SumofOne posted 9/17/2019 08:05 AM

NSA is tricky, but I have always been super honest with those situations. Sure it has cost me a few "notches on my bedpost" but most of the time the women haven't minded and might be looking for the same.

I haven't ever thought about being a woman's mistake. It is interesting to me and I am trying to think if anyone regrets hooking up with me. I can't think of a time they would...I mean they might regret it because the performance wasn't what it needed to be .

What am I saying...my performance is always off the charts amazing. Like a life-altering experience.

DevastatedDee posted 9/17/2019 08:19 AM

Cats, for me it was partly "This fuckwit cannot be the last person I had sex with if I died today". Is that factoring in, do you think? Not that I find that to be a bad thing, I just wondered if it was just me who had that particular issue after breakups with idiots.

BigBlueEyes posted 9/17/2019 09:28 AM

If I die my STBXWH cannot be the last person I sleep with, touch, kiss, or anything intimate tbh.

I hadn’t thought of this till now

Incarnate posted 9/17/2019 09:36 AM

If I die my STBXWH cannot be the last person I sleep with, touch, kiss, or anything intimate tbh.

I hadn’t thought of this till now.

I get that. For me, it's "I can't let this be the ONLY person I've ever been intimate with."

She may have been playing every position in the field, but I've only ever sat in the dugout. It's time to get up to bat. I'ma show her what a home run looks like instead of choking up and bunting it.

WhoTheBleep posted 9/17/2019 10:42 AM

"This fuckwit cannot be the last person I had sex with if I died today".

Dee!!! This was not my initial motivation when I finally got off the bus a few months ago, but I will admit it was the first thing I thought of DURING the act. I was like f*** yes!! So THIS is what new sex feels like after 20 years with the biggest asshole I've ever met!! I'm erasing him in this very moment!

And I know it was 100 times better for me than it ever was for WH, the serial cheater, The bottomless pit of need. Because I wasn't lying to anyone. I kept my integrity. We were two completely single (not yet legally dangit) people enjoying each other. And there was no guilt. I was 100% certain I deserved to feel good. And holy crap, I did.

DevastatedDee posted 9/17/2019 10:45 AM

Ha ha, so sex with a new person as a palate cleanser isn't just me.

SumofOne posted 9/17/2019 13:11 PM

I know when I was younger, if I had a painful break-up I thought I could just screw my ex out of my head. Like, if I have sex with 5 people that means I am over her, or at the very least everyone else will think I am over her.

So amazingly stupid.

Shehawk posted 9/18/2019 01:38 AM

It hurts. And it is lonely.
I know the pain of the stbx who does not touch you. It is more of the abuse of infidelity.

I am so very sorry you are experiencing this.

The key for me is to feel the pain and the desire and the longing and still choose wisely. I judge no one for what their wisely is, but wisely for me is to wait for the right man and the right timing.

Sorry for the reverse tmi, but no sex is without risk of STDS except monogomous sex with a partner who is STD free so there is that.

Also for me sex is an energy exchange. And I am even more selective about that having survived the devastation of exchanging energy with a man who betrayed me (think aweful sucking sound that left me for dead). I have found that the intensive healing work I have done becoming more polarizingly feminine is seriously potent stuff that I only want to share with the right man (not a cheater) in the right context (for me monogomous marriage).

Also there is the itty bitty tiny problem that I am terrified even by the thought of being intimate..like serious panic and anxiety here.

I wish you well in your healing including sexually.

Shehawk posted 9/18/2019 01:50 AM

Oh and trust me. If for no other reason than to live long enough to get a palate cleanse from the lying sloppy seconds I got dished out to me, I am working really hard to survive infidelity and thrive.

DevastatedDee posted 9/18/2019 08:31 AM

There's not a darned thing wrong with wanting sex in an emotionally safe monogamous relationship. I am very capable of casual sex and I enjoy it, but there is no sex quite like sex with a partner you love and trust.

Ganondorf posted 9/18/2019 08:54 AM

I know the feeling.

I don't even know how to get laid. Almost 6 months now. Suuuuuuucks.

LilBlackCat posted 9/18/2019 15:24 PM

I wanted to also toss in that the new Facebook dating is free and there's a lot of people there..

Interestingly, I have gotten some hits there.. of which I had to shy away from a couple and a few others are non-responsive.. but it's the best results I've gotten from any app so far.

Emotionalhell posted 9/19/2019 06:30 AM

I have been living like a nun for 5 years. Wayward used his health issues as an excuse durning the first few years. I know differently now.
The first few years I was okay with living like a nun. Not so much anymore. I miss a lot of the closeness intimacy brings. My issues #1 I am still with WH. 2 I. am still in IC trying to work on my anxiety issues related to sex. 3 scared of all the STD’s out there and weirdos 4 I have to know someone to have sex with them. I understand not everyone is like that

I too have those moments where my sex drive is crazy high and difficult to ignore. Taking care of myself only angers me bc of this I infidelity s****

If you do find someone use protection. Don’t trust them to tell you the truth. Just bc someone does not have symptoms does not mean they don’t have an STD

Emotionalhell posted 9/19/2019 17:30 PM

I had t that of it as Wh husband being the last person I had sex with. Boy oh boy is this does this have me thinking

CatsNTats posted 9/19/2019 21:22 PM

@EH, I'm not familiar with your story. I do see you have 2 WH (me too) and a common interest in yoga. I'm sorry you've had to live that way. Are you still with your WH?

One thing I learned in therapy is that if we don't give ourselves enough time after one bad relationship, we'll wind up in one just like the last one we got out of.

It sounds like it is time to go. No one should have to live like that. Not only is the A abusive, but so is having sex with held because he's giving it to someone else.

FUCK. THAT.

Stop wasting your life with this person. We only get one - life.

If you ever want to chat, feel free to message me. It took me a while to get out. I have been there.

Shehawk posted 9/20/2019 13:00 PM

Oh Cats. Please noooo never ever again

I have been working so very hard on myself to never again be that woman.

"One thing I learned in therapy is that if we don't give ourselves enough time after one bad relationship, we'll wind up in one just like the last one we got out of."

Incarnate posted 9/20/2019 13:33 PM

Went barhopping by myself last night. Decided it was better than staying home and triggering at the ex all night. Ended up chatting up a lady a few years older than me. We were surrounded by a bunch of younger 20-somethings, and they were noisy af. About that time, I said; "So, it's noisy as shit here. You wanna go grab some mozz sticks at Applebees or something?"

Her response; "That sounds -awesome-, but I have to work from tomorrow morning until tomorrow night late. Now, if you had said Buffalo Wings, I'd probably have been down, but if I go to Applebees, I'll have a few more drinks and I need to not be tired tomorrow. I can't be bringing anyone home. Not tonight."

Well, that was a huge boost to my ego. That was nice. Got her contact info and we're gonna do a raincheck. Or maybe not, I don't know, maybe she was letting me down gently. I'm not used to being let down gently, most of the time it was just a solid "No."

But yeah, it was nice to get out of the house for a bit and not have the whole situation just looming overhead the whole time. I was able to get my flirt on, and apparently I haven't lost all of the natural charisma I had when I was younger.

Going out again tonight. I've got a few buddies that are clamoring to be my wingmen, lol. Not sure how wingmen are supposed to work (I never had them, nor was I ever one), but I appreciate their enthusiasm.

CatsNTats posted 9/20/2019 22:19 PM

Shehawk, my last reply was to Emotionalhell (EH).

But I hope we all find have the time we need to heal without winding up back with someone that put us here in the first place.

I know I need time to process what the last 6 years did to me and took from me.

CatsNTats posted 9/20/2019 22:21 PM

Good for you Incarnate. Give her a few days and then shoot her a text. If she responds - then she 1) gave you a good number and 2) wanted to hear from you!

You'll have to keep up posted!

JanaGreen posted 9/20/2019 22:35 PM

Ha ha, so sex with a new person as a palate cleanser isn't just me.

I totally get this! I couldn't stand the thought of my ex being the last person that I've slept with. And similar to Incarnate, at the time that I first slept with the person who is now my boyfriend it had been two years since the previous time that I had sex, but I couldn't even tell you how long it been since I had had decent sex. The sex that my ex and I had the last time was so bad it was almost traumatizing.

Incarnate, good luck with the lady you met!

CatsNTats (love the name), I'm sorry that your ex is still trying to keep his claws in you. Mine definitely did. I just tried to give him as little information as possible about anything that I was doing. Which had the added bonus of driving him crazy. I mean, I could literally be spending the entire weekend sitting on the couch watching Netflix but I was completely evasive when he tried to tease out what I was doing. And I know it made him insane.

EH, I totally get what you mean when you say you need to know someone to have sex with them. I really wanted to have casual sex. I really did. But it's not that I have to be in love with someone, have feelings for them, or be in a relationship with them. But it just takes time for me to reach a comfort level with someone. And I thought maybe that would be different after being in such a long marriage and not looking for anything serious and being more sexually experienced, through virtue of my marriage, than I was when I was young and single, but I found that I'm almost standoffish at first with men and it's because I have to have that comfort level. I totally get it.

I really need to come back to this forum more often. I'm away for a bit and then there's this four-page page post full of Awesome that I've missed out on.