I dont blame you about the polly (I thought about it, at first too)... It is my understanding that there are only few questions they ask... the thing with that, is that a lot of these SA "men" have spent a lifetime compartmentalizing, minimizing, gaslighting and manipulating...very cool, calm and collected in terms of emotions (no empathy)...to the point of being psychopathic in nature. I haven't any doubt that a lot of them (my husband included) could pass a polly. Not trying to scare anyone, just something to keep in mind. As time goes on, you begin to realize the lengths/hoops they had to jump through just to keep the amount of porn, a secret. Mine still swear his porn was only twice a week...ohhh sure... theres a lot of shame in the fact that they cant keep their hands off their dicks... do I laugh or do I cry?!
Girl, dont feel bad...on DD, I kicked his ass. There was soooo much spousal abuse leading up to DD... the sexual neglect...the mind games...I felt like I was the one being attacked and essentially I was, on every level... I hated him and wished him dead....now I just want out. Hes blowing himself up nicely, he doesnt need my help.
Something I want to tell all that are fresh from DD- do not accept reconciliation unless/until he is remorseful.... Sadly, I dont believe any of them ever truly are. It requires empathy and realistically, if they processed an ounce of that (on an emotional level) we wouldn't be here.
I also want to stress not going to an MC (made that mistake)...SAs are very good at manipulating councelors into rugsweeping and the majority of MCs are not formally trained in dealing with infedelity, let alone SA... most BS across the board learned that the hard way. There may be a rare story, but based on my own experience and what I've seen in message boards, it's a unicorn.
My SA and I went to two MCs...the manipulation and rugsweeping was surreal. It gave me such a bad taste in my mouth that I refused to go back to counceling (been in counceling for depression for years) until I had a moment of clarity and decided to file.
I do agree, that any and BSs need to work on themselves and heal....that doesnt always mean counceling and healing isnt linear. My thoughts are that upon the discovery of an SA, they should be addressed as abuse victims and councelors should inform them of such... for some of us, the programming to serve goes very deep...rooting in childhood and it needs to be addressed. If in deciding to stay in the marriage, the SA victim needs to have enough introspection to decide why it is they're staying.
These men are very much about power, money and control (where the prostitutes come in) and so a lot of us are financially crippled (myself included) and it's that much harder to see an escape....along with the subtle programming that keeps the victim feeling like less or stupid.
In terms of the SA getting "better", there is no such thing...better at hiding it, typically. If they are caught falling off the wagon, odds are that they were never on it to begin with. They might go to SA 12 step meeting/counceling, but I believe a lot of it is for show...my STBX is no exception.
These are all things to consider. Not trying to sway anyone and I dont blame anyone for staying, but I do hope everyone manages to find a way out, at some point.Everyone here deserves so much better and a lot of us have been isolated from having any personal support system or example of what healthy relationships look like.
[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 2:39 PM, January 13th (Monday)]