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Sexpectations... 40s and Dating Again?

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DenaM posted 8/25/2019 10:47 AM

I'm recently divorced and curious about what most men expect from dating nowadays. I met my exWS almost 20 years ago and we were married 16 years. I'm 44, so at this age I realize dating probably looks a bit different than it did in younger years. To the point, do most men expect sex after a couple dates, or similar?

In my 20's I only waited until I felt genuine interest in a relationship was established, so, maybe a month at most? But now, because of my religious beliefs, I believe in waiting until marriage. I realize that guy will be hard to find, once I'm ready to get back out there. He might be so rare, I'm guessing, that I figure there's no point in looking or dating - that God will bring this man to me if I'm meant to be in another relationship. But I'm just guessing. So what's typical out there for dating in your 40's?

BTW I would have no problem communicating my expectations before dating someone, setting and maintaining my boundaries. But I am curious about the dating scene and want to know if my assumptions are on target. Thanks!

DenaM posted 8/25/2019 11:03 AM

P.S. Please don't get hung up on the religious aspect and skip over. I'm not legalistic. I just want to know what it's like out there in the dating world!

WhoTheBleep posted 8/25/2019 15:44 PM

I met STBX when I was 24. I was 44, and was only on OLD for a month before meeting my SO afew months ago. He was my first and last OLD first date. But I did read plenty of profiles while I was on there. I even made a fake account as a man so I could check out the women in my area, And see what they put in their profiles, because I felt mine was somewhat unusual.

I did see many people state that they are Christian with Christian values. I assume for some of those people that means no sex until marriage, and anyone who was interested in them should be prepared for that. My STBX claims to be Christian, but he'll screw anything with a vagina. So it is something that should be discussed early on to clarify expectations.

I'm sure there are men out there who will be okay with waiting, as they too plan to wait due to religious restrictions. But I'll be honest, it's going to narrow your dating pool greatly.

My SO and I were physical by date five. With lots of talking and conversation in between. It was something we were both completely on the same page about, even though we never actually talked about it. It was just the natural progression of things. I'm not saying that's the norm, or average, it's just how it happened for us. Physical chemistry is extremely important to me to establish and maintain intimacy. It seems SO feels similarly. It is also a major way I show love and affection (we haven't said those words, however). SO mentioned to me that prior to me, he went on a few dates with a woman. By date 5, she was pretty rigid and hadn't even kissed him. Almost seemed angry at men, saying they only wanted one thing. He knew that was a bridge too far, and ended things. Not a good match for each other.

There are people here who were physical on the first date, and it lasted. And others who waited quite a bit longer, and that was OK too. Like you said, just be up front about your expectations, And if they are up front about theirs, there should be no misunderstandings or uncomfortable situations.

Good luck, and have fun!!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 3:55 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

barcher144 posted 8/26/2019 07:23 AM

Like you said, just be up front about your expectations, And if they are up front about theirs, there should be no misunderstandings or uncomfortable situations.

Pretty much this. You need to figure out your boundaries and stick to them.

I would say the biggest thing about dating these days is that so much of it is on-line rather than in-person, which has a unique set of quirks. Many many people lie (I'm single! Not!) or stretch the truth (5 lbs there, 2 years there) with their online dating activities, so be careful with that.

I am very sex positive (up to and including the desire to not have sex) and very honest. I would have no problem dating a woman who didn't want to have sex as long as she didn't play games with it (i.e., it was a hard "no" and she was honest with me upfront) and I got plenty of physical affection in a non-sexual way (physical touch is one of my love languages).

better4me posted 8/26/2019 13:26 PM

To the point, do most men expect sex after a couple dates, or similar
?

I"m married now, but when I was dating it did seem like this was the norm expectation in my dating pool of over 50 year old guys. 90% were respectful of my limit setting though (and those who weren't revealed themselves pretty early on and we didn't have date #2 or they weeded themselves out by being overtly sexual while we were still communicating on line)

You do you! Be clear on your limits when discussion of sex evolves after a few dates. Setting your limit and being honest and clear about it shows respect of self and respect of others and will help you and them weed out the people who aren't matches.

You may want to consider using the Christian dating site. It may help you find others with similar values (all values and not just sexual ones)

LilBlackCat posted 8/27/2019 11:40 AM

From hearing of other men who date regularly..

The things is to wait no more than a few dates.. So 3 to 6 weeks, or so.. Tops.

The huge thing these days is ghosting... with the pool being so large with OLD and social media..

The understanding is that most women are multi-dating.. thus will have a group of men who will wine and dine her..

Thus she will ghost you after a another new guy is added to the list and you aren't keeping up with the pace of her expectations.

So, getting to experience that intimacy with her is the goal and if she is really into you.. "maybe" she will stop dating or flirting with other men.

Trdd posted 8/27/2019 14:48 PM

Middle age man here. I would say that men are not uniform in this regard. You will find all sorts. I am not dating now but when I was, I never had an expectation of sex.

And I didn't want sex unless I had a serious connection with the woman. Not all men expect women to "put out" and not all men want sex with anyone who is interested. And men who expect those things may not be the best candidates for the long haul.

I actually would advocate that a woman wait as long as possible when dating a man to be sexual with them. It's better for both parties. Men who want a long term relationship will desire you more the longer they have to wait. Now, I am not sure how many men are willing to wait until marriage. I am sure there are plenty if you are dating in Churches etc. But a middle age person who has been in relationships that have not lasted may want to confirm they are sexually compatible before marrying.

Phoenix1 posted 8/27/2019 16:34 PM

Decide your boundaries and stick to them. Those boundaries (and you) will either be acceptable and honored, or they won't. Be up front about them (no one is a mind reader). If they aren't acceptable to a potential partner, well, there's your first filter for weeding out unacceptable matches. Just don't create a moving target as it will mess up your own mind and feelings.

When my SO and I went on our first date, almost six years ago, I had my boundaries firmly in place. That included not even kissing him on that first date. In fact, when the date ended (which lasted for about three hours because we clicked right away), he walked me to my car and asked if he could at least hug my goodbye. Yes, I agreed to that. I was about to just shake his hand! But I appreciated the fact that he ASKED first and didn't just assume.

Later he told me that whole no kiss/hug only was actually a wonderful experience for him and made me a definite "keeper" in his mind. Why? As he explained to me, he had been on a couple of dates with others prior to me and they practically threw themselves at him on their first date. He said one basically tried to maul him and he had to push her off. For him, that kind of sexual aggression on a first date was a total turn off and he immediately nexted them.

For perspective, we are both in the over 50 crowd.

To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. ~ Shakespeare

This ^^ is one of my own personal mantras I hold to very deeply.

Cheatee posted 8/28/2019 14:11 PM

Older male here. I'm very open minded, yet quite traditional in what I'm personally drawn to.

I gather from this site that a lot of guys are looking to have sex, meaningless or otherwise. Still there are many others of us out there who want a relationship, a connection before things get physical. In most cases, by the second date, women would often make the first move.

As others have said, I tried to be very up front when dating that I was certainly open to sex, but that I wanted to get to know someone first - at least a few dates and even then, just see where our comfort zones overlapped.

I also differentiated myself in OLD by writing a poem as a profile, self-described myself in ways that deliberately would turn some potential dates away (I am quite progressive politically). I got lots of attention and eventually re-met someone I had known years ago, but didn't know was on the dating scene.

That was over three years ago and we're in love.

JanaGreen posted 8/29/2019 09:31 AM

I'm 39 now . . . I started dating again when I was 37. I had multiple first dates where I felt no connection. I made out with one of those guys but it fizzled out before we went out again - I lost interest in him. I had one guy that I saw twice, but we'd been talking for months on end. Frankly I wanted to sleep with him and he gently rejected me. Long story, still friends. With my current man, we had gone out a few times. I think it was our fourth date when he picked me up in the morning, drove me three hours to an art museum, took me out to lunch, then drove me home and cooked me dinner. Yeah I definitely slept with him after that.

But I guess my point is (did I have one?) that from my LIMITED experience men are all over the map. BF and I had made out a couple of times before he stayed over but he sort of followed my lead early on. He sensed I was a little hesitant and didn't want to spook me. I think the right man for you will respect you and your boundaries. BF told me later that he was hoping that that date would end that way but he said he wouldn't have been upset or lost interest if it had not. Because he was invested in me, not sex.

I had no idea what I was in for when I started dating, and maybe I'm just lucky, but EVERY single man I went out with was respectful and kind. There are good ones out there. Good luck!!!

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 9:52 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Okokok posted 8/29/2019 10:58 AM

Yeah, the reality is that it's different for everyone, and the theme among what I would call the *good* daters in the 30s/40s range is really communication, honesty, and an awareness of and respect for each others' boundaries.

I know that if I feel a real connection with someone (i.e., we get along and have good banter/conversations, really seems like we like each other), I *personally* appreciate intimacy after a few dates. That's mostly because that part of a relationship is so important to me and I like to be able to find out whether we're compatible in that regard; if we're really not, that's something that would signal the end for me and I would want to know that before moving forward. I would of course totally wait longer with the right person, but eventually I need to see how we do in that department!

I've also had the experience of not really clicking with someone but knowing that we could have sex if I wanted to, and ending things beforehand anyway because it just doesn't feel genuine and almost feels like lying to get sex. That's not for me at all, and probably same goes for most former BS

So, to sum up: I wouldn't say there's an *expectation* of sex EVER, but at this stage of my life and within the context of my value system, I do prefer sex after a few dates, yes. Never in a million years would I wait until marriage -- too many variables!

Incarnate posted 8/29/2019 11:16 AM

Now, I'm not in my 40s... I'm only 34. However...

Aside from the sexual abuse I experienced from my father and stepmother, the only person I have ever been with is my STBEW. I was able to find and build a deep personal connection with her in that way; it made me feel like the act that was very damaged to me could indeed be wholesome and fulfilling. It's never just been about getting rocks off. I never pushed her past "no" or "I'm not in the mood" or whatever, but when we didn't have sex for extended periods, I did begin to feel isolated and distant. I would try to build emotional connection and personal connection, but that is next to impossible when being held at arm's length while she's texting to her APs.

Now that I am ostensibly single again, I'm going to admit that I am very interested in finding a sexual partner. It's been a while since I've had sex (only 4 times this year, and 8 times last year total), and the more I think about it, the more I feel like if I were to have a few NSA encounters, I would be able to experience that connection - even at a superficial level - with someone else, which would weaken my connection to my STBEW. Right now, she is the -only- person I have been positively physical with, and that really, really meant something to me.

Now, if I were to start dating again, I would be bluntly honest; I am not looking right now for a LTR/eventual marriage; I have WAY too much to unpack for that. However, if someone out there is looking for and willing to have a mutual good time enjoying each others's company in as intimate a way as they are comfortable with (whether it's just enjoying each others's conversation, being close and watching a movie, or actual physical intimacy), then I am definitely on board.

However, as for expectations? I really don't know. I think that the word 'expectation' is steeped in a lot of toxic masculine culture, insofar as a man -expecting- a woman to have sex with him and being upset/disappointed/angry when she doesn't. I wouldn't necessarily -expect- a woman to have sex with me; I would HOPE she would be open to the idea and attracted enough to be enthusiastic, but if not, well then, not. No strings.

puffstuff posted 8/29/2019 11:26 AM

i always let the woman make the first move sexually. that way i know i am not going to creep her out. if i feel connected, i might feel the need to nudge things along (coffee?) but yeah, just my inbuilt "LOOK: I'm not a rapist" thing that i seem to have always had has made me wait until they make the first move sexually. always seemed to work. i think most men do nudge things along as best as they can and then wait until it is very clear that the woman is willing/she makes the first move.

anyman who jumps in with the sexual stuff then i would avoid, knowing the men i know like that. unless you want a one night stand.

Men can get very wary around this thing. no one wants to be the creep/sex case.

obviously this was all before my wife dumped me for her AP after nine years of marriage. but i will probably stick to this rule when i reenter the dating market.

[This message edited by puffstuff at 11:28 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

WornDown posted 8/29/2019 13:18 PM

but i will probably stick to this rule when i reenter the dating market.

That's been my MO.

LadyofGrace posted 8/29/2019 16:10 PM

Since my divorce, I have been dating men between 44 and 58 years old.

I am Christian and only date men who say they are Christian. Naturally, the depth of their faith/practice has varied.

I don't wait until marriage but I am very slow to want to bring sex into a relationship. Only one man ever pressured me, beginning on the second date, and it became relentless, so I dumped him. The rest of the men waited and we made out and hugged and held hands, all good physical affection. They allowed the delaying of sex through weeks or months of dating, but I never said I would make them wait until marriage so I think they expected it to happen if our relationship continued to deepen. However when screening them in the initial phases (texting online) I always asked what they were looking for and I only dated men who were looking for an LTR. If they said "not sure" or "something casual" that ended the chat. I found that these men did really want a relationship, love, and commitment.

HOWEVER, I will say this about men dating in mid-life and sex... Many of them had sexual issues in their marriage (sex was used as a weapon, wife was asexual or very infrequent, etc) so they are skittish about committing to someone longterm without knowing how sex will be. I am in that camp too because my exWH had a lot of sexual kinks and abused me in the bedroom, even before his affair, so I need to know that my partner makes me feel loved and safe.

If waiting until marriage is very important to you, stick by your boundaries! But I believe there is a very narrow pool of men in mid-life willing to wait until marriage.

Good luck!

nekorb posted 8/30/2019 23:39 PM

I met my current SO on OLD. We had sex around the two month mark. It was a conscious decision, we were progressing toward that beforehand. That said, if I had wanted to wait, he would have waited. Sex is the icing, not the cake.

We have been dating for almost three years, and have a very healthy and active sex life. Healthy sex is such a joy, and something I never had with my ex.

The right person will wait for you.

deena04 posted 9/2/2019 23:35 PM

When you are ready, you are ready. Take it at your pace. Itís ok to discuss it and, it pressured, itís not the right time.

RockstarDad posted 9/7/2019 01:05 AM

If the person is right for you they will have the same expectations, or you will talk about it and figure it out.

Props to you on your convictions. My g/f's religious beliefs are very attractive. I wouldn't feel the same if she tried to mold herself to what others wanted.

I would second the "keeper" sentiment in a woman who waits (for at least a good while) before physical intamacy. In our 30's and after most men of quality don't expect a virgin, but they put together that if you get physical in one form or other early with them, you likely did with every other guy. Not a pleasant thought for most. Just my thoughts.

Its a big pond, you will find your keeper.

sillyoldsod posted 9/7/2019 06:30 AM

But now, because of my religious beliefs, I believe in waiting until marriage. I realize that guy will be hard to find, once I'm ready to get back out there. He might be so rare, I'm guessing, that I figure there's no point in looking or dating - that God will bring this man to me if I'm meant to be in another relationship.
I'm in my mid 50's and I believe I've found a keeper. A part of that belief comes down to the physical aspect of the relationship, including the sex, although we held off from that for a few months. Not wishing to be disrespectful Dena but I think you are very sensible in realising that finding a man who is prepared to wait until you're actually married before having sex significantly reduces the options available. Not so much a potential dating pool, more like a tiny puddle?

I do hope you're able to eventually find a compatible partner. I'm sure there are some available men out there who share the same beliefs as you and maybe your God will guide you towards each other.

Best wishes.

sillyoldsod posted 9/7/2019 06:52 AM

ETA...Wow Dena, I've just read your JFO post

All I can say is props to you for believing there is a God after what you've been put through!

(((DenaM)))

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