Ex has done the unimaginable. Genius update.
SO. My ex husband is "dating" my boyfriend's ex-wife. For those who might remember, my ex was named "GENIUS" here for a long time.
Background: In 2011, I discovered my ex's secret email account, more than 2,000 pages documenting an incredibly dangerous and deviant double life: BDSM, group sex, sex with all genders and ages, sex with strangers in empty apartments, and an affair partner who worked for the Department of Justice with national security clearance, etc. I was clueless.
Genius is a sociopath, a diagnosed NPD, and a diagnosed sex addict. When I started divorcing him, he made my life a living hell for three years. We ended up in a 3 day-divorce trial and I had us do a 6-month child custody evaluation that ultimately recommended no overnights for genius. The judge disagreed about that because we just couldn't prove anything had happened YET to our children in his care. But he gave me legal tiebreaker and primary physical custody. He gave Genius visitation one weekday night and every other weekend.
Separation 2011, divorce was end of 2014. During that time, Genius stole from me, threw me across a room, broke into my house and forwarded himself emails from my personal computer and email account, made up wild lies about me, locked me and my daughter out of the house in the winter with no coats, fought me and my attorneys on every front, accused me of using an illegal key logger to get to the 2000 pages, etc. etc.
I never called the police. I was a coward. But I started to heal, with a lot of help from family, my community of friends, this site, and therapists.
In 2017 a friend introduced me to a wonderful man and we have been dating quietly since. He's met my children, who are now young teens, but he still doesn't sleep over with kids there (nothing wrong with it, but we've chosen to be very conservative because of situation). And he has his own, older teens.
I just found out that Genius IS DATING MY BOYFRIEND'S EX. SECRETLY, FOR SEVERAL MONTHS.
Jerry Springer material, of course.
But worse. He is not interested in her. He has been dating her for months, but just matched on Tinder with a friend of mine a week ago. He was active on Match until a few days ago when her children came home from college. He has spent every day and night with her and them. She just inherited a a LOT of money and now has a new house with pool and hot tub - in the city. Genius, sex addict, was in the hot tub with my boyfriend's college daughter and her bikini-clad friends.
Genius is a sociopath. I don't know his end plan, I don't know if he is dating her only to hurt me, or to get his hands on her money - trust me, this is what he does.
I am out of words. I'm basically on the floor. Genius is destroying my life, my peace of mind, my sense of safety. What the hell do I do?
PS: my boyfriend and I have said nothing - except he told his ex that genius is a "bad guy" and please not to allow him to be alone with their kids. She came back with some garbage about him being jealous of her happiness, etc. etc. At that point, he didn't add more. I guess the next step would be to let her learn on her own. She actually said that I am "ridiculously adversarial towards my ex."
I was abused and lied to. It's painful to hear this. I thought I had moved past my ex and the abuse and cheating. Now my boyfriend's kids - and my own kids - will be dragged into this
Okay, I'm done. If anyone is still reading, thank you.
15 comments posted: Friday, November 29th, 2019
Ex and revolving door of overnight guests
My ex (nickname here was Genius, for those who might remember) is a SA, NPD (officially diagnosed), probable sociopath (custody evaluator's opinion), alcoholic. I had an epic three-year divorce that ended in 2014 with me getting legal custody and being the primary physical custodian. However, ex got every other weekend and Wednesday night dinners.
My kids are now 13 (girl) and 14 (boy). Their father has a new "girlfriend" every six months or so now. Whatever. But he has these children stay at his home with my kids there. Last week he emailed me to say our dog couldn't come over with the kids for the weekend. I was shocked because our dog goes back and forth with the kids, and I believe that she protects our children and sleeps in their beds. As it turned out, he had another new girlfriend sleep there with my kids in the house - and she brought HER dog for the weekend.
He chose the gf's dog over my children's dog.
He almost died last Oct/Nov. He ended up in the ICU for SIX weeks and we didn't know if he would live or die every day. TWO girlfriends showed up at the hospital to help him. They fought over him. It was nauseating and mortifying, and as soon as they showed up, I let them take care of him and battle it out.
As soon as he was better, he took our children to Vermont with one of these girlfriends - and they stayed in a house with her and her college-aged kids and other college kids including strange boys. My poor kids did not know they were going - they were told they were going to their grandfather's house in another part of Vermont. When they got into the car, ex told them they were going to be staying with his girlfriend and her family.
I know that it could be worse. No one has touched my children or exposed them to anything as far as I know. Ex hides this worst behavior pretty well. But I HATE that my kids are learning that it's okay to have a revolving door of girlfriends and you don't give a shit enough about your kids to do it when they're not there - when they're hardly ever there!
One more detail: I have been dating one person for two years now. We are planning on getting married in two more years when his youngest goes to college - I don't think a blended family will work for us. We have not told my children this. They like him, but I realized today that they don't see him much differently than the revolving door of gf's at their father's house. It shocked me. To me, there is no moral equivalency, but I guess for them, it's all the same. Oh, and the person I'm dating would never sleep over here with my children in the house. I am extremely careful not to force him on my kids, so they don't even see him too often. I don't know if this is right or wrong - my kids think he's some casual hookup probably and that all adults act like this!
I know lots of us deal with this. Can anything give me some advice about talking to my children? How can I expect them to respect their own bodies and relationships as teenagers if their father acts like this? They do NOT like talking about what goes on there with me - they don't know the cause of the divorce and they know their dad is a bit wacky, but they are determined to love him, especially my daughter. I have to tread REALLY carefully with them.
Thank you - sorry this is so long. I just feel so defeated sometimes. I wanted to be the best mother, as we all did. I really fucked up marrying my ex and having kids with him. My kids are doing well, but they have suffered, and they continue to suffer. I hate it and feel so helpless.
7 comments posted: Monday, September 16th, 2019