SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are high school sweethearts and been together 20 years married for 8 years and we have a 7 mth old. I found the indisputable proof of my husbands infidelity on Wednesday but he is supposedly traveling on business this week but in reality he flew to her to spend the July 4 week together based on the flight itinerary I found. He is scheduled to fly back this Saturday so I am in excruciating pain and heartache as I wait for him to be back so I can confront him. I am barely sleeping and eating because of the infidelity but at the same time my son is teething so he’s not get sleep either. I hold my little one in the dark at night so he can sleep and I can’t stop crying and thinking about how he can do this to us. When I saw the photos and videos I saw my husband and my heart sank. I live with the in-laws and they are good people and help out a lot with the baby. I can barely keep it together in front of them. I am in so much pain and never felt this kind of hurt in my life. Whenever I get a break from caring for my little one I run to a room and let all my tears out while muffling the sound of my cries. He texts me everyday asking if I am ok and I have to pretend that everything is fine. I am so broken.

I'm so sorry that you're here. Do you have an idea about how long has this gone on? Is this his only affair? Has there been other inappropriate stuff in your time together?

Right now, collecting information is your best bet. Don't show your cards just yet. Check the phone records and CC information. Maybe look into his social media to find out more. What kind of videos and pics were they sharing? Who is this other woman? Where does she live? Is she married/in a relationship? Does he travel often for work? Spending holidays away from the family is beyond the pale. If you have a close confidant who will keep your secret and help you find stuff out, ask for their support. Maybe your parents if you guys are close.

Please take care of yourself. You'll be fine but this process takes time. Aim is to get our of infidelity. Don't be desperate for a certain outcome. Try to think if this is something you can truly move past. And even then, it depends on the work he puts in-if he's interested, that is.

I am so sorry for your pain. My husband and I are high school sweethearts and he was away when I first discovered potential evidence that he was involved with someone. He was on a ligitament work trip though - not away with an OW.

If you do have indisputable evidence about his infidelity, in my opinion, I think you should call him and tell him you know what he is up to. I would break up his little OW "get a way fantasy weekend" and make him worry what you actually know. Don't let him have his fun away, while you sit at home with his baby and suffer in silence!

I would also tell him if he doesn't get his ass home today, then you will tell his parents what's going on. Give him a firm ultimatum.

Lastly - don't tell him what exact evidence you actually have and how you got it. Never reveal your source!

[This message edited by Dance4Me at 1:43 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]

I am so sorry .. that said .. you have a bit of time to move or open an account tomorrow and transfer some funds into an account for you and the baby .. the nasty person in me would say report his credit cards stolen .. since you saw that is not where he is supposed to be .. I might even go so far as to cancel his plane reservations home .. or hers .. agree calling him and telling him that you know he is with Ow will upset his trip ..

that is my. Nasty side .. but right now get all your ducks in a row .. protect yourself and your baby first and foremost with money.. he is spending your funds on the OW .. have your proof of the affair ready to show him .. read articles in the library that are helpful for you right now .. breathe right now and know you have tomorrow to get some planning done before your WS gets home .. we will all be here to help you thru the next stages ..

[This message edited by dancin-gal at 1:53 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]

I agree with Dance4me. You don’t deserve to sit at home with this knowledge and pain bottled up. Call him and tell him you know and he needs to come home immediately to face his family, or you will tell his parents. You are traumatized and likely experiencing early symptoms of PTSD. Google “infidelity PTSD,” there are tons of resources and articles about it. I know you don’t feel like eating, but try to have at least a few bites every day. Remember this feels like an emergency, but your house is t burning down, and you aren’t dying (although it might feel like it.). Breathe. Keep posting here. The people here are amazing and we’ve all been in your shoes, experiencing this trauma. I can’t imagine what I would have felt if my WH hadn’t been home for me to scream at on my D-day. I will say, while I felt like I was going to die... I am one month out, and here I am. And I’m ok. Still a lot of pain and questions, but I am eating and starting to sleep again. Please try as best you can to take care of yourself and yes... tell him you know. It will free you.

Do you have all the evidence you need to know for sure? Do you expect somehow to get more proof if he stays?

If you don’t need more why not confront now?

“I know what you are doing an whom you are with. If you dont get your ass home today you need not come home at all and the next communication you get from me will be divorce papers from my lawyer. You have broken my heart. I’m not sure that matter to you but if it does, you need to be here tonight. “

Why let them stay in paradise oblivious to the pain they have caused?

Does she have a husband or boyfriend? If so call them and share your proof right afterward.

And why should his parents not also know what he is doing? They can be very influential.

Recovery from this will take years. It’s a long hard road. The first step is confronting.

Of course if you have a reason to wait, like if you’ve hired a PI where they are to follow them and take pictures, then let us know and we can help you thru that as well.

I’m sorry you are here.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:43 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]

She can ring him up if she has adequate info about the affair. It's a subjective call. Damage is already done. In person confrontation is usually better. But her husband is definitely not the person to ask for support at this juncture.

Good call on the bank account. Transfer as much money as you can in a new account. Your husband should not have any access to it.

I am so sorry. This pseudo-husband left you for a week with a teething baby to have a fuck-fest at a fake business meeting with his mistress? I do understand the helpless sobbing, but do you yet understand the raging anger?

Please tell us more so we can help you better. Is there any history of infidelity? Does he travel often for work? Have you always lived with his parents? How did you find out? Did you have suspicions or did you stumble across this?

And why are you waiting to confront until he comes home?

[This message edited by Odonna at 3:20 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]

Thanks for the advice and support everyone. The photos and videos are graphic and there is no way to deny it. From what I gathered she lives in Florida and so far he has flown her down to nyc as well. I don’t know for sure how long it’s been going on but based in the statements I found it’s been two months. I don’t know how many times but I think this is the first time he had done this. We have various types of accounts connected that it will be hard to separate without him knowing plus we already also have separate personal account in addition to a mutual one that we use for bills. He did most of the finances. Since we have been together so long there isn’t one person I can confide in that would be neutral enough to not want to just tell me to end it. I know it’s not that simple especially with such a young son. I think I found everything I need and want to find. I hear you on confronting him now but I feel like I need him to look into my eyes and see the pain he has caused and would also help me figure out if he has any remorse or regret. If I give him time before the confrontation he’s really good at coming up with what to say. I don’t want to give him the luxury of time to try to explain and plan out the in person conversation. I don’t know this woman and she is definitely not a colleague of his.

Devastated - you know your H better than anyone (well at least you thought you did!). So do what you think will be in the best interest for your family. It sounds like you are expecting him to deny and gaslight you - so maybe waiting to see him in person is your best bet.

For me - I had kinda confronted on a 2.5 hour phone call while he was away at work. He was immediately crying and remorseful with the little information I knew at that time. When he got home from that work trip, October 2nd, 2009, we had our face to face dday.....and boy was that the worst day of my entire life! Unfortunately for me and many others here, I had many a nights hysterical crying from trickled truth - so be prepared for that as well!!!

I truly feel for ya and anyone in the early stages of discovery! It is truly the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But please know that there is always hope for reconsiliation - even in the worst set of circumstances....if that is what you are hoping for!

I just hate the fact that you are suffering in silence when your H and his OW are off in La La Land .....

Keep us posted!!!!

[This message edited by Dance4Me at 3:49 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]

Try to find out more about this woman. Is she married? Where does she work? How did they meet?

Also, worst case scenario. Your husband has no remorse. He comes back and is angry at you. Has no interest in reconcilin. Your in-laws side with him and make your life very difficult. So much so that living together is not possible. Do you have the means and support system to get out of that house and live on your own? Prepare the funds for that please.

Confront right now if you feel like doing so. But only after making necessary arrangements. ((Stevesn)) has given a good letter for that.

I don’t believe there was any history of infidelity in the past but I will find out if he tells me. He’s had jobs where travel was often then this one he recently got promoted to a new role and he said he needs to travel which I think at times is true as I know the people he travel with. I lived my inlaws for a long time already and I think I am closer to them than my own parents. They will have to find out as well since they are very in grained with our daily routine. I want him to tell them and my heart is going to break for his mom as she’s a wonderful person. I started feeling something off because being with someone that long you can just feel something is not right. I saw he had a reservation pop up on his phone he was charging in the living room for 7/3 to a restaurant which was weird because he’s suppose to be at his business travel internationally. I just decided let me look up the restaurant and the only one existed was in Miami Beach. His travel was abroad so I took the number of the restaurant and called to “confirm” a reservation under his name and asked how many people and they said confirmed for 2. That all happened on Monday/Tuesday. On Wednesday, I don’t usually log into our laptop he used to do expenses but luckily I had the password and so that’s where I found the hidden folders with photos and videos. I logged into our accounts again which I don’t do often since he takes care of the finances and saw the charges. I had my ugly cry already a few times but alone as I don’t want it to affect my son.

Devastated2018:

Very sorry you are here. I feel outraged for you. While you are at home with your teething baby, and living with HIS parents, he is living it up with his AP. This is very arrogant and selfish behavior. I hope you have made copies of the photos, videos, and charges, and put them in a secure place. Don’t reveal your sources. If he attempts to gaslight you, the evidence may be very handy as a bargaining tool. I’m sure he would never want his parents to witness his video performance!

Most importantly, take care of your baby and yourself. Your health is paramount. Eat healthy, rely on friends and get sleep as best you can. If it were me I would blow up his world now, but you do what you think is best. Read in the healing library. Read and implement the 180 after confrontation. You and your child deserve so much better. Good luck.

I understand why you want to look your betrayer in the eye to confront. Have you worked out what to say? It will be very important to know what your demands are and state them. If you just melt in a puddle it will actually encourage him to lie and minimize and deflect and rug-sweep. Read “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” by Linda MacDonald. That will show you what you need to demand from him. If you cannot find it immediately in a book store you can sign up at scribd to get a free pdf. But buy it if you can find it in time as the author made a mistake apparently making it public and now others are trying to profit from that.

[This message edited by Odonna at 4:26 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]

I’m sorry you are here. Please copy all of the documentation, photos and put in a safe place, preferably away from your home. Keep posting here for support.

Hugs to you and your baby.

I am so sorry you had to join our "club" but you're in a good place. You're going to receive tremendous support and advice.

Email any videos and pics you find to yourself. To an email he has no access to. A little insurance for yourself especially if there is an OBS you need to tell.

I would text one to him right now. Tell him he has better get his cheating ass off that skank and on a plane and home or else you will be scouting for attornies on Monday. You should sit home with a teething baby while he is off on a vacation with his AP? No. Just no. Blow his shit up now. I could not sit there taking care of a baby knowing my husband is away with another woman.

You need to be strong for your little one so take care of yourself. You tell his family and anyone else you choose for support. You will need child care help because you're going to need down time for yourself. There's a lot to process.

Other than sending one very damning picture or video, say nothing else. Keep your findings to yourself. Don't start spewing it all out at once. He's going to find out how bad he screwed up very soon.

It's the 4th of July. Perfect day to blow his A up.

Hugs and strength to you.

PS: when he gets home and tries to hug and kiss you, ask for his passport. Do not answer any questions or accept any excuses. Say “you just came through customs so I know you have it. Let me see it.”

This is actually a test of whether he is reconciliation material: if he hangs his head and confesses, you might have a chance. If he gaslights you about why he cannot pull out his passport for you, then you know the lie is more important than you are. A husband truly on a business trip would furrow his brow and say “Sure, Honey” and hand it over, totally perplexed at the request.

The photos and videos are too large to email so I decided to store the entire laptop away and he will never get it back. Thanks for the advice to reading the 180 library will do so tonight as I stare into the dark unable to sleep. The passport is an idea that I never thought of thank you for that.

Your laptop might have a tracking device on it. Mine does. You need to disable that immediately so he can’t find it where ever you have hidden it.

PPS: if he won’t give you his passport do not let him in the house. Tell him he needs to present his passport for entry into your domain. Warn your in-laws just moments before he arrives that you have to have an important conversation with husband on the front porch before he comes in. Do not give them time to forewarn him but ask them honestly for some marital privacy.