So. My husband has told me not to take his addiction personally.
I mean, on one level, I understand that he didn't say "Oh...I'm realllly going to stick it to Second Time. And this is how I'm going to do it."
The reality is he'd behave the same way with anyone else.
But. I am not anyone else. So I find no comfort in that.
My husband is "just" a porn and masturbation addict.
The level of addiction is meaningless. At round one, my husband used the "Well, I'm not as bad as Sammy over there...his behavior is landing him in jail for a long time."
Now, he realizes. He's an addict. And he's no better off than any other addict in the room, just because his MO is porn and compulsive masturbation.
I also think your IC is full of crap. Telling the same story over and over again is not the same as not allowing your spouse to make informed decisions about their lives. My husband took away my ability to make informed decisions of who I was marrying as well as informed decisions about our family size.
My husband is not God. He doesn't play one on tv. He had no right to do these things to me. My husband had no right to take away my ability to make fully informed decisions about my own life.
How is that remotely equitable to putting up with some extra snoring?
Sure. My husband does a lot around the house. He's present with the kids. He makes my life easier in a lot of ways.
This doesn't give him a pass for not allowing me to be able to make fully informed decisions about my life.
It doesn't excuse his choices.
Neither does his addiction.
My husband says he loves me. I totally don't feel it. And I tell him as much pretty much all the time.
I think until my husband really starts loving himself, he's not really capable of loving me.
As long as he's capable of lying to himself, he'll lie to me.
My boundary as always not been about the behaviors, but how they were handled.
My boundary was don't lie to me.
And he broke that boundary.
Amusingly enough, we got into another fight. He chose to do something without consulting me, and it had to do with something that I had mostly taken care of, and largely discussed with him a few weeks before.
My husband doesn't seem to understand the days of not telling me things are over. I asked him why he didn't stop and think to run his thoughts/feelings by me before he just went ahead to undo all the work I did. He doesn't know why. Of course, he apologized. But, no answer to "why."
Other things came out, too. That he's just not interested in doing things that show me I'm important. I work two jobs. Job #2 can be variable. However, he chooses not to put my general availability for job #2 in his calendar. Now, he's able to put a shit ton of college sports schedules in his calendar, the kids' school schedule in his calendar, and some of the kids' activities in his calendar.
I asked why my schedule wasn't important enough to make it in his calendar. He actually said to me "Can I add it with the click of one button." Of course not. All the other calendars he can.
He's been working on the amends step for 9 months, and still hasn't made amends to me. It's too hard for him right now, for whatever reason. I asked him to take care of one specific thing in the house. I've been waiting over a year for that. It got hard, he stopped pushing.
So, the message is, he'll only tend to my needs if it's easy/convenient for him. And he doesn't see that I'm looking for some effort from him to go beyond what's easy for him.
It's just another data point he's got a while to go.
We're in our 40s, and we have sex once every 6-8 weeks. That's about how often I feel safe. I don't care.
With every fight we have, I get closer to contemplating talking to lawyers, to see how bad alimony might be. This last time, I really did think perhaps we should look at a trial separation.
I keep telling him I'm afraid time is running out. And I'm going to be done. I don't understand why he doesn't believe me. I'm generally very right about myself.