Hi LD,
I think you need to be honest with yourself about whether or not remaining with your husband is the right thing to do, for both of you.
This is not an attack, nor is it a request for answers. Given the fact that your husband might read this thread at some point, you obviously have to be careful about what you say here. So please do not worry about responding.
I urge you to think about whether or not you really, truly want to be with your husband for the rest of your life. Not out of prurient curiosity, but because your affair indicates that he may not be everything that you want in life.
There is nothing to gain by revisiting the affair to examine whether it should have happened. Nobody, including you, would say it was a good thing to do. And yet...It happened. didn't it?
During the affair, your husband came to you and opened up, to say that he sensed something was wrong, and that he wanted to fix it.
At that point, you had no interest in engaging with him. You brushed him off, pushed him away, lied to him, and subsequently slept with your affair partner.
This is not said to make you feel bad, but to make you consider why - at that point - you were so detached from your husband, and so committed to your affair partner.
My thinking, which may be faulty, is that if your husband really is 100% the man you should spend the rest of your life with, why did you prioritize your affair partner over him? Again, I am not suggesting you answer that here; it is posed as a question that you should answer to yourself.
You see, this is not just about trying to prevent the destruction of a marriage and family in the aftermath of infidelity, but about whether it is right - and wise - for you to remain with your husband for the rest of your life.
Sure, you can go into damage limitation mode and try to keep the family and the marriage going, because - being horribly cynical - you do not want to go from having two men in your life to having no men in your life. And then there are the pressures of trying to preserve the family that your daughter is growing up in.
What I want to suggest to you is that although there can be all sorts of pressures and circumstantial reasons for trying to 'save' a marriage, there was a reason - or several reasons - why you loved your affair partner and gave him greater priority in your life than your husband.
Think about those.
Okay, it turned out that your affair partner was a serial cheat, and that you were no more than the latest in a series of trophies he bagged, but that is irrelevant to your life. Whatever he did, whatever he said, it struck a chord with you, to the point where you reached the point of having what looks like an exit affair with him.
You became comfortable in his home while his wife was not there. You were comfortable driving him and his children around. You took your daughter to his house, to be with his children, and were happy to be a guardian to his children. You had sex with him after hearing the pleas from your husband to address the problems that were occurring in your relationship.
As much as you might wish you could press 'rewind' and not do those things, the truth is that you did them. And you did them for a reason.
And now you find yourself struggling to try and save a marriage that for six months was clearly less desirable to you than your relationship with your affair partner.
If that man could become the focus of your life and your desires, above your husband, and above your daughter, I think you should really question whether you really, truly want to remain with your husband for the rest of your life.
Essentially, during your affair, you found a man that you wanted more than your husband for six months. Ask yourself why. This is not about punishing you, or being cruel, but because it is essential for you to not try to rebuild your relationship with your husband unless you are sure that he is a person you can spend the erst of your life with and be happy.
Because if you have issues with your husband that made the man you had an affair with look like a better match for you, those issues are not going to go away just because your husband beat the crap out of your AP and sent him on his way.
During the affair you told your AP you loved him, and you appeared to be trying to blend the children together. I ask you to think about what would would have happened if your husband had not busted the affair, and if your AP suggested that he would leave his wife for you and set up home with you.
What response would you have given to him?
From what I know of the affair, I would think you would have dumped your husband with an "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech, and moved in with your affair partner.
The reality is that he never had an interest in a real relationship with you, it was no more than getting kicks for free, but would you really have refused him if he had offered you the chance of a life with him?
There is no need to post an answer here; your husband may read it, so obviously you will write, "No, he was a turd, I loved my husband and want to be with him forever". What I am suggesting is that you consider these issues from your own perspective, because there is no point to reconcile with your husband if he is not right for you.
If you do recommit to your marriage, you need to consider that your husband is going to be utterly destroyed if he tries to trust you again and you cheat.
And if he is not the man for you, you are better off parting now and seeking a man more like your affair partner.