LD,
In the post I wrote asking you to reflect on the affair and what your feelings for your husband were during it, and afterwards, the purpose was positive, even though it probably read like a charge sheet. If there was something deeper underlying the affair, and the distance that existed between you and your husband, then there really would be no point to attempt reconciliation.
Instead, it seems like the two of you could never quite get your feelings synchronized, and one of you drew away from the other at times when I guess something like marriage counselling might have reduced the gap and improved communication.
It seems like both of you have self-worth issues, and unfortunately you have both done things to one another that have exacerbated them.
Your AP caught you at a time when you felt like more of a failure than you or your husband realized, and in the way that so many predatory males do, he turned a woman who felt like a failure into a success to him, and your need to make that transition, and remain a success to at least one man, became an all-consuming mission in your life that blinded you to the damage it was doing to you and your husband.
Maybe you had already written your husband off, believing you could never be the desirable success in his eyes that that you felt you were to your AP.
And so you grew ever more distant from your husband, and indifferent to him, perhaps even rejecting him for not having the vision to see you the way your AP appeared to.
Your negative feelings about yourself as a mother could certainly explain why you wanted to do so many maternal things to win the approval of your AP, like being involved with his kids, and sending him pictures of you being a good Mom with your daughter.
And I am sadly sure that he lavished praise on you for all of it, exploiting your insecurities like a pro.
From a distance, I am sure you can see now what he was doing, and why he did it, but at the time it was like a drug addiction, and all you thought about was your next hit, not whether or not it was smart to be so dependent on it, or where the dependency might take you.
LD, your self-worth issues are a major vulnerability that others will exploit in the same way as your AP did if you do not work on them in counseling. Where I would love for you to be in life is at a point where you see worth in yourself that will make you impervious to put-downs, as well as people trying to sweet talk you for their own purposes.
I am so sorry for the way things have gone. I think a lot of the current situation is your husband working through his pain, and venting it in ways that seem like attacks on you.
That intensity passes. No-one can sustain it. No storm lasts forever.
No-one can predict where your husband's feelings will be once the intensity has gone. And no-one can predict where they will be six months from now.
He is going to calm down, and things are not going to be constant battles between you. Neither of you want that, as it achieves nothing and just makes both of you unhappy.
Your husband is trying to make sense of a lot of difficult, conflicting emotions. Infidelity, his sense of self-worth and abandonment issues, things he knows he did wrong, things you did wrong, missed opportunities for both of you to have made them right.
All of that stuff takes time to unravel, process, and hopefully neutralize.
For the time being, I think that all you can do is take a stance of, "I will go along with whatever you think is right, but I am not giving up on you, and I want to do whatever I can to help you".
That will be tough at times, because there will be days where he may feel very negative towards you. However, it is the best course to follow, because as feelings become less intense, an open and positive attitude will be the best way to encourage co-operation and understanding as the two of you move forward.
And that has to be a good start, doesn't it?