him.

Iím finding some our brief conversations healing. Itís weird, Iím so comfortable with myself, I can tell when heís lying and when heís being above board.

I have no fire in my pants for him. Meh.

Iíll continue to do my work on myself and heal my wounds. He can go and do whatever he needs to do. Whatever that is.

Saturday night live had a segment called ďJoanĒ. YouTube it. Thatís where Iím headed. If Iím going to pick up shit, it might as well go into a doggie poop bag.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/18/2019 17:53 PM

SOS, I'm not sure that's rugsweeping. I think rugsweeping would be if you went back to being a doting, loving wife. That's not the same as saying, "Ya know what? Fuck it! I'm going to live my life regardless of him." I think that's more like taking your power back.

Have you read about the 180? It sounds a lot like that's what you want to do. That would be a good thing for you.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/19/2019 07:32 AM

H didn't come home last night. He called to tell he'd probably be at work until midnight. They were doing a surprise response exercise. He texted this morning to say they didn't finish until 5 am. He got about 2 hours hours of sort of sleep and, now, has to work all day. I might see him at dinner tonight.

I don't care. The only thing I was a little perturbed about was that he didn't text me to tell me they were staying all night, and he didn't text me 1st thing this morning
But, I know he probably couldn't text last night and was exhausted and crashed as soon as they were done. He did text me when he got up.

Lostheart8 posted 11/19/2019 10:07 AM

Coco you are brave. I would be highly triggered.

You win the shitmas gift prize.

EllieKMAS posted 11/19/2019 10:46 AM

Merry shitmas....

I can't adopt that one - I am already known as the grinch in my fam.

Coco - Yeah, I would be pissed.

I started reading a new book this week called 'Not Nice'. Really liking it so far. I officially cannot afford therapy at the moment so I am going to try to do reading and stuff on my own. And found out yesterday that I had so much vaca time left that is 'use or lose' that I am only working 12 days in Dec. Which sounds great, but time off is questionable for me right now (TBH I'd rather be able to sell the days back and get the $). So I decided last night that I am going to make a reading list and a honey-do list for myself to fill up all those hours with. Any other book suggestions?

Chaos posted 11/19/2019 10:53 AM

Coco - how are you doing? That's a 10 on the Trigger Richter Scale [TRS] for sure. Also - what are you doing nice for you today?

Ellie - what kind of books are you looking for? Self help, mystery, drama, fluff?

And...FUCK Tuesday's. Who the fuck drank all the office coffee. It's only 11:45 damn it. I need coffee.

20yrsagoBS posted 11/19/2019 10:54 AM


I agree on the second dog. Much less trouble than a man!

Sorry Peter was too passive

EllieKMAS posted 11/19/2019 12:12 PM

Well.. his name was Peter... I immediately thought Peter Pan. And nooooooo.... no perpetual children!!

Books - I have plenty of fluff books. So looking for self-betterment books. I already have Codependent No More, Fuck Feelings, Stop Doing that Shit.. and 4 or 5 Brene Browns, and a few others. Just wanted to know if there are any books that really helped any of you that I should think about pickin up.

I second the motion - fuck Tuesdays!

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