SA and I talked a bit this evening, I asked him “if you today asked at your group “ how many of you feel you are in a successful recovery - marriage wise” how many would feel positive? He sat for a bit, thinking, and he said about 80 percent.
I go to group with some wives of his SA group, some not, and I said to him, “I don’t know a single spouse that feels they are recovering successfully in their marriage”
He was shocked.
I was with him once, one of the guys from his group was talking about vow renewal, how happy he was. I’d had lunch with his wife that day, she told me “I don’t know how much more I can take, I think I need to leave”.
I don’t know why I bring this up- I’m on pain meds and can’t sleep.
This whole SA thing - it’s just so awful
My husband and I had two "fights" about this very thing yesterday.
It's the leftover part of the selfishness that they just can't seem to get over. At least, mine can't.
My husband "feels great." He's working his sobriety...getting more out of working the steps and going to meetings.
Therefore, shouldn't we all be happy. Things are going great!
I told my husband it doesn't work like that. Until my husband can think about the consequences of his choices and pick the one that does the least amount of damage to me, I don't consider him interested in healing the marriage.
I ask him how much longer he expects me to wait for him to get it?
I mean, FFS, I had to spell out to him that it was BAD to stop foreplay to text a mom that triggers me.
Seriously his response was "But I'm not attracted to her! I don't fantasize about her!"
I was like dude, all I saw was you STOPPING SEX with me to immediately respond to one of the hot moms that you know triggers me. That's what you fucking need to fix.
"But I wanted to respond to her right away so we could have sex at our leisure."
I asked "Did she give a time frame? Respond in the next 10 minutes or DD1 isn't allowed to come over?"
His response "Well no."
Seriously, the text could have sat for 10 freaking minutes. We have 4 kids, three of whom were awake..including a 2 year old. My husband now also lasts less than 3 minutes. His leisure sex argument was not valid.
He had a moment, where he could have chosen me (even sex with me) over jumping at the hot mom..
I tried to point out that, yes, checking up on me when I feel like ass is nice, but it doesn't repair the specific damange of choosing other women to get high with over staying in a marriage with me.
And that again, he had a moment, and threw it away because he couldn't think about how I might feel about it and make choices based on how I felt, to make me feel loved and secure.
He's still so fucking selfish.
I really thought after DDay1, that it would be the actual getting high behaviors that would drive me away.
It turns out that the smallest stuff...lying about a once or twice a years slip, and the selfishness...that's what's going to do our marriage in.