SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He just changed the password to our account because I no longer can get in. So I think he suspects that I know but haven’t said anything.

You need to be really careful now that nothing gets moved around on you. How confident are you that you know of all of the accounts he has. Does he work from home or have a home office? I'd look around for any statements from accounts you don't know about.

The alert he has on the account is if I use a new device to sign in but since its the laptop he uses for our finances no alert is sent. I think he signed on and noticed the last time it was logged on and so he decided to just change the password just in case.

He just texted me and I finished my copies so I caved and text him back if he was sure he didn’t want to or can’t come back today from FL to JFK. I figure he had the suspicion already and with everyone saying I should let it out now I did. He text with a “?” And I said is that really what you want to say? He said “what you mean” and I said please tell me the truth. He concocted another lie saying he flew there for a conference and didn’t tell me because I wouldn’t let him go. I said please don’t make me send the photos and videos. He said What and then finally caved in and called me but it lasted only 10 mins as I was breaking down to much. Will continue the conversation when he gets back and I just hung up.

Devastated,

I'm so sorry. I know how hard this is. Stay strong and be sure of what you know. Don't let him get you questioning the reality of what you've seen and don't take any blame for this. If it all gets to be too much tell him you need a break from it and walk away or tell him to leave for a bit. You do not have to be rushed by him to decide or do anything.

One important litmus test is whether or not he catches the very next available flight. If so, that means you are more important than the OW, the extra cost, or time to concoct lies. If not....

But do not put this to him; just watch. You want to get a sense of what is going on inside him in terms of saving your marriage, and so you have to watch his actions very carefully.

Another litmus test will be if he tells you all the truth readily. If you get lies, or trickle truth, that tells you a lot. Say: “you cannot protect me from the truth. Lies will only make this worse. I need to know everything. No lies and nothing omitted. I am entitled to know the truth of my life.”

I am so sorry he did this to you.

[This message edited by Odonna at 11:51 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

Do tell his parents now please. You need their support. And once you know what flight he is on you may want them to take the baby somewhere so that you have the house to yourself when he arrives.

Please do tell his parents immediately before he arrives. They need to know. Sorry this is happening. Sounds like he is going to try and minimize his behavior. Don’t allow it. Stay as calm as you can to get information. Strength to you moving forward.

Well, the cat's out of the bag. He knows you know. From here on out he'll only admit to what you can prove. That's trickle-truth. I agree that the likely predictor of whether or not you two can successfully reconcile will be if he drops everything and gets on the next plane home. If he continues to push back and make excuses why he needs to stay in la-la land, then the future prospects are not great.

I certainly don't fault you for "caving", as you say. But now you need to stay focused. Push ahead by telling his parents. Again, if you can consult an attorney please do so. Knowledge is power.

Do you have access to funds if he locks you out of the bank accounts?

Please get your documentation to a safe location before he can fly home and destroy. Turn off internet settings so he can’t remotely delete files

I am so sorry. Seeing this kind of proof is soul destroying.

I was going to say if you could keep to yourself long enough till he got home. He wouldn't haven't a chance to help OW warn her SO if she has one.

Sorry for all your pain.

Thank you for the support I really need it. as prepared I was I still broke and couldnt keep it straight to have the conversation. I want him to tell his mom and see the pain in her eyes as this didn’t only hurt me but the mother than he adores. I need and want him to feel and see that pain. I will try to keep focus but yes I will make sure I step away for a break if it just gets too painful.

It takes a lot of selfishness to be a cheater. He may, or may not care about your pain and his mother’s. Please don’t count on that to « take him out of it ». This is not a good strategy.

What you need is to act decisively and firmly. What I suggest:

1. Tell your in-laws the whole story.

2. See a lawyer to know your rights.

3. Move out of there (staying at the in-laws is not great right now).

4. Text your wH that while he’s enjoying his GF, you are moving out of infidelity. You’ll be seeing a lawyer and moving somewhere else.

5. Then go NC. Focus on your child and healing.

What he does next will help you decide whether you will consider R or D in the future, but either way, you are removing yourself from this situation in a decisive way.

Please know that none of this is your fault. Whatever marital problem you had or didn’t have had nothing to do with his behaviour. Please have friends and family help you through this and the gang here will listen as well!

I wish you strength!

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 11:35 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

I wouldn't count on him telling the truth to his mother or really to anyone else. The story is likely to be really slanted to how it is your fault or even just outright lies. I'd take charge of this story yourself. You've been in the family long enough.

I want him to tell his mom and see the pain in her eyes as this didn’t only hurt me but the mother than he adores. I need and want him to feel and see that pain.

What you're talking about is a normal psychology, not a cheater mentality. Cheaters are basically addicts, addicted to their own adrenaline and feel-good hormones. They don't respond normally until AFTER that addiction is cleared from their system. It's biochemical in that respect. And quite frankly, some don't ever return to the person you thought you knew. Sometimes, we're seeing the REAL person rather than the facade they've always presented. And other times, the WS clings stubbornly and permanently to their own rationalizations.

What you're offering him is a chance to "spin" his parents. Image management, so his parents won't be so mad at him. You've got a baby at home, but I can tell you as the mother of young adults, the snot bubbles and wails still work on us.

I don’t have the heart to tell his poor mother who is quiet old and a very hardworking person. I can’t bare looking at her telling her the son she raised is a cheater. I plan on being there as he tell them and will have the photos in hand in case he tries to alter the story and make it sound like he was just “hanging out”.

I understand that the OW is in Florida and you all live in NY correct? I just want some clarity because someone posted about a passport and you don’t use passports for traveling domestically except as ID.

Please tell us that you were able to upload the photos and videos before you told him you know. Also if the accounts belong to both of you then you should be able to change the password too.

Show his mother the video and photos. Let him jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Just remember it's not your job to cushion him from the consequences of his actions. Worrying about hurting his mother is not your fault. It's his. If he pushes back in telling her then he is not being remorseful and is not a candidate for R. He may cry and beg act in such a way to get back in your good graces. But that's usually just him putting back on his mask.

If he was truly remorseful he'd confess it all to everyone and suffer the consequences with no questions asked. If you haven't heard back from him since your phone conversation this is the time he's trying to come up with strategy to figure how to sell his story so that he doesn't look like a complete monster.

Don't settle for being his Plan B.

Marie, his cover story was international travel, so the passport would evidence that lie as there would be no new stamps. It would have been a good way to confront and see if he would lie or confess all without having to disclose yet about the photos/videos. Sort of a remorse-detector.

But our dear girl decided to confront before he got back (which I do not dispute for a second) so that option was mooted.

But a VAR for when he gets back would be a good idea now, to have a record of all he says. Emotions run so high during confrontation that we all miss things. Going back also can help us assess how much lying was going on.

I am going to tell him that he has to tell his parents and if not then I will just hand over the photos and videos for them to see for themselves at least it spares me from telling them.

Thanks for helping me clarify the international question.

Did he apologise in any way or was he just making excuses? You can't save his parents from the devastation. It's too much for you. It was caused by their son so don't blame yourself for it.

He did apologize but it felt empty because he barely had words. I guess he mistakenly thought my complete trust I had in him was more stupidity. As if I was not smart enough to find and figure things out.