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Hellfire

More sexual things that took place the day we had sex.

He had to pull it out of me. I didn't give it all freely on my own. I kept it out of fear of the new horror it would do to him and his mind. I should have listened to every single one of you who have been saying from day one to tell him everything no matter how hard it is. I didn't, and now it's too late.

And here it is. It’s so crazy how often the advice is given to get everything out and why it’s so important, and it’s crazier that a good majority of waywards ignore this advice (myself included).

Somehow they (our BS) always seem to know. My husband could I was lying or withholding information by the shift of my eyes. He told me he could see the lie as it happened once he actually started looking for them.

We get so busy trying to protect ourselves that we can’t see the damage we are causing right in front of our face. We get too consumed with providing the last insignificant details to the giant picture, all the while destroying the last piece of hope we have to hold onto what we have willingly given up in the first place. Trickle Truth can be the final nail in the coffin. It’s an example of wayward behavior that even some of the most remorseful people hold onto with damning consequences.

So what now? It’s your time to fight. You need to make sure that the “final thing” isn’t just lip service. Be proactive in phone recovery, writing a new timeline with everything included, and possibly a polygraph.

Start with the burning questions that your husband still has and work from there. A polygraph won’t fix the lack of trust, but it can provided a starting point to rebuild it. It helped with us because I had lied so much that my husband needed to finally “catch” me in a truth.

Roll up your sleeves and get busy. You have to do a lot more than walk by his side in order to save this.

I told him that was all, knowing I was still hiding. He asked about a sexual thing, I admitted to it. Again I told him that was all, still knowing there was one last thing. He told me to walk out of the room, he was done because he knew I was still not being honest. I told him the final thing.

Shit.

I'm sorry, LD. I'm not going to pile on because you know everything I would say. I've been you, swearing "that's all," not because it really was all, but because I believed it was all I was ever going to be able to admit to. The last 11 months of my life have been devoted to helping my BH recover from the same reveal you just made: additional, hidden sexual acts during an already confessed encounter. I'm not angry or even surprised to hear you did the same thing, just really, really sad that I failed to get you to believe me.

I guess my only piece of advice, and everything in you is going to rebel at it, is that what you told him today wasn't the "last thing." It might have been the last fact, it might not. I have no way to know. But experience tells me that there are still many, many nuances to your interactions with the AP that you haven't confronted -- intentions, motivations, plans. You aren't done searching for the truth yet. Keep digging.

LD,

How long have you been in therapy? A couple of things that cause me to pause and question your sincerity. Yes you lost your mother and I’m sorry for your loss, it’s a hard road to walk. However, you did not lose your husband...you gave him away and the two are not the same. You had control over the pain you’re feeling in your marriage. I see you are saying all the right things with the right words but It feels like you are using this forum to get to your BS. Focus on the root of what caused you to make the choices you made and learn. I understand there were tough times and you were deeply hurt, but you are not the victim here. I’m not trying to be mean to you but I believe you still need a wake up call. Keep at it, everything eventually gets better.

Like I said however many pages ago....the truth always comes out. We have all been there and in self preservation mode. It's easy to think you are saving them from pain when in reality you are protecting yourself. If there is any more left to tell, do it now. I've first hand seen the devastation more lying will do. We tried to warn you. You said you aren't following a script but you are. You have a narrative in your head of what you'll admit to, what doesn't sound bad, what will save you some dignity. You've already lost all that and now you need to provide him the full truth. Im still not convinced about the no sex in the car or sex only once. It doesn't add up with everything else you've said. For his sake the full truth needs to come out. Did you book yourself a polygraph yet? And now unfortunately he will never think he knows everything or believe your words. Every trickle truths shatters whatever small progress there was.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 10:58 AM, September 15th (Sunday)]

LD - I'm sorry - for both you and your BH - that you continued to lie/minimize.

You need to make sure that the “final thing” isn’t just lip service. Be proactive in phone recovery, writing a new timeline with everything included, and possibly a polygraph.

Start with the burning questions that your husband still has and work from there. A polygraph won’t fix the lack of trust, but it can provided a starting point to rebuild it. It helped with us because I had lied so much that my husband needed to finally “catch” me in a truth.

Roll up your sleeves and get busy. You have to do a lot more than walk by his side in order to save this.

I guess my only piece of advice, and everything in you is going to rebel at it, is that what you told him today wasn't the "last thing." It might have been the last fact, it might not. I have no way to know. But experience tells me that there are still many, many nuances to your interactions with the AP that you haven't confronted intentions, motivations, plans. You aren't done searching for the truth yet. Keep digging.

I'm a BS - but these are very wise words IMO.

Can you work with your IC to get to those nuances? I believe it is still SUPER important - not only for your BH (whether or not you D), but for you as well. As humans, we cannot change what we cannot face. So, I truly believe that if a WS wants to become a safe partner for ANYONE, they must purge ALL of it. On paper. And face it/own it, etc. I suspect it may be fluid for quite some time - in that something you do will trigger new memories - facts and nuance. And when it does, it must be added to your timeline and told to your BH (assuming he still wants that info - some BS get to a point where they don't... some do not. We are all different).

Godspeed.

LD,

were the more sexual things you finally confessed the things you have never done with your husband?

[This message edited by Lifeitself at 12:54 PM, September 15th (Sunday)]

I kept it out of fear of the new horror it would do to him and his mind

Were you trying to protect him here or were you really trying to protect yourself?

The trickle truthing probably messes with his mind more tbh.

I know other users have mentioned this but if there's anything more you know, let him know now. Don't wait another month or two and then feign that you're doing it for him.

If you are able to recover the texts, will there be any more surprises there? If there are, it really is best to say them now and not before they are recovered.

Is it safe to say that that additional item that you finally told him about was something that you never allowed him to do, or that you constantly refuse to let him do?

Is it safe to say that that additional item that you finally told him about was something that you never allowed him to do, or that you constantly refuse to let him do?

No, not at all. It was something he already knew we did. This was an additional time.

I kept it out of fear of the new horror it would do to him and his mind

My WH told me this as well but truly it was to protect himself. He was afraid that one more thing would ruin any and all chances at reconciliation, but honestly holding back was way worse. At least he was honest about his motivation. I’ll give him that.

Sounds like you had a golden opportunity to come clean and didn’t take it. I know for me, because of the TT, I now struggle to believe anything my WH says. I imagine your BS is feeling the same way.

I hope for his sake you’ve finally told the whole truth.

No, not at all. It was something he already knew we did. This was an additional time.

You told him you only had sex with the AP once? You're being pretty vague which is your right, but it's harder to give advice if we don't know the severity of the action. Your BH wasn't convinced you only had sex once, was the additional time another session?

I'm being vague here about the sexual details. I have told my BS the details. The additional time was earlier in the night.

I have read this thread before I read your husband’s thread. Honestly before I couldn’t even figure out who your husband was.

So anyway, when I read through your thread, I felt awful, cause all I could read was a woman who was desperately inlove with her husband, but who did a terrible mistake and was in great fear of losing her dear husband. As I read through each word, I felt your pain, your regret, your hope to heal your husband and my heart sank to be honest. A lot of people might find that naive but I really felt that your feelings were genuine.

But then I started to read your husband’s thread and I was shocked. All of a sudden, a completely different picture was drawn and I started to question myself whether I was being too naive or not.

So I guess, it is always better to hear both sides of the story. And although I still believe that you really love your husband and that you do genuinely want to fix your marriage and heal him, I do question if you really told him everything.

And it is an awful situation, because if you didn’t tell him the whole truth already and if there is still more bad stuff, and we both know by now that by bad stuff, we mean more sex for months, then now you really found yourself in a deadlock situation because even if you truely want to come clean at this point, knowing that he had enough and one more bad news and he will be gone, this will prevent you from telling the whole truth!

I wish there was a button I could push and fix this whole thing for you guys because there is nothing worse than watching two people who truely love each other falling apart! And it’s so damn obvious that you really love your husband and your husband worships you!

Just don’t give up. Show him that you will never give up on him ever! Even if he says that he will definetely divorce you, still don’t give up. Even if you get divorced, still don’t give up! Even if he starts dating to get his male pride back, don’t date anyone and don’t give up! If you can do all this, I believe you will eventually get him back because this guy loves you so much! He is deeply hurt, but if you can bolster the strength to endure this hardship all the way, then I am almost certain he will take you back at some point. But ofcourse this is easier said than done. For instance, if you get divorced and you started to date because he is dating, then it’s done! So it will surely be a very difficult thing to accomplish, but I am saying that it can be done!

The string of expletives that I said after reading this update.

Well, f.

There is more. Everyone knows there is more. Just lay it all out there. He is filing anyways. He is hurt form the last unload of truth. It is time. Just drop it all. Be open. Be honest. Lying hasn't worked so you have to throw that into the fire.

The extra sexual contact blows up your whole stance earlier about you thinking it felt wrong. I guessed that was crap because you went back to him later. If it felt wrong, you would have ran away when he asked for your help.

TT strikes again.

So, now you have to throw yourself on the mercy of the court (His mercy).

Maybe you should leave again for a little bit (Couple of days) to give him space. It might be the best thing. Just a couple of days back at your parents. Give him room to process.

LD - Keep up hope I guess. Just try to be vulnerable because your BH can see through you now.

The extra sexual contact blows up your whole stance earlier about you thinking it felt wrong. I guessed that was crap because you went back to him later. If it felt wrong, you would have ran away when he asked for your help.

I may not agree with you here, because you're trying to find sense in a brain filled with nonsense.

I'm a BH - not a WS, so I really can't get my head in that game, but I can relate this:

After Dday WW told me she cried all the way home after she had sex with her AP the first time. She said it really wasn't that great, just different, and really not worth the loss she was risking. She then shook her head as if she was trying to figure something out... and said, "But I went back again... and again, didn't I?"

I am well aware that everything I have said is bullshit. I am well aware that I lied to my husband over and over. I am well aware that my lies could very well cost me my husband. Right now, he is willing to give me a chance. He is giving me a chance to show him how much he means to me. He is giving me a chance to show him why he should stay with me. I am here. He has asked me not to clam up when things get tough. He has asked me not to leave when the rollercoaster goes on a steep decline. He has asked me to stay and remind him why he loves me, which he does. My god this man loves me. The magnitude of his love that I have seen through all of this, any woman would be extremely lucky to have. Through all of my shit, he still loves me. I am not going to let that go. I am not going to take that for granted ever again. If he still chooses to divorce, I will walk as his partner through it, I will never forget his love for me, and I will try like hell to get it back.

I know I have a gigantic challenge ahead of me because of MY choices.

Challenge accepted

I encourage you to go back to what I shared on page 14 on this thread. Had you followed that advice back then and had you two worked in tandem to get resolve on how to process I think you would be in a totally different situation now.

You know that's a nice sentiment and all, but it's all platitudes. I've been in situations early in my life where I've fucked up and said hell yeah I'm going to turn it around, I'll be better than where I was before etc. I obviously didn't pull through it because sentiments aren't enough.

I don't see any concrete plans on making it better.

>I know I have a gigantic challenge ahead of me because of MY choices.

Good that you realize it, but you need to actually formulate a plan. Going in blindly won't do much. Take time and really think about tangible things you can do to show your remorse and fix the problems you created.

Ideally you come up with these yourself, but I'll lob some ideas towards you.

For the love of god recover your cell phone messages. You can't try one thing and say 'oh no I guess it didn't work, unlucky.' If your phone is not compatible with whatever software you used, troubleshoot it online, ask advice on phone recovery forums similar to how you ask advice on this forum, try a different software etc.

If he's still going through with the divorce, don't screw him on the divorce. Obviously get your fair share, but don't play any silly games with custody. If he doesn't go through with the divorce, do a postnub with maybe an infidelity clause.

I don't remember if you guys actually went through with the polygraph. If you didn't, well what are you waiting for? If you did, how did the new details slip through that?

I know previously you said you weren't going to date bc you'll be busy and you still love your husband or whatever. If you do date shortly after the divorce or during, don't ever expect reconciliation to be possible.

Tell him the any additional details now. Don't do the same song and dance in a month or two.

Have you told any family members about what you did? Does your husband want them to know, or just to keep it between yourselves. Ask him if he would want them to know? If yes, tell them

I'll make one final note. Since your husband is on this site too, he might or might not read your posts. That last one almost seems like pandering towards him. Like you want him to read it. I don't know if that's just me, but it doesn't sound genuine.

For the love of god recover your cell phone messages. You can't try one thing and say 'oh no I guess it didn't work, unlucky.' If your phone is not compatible with whatever software you used, troubleshoot it online, ask advice on phone recovery forums similar to how you ask advice on this forum, try a different software etc.

Better yet, give the phone to your husband and let him do it. Make sure that anything he finds there is not a surprise. You need to ensure you have told him everything, you can't have a "oops I forgot about that" yeah we don't really "forget" do we?

My god this man loves me. The magnitude of his love that I have seen through all of this, any woman would be extremely lucky to have. Through all of my shit, he still loves me. I am not going to let that go. I am not going to take that for granted ever again.

Yes most people are lucky to be loved like this just once in their life. I hope you don't do anything to destroy that, he is giving you a gift. And at this point it is all on you.

I truly hope that both of you can find some peace.