SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

D2018

There is a reason that practically EVERYONE is telling you to tell his parents first, because he WILL twist it around on you.

Seriously, I can tell that you are probably a nice, soft spoken, docile wife - who usually defers to her husband, and goes along with his wants and his decisions.

He is doing what he is doing probably because of that.

Sorry to say, but he will probably be more upset about his parents finding out - than YOU finding out.

He will expect you to go along and do WHATEVER he decides to do. You know - the same old - same old!

Which means he will spin a story (which he has already done, saying the job sent him there unexpected, but he didn't bother to tell you - for whatever reason he gave.

He is doing it already - gas lighting and spinning the story.

I fear you will be back saying - you guys were right! I wish I had listened.

PLEASE tell his parents. You don't have to go into detail. But -please- be PROACTIVE

He already knows he can get around you. He knows he can play you.

REALLY - think about it, this is a man who travels for work and is gone anyway, and when he actually gets time off - takes ANOTHER woman on vacation?

That shows you his level of commitment and RESPECT for you. Doing that shows you just how much he considers you - which - sorry to say, is not much.

Stand up and change the dynamics.

TELL HIS PARENTS!

My opinion

Can Not Believe

In my life tonight, the AC has gone out. Totally miserable! But I bet you would trade problems with me right now.....

Anyway, I am up and here if you need an ear.

Hugs.....

Hoping things went okay for you during the confrontation.

Hoping you are feeling a bit stronger after you confronted him with everything you knew.

Good Morning, Dear Girl. Thinking of you....

It has been the worst night of my life. I felt like I was looking at someone that I didn’t know. He told me that there had been others in the past and it’s been going on for 6 years that he has urges to seek intimacy with others. I felt so stupid inside that how did I not see this sooner. As he spoke I was crushed beyond belief. He said he knows he has a problem and wants to seek counseling for his urges. He broke down and admitted that he’s flawed and needs help. He wants to be with me and my son and he doesn’t want to lose us. I think he is a sex addict since some of the encounters are paid services. He said he wants stop and I said what did you tell the OW when you left. He told he had to leave for a family emergency so he did not break it off yet. She is not married and doesn’t know he is. He said he will break it off and I asked if he lived her and he said yes. But not the same love he has for us. I told him to tell her he is married but refuse to because she is not a rational person because she might come to harm me and/or baby. His parents still don’t know and what I found out last night being that he has a sex addict problem I don’t know if his parents at this age can take the heartache. I am afraid their health can’t take the need. I barely survived the confrontation, I felt like collapsing, unable to breathe at times. He said he will give me all the accounts/ passwords and etc. he is begging me not to end this. I said I need time because I can’t see getting past this. I told him I know I will be going for full custody of my decision is to leave. I have not made any decisions yet but has thought through it and have a list of divorce lawyers in hand. The conversation lasted 3 hours and it was just excruciating and I felt like dying.

Get tested for STD.

Others will come along with experience with sex addict waywards.

He’s getting tested today

(((Devastated2018)))

Hugs to you. I am so very sorry. As painful as it is right now, it is better to know the truth than live a lie. Just know that you are not to blame for any of this. He is a broken man. Strength to you.

Well, the full confession is the best thing that could happen in this awful situation. When you said he had all sorts of locked files on his computer my immediate thought was that this is a way of life for him. But, at least he is not gas-lighting you.

Some WHs pull the SA card thinking they will be judged less harshly if it is an addiction. For most it is just an excuse for avoiding the truth of their many bad decisions... He needs IC for sure.

I would still make him tell his parents. He does not necessarily have to divulge multiple affairs and prostitutes, but you live with his folks and you love them and need them and telling them you are dealing with infidelity now will help everyone. Also better not to deceive them as they will know something is wrong.

Everyone here wants to help you. Post as much as you like.

[This message edited by Odonna at 6:59 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Devastated2018,

STD: For you as well.

The next step is to take care of yourself. Do you have close friends or family you can confide in? You can’t go through this alone.

Sex addict, porn addict, drug addict, all bunch of BS. Once the WS says that, they become a victim. I guarantee you if you asked your Husband last month if he is a sex addict he would say No. What changed? Hmmm.

Parents have to know. The OW has to know as well. Stop protecting him.

One obvious lie in what he told you: the OW is so unbalanced that she might come hurt you or the baby. Yet, he loves her. Those two things do not go together.

My guess is that he is just too embarrassed to ALSO confess all his lies to her. And since she will now be out of his life, why bother with her when his furious wife, mother of his infant son, is standing before him in shock?

So, I would insist on the entire truth about his relationship with her, and at the end he dials her on speakerphone and tells her he is long-married with an infant son and this is ‘goodbye’ and never contact him again. No sorrowful crying over losing her.

In fact I do feel sorry for her, as she also was deceived and not a knowing OW, but that is the way the ball has to bounce.

Btw, does he have fake social media accounts that he uses with her (or others)? It would be very strange if his “single” alter-ego did not have an on-line presence.

[This message edited by Odonna at 7:47 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]

He is in his late thirties, right? His addiction started just a few years ago, right? That doesn’t make sense. Every sex addiction I have read about started in teenage years. Maybe an expert can explain it.

Why are you still living with his parents? Is he spending all his money on his addiction?

No two people have the exact addiction. My husband started smoking as a teenager but a midlife heart attack scared him enough to stop. He says he never thinks about smoking anymore. I have friends who can’t stop no matter how much they try. I also have friends who quit years ago and still crave them.

If your husband had a SA he will fight it for years.

Good luck.

As painful as it is right now, it is better to know the truth than live a lie. Just know that you are not to blame for any of this.

Remind yourself of this when the pain is unbearable (which right now is constant) ... And as far as the unbalanced other woman - I call bullsh*t. Have him call her in front of you to end it completely - NO CONTACT ever again ... if he lied to her and she doesn't know he's married (again bullsh*t)- tell her now!! If you make this easy for him (not telling OW, not telling his parents etc - he won't do the work he needs to change and will be right back on the next flight. Also if she didn't know he was married, wouldn't she have called and texted all the time and you would've seen her texts? He's lying.

Trying to make the OW into some psycho that may harm you or the baby is a load of bullshit. He's lying to stop you from attempting to contact her. Yes there are cases where the AP is nuts but often a WS will use that lie to deter the BS from making contact. Think about it. He claims to love a woman who is dangerous and may harm his wife and baby if she's made aware of your existence. No. He just doesn't want to give her up and keep you quiet through fear.

Screw that! Find out who she is.

Tell his parents today. Tell them everything. He has been cheating with various women for 6 years, the fallout is not your fault nor your responsibility to control. How they will react is on HIM not you.

As for you, take some time for self care. We all know the feeling left after confronting. On your body, your mind, your heart and soul. It's devastating. If you have not confided in a close friend or family member please do so. There will be those who will rise to the top and be there for you. They will help you through this madness. Please reach out to someone.

We are here for you but you need support IRL. It's imperative at this very early stage.

Right now, you shouldn't believe anything he says and most certainly don't commit to anything. With his general paranoia about electronic trail and the cold, clinical nature of his cheating, the web of lies is dense. Sex addiction is a cheap excuse and debate still exists over whether it's a real psychological phenomenon or just a manifestation of certain other addictive disorders. Not something that can be self diagnosed so don't seek comfort in thinking that this is an illness that can be treated and then things can return to normal.

He is pretty much minimizing the whole thing and will lie and give half truths to save himself. Don't believe anything unless you can verify. This 6 year duration he gave? Possibly longer. That girl he was with? She might be married herself. Do you guys have a friend circle of similar aged married couples? His guy friends and coworkers might be well aware of his extracurricular activities. Were there other times during your long relationship that you felt his behavior was inappropriate with other women? Things you had a gut feeling about but didn't look into deeply enough? Write down questions and possibilities that you want answered. Healing can only start with truth.

You cannot do this alone. You shouldn't suffer by yourself. It will take a heavy toll. You asked about feeling normal. It will take atleast 6 months and that is with tangible real life support. I highly recommend telling your friends and family who you trust. Take care of yourself. Get into counseling.

At the doc office right now for his test and also for myself as I have lost my voice not from screaming at him but from the ugly screaming cry I had in the past few days. Yesterday was the one that did it and I woke up without a voice. Checking with the doc to make sure it’s not an infection since I have to care for my son. He’s breaking it off today on facetime and I will be there to hear the conversation. She lives in FL working as a manager in a makeup store and she comes to visit nyc for fun. He met her at a bar he was at during a after work event where when everyone left he stayed later looking to fulfill his urge to seek intimacy with someone that is not me. He wasn’t look for a one night stand but a relationship which I find odd why didn’t our relationship fulfill him. I don’t understand and I don’t think I ever will. He will be giving me all his accounts including his online profiles like insta, Snapchat, etc today

You should be present and listening to their conversation. No way should you let him do it without you being there. If possible, try to stay strong and ask some questions yourself. What made her think that he was single? Did she not look into his profile? Exactly how long was this going on? Did she meet any of his friends or coworkers?

Also, you shouldn't be seeking comfort from him. Try to distance yourself when you're not asking stuff. Don't let him think that he has this under control. I'm rooting for you here.

[This message edited by Rustylife at 10:11 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Good you got through it, you did well.

His response is rather pathetic really, "I couldn't help it", "I must be a sex addict" "Please don't leave me" etc etc. The majority of what he said are desperate meaningless words. It's time to watch what he does and not what he says.

He lied to the other woman (he claims).

-If true then he is repeating his behavior. He may not want to tell her because he wants to keep her on the back-burner in case you leave him, or he may want the smoke to blow over and then continue (upping the security).

-If the other woman knows what is going on then he is trying to protect her, which means she may not be single.

I think you should call her and find out exactly what is going on and what he has told her. It will give you an insight into his modus operandi.

You should definitely get checked for std's.

See what he does now and I mean actions and not words.

He already denied your first request which was to tell the other woman......NOT a good sign and not in keeping with his promises. The danger she poses to your baby sounds so stupid I feel embarrassed for him. I think your next steps are to secure the finances, talk to a counselor and consult with an attorney. He has so much work to do that I am not sure it will be possible for him to recover the situation.

Chin up and keep posting

Apologies, I posted before reading your last update.